AN: Slight tweaking of the end of the chapter thanks to Elzed. Apparently, the glass in car windows doesn't shatter. Thanks for looking out for me, girl!
"…my stomach hurts again tonight she says:
and crashes on her floor-
cuts what she can't untie
ties it to a door…
if mercy was a cattle call
she didn't hear-
she didn't want to play the role
of the fool again…
won't be fooled again …"
-7 Mary 3
"I got an email from Lindsay today," Kirsten told Sandy when he joined her in the kitchen Sunday morning.
"Really?"
"She apologized for not calling me to tell me the news. Poor girl, she's having a rough time. But she says that Chicago's nice and that she's forgiven her mother. But she doesn't want anything to do with our dad," Kirsten replied, sitting down and accepting the coffee cup he passed her way.
She had been hurt to find out that Lindsay had left without telling her, but after reading the girl's heartfelt email, she couldn't blame her. The girl was a mess, upset about her father and her mother's lies, upset about the way she left Ryan simply because she couldn't deal with all the tension and stress. Upset because the only choices she had were to move in with her recently revealed father or move across the country with her mother.
Kirsten was relieved that Lindsay still wanted her to be her sister. They were friends and Kirsten had made sure to reply back immediately to reassure her that she still wanted to be a part of her life.
"You think she'll be okay?"
"How's Ryan?" she countered. "He was really quiet at dinner last night."
Sandy turned to gaze out of the window at the poolhouse. "I noticed. But he went out last night with Seth so he can't be that upset. He's not brooding around the poolhouse like he did with the whole Oliver fiasco."
"Sandy, you grounded him then. He wasn't allowed to go anywhere. Just because he's still going out doesn't mean that he's okay. I mean, when has Ryan ever been unattached since we've known him? He started a relationship with Marissa almost immediately after coming here and then there was Teresa…he started dating Lindsay right as school started…"
"Kirsten. You've given this a lot of thought," Sandy said, stopping her rant.
"I have. You haven't been around lately and the boys never talk to me…I'm worried that he's more upset than any of us know. Lindsay even said so in her email. She says that he's…that he's cold to her, Sandy. And Ryan's never cold…not to people that he cares about," Kirsten replied.
"I'll talk to him," Sandy promised.
"Maybe I should talk to him," she considered aloud.
"That might actually be better. He got pretty defensive when I mentioned Lindsay yesterday. And everything he said was true, I didn't spend much time with her. It was a mistake. She's your sister and she was his girlfriend and I didn't take the time to get to know her. Since you spent time with them, he might talk more to you than he did to me."
"You think it's too early to wake him?" she asked, glancing at her watch.
"What, noon? No, Kirsten. I'll start making lunch. Or breakfast. Something. I'm hungry," Sandy smiled.
"Okay. Wish me luck."
She'd accepted Ryan into her family but she had to admit that she still left most of Ryan's parenting up to Sandy. Not because she didn't love him, but because Sandy understood him more. Sandy had connected to Ryan the first time he met him, but Kirsten had to develop a bond. Ryan's father hadn't been around for years so he'd easily accepted Sandy as his father figure, but Ryan's mother had only been gone a few days when Kirsten was introduced. She could take care of the boy, but she couldn't take Dawn's place.
She knocked and waited for a response but there was nothing. She tentatively pushed open the door and peered into the room.
The poolhouse was usually spotless when she came in. Everything was usually in it's place.
Not today, Ryan's laundry was piled by the bathroom door, his sheets were stripped off the bed and there was a stack of books and papers spread across the floor in front of the closet.
"Ryan?" she called, thinking the worst. He was gone, he had run away, he had left them again…
"Yeah?" He stuck his head out of the bathroom.
She flushed as all the color that had drained out of her skin returned with relief.
"I didn't hear you come in. Sorry about the mess…" Ryan said, walking out in a pair of jeans and wife-beater. His face was still bruised from the fight on Friday.
"What's happening in here?" she motioned to the mess.
"I was looking for something," he said. "I'll clean it up…"
"Can we talk first?" Kirsten said. She tried to ignore the flash of worry on his face before he nodded and sat down on his bare mattress.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, sweetie. I'm worried about you. Why didn't you tell us about Lindsay?"
"Oh. I should've told you as soon as I found out but she said that she was going to tell you herself. I thought that it should come from her instead of me," Ryan replied.
"No, honey, that's not why I'm here. I'm not upset because you didn't tell me, I'm upset because I'm worried about you."
"I'm fine. See?" he smiled slightly. "Nothing to worry about. I'm not brooding, I'm not going to do anything stupid or anything. I'm fine."
"You shouldn't be fine. Lindsay left you. She moved to Chicago. You aren't fine," Kirsten said, startled by Ryan's flippant attitude.
"I have to be. Some things are out of our control. She had to do what was best for her. I have to move on, too," Ryan stated flatly.
"What's wrong with you? You…you know you're acting strange, right?" Kirsten asked after a pause.
"Strange?" Ryan replied, raising an eyebrow. "I don't think I'm acting strange. Trashed room aside...how, exactly, am I supposed to be acting? I mean, if you have some kind of guidebook, I'd love to see it."
Kirsten was startled.
"I'm sorry. I am a little…off. I'm sorry," he said immediately, his face falling in apology.
"What's going on with you?" she asked after a pause, studying him.
"I promise I'm fine."
"You promise," Kirsten repeated.
"I promise."
"I'd like to think we got a little closer with all the time you spent with Lindsay. If you want to talk…"
"I know you're around," he nodded immediately.
"Can I ask what you were looking for?" she questioned, standing up. It was clear that he wasn't ready to talk to her.
"Library book," he replied.
She knew as soon as the words rolled off his tongue that he was lying. And that no matter what Sandy and Seth thought, he was good at it. His eyes didn't give away anything. It was like someone else was wearing Ryan's skin.
"Okay. Do you want me to check inside?"
"No thanks. I think I know where it is. It's not overdue yet, I was just looking for it," he said.
"Are you having lunch with us?"
"I have other plans, but I should be home for dinner," Ryan replied.
"Okay." Kirsten left the poolhouse feeling more worried that when she'd walked in. But there was nothing she could do, no visible signs of drama, just a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Alex opened the door to her apartment and was surprised to hear Marissa's laughter.
"You know, you're a lot more fun now that we're not dating," Marissa was saying when she reached the living room.
"Whatever," Ryan snorted.
"What are you guys doing here?"
"Chatting," Marissa grinned, accepting her girlfriend's kiss.
"God, don't do that in front of me…I'll be in the kitchen," Ryan scolded, standing up and going into the other room.
"Having fun with the ex?" Alex asked, tasting the familiar alcohol on her girlfriend's breath.
"Well, I figured if you can hang out with him then so can I. Jealous?" Marissa teased.
"Depends. What have you guys been doing?"
"Drinking a little. Smoking a little of your primo pot. Watching TV," Marissa shrugged.
"We get three channels. And two of them are in Spanish."
"Ryan knows Spanish," Marissa replied, offering Alex her screwdriver.
"So, we're partying this early?" Alex asked, gulping down the strong drink.
Marissa shrugged. "Not really partying, just relaxing. Stupid school tomorrow. You're so lucky that you don't have to go. My mom won't let me quit. Says she's paid too much to Harbor to let me quit. Like she has more than a G.E.D. in her background," she hissed.
"I hate to say it, but I agree with her. You should graduate if you can, Marissa. Enjoy being a kid as long as you can 'cause life on your own is tough. I mean, rent's due next week. And I haven't seen you working," Alex reminded.
"Here," Marissa said immediately, pulling a crumpled envelope out of her pocket. "My dad sent me money. It should cover this month's rent and I'll make sure and have the electrical and water money by next week."
"Thanks," Alex said, visibly surprised.
Ryan returned to the living room. "Okay. Are you guys done being hot?"
Marissa glanced at Alex mischievously and they immediately started making out.
"That's it. I'll see you guys later, I have to be home for dinner," Ryan sighed.
"Oh, come on, we're just teasing," Alex laughed.
"I know. Anything to get you guys to make out," Ryan smirked. "But I really do have to get home. I'll see you guys later," he said, leaving hurriedly.
"He's really acting strange. But I can't help but have fun with him. He doesn't even seem sad about Lindsay," Marissa said.
"Lindsay? Did they break up?"
"And then some. She moved to Chicago. That's when he started…that's when he turned into that guy," Marissa motioned toward the door that Ryan had just walked through.
"Oh. Oh, it all makes sense. Why you and Seth are so worried about him…he hasn't mentioned it."
"I know. I tried to bring her up today and he shut me down. But I'm sure he'll be okay," Marissa said.
"You don't sound convinced."
"Well, as much as I'm all about avoidance and the drinking of the alcohol…I still can't get used to him doing the same thing. I wonder…you think I should talk to Seth?"
"I think Seth knows all about it," Alex replied.
"Well, if Seth's not worried, then I'm not worried. Now, weren't we doing something?"
"Oh yeah," Alex grinned, leaning over and kissing her.
Ryan disappeared right after dinner with the folks. Seth couldn't shake the night before out of his mind though. Or his conversation with Summer this morning.
"Ryan's fucking randoms now? What's up with that? Cohen, you should do something about it," Summer had told him when he confessed about Ryan's rendezvous the night before.
"What am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know. Talk to him?"
"He's not talking to me."
"Then do something more drastic."
"You think I should tell my parents."
"I think you should do what you think he'd do for you. Are you really worried about him?"
"Yeah, I am," Seth confessed.
"Then tell your dad," Summer replied.
Seth had always trusted his dad. Especially after his dad had let him stay in Portland after coming up to get him. His dad…fuck, his dad was cool. Even with his recent absentia from the house, Seth still trusted him. And his dad would know what to do.
He was satisfied with his decision and got up from his desk and made his way down the stairs to the den.
"Hey, Seth. You're still here? We figured you'd gone with Ryan," Kirsten said, standing in the kitchen with a large chocolate chip cookie in her hand. She glanced between him and the cookie, guilty.
"Don't worry, I won't tell Julie you're cheating on your diet, Mom," Seth smirked. "Is Dad around?"
"Yeah, out by the pool," she replied. He patted her on the back as he walked by and when he turned to close the door to the house as he stepped out, he saw her taking a huge bite of the cookie.
He found his father sitting by the pool drinking a beer and flipping through a surfing magazine. "Hey, Seth. What's going on?"
"Can I talk to you? Like…man to man?" Seth asked.
"Sure," his father replied immediately, putting the magazine down and sitting up as Seth pulled his chair up beside him.
"Well…it's about Ryan."
"Oh. What about him?"
It had seemed like a good idea a few minutes before but Seth was having second thoughts now. No matter how cool of a dad his dad was, he was still a dad. Seth was betraying Ryan by talking to him…
"Seth, is he okay?" his dad asked quietly. "You can tell me…"
"I…well, he's been acting a little strange. Out of character."
Sandy nodded. "I've noticed. Your mother and I are worried about him, too. Is there something we should know?"
"I don't want to get him into trouble…" Seth admitted aloud. "But I think if I don't say anything that he's going to get into trouble…like outside of you and mom."
"Okay, Seth. Tell me," Sandy urged.
Seth sighed. "Can this be off the record?"
"Lawyer-wise or parent-wise?" he asked after a beat.
"Both?" Seth questioned.
"I'll do my best."
"He's drinking now. Not, like, all the time, but the point is that he never used to drink, not like this. He's never drank more than a beer or two since I've known him. But a couple of nights ago, I got worried about him and I found him in a bar. Wasted. And he doesn't get wasted like normal people, dad, if I hadn't watched him pay his tab I wouldn't have even known how much he'd drank. He was steady on his feet. So, I tried to talk to him and he promised that he wouldn't do it again, that it was just a momentary lapse, but…"
Sandy was listening as his words ran out. "He was at a bar?"
"Yeah. And…he's been hanging out with Alex. And Alex is a great girl, she's great, but…she parties. She took him to a party on Friday and…"
"I saw him when he got back, he wasn't drunk, Seth…"
"But he didn't tell me he was going. He cut school one day and spent all day with her." Seth hesitated. "Off the record…"
"Off the record, what?" Sandy pressed.
"Ryan doesn't smoke weed. He's always turned it down. But he smoked with Alex."
Sandy sighed.
"Dad, you used to smoke, you know how it's not that big of a deal, it's just the fact that he used to be totally against it and now…"
"I get it, Seth. It's out of character. I get it," his dad said quietly.
"And…just to clarify something that's totally none of your business but since none of this is your business, I feel like I should tell you…the only girl Ryan slept with in Newport was Teresa. He's been painfully celibate for months now and last night…to quote Summer, he's fucking randoms. He didn't even know the girl's name, Dad," Seth whispered.
His dad sighed heavily.
"What do I do? He won't talk to me…he acts like he's talking to me, but he's just placating me, he's not…he's not himself."
"I'm getting that. Thank you for telling me, Seth."
"Are you going to ground him? Rat me out for telling you?"
"No, Seth. But I am going looking for the kid. I think Lindsay leaving must have bothered him more than any of us knew." His dad looked him in the eyes deeply. "Thank you for telling me."
"I know I broke the brotherly code…"
"He won't know it came from you. I promise. I'll…it's all off the record, Seth. I want you to come to me with things like this…I want my boys to be okay. You included. I'm sorry that I've been so out of touch lately, but I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere. And neither is Ryan. We won't let him." Sandy stood up.
"Thanks, Dad," Seth said. But he knew that he'd broken the code. He'd be lucky if Ryan ever spoke to him again. He knew that Ryan would know that the information had come from him if his dad showed up. But if it helped Ryan stop sinking deeper into whatever he was sinking into, then it would have to be worth it.
Sandy searched the dingy bar with his eyes for his kid. Ryan was his kid now, had been since he came back from Chino the second time. He didn't know if Ryan had realized it or not, but he was about to feel the wrath of a parent.
Sandy hadn't had to discipline Ryan much, he'd realized on the drive around town looking for the bike. Ryan was self-reliant, he took care of himself and despite his occasional lapses in judgment like Oliver Trask and a trip to see his brother at Thanksgiving, he usually made good decisions. Mature decisions.
And Sandy knew that a little drinking and smoking pot and casual sex was a part of growing up, more now than ever.
But Seth was right. It was out of character for Ryan. Way out of character. Off the charts.
It wasn't like Ryan hadn't changed since he'd come back from Chino, he had. Drastically. He'd been happy and optimistic and dedicated to making his life in Newport a good one.
But this was different.
He spotted Ryan's blond mop across the bar. A woman's arm was draped lazily around his waist and she was sucking on his earlobe. Ryan's hands were placed comfortably on her ass.
Sandy walked up to the bar and waved to the bartender.
"What can I get you?"
"I just have a question. That guy, there, did you card him?" Sandy asked.
"Nah, he's fine, been here the past few days. Kickass at pool…why?" the younger man asked.
"Because he's seventeen. He's my son. If I find out you're serving him again…"
"Seventeen?" The man flushed. "I…I had no idea…"
"He looks older than he is," Sandy said.
"I'm sorry, sir…"
Sandy waved his hand at the guy and continued across the room.
"Ryan."
Ryan's face flashed with surprise and he immediately let go of the woman.
"It's time to go. Come on," Sandy said.
"What are you, his dad or something?" the woman snapped.
"Actually, yes. He's seventeen," Sandy stated.
"Seventeen?" the woman gasped, visibly startled.
"Okay, Sandy," Ryan said quietly, not meeting his gaze.
The woman retreated gracelessly as Sandy wrapped his hand around Ryan's wrist and led him into the parking lot.
"Get your bike," Sandy ordered, nodding toward the bench.
"Is that how you found me? My bike? Or did Seth tell you?" Ryan asked, his posture defiant now that they were in the privacy of the parking lot.
"I knew something was off about you, Ryan, so I decided to check on you. You weren't home, you weren't with Seth, you weren't with your new friend Alex, so I took a chance…"
"Bullshit," Ryan whispered, not moving. He held Sandy's gaze with a cold stare. Sandy turned and unlocked the car before turning around to face him again.
"What exactly were you doing in there?" Sandy asked.
"Having a good time…but it seems that's not allowed," Ryan replied.
"Ryan. You're seventeen. You shouldn't be drinking and hanging out in bars, you know better."
"Maybe I don't want to know better," Ryan muttered.
"What are you doing, Ryan? Why are you acting like this?" Sandy asked quietly.
"What exactly am I acting like, Sandy? Like a normal fucking teenager? Like a juvenile delinquent?" Ryan snapped.
Sandy had never seen Ryan so fiercely defiant, so insubordinate. Especially toward him. Ryan's eyes were empty and dark. Out of character. He was so damned angry and Sandy was going to have to defuse the teenager before he was going to be able to find out the root of the problem.
"Ryan. Just calm down. We can talk when we get home…" Sandy said, keeping his voice level.
"Talk. It's always about talking with you guys…"
"You need to change your tone, kid, you're in enough trouble as it is," Sandy snapped despite himself. Even Seth wouldn't be allowed to talk back to him the way Ryan was.
"Trouble. Drinking at a bar equals trouble," Ryan snapped. "Shit, in Chino, my mom would probably be right beside me making me pay for her drinks. At least I'm not driving, at least I'm not hopped up on drugs and endangering people's lives…"
"Ryan, you have got to be kidding me…you think this is okay? That this is natural?"
"It was in Chino…nothing's fucking natural here," Ryan replied.
"Kid, I don't know what's going on with you right now…" Sandy started.
"You never know what's going on with me, you did your good deed bringing me home the first time, I came to you the second time, I showed up on your doorstep, so you don't have to pull this parental bullshit anymore, you've done your job. Just leave me alone, Sandy," Ryan said, turning to leave.
"Do not walk away from me," Sandy said, reaching out and grabbing Ryan by the shoulder.
It seemed like an automatic response, Ryan's fist drawing back as he pivoted around. Sandy reacted automatically, too, moving to the side so Ryan's fist went past him. It took a matter of seconds to transpire but he knew that everything was going to change.
The denting of the metal seemed to bring them both back to reality. Ryan's fist was embedded in the car and Sandy could tell that he'd hit it with all his strength because the force had broken the skin and blood was trickling down the car.
Ryan's face wasn't angry now, more like stricken. Scared. His face had paled to an ashen color and his eyes were dark with regret. He pulled his hand back as if the car was burning him.
"Ryan…"
"I'm sorry. Oh shit, I'm so sorry, Sandy…" Ryan whispered, holding his damaged hand at his side.
"Come on, we need to get that hand looked at," Sandy said, taking a step toward him.
"No. I'm sorry…"
Sandy watched as Ryan took off across the parking lot, running into the darkness.
