AN: Thanks for all the awesome reviews and encouragement. Another one finished.


It didn't matter what he did, what he said...his brain wasn't cooperating with him, it was moving too fast, it was clogged with conflicting feelings and the only emotion he could fully define was disgust. He was disgusted with himself.

He hadn't cried in years. Not consciously. Teresa had told him once that he cried in his sleep. She was the only girl he'd ever spent the whole night with, besides Marissa on the way to Tijuana and the few hours of sleep then didn't really count in his mind.

He felt the tears trickle down his face. And then he couldn't stop, his breathing picked up as the emotion he'd kept inside for so long took his oxygen and replaced them with sobs.

It was actually kind of peaceful as he let the grief take over his consciousness. His mind stopped spinning and focused on the anguish he felt. The failure. It was everything.


Sandy stepped into the poolhouse around noon with a plate of food that Rosa had prepared for him. He was relieved to see that the boy was sleeping.

He settled into the chair at the end of the bed to wait.

He had to fix this. He had to. He owed it to Ryan. He owed it to Kirsten and Seth.

The smell of the food must've drifted to Ryan's nose because his eyelids fluttered suddenly and he stirred. He sat up and regarded Sandy with dull eyes.

"Lunch."

"Thanks," he replied.

Sandy stood up and took the plate to him, relieved when Ryan accepted it and didn't turn it away.

Sandy had had a few hours to mull over Ryan's words. He'd listened to Kirsten's description of her conversation with Ryan and listened to Seth's panicked description of his own encounter. He wasn't speechless anymore. He was ready to talk and he just had to hope that Ryan was ready to listen.

Ryan picked up a chip from the plate and tasted it, chewing methodically.

"You're trying to leave us before we have a chance to leave you," Sandy stated, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Ryan studied him. Even though he'd only slept a few hours, Sandy could see that he had gotten some rest because he was visibly listening. He raised another potato chip to his mouth.

"You said a lot today. And I'm sorry that it startled me so much that I left you alone with your thoughts but I needed to think, too. There are things that I need to say to you."

Ryan nodded indifferently, but Sandy could tell that he was still listening.

"I let you down. I haven't been around much. I didn't push you to talk about this summer, partially because I wanted to give you space and partially because I didn't want to think about what you went through. I didn't come visit you this summer because I didn't think I'd have the strength to leave you there. It hurt when you left. I understand why you had to do it and I respect you more than you'll ever know…but it hurt, Ryan."

"I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault. You had to go and I had to let you go. And I was so damned happy to have you back that I didn't question you. I just accepted that you didn't want to talk about Teresa…"

"I didn't. I still don't," he muttered.

"You're so self-sufficient, Ryan, that we forget sometimes that you're just a kid. You never seem to let anything affect you and I…I take for granted that you feel things just as much as the rest of us…"

"You think I'm indifferent. Apathetic to what happens around me," Ryan said quietly.

"No. That's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I haven't made more of an effort to see what makes you tick, to see what goes on in your head. Seth, you can see every thought because it comes right out of his mouth as soon as it comes, but you…you've been on eggshells since you got here. You've never trusted your place in this family and I haven't even bothered to call you on it."

"Sandy…"

"I'm dead serious, Ryan. I will not let you walk away from this family. I will not let you walk away from me. Even if you had hit me, even if you'd beat me to a pulp, I'd still know that you didn't mean it because I know that you care about this family. You came back to us, and no matter how much you think you did it for Seth; I know you did it for yourself, too. Aren't you happy here?"

Ryan hesitated.

"Be honest."

"Sometimes. Most of the time. But…everything's so complicated here, it's so fucking hard…at least in Chino if I wanted to blend into the background to catch my breath, it wasn't a big deal…"

"You need to catch your breath. Not blend into the background. Not leave. Not give up. If you need a break…you have to ask for it…" Sandy said quietly.

"I…I don't know what I need…" he admitted.

"Talk to me, Ryan. Please. We will work it out, whatever we have to do…"

"I…" Ryan leaned back against the bed. "I don't know, Sandy…I just don't know. I'm sorry…I needed to cut loose for a while, get outside of my head and not have to think…and I know it was stupid, I know it was risking everything…but if I didn't do something…"

"If you didn't do something, what? What would have happened?"

"I would've exploded or something…had an aneurysm…I hate being out of control of my own life…" Ryan whispered.

"You're so angry…"

"I'm not angry at you, Sandy…not really…none of this is about you, you've given me everything I could ask for and I threw it back in your face…"

"No, you didn't. You're hurting and no one's seen it and you haven't said anything. Now you want to leave without even giving us a chance. Haven't we earned a chance?" Sandy asked, careful to keep his voice level. "You deserve forgiveness and so do we. Let's just forgive each other and try and move on."

"I tried to hit you."

"I remember. But you didn't. You have to remember that. And you have to remember the pain and stress that brought you to that place so you don't end up there again. The thing about mistakes is that you have to learn from them. If you don't learn anything then you're destined to keep making them. We can get past this, Ryan."

Ryan glanced up at him and then back down at his plate.

"Ryan?"

"I'm thinking."

Sandy let the silence fall over them.


Ryan followed Sandy into the house after he'd finished his dinner. Sandy was right. He'd worked too hard to throw this away. His mother had thrown away sixteen years of family and left him here. And his time here had been more fulfilling than all of those sixteen years.

He'd earned this family.

He just had to hang onto it. Keep his head. Keep his anger and libido in check.

Kirsten and Seth were sitting on the couch and Sandy went to his office.

Ryan approached them quietly and waited until they looked up at him.

"So, I'm sorry for being such a dick."

Seth and Kirsten both replied, "Don't say 'dick'."

Ryan smiled despite himself. "Sorry. But…yeah. Sorry about all the…drama."

"That's it? That's all we get?" Seth asked quietly.

"Seth," Kirsten whispered.

"I…I lost my head for a little while. This is always going to be strange for me…but I'm willing to keep trying if you guys are willing to give me another chance," Ryan said consciously forcing himself to hold Seth's gaze.

"You don't need another chance. You've still got minutes on your first one," Seth said with a relieved grin, standing up. "But I can't handle much more of your bad boy attitude…it works better in my head than real life."

"It won't happen again. Or at least while I can help it," Ryan said.

"Good. I'll see you tomorrow, I've got some phone calls to make," Seth said, slapping hands with him before trotting away.

"Sit down," Kirsten said.

Ryan sat down beside her. She leaned over and hugged him silently. "I won't lose you again, do you understand?"

He nodded. "I'm sorry…"

"I know you are. I'm sorry, too. We're all going to have to make a little bit more of an effort to communicate with each other. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Good." She released him and absently brushed his hair from his eyes.

Sandy appeared. "Ryan, you can go back to the poolhouse if you want. Get some rest."

"Thanks. I'll see you guys tomorrow."


"Where were you yesterday? I called your house, like, five times," Marissa said when he walked into the class he had with her the next day. It took her a minute to notice his casted hand. "What happened?"

"I…flipped out a little. It's a long story," Ryan said, taking his seat.

"I have time. Are you okay?"

"I'll get there. I busted my hand, though."

"Hey, if Mr. Jenkins lets you record his lectures, can I get a copy of the tape? My hand cramps up when I take too many notes," Marissa said, sensing that Ryan didn't want to talk about it.

"Of course you can. That's actually a good idea," he said, standing up and started toward the teacher's desk. She put her hand on his arm, stopping him.

"You can talk to me, if you want. You know that, right?"

"I know. But I spent the last forty eight hours talking and I'd really like some down time. Can we just hang and pretend like the past week didn't happen?"

"Sure. We can do that. For forty eight hours, at least," Marissa conceded with a smile. "But I can't make any promises about Alex. She's got some curiosity issues."

"I'm grounded anyway. Be right back," Ryan said, going to talk to the teacher.

She could tell that Ryan had changed yet again. He was back to his controlled, calm state but some of his underlying anger and hurt had dissipated. He wasn't the same guy she'd smoked up with a couple of days earlier. He was back to his old self. At least as far as she could see.

She doubted that she'd ever really know the Real Ryan.

FIN