CHAPTER SIX: Jibun o Urandemo Itami WA Kie WA Shinai
TRANSLATION: Even if You Despise Yourself, the Pain Will Not Vanish, from Hoshi no Suna, by Gackt.
The song at the end of this chapter is also Hoshi no Suna.
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Yes, this is the last segment of this story, before we get into Part Three, Black Oleander. Make note that this title is subject to change. I was hoping that Shinrai would be a bit longer, but to no avail, six chapters just the same. Gr. And I'm sorry; I was so sure that this chapter was going to be nice and long, but alas. Forgive me?
Thank you to everyone who reviewed and/or lurked about long enough to read this. But I wish that more people would review. Oh well. Panther-chan, are you happy? You helped get me out of my slump, you, the other reviewers, and a few rounds of slashy one-shots to get my fire up. For that, thank you.
I'll have the first chapter of Black Oleander up as soon as it's edited, okay? Trust me, you don't want the raw material.
Warnings: Character death, blood, overwhelming angst, overwhelming fluff, and…. More angst! (And more fluff, because Falcon is fluffy like cotton balls!)
NOTES: There is a voting section at the end of this like last time where you can vote and tell me what you think about this story, me, or my stories in general, and be honest!
DISCLAIMER: Oh hell no. That is, unless you want one terrifyingly genki seventeen year-old girl in charge of DBZ. Trust me, you don't.
"Chirp?": Vocal speech
Chirp: Pokemon speech
Chirp: Thoughts or other
"Chirp?": Emphasized word.
NOTES BEFORE READING: I have my own opinion of how these characters should speak when I use Japanese. Sasuke uses boku, Haruka uses atashi, and Gohan uses bothboku and watashi interchangeably. He uses watashi mostly, but when he's upset he'll revert to boku.
EXPLANATION ON THE LETTER: Basically, Gohan has something of a pen pal, whom he talks to about what bothers him without either knowing of who the other is. Therefore, the phrase, Boku no Fukushin-san is fitting, as it means 'my confidant' .
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REVIEWS:
Nightingale: Yes, Gackt is so much love. Listen to him as much as you can. Nope, 'Shura's not after badges this time, he's already done it.
TheShadowPanther: Hai, hai, translations. (sigh) Ugh. I'm glad that you enjoyed Tori-san, I was very worried. (sighs in relief) I was also rather surprised that you liked the characterization of her. I agree with you, QuickEdit is an asshole.
As you can see, Tobi did get off his butt after he got better, but that just led to a short final chapter. Depressing, isn't it? I'm sorry if this disappoints you.
MarshmellowDragon: I'm glad that you liked the school kids! (grin) And I like the rain! Writers block sucks….
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Begin:
"Oh, I'm so nervous!"
"Would you please calm down? Haruka's the one who should be freaking out, not you!" Sasuke remarked, watching as Gohan paced back and forth, then at the girl who sat calmly on a bench in stark contrast. Gohan blinked then sweatdropped.
"Hehehehe…" he laughed, sitting down and beginning to fidget.
"What? Zaka-san, don't you have faith in me? Sensei?" Haruka inquired, eyes going all glittery like in girly manga, banking on one of Gohan's few true weaknesses. The saiyan gulped and looked away.
"G-gomen nasai. It isn't that." he sighed before smiling as Kira bounced over to pounce into his lap. "It's not that at all. You've gotten so much better, I just want you to do well."
"Well, now that that's settled," Sasuke trailed off, "Ruka-chan, aren't you supposed to be backstage before people start coming in?" Sure enough, people were beginning to trickle in, and Haruka yelped before sprinting backstage. The shinobi laughed. "Well, that helped. 'Shura, sit down before someone steals your seat," he ordered jokingly, and Gohan smiled, plopping himself in his seat just as a large, unhygienically large man was about to sit down. Said man cursed loudly and went off to find another seat.
"Now, be quiet, the contest is about to start!" Gohan hissed quietly as the lights went dim and a well-dressed man in a suit stepped out amidst cheers.
"Hi there, and welcome to Verdanturf's weekly pokemon contest! This week we have four competitors, so please welcome Brad, from Slateport City, Savannah, from Fortree City, Gary, from Mauville, and Haruka, from Littleroot Town! Give them a big round of applause! And first off, we have Brad and his Mudkip!"
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"And for our last entry, Hakamatsu Haruka and her Beautifly!"
Gohan and Sasuke clapped and whooped wildly for their friend who stepped out from behind the curtain looking absolutely terrified. She looked around frenziedly for several seconds before her eyes landed on her teachers, who grinned and shot her a thumbs up. She gave a weak grin.
"Beautifly, gust!" she exclaimed, tossing a frisbee into the air. Beautifly chirped and obeyed happily, causing a pleasant, soothing breeze and spinning the disc in a graceful arc right back at Haruka. The girl jumped up and caught it with a flourish, only to spin it right out over the heads of the judges, "Gust, again!" Once again, it was sent right back and Haruka cheered, beginning to relax.
"Now, silver wind and string shot combination!"
In a flash of silver, the arena lit up and sparkly, almost confetti like squiggles were falling down onto everyone's heads. Gohan yelped for a second and began pulling it out of his hair, scowling mildly as it tugged.
"Painful, 'Shura?" Sasuke inquired, and reached over to help him pull the stuff out, laughing when it stuck to his fingers, just as the battles took place.
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"Oh, I'm awesome! I pwn!" Haruka declared, shining her brand new ribbon and actually using the word 'pwn'. Gohan grinned at her.
"I'm proud of you, Ruka-san. I knew you could do it."
"Yeah, after you finally calmed down, spazmatic." Sasuke cut in playfully, practically asking for a round of sarcastic banter from his friend. Grinning, the saiyan obliged him, and so in true male fashion, began to pelt each other with childishness.
Master, you're quite odd. Aoi commented lightly, trotting easily beside her trainer, I never would have guessed when you asked me to stay that you would be so unusual.
Well, of course! Kira replied, tossing her head and making her collar jingle cheerfully, I knew right away!
Did not. Pikachu muttered, I was the first one he understood.
Well, you have seniority! Aoi growled back.
Are you calling me old? Pikachu inquired menacingly, just as Gohan began laughing. Nani?
"You guys are too funny!" the hybrid laughed, "Don't ever change."
We won't. Not if you don't want us to.
And from there it was quiet.
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Boku no Fukushin-san,
Today was not the greatest. No, please don't ask me why I'm writing in English. Maybe it's because that if this is intercepted by anything, they won't be able to read it. I'm not sure if you know English either, but that's why I write to you, right? So that I can get an opinion from someone who doesn't know me, right? So I can get my feelings out to someone who won't be offended by what I say.
Don't get me wrong, Fukushin-san; I love Sasuke, but I feel like if I tell him anything that he'll react wrong. He's always so determined to protect me, that he won't admit that something's wrong.
Like my problems with Dad.
He says that Father doesn't hate me. He's wrong, and he knows he's wrong, and he doesn't tell me so. I know he's only trying to be a good friend, but it hurts to know that he, like nearly everyone else, considers me a child.
And my pokemon. I love them, I love all of them, but they're so protective. I feel terrible about this, when so many people don't have so many who care for them that much, but sometimes I feel that they go a bit overboard. I don't like the fact that they act like I have no faults. I'm not perfect, or omnipotent, but it's either one of two options. I'm either too young and need to be protected from everything because I'm weak, or that I'm all-powerful and still need to be protected.
Does all this make me a drama queen? Does the fact that I spill all to someone I've never met make me as pathetic as I think it does? I know for a fact that I would most likely hate it if I ever met you, no offense. But I think that this is one of those things that simply needs to be kept on paper, you know?
On another note, I'm going home soon, like you advised me to do. I'm going to try one last time to work things out with Father in a talk. Doubt it will help a hell of a lot, but you were right, I'm only running away otherwise, and not trying is worse than failing. Sigh.
Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to it.
This means that I have to say good-bye to Haruka-san, and it makes me sad that I have to do it like this. I don't want her hurt. But truly, she's gotten so much better than when she first started out, and I don't think that she really needs my guidance anymore. She doesn't need my confidence anymore, or at least that's how I feel. I'm so proud of her, and I don't think she can really shine with me hanging around.
You know what I wonder, Fukushin-san? I wonder if I've ever really made a difference in anything I've done. I mean, sure, I beat Cell and all that shit, but my family's world still got destroyed in the end. I'm supposed to be some so-called 'Chosen Child' but I haven't actually done anything to make me stand out from anyone else.
But I digress, and I'm tired. I will write you again, later.
Sincerely,
Ryuuza.
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Ryuuza-san,
It was good to get your letter; I hadn't heard from you for some time, I was worried. You might like to know that I do in fact know English, and delighted in waving that in front of my older sister. That and the fact that I have a friend who knows English too and she doesn't. Yes, very third grade, but it certainly does get the point across, does it not?
Anyway, I'm glad that you're taking my advice and going to go and talk to your dad. Mine walked out on my mom and sis when I was two and was too young to understand what was happening. All I knew was that daddy was leaving and that he wouldn't come back. It was only until I was about ten that I truly realized what it meant, and I can truthfully tell you that I hated him for it. From I've seen (wrote?) you seem like too much of a good person to allow hatred to rule your life. I don't want you to be like me. Truth be told, my teachers would tell you the same thing. Wink. Get it? That was supposed to be some semblance of a joke.
Ah, well.
Anyway, about this 'Haruka-san', if you really feel that that's what you should do, well, do what you have to do.
I've got a question for you, Ryuuza-san. I know that I myself get a lot out of our correspondence, but does it help you? I see it as an opportunity to express myself to someone who won't judge me, and it really does help me with many of my problems. It's nice to get another opinion from someone who isn't biased.
And on your issue of spilling all to one you haven't met, it's my personal opinion that it's better, so you don't have to worry about being judged. And no, it doesn't make you a drama queen. Or king, in your case, I assume that you're very much male. If you weren't, I'd be rather worried about those prepubescent girls chasing you about with your shirt off. Can you tell that I'm laughing hysterically at you?
Anyway, my mother wants me to go to a military school in Viridian this next year, supposedly to discipline me. I'm perfectly disciplined; I just don't see the point in learning what the cubed root of 3.4646565 is. Boo hiss. But at least at this place I'll be able to work with pokemon, they have a police k-9 unit where I can work with Growlithe, so it won't be too awful.
I don't really have anything else to say right now, so write me back when you feel like it and tell me how things went with your father, okay?
Sincerely,
Kimi no Fukushin-san.
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"Oh, Haruka-san is never going to forgive us for this." Gohan murmured quietly from atop Hitori, whilst Sasuke rode his own. Both looked rather guilty. "But you agree with me, right? That it's better for her to pave her own rode, right? Right?"
"Yeah." Sasuke answered truthfully, "Yeah, I do."
Please don't feel so bad, Kira inquired of her trainer, I hate seeing you so sad.
"Plus, I just don't want to get involved with Dad. I don't."
"But 'Shura, it has to be done. You know that." The shinobi told him mildly, and Hitori nickered reassuringly, tossing his head.
"All right, alright." the hybrid exclaimed, a small smile twisting over his features. "I'll shut up, promise. Cross my heart."
No one said anything in response.
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"Please leave now." Gohan said as they rode into Viridian some time later. "I'll call you later, alright?" Normally Sasuke wouldn't have agreed, but the slight pleading note in his friend's voice made him change his mind.
"All right then." he responded quietly, dismounting and holding the horse by her reins. "Be careful, Ashura." he purposefully used Gohan's PowerName, accentuating what he said, "I don't want a hurt best friend." Ebony eyes dimming slightly, Gohan nodded his consent and in an unexpected gesture of affection reached forward and wrapped his arms around the older blonde for just a second then letting him go.
"Well, I'll see you, then." Gohan stated quietly, remounting Hitori and trotting off in the direction of Pallet town. Without a word, Sasuke flipped open his phone and dialed.
"Hey. Yeah, we're back. Yes, I understand. He's on his way. Hai, hai, I know. I'll wait for the next call, okay? Yes, I know. Hai, goodbye. Love you."
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"I'm back." Gohan called out, throat tightening in anxiety as he strode into the home he shared with Goku, Bulma, Vegeta, and the boys. "You guys here?"
Suddenly, a harsh backhand met his cheek, and startled, he staggered backward, eyes wide at the dark-haired man who was standing in the doorway.
"I told you." Goku growled, a strange light in his eyes, "I told you that you weren't allowed."
"You know I won't listen to you." the hybrid's voice was quiet but unwavering against his father, and he noticed the tinge of something that hadn't been there originally in his voice, Goku's voice sounded as if it weren't even his, like he was speaking from somewhere else. "I don't want to fight you. Father."
"Outside." the man growled, and blankly, knowing what was about to commence, and shoving all hesitation down to the back of his mind, Gohan followed him, knowing what had to happen. Without words, the two found themselves teleporting to some desecrated and deserted area, with no interruptions. Vaguely, Gohan wondered where everyone else was, but didn't comment.
For once, there was a mutual understanding.
"Is there any way that I can convince you not to bring things to this?" Gohan inquired, concentrating his ki over first his vital points; his heart, lungs, kidneys, brain, and liver; that should protect him at least a little bit. In response, Goku gave an almost primal and animalistic snarl and in turn fired off a few rapid-fire ki blasts that would have killed him otherwise. "Last chance. I refuse to hold back after this. Whatever comes next will come, and I won't back down."
No other reaction but a punch that he was forced to dodge, just as Goku shot right up into Super Saiyan.
"There's my answer, then."
Gohan was shocked at his own brutality after this statement, fighting back viciously and ruthlessly, unaware of the hits that were being laid on him and unaware of the blood he was spilling. His blood. Blood of the person who was supposed to care for him most. Firing up into Super Saiyan himself, Gohan launched a merciless assault, ignoring the sticky blood coming from both of them as he hit harder and harder and got hit in return.
Knowing that his pokemon would step in otherwise, he placed a barrier around a square ten thousand kilometers, giving them plenty of room. He knew full well that this day had been slow in coming but inevitable. The tension had only been building up, and Gohan knew that Goku wasn't himself, for lack of better words. The father he loved would have never treated him like this. Ever.
Gohan was surprised that he felt nothing of the fate that was in store.
Concentrating more of his ki into his hands just as Goku cracked him in the side of his head with a large fist, Gohan raised a hand.
"Masenko-ha." he murmured quietly and energy pooled in his palm; with a squeeze, it morphed into a shimmering blue sword. Silent, he bound the man with a psychic noose.
"You bastard. You bastard!" Goku shouted incoherently in rage, and Gohan felt waves of rage begin to fluctuate within him-NO! He had to keep it together; otherwise, he knew that he was going to die. Shaking, he forced them down to be dealt with later at a more opportune time, and pulled back his sword, emotionless and blissfully blank.
"Father, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you forced me into this. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you that you didn't deserve. I'm sorry that this is the way that you'll see me and think of me when you go and see mom. The one who killed you."
Unaware of the hot tears beginning to slip down his cheeks, Gohan raised the sword and plunged it down to the hilt, sending it straight through to the other side, hot, sticky blood welling up from the wound and around his hand that wedged halfway between his spine and his lungs. Time stood still.
In what felt like hours, Goku slumped over onto his son, who sank to the ground, stunned and completely shell-shocked with what he had just done.
Smiling weakly, Goku blinked up at Gohan, who held him in his arms and was beginning to sob quietly.
"I'm so sorry. I'M SORRY!"
"It's alright." the man stated, coughing up and spitting out a bit of crimson liquid, "I forgive you."
"How?" Gohan cried out, "How can you not hate me? I killed you! You bastard, I want you to hate me!"
There. He had said it.
"No. Gohan, no. Don't say that. What I should be saying is thank you. I hate what I've become, and if anyone.. Deserves to be hated… it's me. Thank you, for saving me." Goku's body began to flicker wildly, proof of his imminent passing. "I'm sorry, little one, for putting you through this. You don't deserve it."
"But-!"
"No. Hush. If you really want to do something for me, then tell me the one thing that's screaming to come out of your heart right this second. I want to hear it, be it that you hate me or anything else. Tell me what you feel."
Gohan sat there, stunned, the man's head held in his arms, before nodding and choking back the mix of vomit and tears that was threatening him. He had to be truthful.
"I love you."
"I love you."
"I love you."
"Daisuki."
Ebony eyes the same color as his widened, and the most blissfully happy expression came over Goku's features, as if he were reveling in the most beautiful dream he could imagine.
"Thank you."
And then he was gone.
The one named Son Goku faded from this world, never to return, and left nothing in his wake but a few toasted trees and his heartshattered child who was crying brokenly into his hands, letting down the barrier and allowing his pokemon close. But they didn't touch him.
Footsteps could be heard behind him and in a flurry of chirps the Tailow began to return to their nests.
And several seconds, strong arms were wrapping protectively around him and Gohan shied away from them but was pulled back gently, nestled against the person's chest.
"It's alright, bouya." Vegeta murmured gruffly, getting to his feet and scooping the boy up into his arms, "You'll be okay." This did nothing but promote another flood of tears, and, both beings knowing that Gohan was completely torn up, did nothing but offer what they could, Vegeta holding him just a little closer and Piccolo stroking his head in an effort to soothe him.
Both knew that there was no point in talking; he was too far-gone to take comfort in it at this point.
"Come on." Piccolo ordered, picking up Kira and Aoi, Pikachu and Hikaru leaping up onto his shoulders, "Let's get him home."
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Pain hurt blood screams tears blood darkness hate pain blood hurt black sword steel pain….
"Gohan? Gohan, please wake up, sweetheart."
Gohan knew that voice. He wasn't coherent enough to know whom it belonged to, but he knew it nevertheless.
"Am I dead?" he muttered, making an effort to pry his eyelids open and failing miserably. A cool, gentle hand rested on his forehead, smoothing back his long bangs.
"Not nearly. But you've been out for about two weeks." the voice told him, keeping her voice slow and clear, somehow knowing that his brain wasn't functioning at it's best right then. After several seconds Gohan finally got his eyes open and promptly blinked.
"Yumi?"
"In one, sweetie. Now be honest, how do you feel?"
"In one word? Shitty. To the max. I can't think, my head throbs, I can't move my limbs, and every bit of me hurts. Happy?" he inquired, sighing, then glanced around. "Where am I, anyway?" Yumi glanced at him concernedly.
"How could you tell?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the saiyan responded, petting a highly anxious Pikachu on the head to try and soothe her, "There's a window and I see nothing but gold puffy clouds, I can't feeling anyone I know close but you, you're here, you want more?"
"No, I think I'm good. But you're right; you're not on Earth. I brought you to the world of the Kais at the advice of Vegeta, Piccolo, and Sasuke. All three thought that it would be a good idea for you to be moved here for a time." Yumi told him, dabbing at his throbbing head with a washcloth, "And I agreed with them. So here you are. You're welcome to stay here as long as you wish, and with that pretty little pass of yours you're free to roam wherever you want. By all means, you can go back to Earth when you feel up to it if you want."
Gohan glanced to the wall, and then shook his head.
"I don't think I'm going anywhere for a while," he mused.
"Then you won't." the goddess stated, "The whole purpose of this is to help you recover, not make things worse."
"Good." Suddenly, Gohan's eyes fluttered shut and his head fell back against the pillow with a muffled thump. Yumi smiled at him, blue eyes holding affection for her friend.
"Good, indeed. Because I think, Son Gohan, that you will be stuck in this bed for a long while."
Semeta hitomi no oku de nikushimi o dakishimenagara
Jibuno urandemo itami wa kie wa shinai
Eien ni ikiru kanashimi o dakishimete
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Kieta kimi o omoistuzukeru koto shika dekinakute
Boku no kawaru koto no nai kimi e no omoi wa
Fukaku fukaku ima mo
Sou... Aishiteru.
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-FINITE-
Falcon: Oh my God, it's done! (sigh) You guys have no idea how hard this chapter was to write! Anyway, if you would, please answer these questions truthfully about this story, etc. It's always good to have new opinions! Anyway, thank you so much for reading this all the way though, I really appreciate it.
Also, I have decided that unless I get a grand total of 33 reviews on this fic, I will be exceptionally reluctant to post Black Oleander right away. (waggles finger) so please indulge this review whore and answer her vote questions, will you?
TRANSLATIONS: (Happy, Shadow?)
Boku no Fukishin-san: My confidant
Ryuuza: Dragon
Kimi: Your (masculine)
Hai: Yes
Ki: Life energy
Daisuki: I love you
Bouya: Kid, or boy.
Song:Inside of cold eyes that are embracing hatred/Even if you despise yourself the pain will not vanish/Embrace the eternal darkness.
I can only keep remembering you who disappeared/My unchanging feelingstowards you/Deeply deeply, even now/I love You.
VOTE QUESTIONS
What, in your opinion should be put in or included in Black Oleander?
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What do you think could be improved? (TheShadowPanther, don't you dare say translations!)
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1-10, what would you rate this story overall?
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1-10, how is my Japanese?
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Who is your favorite character?
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Who do you want to see more of?
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Who do you think needs more characterization?
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What sort of personality would you like to see Ashura show in the next segment of Partners?
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Do you want Gohan to meet his confidant in the end?
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Did this story bore you?
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Did it need more humor?
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How long, in your opinion, should Oleander be?
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Have you read my other stories?
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If so, did you like them?
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What emotions did this story inspire in you?
