I curled up in the farthest corner of my room and wept until I could no longer. I hardened my heart and closed myself off from those hot stinging tears and refused to feel no more. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I don't want to suffer like this. I'm not that strong.
But I have to be strong. For reasons I do not know. Maybe I'm just a coward. . . afraid to die. Afraid to find out what's really after this horrible thing we call life. Yes.. .that's it.
What had I been thinking? Why did I want him to care for me so badly? Why did I let it hurt me so badly when I saw the truth in his eyes? He's like eveyone else. . . Why does it hurt so much worse to know he's just the same?
I wanted him to be different. . .I dared to hope that maybe he really did care. That maybe he'd take care of me. . . I want to be taken care of so badly. . . I'm so tired of this loneliness I live in. Tired of this pain I've secluded myself to. I. . . I wanted him to fix me. . make me all better. Just like that. And that I'd be happy again. Everything would just go back to the way it was before. . .
But everything I secretly hoped for, wasnt true. I let myself down to some faint hope that someone could muster a little compassion for me. But I guess I'm just not worth it. I'm only a messed up person who wears womens clothes and mask myself in layers of ivory and eyeshadow. Who could ever simply fix the shipwreck that is me?
Who would want to?
No one.
I know this is true, as I stare at the old wooden floors of my room, the gentle sway of ocean waves rocking me back and forth. . back and forth. I feel so sick and miserable. I just want to sleep. . . sleep for a long. . .long time. To forget this ever happened. Get away from it all. Not even the ocean can calm me any longer.
A pouding comes at my door. For a moment I thought it may have been Karsh. . .coming for revenge. The wrath of a warrior. But its not his voice that I hear. It's Miki's. "Nikki! Nikki open up right now!" She cried, banging her little fists on my door. "Nikki what is wrong with you? Open up!"
I do not listen to her. I curl up into a tight little ball in my corner and wait it out.
She's angry with me again. . . I can never make her happy. No matter how many fake smiles I give her. No matter how much I tell her I'm fine. I just want her to leave me alone. Let me be. . . let me waste myself into no return. She's only doing this to make herself feel better. She doesnt want bear the guilt of doing nothing. . . though I know she truly doesnt care what happens to me. So long as she gets to moment in the spotlight. That's all that really matters.
Just let me be. . .
Go find some other spotlight to whore yourself to. It will be so much easier if you do. . .
Just let me be. . .
I'm so. . .so tired, curled up into my own arms, waiting for her to just go away. But she doesnt stop. She keeps calling to me. Demanding me to open my door. Like she actually thinks I will.
I guess I'm not the only one who hopes in the hopeless.
I get up, and move across the room. Not to the door but to my bed and lift the corner of the mattress to reveal all those little white pills I've stashed there over the months. Miki thought she could get rid of my supply. . . No. It wouldnt be that easy. I take four into my hand. . .
Yes. . . That should be more than enough.
It was that moment something clashed into my door and it flung open carelessly. And Miki came rushing in, only to stop suddenly when she saw what I held. Karsh, dripping wet with sea water, was close behind her, not looking too happy himself.
I hand went to her rosey lips, in some attept to look shocked and horrified when she realized what I was about to do.
Thats right Miki. You're not perfect like you think you are. You're about to be free of me. . .
"Nikki put those down right now." She whimpered that pathetic, squeeky way of hers. As if she were on the brink of real tears. "Please, Nikki. . .Put them down" She begged. Karsh said nothing.
I'd had enough. I gave her one last fake smile and swallowed the pills.
"Nikki!" she screamed. And the last thing I saw was a blur of purple moving toward me, and a sharp pain as his fist connected with my cheek.
Way to go Karsh. . . You got your revenge.
I don't want to wake up. . .
Just let me be.
Darkness.. .that's all there was. Just cold. . . lonely darkness, all around me.
No light anywhere.
Noteven in my mind.
I could barely think. .. barely register that my eyes were open. That my body felt weightless in this strang place.
This place wasnt real. . . that was the only hazed thought that come through my mind.
I was dead.
Yes. . . For once I felt nothing.
Dead. . .
But I could not smile at this. All I knew was that I was alone and did not like it. . .
For the first time was truly alone. . . . and I hated it.
I only wanted to see his face once more. . . The face of the man I wanted to care for me. . . but never would.
That's all I rememebr of that place. . . That dark. . .cold. . .lonely place I never want to be again.
He's crying in his sleep, stirring in bed like a child squirming away from the shadows of night. Tears of black mascara streaming down his pale white cheeks. And I can only watch as he suffers from thedeep sleep he submitted himself to.
What has become of the Nikki I once knew? The Nikki who ran around with his guitar, singing and annoying everyone along the way. The Nikki who never gave a damn about what anyone thought of him. The eernest, ad kind Nikki who would do anything to help, to protect this world from evil. to save the innocent, and to get a good laugh in between all that. The fun loving Nikki who we all loved. . .
Miki wont tell me anything. She only looks away from me when I ask her questions.
I know she knows. But she does not want to tell me.
What could it be? What could be so horrible that it changed Nikki into. . . this? The exact opposit of what he once was. . .
I thought it was only a joke. . .the way he dressed. I thought it was a stage act. Something new to go along with his change of music.
I see now that it is not. Something changed Nikki. . . something so bad that it truly messed him up inside.
I fought with Nikki in our journy to save this world. we saw horrible deaths, and cruel monsters. Disturbing things that no one else could handle. But none of that ever had an effect on him. It never changed that bright spark of life in his eyes.
Something else. . . Something worse happened to him. Something that killed the life in his eyes. For when I look at him now I see nothing but a hollow shell where Nikki used to be.
I don't want to know what happened. . . I don't want to know what killed Nikki. I hope I never find out.
Let him keep his secrets.
There's a stirring at the door, and I look up to see Miki'spuffy redface.
She'd been crying the whole time. Ever since we dragged Nikki from the ship and handed him over to the Doc's care. Even when he said Nikki would be fine, she was still crying. No one could make her stop. And she would not answer me.
Now it looked as though she may have stopped, as she slowly wandered over to Nikki's side and sat down beside him, dabbing his tears with ahankerchief, staining the silk white cloth with hissmudged black makeup. I didn't say anything as she wiped his face clean of hismask, revealing his true, ocean tanned face, a hint of a nasty black bruise on his cheek where I had hit him.
I saw her wince when she saw it.
I don't know why I did it. But he angeredme so. . .so much.That I couldn't help myself.
Firsthe pushed me overboard and then. . . and then he tried to kill himself infront of us all. I wanted to be the one to kill him for his ignorance. But Miki and her friends stopped me from hitting him again., and one of the crew members managed to pull me away from his crumpled body.
I stood from afar, gazng down at him on the ground. And I realized something. . .
Nikkihadgrown so fragile and weak.He was no longer tough and hardened by battle. He was delicate like a flower. He could no longer take care of himself, I knew.
And Miki and her friends were trying their hardes to take care of him themselves. They were fightign a losing battle. Nikki obviously didn't want their help.
Perhaps today finally made Miki realize this. Because she turned to look at me, new tears farming in her deep blue eyes, and she asked me "Please.. . help him."
