A/N: As always, much love to 60sChic-the-wonder-beta for coming to the rescue. Mistakes are mine. Thanks also to those people who have taken it upon themselves to be my nags, I appreciate it, really! And, of course, thank you, thank you, thank you for the sweet reviews. I'm flattered and honored!
Part 17
Summer got to Seaview Heights Cemetery an hour and a half early. To help she supposed, not that she had any idea what might need doing. Fortunately she met Julie Cooper in the parking lot and was led into the cemetery's kitchen.
A flock of Newpsies was already there setting out pretty sandwiches and cookies, and gossiping among themselves.
Summer set herself to work chopping up vegetables for crudités. There would be dip, Marissa had always been a fan of dip. And yes, Summer knew the caterers could chop the vegetables themselves, they could also probably arrange pretty sandwiches and cookies, but the action felt therapeutic.
Summer's irritation with the Newpsies grew the longer she listened to them. With their stupid designer "funeral suits" and their treating Marissa's funeral like a social event, they were enjoying it, Summer fumed to herself. The vultures were fucking enjoying this.
Summer's chopping grew more and more vicious until she felt a hand on her shoulder.
"I think the carrots are cut small enough," Julie told her gently.
Summer said nothing, but put the knife down with a sigh.
"It's hard isn't it?" Julie asked. "Letting go, it's hard for people like us. Marissa was… she wasn't afraid of feelings. I am, and I think you are too."
Summer turned, fully prepared to blast Julie for the comparison. She was stopped short by the gentle expression on Julie's face, the tears in the woman's eyes.
"I…"
Julie opened her arms to Summer. Summer embraced her best friend's mother. Pressed her face into Julie Cooper's shoulder.
"You're the only mother I've got," Summer mumbled, clinging to her best friend's mother.
Julie's arms tightened around Summer, and she began to sway gently.
"Julie-" A Newpsie began, and Summer felt Julie lift a hand to wave the women off.
"I, I'm sorry." Summer tried to pull away, struggled to compose herself.
"It's alright. Are you okay?" Julie asked. It amazed Summer that this was abrasive, bitchy, power-hungry and gold-crazed Julie Cooper. She was being so gentle, so sweet, so uncharacteristically compassionate.
"No," Summer yelped before burying her face again in Julie's black suit jacket.
"Okay, okay sweetie," Julie murmured rubbing small circles on her back.
"Julie?" Summer recognized Kirsten Cohen's voice and inwardly cringed. Their last encounter hadn't gone terribly well. "Sorry to interrupt, but people are starting to arrive. I didn't know if you would want to be out there."
"Um…" Julie awkwardly shifted around Summer.
Summer jerked up quickly.
"I'm fine. Go ahead, I'm fine." Summer wiped around her eyes, careful not to smear her makeup, even though she knew nothing had been smeared.
Julie laughed uncomfortably. "Thank God for waterproof mascara, huh?"
"Yeah, totally. Julie? Thank you. For everything."
Julie hugged Summer impulsively. "Thank you. You were a good friend to her."
Summer bit her lip and ducked her head uncomfortably.
"We should get out there," Julie stated. "You coming Sum?"
"I…"
"You go Julie," Kirsten instructed. "I'll wait with Summer until she's ready to face the crowd."
"Thanks Mrs. Cohen but I'm okay, really," Summer protested as Julie left the kitchen.
"Summer." Kirsten's voice was gentle but stern. "There's no one here but us. You can be honest with me."
"I can't be honest with anyone." Summer hadn't meant for Kirsten to hear, but hear it she had.
"What? What do you mean?"
"I can't tell… you don't want to hear that I'm still in love with your son. I can't tell Seth that I feel like I'll die without him. I can't tell Ryan that he deserved, deserves so much better than Marissa. I can't tell Julie and Jimmy that their daughter was a psychotic lush who hurt everyone she touched. I can't…" Summer bit her lower lip hard enough to leave tooth prints.
"Summer…" Kirsten held her hands up, helpless in the face of Summer's dillemas.
"It's been a rough week," Summer sniffled and pasted on a smile. "Shall we go pay our respects?"
Kirsten gaped as Summer pulled herself together within a few seconds and used the back of a chrome napkin holder to quickly fix her make-up before heading outside.
Walking to the chapel to pay her respects, Summer felt dangerous. Like her insides were pressed too tight together and she might combust at the slightest provocation. But that couldn't happen. She was as composed as she could be, determined not to make a scene at Marissa's funeral.
Marissa's funeral. Summer was trying to think of it as something else, a play, or an event, or anything but the burial of her best friend. She didn't know what to do, how to do it. Summer Roberts was not a big fan of being out of her element, and this was definitely that.
She walked into the chapel seconds before the funeral started. Caitlin beckoned to her and Summer hurried over to the where Cooper family was seated. She slid into the pew and squeezed Caitlin tight.
"I'm glad you're here," Caitlin whispered into Summer's ear.
"Anytime, anywhere," Summer promised fiercely. "We're friends."
"We're sisters," Caitlin corrected hugging Summer tightly.
Julie cleared her throat gently and the girls separated, Caitlin's hand tucked into Summer's.
Sitting up straight, Summer looked around for the first time. She saw Seth and felt a warm flush before observing that his girlfriend was clinging to him.
Seeing Seth with Alex, Summer thought that God maybe hated her. She didn't fit, had maybe never fit, except she knew how they fit together. Summer couldn't accept that something that felt so right was a mistake.
Summer's thoughts were interrupted by Caitlin squeezing her hand tightly. The Reverend was approaching the pulpit. Caitlin glanced at Summer apprehensively and Summer swallowed a lump in her throat.
She couldn't say afterwards who had spoken, what had been said, what music had been played. Summer told Julie that it had been a beautiful service, but all Summer had been aware of was when Caitlin had started to cry, and Jimmy, and when Julie herself had shed a few tears. The service was a blur of held hands, passed handkerchiefs, and squeezed shoulders.
