Summary: Behold the depths of my inability to focus on one thing at a time. Parody. What if we discovered what really made the characters of the popular series "Naruto" tick? Well, I have decided to play little miss psychiatrist and explain all their phobias to you... oh, how disturbing this will be... "evil cackle" Oh, and fear the major OOC-ness! FEEEEAAAAR IT!

Disclaimer: No, I don't own the characters from Naruto, although sometimes I like to pretend I do...shut up! Don't criticize me! 'curls into little ball and hisses" fft-ffffft!

Chapter 1: Alektorophobia, the fear of chickens

Gai saw it, standing over by the corner of the house. He KNEW what it was doing, it wouldn't fool him, not the Great Beast of Konoha! These horrible creatures, trying to look sweet and innocent until they got close enough to gouge out your eyes! Yup, you guessed it! These terrible and formidable opponents just so happened to beeeeee...CHICKENS! OH THE HORROR/TERROR!

You maybe wondering why so simple an animal could be so deadly, but believe you me, these are not simple farm yard animals, like ducks or wolves. They are vicious, conniving little crap-sacks who would stop at nothing to take over the world! Yes, that was their plan, to take over the world! (dundundun) And of course, said plot would involve the crushing of the beautiful springtime that is youth! Yes, that's right, all the little kiddies were in grave danger when there were chickens around, and Gai would not stand for such a terrible thing.

Moving into his "nice guy" pose he offered the chicken a chance to escape. "For all that is pure and true, if you do not leave now, I'll show you no mercy, you terrible and feared destroyer of youth!"

The chicken made no move to leave, and the wonderful great green(1) beast of Konoha took that as a sign of a challenge.

"Prepare, beast, for your destruction!" Gai slipped into a defensive pose as he prepared to take down this horrible offense towards mankind.

Kakashi watched from the roof of the house right where Gai was waging his "epic" battle. "Fufufu" He chortled. this was great. He had only recently found out about Gai's intense hatred of chickens, and this little stunt was proving more amusing than he thought it would... Ahhhhh, he could just remember the day he discovered his rival's weakness...

(USELESS FLASHBACK)

Once upon a time, but not so very long ago, in a different time of course, not this one, but one very like it, in a place that was just like this, actually, in technical terms, it was six and a half blocks down the left alley way behind the flower shop that was exactly a two minute walk from Ichiraku's, the farthest bench to the right, no seriously, it looked just like the place you are standing right now,...or is it?...HA, you shall never know, for he was sitting at the time... well, you get the picture...Or do you?...

It was a warm sunny day, the birds were chirping, the dogs were barking, and the lepers were doing their happy-dances in the streets. In fact, it was just last Tuesday, and our dear Kakashi-sensei was off to visit Madame Yerganvonvittymeterschimten to have his fortune told. No, seriously, he was! I have the video tape to prove it... No! I swear to you that I am not stalking him...ok, so maybe just a little..

Anyway, he just so happened to catch sight of his hated rival, when suddenly, a poor lost little chicken wandered its way in between the two, most probably trying to find its way home before it was caught and then ruthlessly murdered for some sick bastard's disgusting enjoyment, and then ...EATEN! Oh, the terrors!...ok, so back onto the subject.

"Oh, vilest of creatures! How dare you try to corrupt the sweet innocence of youth!"...Was that man on crack? and where can I get some? Kakashi was quite a bit more than surprised at this outburst, even considering its source. He continued to watch as Gai challenged the chicken to a "death match", as he put it. Sometimes Kakashi was ashamed to call that man his rival..., ok, so maybe it was a bit more than "sometimes"...

Sadly enough, his death match ended in a draw and Gai solemnly vowed that one day he would rid the world of the evil of chickens...Kakashi seriously doubted that, though he did see a chance for an evil, evil plot... Thus the torture-that-freak-Gai-and-emotionally-scar-the-him-to-no-end plan was hatched. And he also found the coolest name for this plot that said all that could be said about this secret operation... well, you already know what it is soooo...

(END USELESS FLASHBACK)

Kakashi sat on the roof and watched the rematch between the two. Yet again, Gai was getting his ass handed to him by a chicken, and this provided endless mirth to all that watched. "Well, I've done my good deed for today!" He smirked. This was almost better than his icha icha porn he read everyday...almost. And speaking of porn, he really had to be going, for today the bookstores came out with the latest edition of Jiraya's novel. Kakashi giggled in anticipation of all the "fun" he would have tonight...

(To be continued... I think...)

Rants... well, I got the next chapter for this already typed, but I thought that I'd see whether or not anyone liked this before posting the next chapter...And seriously, all these phobias are real, I found a huge list at http: and it had a bunch of fun ones. But, seriously, tell me whether or not anyone wants to read another chapter, or if I should put this crap-sack out of its misery...please review...pleeeeeaaaaase!