Being a fan's fictitious account of the popular film character Dark Vader, whose exploits the author has reason to believe you are familiar with.
By Edmund Mann
About five years after his last battle with Dark Maul, Dark Vader bought Grandma Tarkin's ranch in Texas. Grandma Tarkin said he wanted to get out of the cattle business, and this was no surprise to Dark Vader as he always knew Grandma didn't have his heart in it.
Dark Vader was actually able to operate a fairly prosperous cattle ranch. Sure, the wife always complained that she wanted to have nice things like Bob Fett's wife, but he was able to tune her out. He always thought that Bob spent his money like a damn fool, anyway.
One night he was sitting out on the porch listening to the Astros game with his dog, Pete. That old radio of his had a mind of its own, and it was really acting up that night. Dark Vader shut it off and fumbled around for his guitar. He grabbed the old thing and started strumming and singing away:
"Home, home on the range
Wyar the deers and the anty-lope play
Wyar seldom is hard a discouragin' word
And the skies are not cloudy all day"
Always seemed to Dark Vader that Bob Fett would come around and spoil it when he was enjoying himself, and sure enough he showed up in time to disrupt his performance. He was wearing that flashy suit of his, with the helmet and all that. Dark Vader got rid of his years ago; that sort of thing just isn't practical for a rancher to wear around. Old Bob though, he never could get things like that through his damn fool head.
"Seen you bought Daisy a fine new dress, Bob," Dark Vader said as Bob unfastened his helmet and sat down on the chair next to him.
"Yep. Old lady givin' you hell fer it agin?" Bob asked as he slouched down and grabbed a beer from Dark Vader's cooler.
"Ain't that the way o' the world, though? Man cain't work hard enough ta please that thar woman, no siree!" Dark Vader said as he grabbed for the half-empty can of Budweiser resting by his foot.
Anyway, old Dark Vader and Bob Fett got to talking about the old days. Dark Vader talked mostly about how bad he whipped Dark Maul, and Bob listened patiently. These were stories he'd heard before: the time he beat Dark Maul in a surfing contest, the time he "whupped" for slandering him when he was running for the King of Mars, and all the rest. Bob Fett didn't have many stories of his own, and the ones he did all involved Dark Vader giving Dark Maul a good whipping.
When Bob Fett had drunk his fill, he put his helmet back on and told Dark Vader he'd see him tomorrow night. On his way off the porch he asked if Dark Vader knew who won the Astros game. Dark Vader fiddled around with his radio again, but he still couldn't get the game to come in.
"Oh well," Dark Vader said, "They probably lost it anyway."
"Yeah," Bob replied, "S'pose they did."
He headed back home. Dark Vader could see that Daisy was watching television over at Bob's place. He figured she was watching her shows, and that accounted for Bob dropping over. He never could tell with that guy, though.
"Where was I, Pete?" Dark Vader asked as he got his guitar ready.
"How often at night
wyar the heavens are bright
With the light of the glitterin'
stars
Have I stood thar amazed and asked as I gazed
If their
glory exceeds that of ours"
END
