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Part 15
Summer awoke bathed in sunlight, encircled in Seth's safe arms. She breathed in his scent, a mixture of him, aftershave, clean cotton and the alcohol and cigarettes from last night's party. She closed her eyes and tried to commit this moment to memory. Who knew when she would be back in Cohen's arms?
The thought was bittersweet. She would miss him, miss this. On the other hand, the next time Summer found herself in Seth's arms she would be his girlfriend. The situation was a decidedly mixed blessing.
The sound of a throat clearing, interrupted Summer's reverie. Kirsten stood in the doorway, arms crossed and disapproving.
Summer tried to scoot away from Seth but his arms held her fast.
Kirsten cleared her throat again, loudly.
"Mrs. Cohen," Summer said softly. "This isn't… it isn't at all what it looks like."
"Really? Because it looks to me like you and Seth slept in each others arms," Kirsten's voice was tinged with annoyance.
"Okay, maybe it's a little bit what it looks like," Summer acknowledged.
"Mom," Seth said exasperatedly, rolling away from Summer, "Summer had a nightmare. She couldn't get to sleep."
"So you decided to not-sleep together?" Kirsten's voice dripped doubt.
"I was calming her down," Seth patronized his mother. "I guess we both fell asleep. It's entirely innocent."
"Hmm." Kirsten didn't sound convinced. "Regardless, it's time for school."
"Really?" Seth glanced around for a clock and finally spotted one. "Mom, it's like 6:30!"
"I thought Summer might want to go home and get ready for school," Kirsten explained coolly.
"You're right. That's a really good idea." Summer jumped up from the floor. "Thanks Mrs. Cohen. Do you want me to pick up the bed?"
"Naah. I'm going to try to catch a few more minutes of sleep." Seth decided. "See you at school?"
"I guess."
Somewhere between leaving the Cohen's and pulling into her usual parking spot at Harbor, Summer decided she really didn't want to be at school.
Between the party last night and Ryan's story about Marissa, and dumping Zach, and the whole waiting-for-Cohen saga, Summer didn't feel ready to face the repercussions of it all.
But she couldn't not go. She'd already missed two days this week. Plus Holly would want to talk about last night and she had to prove to Zach and Seth that she wasn't hiding from them. Summer Roberts did not hide from boys. She did however seriously consider scheduling a facial instead of fourth period.
It was hard walking in, watching everyone watching her. She knew what they were thinking, what she would have been thinking in their place.
They were wondering what Luke was doing back. Why he was back for the funeral of an ex-girlfriend.
They were wondering if Ryan was here. If he was suicidal. If… Summer realized she didn't know either. If he was okay, if he'd really seen Marissa die or if the images had been a comatose nightmare.
Summer whirled. She had to get out of here, had to see Ryan.
"Hey Summer, you okay?" Zach caught her arm as she rushed past him.
"Zach. What are you doing?" she snapped.
"You look upset. I was concerned. I thought we were friends."
"Are we?" she asked, too tired of all the drama to really care.
"Yeah."
"Fine." Summer snapped. "I need to get out of here."
Zach led her to quiet bench.
Summer didn't know what she was supposed to say in reaction, or how to just get up and walk away from Zach. Instead she did nothing.
"Summer," Zach gathered her in his arms and she felt nothing.
Glimpsing a flash of curly brown hair in the crowd Summer felt a flush of happiness. She was his. And then she recalled that he wasn't hers and the weight of the world fell on her even harder than it had before.
"I've gotta…" Summer pulled away from Zach and stood. The bell rang fortuitously. "…Go to class."
"Summer, hey. How are you?" Seth caught her outside of her fourth period class.
"Fine. Cohen what are you doing?"
Seth looked puzzled.
"Are we friends?" Summer pressed.
"Are we not?"
"You said," Summer lowered her voice, "that it was easier for you to not be around me if we weren't going to be together. We aren't together so…"
"And you said, easier sucks," Seth pressed her against the hallway wall and leaned towards her.
"Cohen, please," the last word was nearly a whisper, and was most definitely a test, "don't."
Seth heard it and sighed in frustration. "Summer…"
"We can't. You can't. Either/or, not both." Summer insisted, and then affectionately ran her hand down the side of his slightly prickly cheek. "I'll wait for you. I'm waiting."
"I saw you with Zach. That's waiting?"
"Zach's having trouble with the whole broken up concept. There's nothing between us anymore. I'm not sure there ever was."
Seth bit his lip and tilted his head downward, his liquid eyes caught Summer's own. "Promise?"
Summer nodded vigorously. "Yes. Yes, yes, yes! I would promise you anything Cohen. Do anything."
Seth sighed again. "You're making it very hard to not kiss you right now."
"Let me make it easy," Summer slipped between Seth and the wall. She turned and smiled back at him before turning and walking into her classroom.
In the sanctuary of her history class, Summer sank into her chair with a sigh. Seth had a gift for making everything so hard.
Until two minutes ago she'd had no idea she had so much willpower. All she'd wanted to do in that hallway, all she'd wanted, was to wrap her leg around his and kiss him until they were both gasping and blue. But.
But Seth has a girlfriend. But Summer just lost her best friend. But Summer broke up with her boyfriend yesterday. She doesn't know anything but that the timing is wrong, and she hopes that waiting, staying apart, will be the best thing for them in the long run.
She's so fucking confused and lonely.
The loneliness sneaks up on her in an ache all at once while she's reading chapter 12. Her heart and her groin ache in tandem and Summer isn't really sure who she's missing, just that every fiber of her being is missing someone. Someones, plural.
It's strange how mixed up Seth and Marissa have become in Summer's head. They're entangled in each other. A giant rat's nest of emotion, and Summer's sort of afraid of what she might find at the core.
Missing Marissa makes sense, but Summer has no idea why she's missing Seth. He tried to kiss her five minutes ago. For the first time in months she finally has Seth, or at least the promise of having him someday. Yet she misses him more than ever. Everything might be easier she thinks, if she had no one at all.
By lunchtime loneliness had progressed to guilt and Summer longs to feel normal again. She thinks that at this point she would sell her soul to be okay, to have more than a tentative grip on reality. But no. Summer feels guilty.
She wants to call Luke and apologize for making Marissa's death all about Seth. She needs Luke to be a stand-in for Coop so that she can be forgiven for being a shitty friend, in life and after.
The idea of calling Luke reminds Summer that she hasn't really talked to Ryan since she forced him to relive the accident.
Another thing to feel guilty about. Summer struggled to fill her lungs with air.
This was ridiculous. Tears stung her eyes. Completely ridiculous. She wanted to go back to being the old Summer Roberts. The girl who didn't feel anything for anyone. Even numbness, horrible, horrible blankness, would be better than this chronic aching hurt.
Her façade is no longer firmly in place. It keeps cracking and slipping. Seth broke it as swiftly and surely as he's broken through every barrier she's ever placed between herself and him. Anyway, Summer doesn't really have the energy to keep up the mask.
She's shattered, and no one's seemed to notice, or at least not to care enough to do anything to help her. Besides, Seth and Zach are under strict orders to back off, and Coop's dead.
Not that Marissa was much for cleaning up messes anyway. Summer was always so careful not to break, to be strong for Coop that after awhile it felt like Marissa was being strong for her too. Except clearly not, not if Marissa's brilliant solution to her problems had been a one-way drive off a highway. Summer's cell had been on, they could have talked, but no, Coop wanted to party her problems away. Whatever.
Summer's going to have to pick up her own shattered mess. She's already starting to, sort of, not really. She's wallowing, letting all the angst and drama and tragedy seep in to her so that she can play the victim.
Sometime during her last few classes, Summer decided there was only one way to assuage her guilt, and that was to actually go and see Ryan. Once she talked to him, could see that he was okay, then she would be okay. She wondered when exactly her sanity had started hinging on other people's. It was annoying.
She parked at the curb and went around the back. She didn't know if she could trust her self-control if she encountered Seth alone, and if she encountered Seth with Alex? Well maybe she should plan on joining Marissa for a double funeral, because seeing Seth and Alex together might just kill her.
Summer cut across the yard and was halfway to the pool house when she saw them. Alex with her arm around Ryan, head tilted as she listened compassionately.
Summer told herself as she fled the Cohen's that the tears blinding her as she ran were tears of anger. Not, definitely not, tears of distress that she had been so utterly replaced by Alex. Fucking old-looking bartender Alex.
Of all the bad times to pick to have a sit-down conversation to find out how Summer was handling Marissa's death, her father had picked the absolute worst.
"I'm fine Dad," Summer assured him brusquely.
"Okay, but, let's talk anyway."
"Can't," Summer was flippant. "I've got loads of homework to catch-up on."
"Oh. To catch-up on?"
Summer rolled her eyes. "From the two days I was absent this week." She turned and swished up the stairs. She refused to deal with yet another neglectful male right now.
