Dispensible
Sometimes John doesn't think this job is worth it. It seems like a silly thought at night when he's home alone or in his office doing paperwork. This is the perfect job after all, just maybe not for him.
He has more then a few days in which he feels inadequate, stupid, weak, useless. That isn't what makes him want to leave. Truth be told, his co-workers are the ones he fears. It's not like him to show fear after all the messes he's been through with HB, for that he's grateful.
Everyday he tells himself he has nothing to fear. It's just the way they look at him sometimes. It can't be intentional - at least that's what he tells himself. He doesn't quite recognize what these looks represent. All he knows is that they scare him. Sometimes he doesn't know why he doesn't just ask for a transfer.
Then he takes HB his breakfast and is reminded.
Most days start out peacefully and escalate from there. He feels it's more Hellboy's fault then his own. He swears that somedays HB starts something just for the sake of seeing him out of breath, red in the face (looking like a cherry tomato he's sure) and defeated.
The strange thing is that Hellboy never makes him feel defeated for long. Maybe a bit miffed but never inferior. Not like others Meyers has met.
Hellboy makes John forget that he's just dispensible hired help. Pretty much useless for all intents and purposes. After all, how hard is it to dish up food? Any average person would be happy to do it for minimum wage. Sometimes he doesn't understand why they tolerate him.
Sometimes he doesn't understand why he tolerates them. Still, thinking logically John knows he will never leave this place until they throw him out.
How can he when he works with someone as amazing as Hellboy? It's not even the whole came-from-hell thing that gets him. It's Hellboy himself. John knows even if HB was a normal human he'd still be fascinated with him. He can't even begin to imagine what HB would look like as a human.
Hellboy is perfect just the way he is, in John's eyes.
John doesn't know why exactly but he isn't too fond of Liz these days. He supposes that it might be the rejection. Not that he hadn't been rejected before. In fact he had never not been rejected. Still...
Seeing them together 'Red and Liz'. It hurt him somehow, somewhere deep inside his chest that vaguely reminded him of his younger panic induced asthma attack days. He wouldn't dream of trying to tear them apart of course.
What kind of nut messes with a huge red demon's girlfriend? Not him...well, not recently. Besides, if HB is happy then he, John Meyers, is happy. It's really not that he's jealous. It just hurts to think about them together and he doesn't know why.
Sadly, in these moments John is again reminded how dispensible he is. Nobody here really needs him. Not really.
John is sure that in any other place he wouldn't recieve such uncomfortable looks either.Somehow his thoughts always circle back to the looks, the stares.
He doesn't like to think about them, it makes his skin crawl and gives him the vague urge to vomit. Sometimes, he's sure, he sees the same look in HB's eyes and he feels a bit weird, but not fearful. He quickly discards that last thought.
He focuses on the looks some of the other agents give him and shudders. He doesn't like thinking about them but the only alternative is thinking about Hellboy.
And somehow he knows that will only make him hurt worse.
