Chapter 6.5

Nikolas tried to kill himself? Why? He's not the type to do that. I mean, I know he has a lot to feel guilty about, but . . .

"Today is a good day to die." What a joke. Who the hell does he think he is? It's his fault anyway. Damn bastard. He deserves to go through the pain and the hell that I went through.

But suicide?

I don't know why I care so much. For the last several years, he was dead to me, so why should him dying bother me so much?

Damn it.

I wish I never met him or Jalen. I wish they had never moved down the street from me or that I had never fallen in with them. They were nothing but trouble and I knew it, so why didn't I just leave them alone? Why didn't they just leave me alone?

My parents tried to warn me in their "don't tell the whole truth" way. They told me that Jalen's been in and out of trouble and that the whole family was "shaky."

It wasn't until it was too late that I found out what kind of trouble Jalen's been into. By then, I was already in love with Nikolas. Or at least I believed I was. What 9 year old truly knows love? All I knew is that he cared about me, that he talked to me like I mattered, not like I was some burden that had to be taken care of.

Even after I found out, I still never believe Jalen would do it to me. I mean, he was sixteen and I was only nine and I was a part of his gang.

The gang. Another joke. There were only a few of us and we were all named after a "sin." Nikolas's the one who gave me my name. He said it was because all the girls who saw me would envy me. And I believed him. What an idiot I was.

I trusted Nikolas. I believed he would never hurt me, that he would always protect me. He promised me that he would.

He was my best friend. He was there for everything, for every crises I went through. Even when I thought I was dying because there was so much blood. He calmed me down and took me to his mother who told me that it was just a part of life, that I was becoming a woman, a little younger than most, but that it was natural all the same. Even when I told her that it wasn't my first period, she said that it was still okay, that some months were "heavier" than others and that it would take a little while to balance itself out.

Nikolas gave me that family that I didn't have. My family was non-existent. It was just a shadow of what it once was, of what it was before my brother died.

I hate Nikolas for everything that he put me through, but a part of me still loves him. Invidia still loves him. And that scares me. How can I love someone that I hate so much?