Part 9
Disclaimer: I own… not The O.C. But feel absolutely free to sue for my math book. Seriously, take it.
A/N: As always, I couldn't have done this (or at least you couldn't have read it) without the help of the delightful 60schic. And, yes, it's been tweaked since then which is entirely my fault.
Summer was still awake, or awake again, or something. It was three o'clock in the morning and she felt no more rested than she had when she had gone to bed.
Her brain just wouldn't shut up. Memories of Marissa interspersed with memories of being with Seth.
It wasn't fair. Why couldn't she deal with either losing her best friend or with her feelings for Seth. Why did she have to figure out both simultaneously? And of course, there was Zach, which didn't help anything.
He was a good guy. She liked him a lot. But. But he still wasn't Seth Cohen.
She and Seth… there's this… thing between them. Summer couldn't describe it, and she certainly doesn't know how to justify it being the impetus for breaking up with Zach, but it's there.
It's been there since Seth recited her poem and remembered her squirrel, since Summer saw Marissa lying unconscious in a Tijuana alleyway and instinctively hid her face against Seth. It was there when she accosted him in his pool house on Thanksgiving, and when she dressed up as Wonder Woman. No one, before or since, has made her feel safe enough, or desperate enough, to do something like that.
And now, now that he's briefly showered her with concern only to withdraw all interest, caring about him hurt like hell. Summer would like to be comforted by Zach. Would like to transfer every feeling she has from Seth to Zach, but she can't.
Zach wasn't, isn't, will never be, Seth Cohen. At this point she can't take cream soda over champagne even if she really likes cream soda.
Summer definitely hasn't gotten enough sleep. Not if she is comparing Seth and Zach to carbonated beverages.
She doesn't know what to do. Or rather, she does but she doesn't want to do it. Summer needs comfort zones.
She turned to her other side and wished for sleep.
Summer gave up her futile attempts at sleep around 4:30.
She got up, showered, dressed and spent an hour carefully applying make-up.
It was a gesture. She was putting on a façade of flawless skin and lined eyes, of cherry lips and infinite eyelashes. Summer would not be crying today.
Summer Roberts was cold and composed and affected by nothing.
It was easier than she expected to refit her familiar mask. Seth's newest slight still hurt. She didn't understand, didn't want to have to understand.
"Summer!" Holly flung herself at Summer the second she stepped onto campus.
"Hey Holly. Sorry I didn't call you back."
"Don't even worry about it." Holly composed herself. "How are you Sum? Really?"
"I'm…" Summer trailed off. "We should talk sometime. Reminisce."
Holly nodded. "I thought I might have a get-together at the beach house tomorrow."
A get-together at Holly's had long ago become a euphemism for a drunken bash. At the moment Summer couldn't think of anything she'd enjoy more than getting senselessly drunk and dancing her hurt out.
"A get-together sounds nice."
"Summer!"
"Oh my God, Sum! It's so tragic!"
The girls had been spotted and a swarm of mini-Newpsies were descending upon them. Holly squeezed Summer's arm reassuringly and Summer flashed her old friend a grateful smile as she began to gracefully field questions from their generation's most avid gossip-mongers.
A kiss on her cheek distracted Summer from Traci Cheltham's inane question about whether the Coopers were considering taxidermy.
"Hey," she stood with a smile and embraced Zach, drawing all the strength she could from him.
"Hi." Zach lowered his voice. "You okay?"
Summer's stomach was churning with guilt. She needed Zach but she didn't want him. She wasn't brave enough to cut him loose but he was suffocating her.
"It's hard," Summer answered honestly. "I'm tired."
Zach ran a hand over Summer's head. It was Seth's move and it felt wrong coming from anyone else. Summer pulled away.
"Thanks," she smiled gratefully. "I needed that."
"Welcome." The school bell tolled conveniently. "I'll see you later?"
"Yeah."
"Summer. Hey," Seth greeted her awkwardly between classes.
He was like a ray of sunshine in the gloom that had become Summer's life. Like the sun itself, looking at Seth hurt. "Cohen. How's Ryan?"
"He'll be home this afternoon. Luke's coming by. You should too."
"Yeah?" Summer's hopes raised. Seth wanted her to come to his house. He wanted her to be near by. He-
"I know Ryan's worried about you. He wants to talk," Seth interrupted Summer's thoughts.
"He wants to what?" Summer was part amused and part angry that Seth was only speaking to her for Ryan's sake.
"Exactly. So will you come?" Seth requested.
"Of course. What time?"
"After school. Whenever."
Summer nodded. "Okay. See you then."
Seth walked away and Summer's heart ached. How could he go from wanting to be her everything to barely tolerating her in the space of two days? It hurt. It hurt so much. And everything Summer thought she had managed to resolve the night before was up in the air again.
