AN: Not sure where this came from since this was supposed to be the final chapter. Oh well. It's not. Hope you'll read anyway. It will be finished eventually. Promise.


"…If you can stand yourself and sleep tonight
Let them peel you like an orange
taste your shivering insides…"
7 Mary 3

Ryan jolted awake as Sandy shifted the BMW into park.

"We're home, kid."

Ryan didn't move. The other shoe had yet to drop.

"We'll talk in the morning, Ryan."

"So…you want me to just walk back in there and pretend like nothing happened?" Ryan asked, keeping his eyes lowered.

"You're going to be wearing a cast for eight weeks…and I can see that you're sorry and honestly, I'm more worried about you than angry…"

Ryan shook his head. "You should be angry…"

"Were you really trying to hit me, Ryan? Did you consciously pull back your fist and see my face as the target?"

Ryan didn't reply. He hadn't been thinking. He had been too angry.

"Or did you react instinctively because you were so pissed off that you'd do anything to escape?" Sandy didn't wait for a response, sighing heavily. "Kid, we've worked hard at this. You've worked hard and I am so proud of you…but…what happened to get us here?"

Ryan didn't know. He didn't know the answer and he didn't know what to say. He didn't know anything.

"You have to talk to me," he said.

He nodded but he couldn't process anything to say.

"Let's go inside. We'll have time tomorrow to talk, you need to rest."

Ryan followed Sandy inside, numb. His hand hurt but not as much as the familiar feeling in his gut. Failure. Due only to his own stupidity. It was almost like a cramp that would get worse the more he thought about how much he'd fucked up. He'd fucked up with Lindsay. He'd fucked up with Sandy. He'd fucked up everything. Again.

"Dude, you okay?" Seth asked quietly, standing beside Kirsten in the doorway.

Ryan nodded but Seth didn't buy it, watching him, unconvinced.

"It's late. Seth, you have school tomorrow," Sandy started.

Kirsten muttered, "He can miss one day, Sandy, relax…" She stepped forward and embraced him.

He was stiff. It was surreal. She was hugging him after all he'd done.

"Are you mad at me, too?" she whispered.

"No…I'm not mad…"

"You'll stay in the guest room tonight. No more running off," she said. He glanced at Sandy.

"Go ahead," Sandy nodded.

Seth followed him down the hall to the bedroom across from the master bedroom.

"I'm sorry, Seth," Ryan sighed once they were alone.

"You sure you're okay?"

"I…I'm okay. Busted my hand on the Beamer," Ryan replied. He couldn't talk to Seth right now. He couldn't.

"Well, that car's been asking for it…but…"

"Seth. Tomorrow?"

"Sure," Seth agreed. "Get some rest. You look like hell."

Better than he felt. He knew he wouldn't get any rest tonight.


Sandy woke up after sleeping for only a few hours. It was almost nine and he made sure not to disturb Kirsten as he pulled on his robe and stepped into the hallway.

When he pushed open the guestroom's door, he was surprised to see Ryan sitting up on the edge of the made bed.

"You're up early," Sandy said, sitting down on the bed beside him.

The boy was silent for a long moment. "I don't sleep much lately."

Sandy waited. He needed Ryan to talk to him. He'd wait all day.

"When I got back to Teresa's after Portland, to check on her, to get my stuff…it was like deja vu. Empty house. Nothing but dust. My bag was sitting on the porch. No letter this time, but at least she left my stuff," Ryan said suddenly. "Gone. And…no one even mentioned it. It was like Teresa and the baby never existed. I wasn't supposed to mourn, I mean, everyone keeps saying I dodged a bullet, so I wasn't supposed to care about the baby dying."

"Ryan…" Sandy started.

"That's not what this is about, though…I don't know what this is about. My mistakes, I guess. I mean, my Mom and then Teresa and now Lindsay…I mean…I am so tired of losing people…it's just not worth it…" Ryan hesitated. His casted hand was shaking on his lap.

"Ryan, I am so sorry…"

"Don't," Ryan said, shaking his head. ""I'm tired, Sandy. Of pretending. No matter what I do, how hard I try, I'm never enough and I'm tired of pretending that I am. I did everything my mother ever asked me to do…I moved back to Chino for Teresa, I gave up everything for her…and Lindsay…I'm tired, Sandy."

"You have us, Ryan. Me and Seth, Kirsten…"

"But I'm not a Cohen, Sandy. I'm not your family," Ryan sighed. "I'm tired of pretending that I'm something I'm not. I don't belong here."

"Yes, you do," Sandy said.

"I can't keep doing this. Turning it on and off, smiling at people who can barely keep themselves from spitting on me, doing my best work and having the teachers deduct points because of the kind of folder I use, I'm too tired. I was up all night and the only thing I can figure out is that I don't belong here."

"Ryan…you are a part of this family. You have your whole future ahead of you, college and…"

But Ryan shook his head. "You don't get it. I'm not worth your charity."

"It's not charity, it's never been charity…" Sandy protested.

"You knew me a total of ten minutes and you decided that you could help me. You've paid for me to go to school, fed me, gave me shelter because you thought I needed it. You felt sorry for me, for my shitty life, how is this not charity, Sandy?"

"That was then. You're a part of this family now…"

Ryan shook his head. "I don't fit."

"When you left last summer, we fell apart…Seth needs you here, I need you here…"

"You need me here because I keep Seth happy. The only time you came to visit me this summer was when you wanted me to go to Portland to get him. I will never be a member of your family, Sandy. I'm sorry. It's just another place I don't fit."

Sandy was speechless.

"I think you should reconsider being my guardian. My probation's over in a couple of weeks and…"

"No. I'm not reconsidering anything. You are not thinking straight…" Sandy protested, realizing where this was going.

"You can't make me something I'm not, Sandy. And I'm tired of trying. I…I love you guys, I appreciate everything that you're doing for me…but I'm only going to hurt you. I tried to hit you last night. I…I don't want to hurt you or your family…"

"You didn't hit me…"

"Because you moved. I would have hurt you, Sandy. There's no excuse for my behavior, I don't have an excuse…" Ryan's flood of words stopped. His blue eyes were dark with emotion. "I ruin everything I touch. Look how much you've done for me, look how much I took for granted when I took that swing?"

Sandy took him by the shoulders but Ryan wouldn't look in his eyes. "You deserve everything and more…you're too smart, you've come to far to give up on us now…"

"I'm not giving up on you, Sandy," Ryan said quietly.

Sandy was speechless. He had no idea, no inkling that Ryan was this unhappy. He'd promised Ryan a father and given him a landlord. This was his fault. He stared at Ryan's trembling hand and tried to think of how he could fix this.

"Sandy, I'm sorry."

"Are you in pain?" Sandy asked finally.

"It's not too bad," Ryan replied but Sandy could tell that he was hurting.

"Have you taken anything today?"

"You didn't give me anything," Ryan murmured. "It's okay. I earned it."

"I'll be right back, Ryan. We…this conversation isn't over. We've both made mistakes but…I'll be right back, Ryan." Sandy needed time to think. He hated walking away from him when he was in such serious emotional turmoil but he needed a moment to figure out how to fix this.


"Where'd you go? I woke up and you were…" Kirsten found Sandy standing in the kitchen staring at Ryan's prescriptions. "What is it?"

"Never ask a kid to talk if you're not prepared for what they have to say," Sandy said quietly.

"He's…he's talking to you?" Kirsten asked, surprised. Sandy should be happy that Ryan was opening up…

"He's…he's talking, he's honestly telling me how he feels and…I don't know what to do. He says he doesn't belong, that he doesn't fit, that the only reason he's here is to keep Seth happy…and, honestly, have we ever given him any reason to think otherwise? Oh, Kirsten…"

She took the prescriptions from him and left him in the kitchen, hurrying to the guest room.

Ryan was sitting on the edge of the bed when she walked in.

"Meds?" she offered, reconsidering her impulse to try and take over for Sandy.

"Thanks," he said, accepting them in his hand.

"You been up long?" she asked.

"A while. Can I go to the poolhouse and get changed?" he asked, swallowing the pills without waiting for water.

"Can we talk first? Sandy…he seems a little upset."

"He shouldn't be. I'm trying to make it right," Ryan replied.

"How?"

"I think I should leave," he said clearly. "I don't think I belong here anymore. I don't think I ever belonged here. You have opened your home to me and I appreciate it and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to repay you for your kindness, but this is not where I need to be."

"Where do you think you need to be?" she asked, trying to stay calm.

"I'll be eighteen in a couple of months. I can enroll in Newport Union for the fall semester and graduate…"

"College?" she asked quietly.

"College isn't for me. I have enough experience to get a good paying job in construction. It's all I need."

"Ryan…you're too smart to…"

"It's my decision. I have to do what's right for me…"

"And you think this is right. Quitting after you've worked so hard…"

"I'm not letting you or Sandy pay for me to go to college. That's never been my intention…"

"There are scholarships…"

"I've done research, Kirsten. I've made calls. I see the guidance counselor once every two weeks. I'm not going to get a scholarship. Two years of hard work don't equal a free ride," he replied quietly. "I don't care about that. I don't want to spend the next four years of my life with more trust fund kids…"

"Ryan, you're…"

"Not thinking straight. I'm out of my head. If you and Sandy are just going to say the same thing then you should come in together," he sighed. He leaned forward and put his good hand over his face.

"Honey…I can see how much you're hurting…and I know this isn't all because of Lindsay but are you really ready to give all this up?"

He met her gaze. "It's never been mine, Kirsten. I don't have to give up what was never mine."

She was at a loss for words. He was devastated but his mind was made up. She knew now why Sandy was in the kitchen, looking like he'd lost his boys all over again.

"We didn't agree to be your guardians lightly."

"Kirsten…"

"I want you to listen to me now."

He nodded.

"I will not let you give up on yourself. On what you could be," she said, reaching out and touching his arm. She didn't react to his flinch. "You didn't sleep. Your hand's hurting and you're upset and you've been up all night trying to make it stop. You have to rest. You have to trust us."

"None of…this…is about you or Sandy…"

"It's about you, Ryan. A member of my family. It's about all of us. Now, you made a mistake last night, but it was just that, a mistake. I am not going to let you walk away from us. Never again. Whatever is going on with you…we'll work through it."

"It's…"

"You came back, Ryan. Last night. You could've run, you could've disappeared and we'd have never found you. But you came back. Why'd you come back if you were planning on leaving anyway?"

"Because…I don't want to run away. I want you to let me go."

"Well, I'm sorry. I can't do that," she replied.

He didn't say anything and she couldn't read his face.

"Come on," she said finally. "It'll take a few minutes for those pills to kick in. Run out to the poolhouse and get cleaned up. I'll bring you something to eat."


Seth recognized his parents standing over his bed when he woke up. "What the hell…"

"Tag. You're it," his mother said.

"What's going on? What if I sleep naked or I had a girl in here? How can you just walk in and…" he started.

"Your door was open, Seth," Sandy interrupted.

Damn. "Oh. So, what's the occasion? You're a little late to tuck me in but the intention is respectable…"

"Can you talk to Ryan?" his dad asked.

And then he remembered. He'd betrayed Ryan and told his father about his 'acting out'. Ryan had tried to punch his dad and taken off. Ryan went to the hospital for a cast on his hand and wouldn't say anything when he got back. He remembered. "What happened? It's like…early."

"He wants to leave…" Sandy started.

"Tell him he can't," Seth said immediately.

"It's not that…" his mom began.

"Simple? Hell yes it is. You're in charge, you're…"

"We're not his parents," Sandy stated.

Seth started to get pissed off now. "I know that. If you were his parents, he'd already be kicked out. You're his guardians, you care about him, you're supposed to protect him and no matter how he acts, he's just a kid. You shouldn't treat him any differently than you treat me…"

"We let you stay in Portland, Seth. We let him stay in Chino…" but his father stopped talking and walked abruptly out of the room.

"Seth, we need you to help us. Ryan's your best friend, he talks to you and I don't know if you've noticed, but we've all been a little out of touch lately…"

"Yeah, I noticed."

"He upset Sandy, Seth. You know how Ryan and Sandy are…they've always been close and somehow, Ryan's got Sandy speechless…Sandy feels guilty about something and I've done all I can…"

"He's not leaving again," Seth said. He would make sure of that. If he had to chain the boy to the wall to make him stay, he'd do it. "Now, if you'll excuse me, Mother, I have to get ready and call in reinforcements."

"Reinforcements?" she asked.

He reached under the covers and revealed his secret weapon.

"Captain Oates? I don't know if that's such a good idea. Ryan's not really in a good mood," she smirked.

"I told you I'd take care of it. Now shoo."

Seth waited until his mother left to get out of bed and pull on his discarded jeans from the night before.

Ryan wanted to leave.

So Seth had to step up. He wouldn't handle this like last time and sit back and pout. He had to talk to Ryan. He'd figure out the problem and they'd fix it together. Like it was meant to me. Like the brothers they'd become.

He was at the poolhouse within minutes. He knocked and swung open the door.

Ryan looked awful. He was pale and had deep, dark circles under his eyes. His hair was wet and he hadn't bothered to comb it and he was holding his cast close against his chest as he sat on the bed.

"Dude…" Seth started.

"Not you, too," Ryan sighed.

"Yes, me too," Seth snapped. "What the hell is wrong with you? You've got my parents worried half to death, telling me that you're trying to leave and you've been acting all crazy like you want them to kick you out and I know that you don't want that…"

"Seth…"

"I'm sorry that I'm so angry, but dammit, Ryan…what the hell is wrong with you?" Seth asked, unable to stop himself.

"You want to know what's wrong with me?" Ryan asked, his demeanor changing instantly from defeat to anger. "You're asking me what's wrong with me?"

Seth's resolve faltered immediately. He had rarely seen Ryan angry and fortunately usually avoided being the focus. "I want to know why you want to leave us. This isn't like you…"

"You don't know me, Seth! You don't know anything about me…about anything…"

"Because you never tell me anything!" They were both yelling now. "I am trying to be your friend!"

"When it's convenient, you're my friend," Ryan said through clenched teeth. "And this isn't about you. This has nothing to do with you."

"It has everything to do with me, man I can't handle you leaving again…"

"Don't try and put that on me. You left last summer because of your own issues. I had nothing to do with it. I cannot take care of you, Seth. I am not your sidekick, your 'man on the streets', your partner in crime. I'm Ryan fucking Atwood, I'm a person and not an extension of you," Ryan fired back.

Seth flushed through his anger. "I know who you are, Ryan…"

"But you don't care. You've never cared, Seth. I'm unhappy and you don't care. You just want me to stay because it makes you happy."

And Seth froze. This Ryan was not the one he knew. This Ryan was angry and hurt and resentful. He couldn't talk to this Ryan. He turned and walked out. The Ryan he knew would come after him, apologizing for raising his voice, apologizing for saying those things.

Seth glanced back once he was at the kitchen entrance and saw the door slam to the poolhouse leaving the blinds banging against the window.