My Very Secret LiveJournal

by

Dobby

- - -

Season Two

1992-93

POST 1: Crawled out of bed.
Crept softly down the marble staircase
into the grand foyer.
Hid in the shadow of the stairs.
Listened…

Current Mood: Eavesdropping

Comment: McNair, it's about time you arrived.
Are you re
ady to talk about Uncle Voldie's Secret Plan?
- Lucius

Comment: Is anyone else here?
- McN
air

Comment: Just a house elf lying naked in my bed.
- Lucius

Comment: Good. Lucius, the Secret Plan is on schedule.
The Ch
amber of Secrets is about to be opened!
- McN
air

Comment: Ooh, I love opening secret chambers.
Especi
ally tight, smelly ones.
I me
an… good work, McNair!
- Lucius

Comment: But Lucius, Uncle Voldie never told me
what would happen once the Chamber is opened.
- McN
air

Comment: Isn't it obvious?
The Dark Lord will return!
The Second W
ar will begin!
The De
ath Eaters will take over the world!
- Lucius

Comment: Yeah, yeah, I know all that.
But
aren't you planning anything… saucy?
- McN
air

Comment: Of course. We're going to command a giant snake to
sh
ag all the Mudbloods!
- Lucius

Comment: That's it? There's nothing… saucier?
- McN
air

Comment: Well, we also plan to lure Harry Potter
down into the Ch
amber and deflower him.
- Lucius

Reply: I MUST PROTECT HARRY POTTER!
- Dobby

- - - - - - -

POST 2: Escaped from Malfoy Manor.
Apparated into Mr. Harry Potter's bedroom.
Climbed into Mr. Harry Potter's bed.
Got stuck to Mr. Harry Potter's bedsheets.
Oh no, he's climbing up the stairs…

Current Mood: Sticky

Comment: Er… hello.
- H
arry

Reply: Mr. Harry… THOSE EYES!
So long has Dobby wanted to meet… THAT BODY!
Since when did you turn sixteen?
I thought you were supposed to be twelve.
- Dobby (standing up, still stuck to the bedsheets)

Comment: Long story. Who the hell are you?
- H
arry

Reply: Dobby, sir. Dobby the house elf.
- Dobby

Comment: Why don't you sit down?
- H
arry

Reply: S-sit down? Dobby can't, sir…
Dobby's arse is too sore from servicing the Master!
- Dobby (wailing)

Comment: I'm sorry I asked…
- H
arry

Reply: That's why Dobby's stuck to your bedsheets, sir.
- Dobby (still wailing)

Comment: I'm really sorry I asked…
- H
arry

Reply: But Dobby promises to wash the sheets, sir,
once Dobby gets unstuck.
- Dobby

Comment: Umm… why don't you keep the bedsheets, Dobby.
Ye
ah, think of them as a gift from me to you.
- H
arry

Reply: A gift? Dobby has heard of your greatness, sir,
but of your goodness, Dobby never knew.
- Dobby (sobbing)

Comment: Dobby please… please be quiet.
- H
arry

Reply: Dobby's terribly sorry, sir.
It's just that… you asked me to sit down… like an equal.
And all my Master wants me to do is bend over!
- Dobby (sobbing hysterically)

Comment: Dobby… Dobby it's all right.
Oh my God, wh
at're you doing?
Don't shove my desk l
amp up your arse!
- H
arry

Reply: Dobby has to punish himself, sir.
Dobby almost spoke ill of his family.
- Dobby (shoving the lamp up his arse)

Comment: You mean you get fucked by an entire family?
Ple
ase tell me they don't know you're here.
- H
arry

Reply: Oh no sir, no…
Dobby will have to punish himself most grievously for coming to see you.
- Dobby (pulling out the lamp and grabbing Hedwig)

Comment: No Dobby! Put Hedwig down!
- H
arry

Comment: Put me down, you sick fuck!
- Hedwig

Reply: But Dobby's been bad! Bad Dobby, bad Dobby!
- Dobby (shoving Hedwig up his arse)

Comment: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Hedwig

- - - - - - -

POST 3: Mr. Harry Potter does not appreciate why
Dobby has to punish himself.
Neither does Mr. Harry Potter's owl.
I wonder why?

Current Mood: Concerned

Comment: Dobby, will you please remove my owl from your arse before she suffocates!
- H
arry

Reply: Oops.
- Dobby (unplugging Hedwig)

Comment: I NEED A FUCKING BATH! WITH BLEACH!
I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE, HARRY POTTER!
MARK MY WORDS!
- Hedwig

Comment: Er… why are you here, Dobby?
- H
arry (Ignoring Hedwig)

Reply: Dobby has come to protect Mr. Harry Potter, to warn him,
even if he does have to punish himself again.
- Dobby

Comment: OH, HELL NO!
- Hedwig

Reply: Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts school this year!
- Dobby

Comment: W-what? But I've got to go back – term starts on September first.
It's
all that's keeping me going. You don't know what it's like here.
I don't belong here. I belong in your world…
Hey, put th
at violin down! It's not funny!
- H
arry

Reply: Dobby is very sorry, sir.
It's just that Mr. Harry Potter is wallowing in self-pity,
so Dobby wanted to give him some musical accompaniment.
- Dobby (playing "Hearts and Flowers" on the violin)

Comment: Whatever. Dobby, there's no way that you're gonna convince me
not to return to Hogw
arts. I promised Ron I'd bone his semi-virgin arse…
- H
arry

Reply: No, no, no. Mr. Harry Potter won't be safe. There is a plot…
A sinister plot to take Mr. Harry Potter dry!
- Dobby

Comment: Been there, done that.
- H
arry

Reply: By a well endowed beast!
- Dobby

Comment: Been there, done that.
- H
arry

Reply: With the surname of Malfoy!
- Dobby

Comment: I didn't know Draco was a top. How interesting.
- H
arry

Reply: Harry Potter, please. You can't go back to Hogwarts.
You will lose your precious virginity!
- Dobby

Comment: Virginity? I'm not a virgin.
Between the troll
and the Potions Master, I'm still wearing Depends.
- H
arry

Reply: Nonsense. Mr. Harry Potter is sweet, innocent and pure.
- Dobby

Comment: But Mr. Harry Potter's arse isn't.
- Hedwig

Comment: Hey!
- Harry

- - - - - - -

POST 4: Dobby has been very very very bad.

Current Mood: Bad

Comment: Dobby? Dobby, what're you doing?
- H
arry

Reply: Dobby must be punished, sir.
Dobby' betrayed his Master's trust again.
Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!
- Dobby (banging his head against the wall)

Comment: Dobby please! You can't make this much noise!
C
an't you punish yourself quietly?
- H
arry

Reply: No. But yoooooooou can…
- Dobby

Comment: ME? WHAT?
- H
arry

Reply: Beat Dobby! Spank Dobby! Shame Dobby!
Dobby is very very bad!
- Dobby

Comment: WHAT!
- H
arry

Reply: Bad Dobby's very flexible, sir.
Bad Dobby can take it all!
- Dobby

Comment: NO!
- H
arry

Comment: You mean you have standards, Harry?
- Hedwig

Comment: Well, I do find Dobby strangely attractive, but not thatattractive!
- H
arry

Comment: But I thought you have a penis?
- Hedwig

Reply: Bad Dobby can take the whole penis, sir.
- Dobby

Comment: Hedwig, I am going to murder you.
- H
arry

Comment: I told you I would have my revenge.
- Hedwig

Reply: Bad Dobby's also into fisting, sir.
Bad Dobby can take both fists.
- Dobby

Comment: Oh dear God!
- H
arry and Hedwig

Reply: Bad Dobby also does a good sheep imitation, sir.
BAAAAAAAAAAA! BAAAAAAAAAAAA!
- Dobby

Comment: OH DEAR GOD!
- H
arry and Hedwig

- - - - - - -

POST 5: Mr. Harry Potter still wants to go back to Hogwarts School.
Dobby knows the perfect way to convince him to stay home.

Current Mood: Plotting

Comment: Dobby, I have to go back to Hogwarts. I want to be with my friends and fuck buddies.
- H
arry

Reply: Friends and fuck buddies who don't write to Harry Potter?
- Dobby

Comment: How do you know my friends and fuck buddies haven't been writing to me?
- H
arry

Reply: Mr. Harry Potter mustn't be angry with Dobby.
Dobby hoped… if Mr. Harry Potter thought his friends and fuck buddies
had forgotten him… he might not want to go back to school, sir.
- Dobby (removing a HUGE WAD of sticky letters from his grubby outfit)

Comment: Dobby, have you been stopping my mail?
- H
arry

Comment: Umm… duh.
- Hedwig

Comment: Give me those…
- Harry

Comment: Umm… d'you know where those letters have been?
- Hedwig

Comment: NOW!
- Harry (lunging at Dobby)

Reply: Mr. Harry Potter will have them, sir,
if he gives Dobby his word that he won't go back to Hogwarts.
- Dobby

Comment: No. Give me my friends letters!
(lunges at Dobby, misses him)
At le
ast give me the letters from my fuck buddies!
- H
arry

Reply: Then Mr. Harry Potter leaves Dobby no choice.
- Dobby

Comment: Don't shove the letters up your arse!
- H
arry

- - - - - - -

POST 6: Mr. Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts.
Mr. Harry Potter is planning to go back to Hogwarts.
Then Dobby must resort to Plan B.
Dobby must deflower Mr. Harry Potter so that the Master won't want his mangled arse.

Current Mood: Sprinting down the stairs and levitating Aunt Petunia's chocolate pudding

Comment: No… please… they'll kill me.
- H
arry

Reply: Mr. Harry Potter must say that he's not going back to Hogwarts.
- Dobby

Comment: I can't.
- H
arry

Reply: Then Dobby must do this, sir, for Mr. Harry Potter's own good.
- Dobby (transfiguring the pudding into a giant chocolate dildo
and sending it barreling towards Harry's arse)

Comment: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- H
arry

- - - - - - -

POST 7: Looked in Encyclopedia of Carnal Delights.
Discovered that being deflowered by a giant chocolate pudding sex toy
does not constitute a loss of virginity.
Damn…

Current Mood: Crushed

Comment: Dobby, can I borrow your chocolate pudding sex toy?
- Fred

Comment: You dirty whore! You're cheating on me!
- George

Comment: I thought sex toys don't count.
- Fred

Comment: They do when they're that big.
- George

Comment: How would you know how big it is?
- Fred

Comment: Er… no reason.
- George

Comment: George…
- Fred

- - - - - - -

POST 8: Dobby must stop Mr. Harry Potter from going back to Hogwarts School.
Dobby will seal up the portal at Platform Nine and Three-quarters
so that Mr. Harry Potter will get a head injury crashing into it.
It's the only way to keep Harry Potter safe from harm…

Current Mood: Plotting

Comment: OWWWWWW! MY HEAD!
THAT FUCKING HURT!
- H
arry (crashing into the sealed platform)

Comment: BLOODY HELL!
WE'RE GOING TO MISS THE TRAIN!
- Ron

Reply: Hee hee hee… Good Dobby, good Dobby.
- Dobby

Comment: What're we gonna do now?
- H
arry

Comment: Well, we could shag in the back seat of my parent's car.
- Ron

Comment: THE CAR!
- Harry and Hedwig

Reply: Oh fuck!
- Dobby

- - - - - - -

POST 9: Dobby has failed again…
Dobby must punish himself unless Dobby comes up with another brilliant plan.
That's it! Dobby must deflower Mr. Harry Potter with a rogue bludger!

Current Mood: Still scheming

Comment: Why are we playing Quidditch with a rogue bludger?
- H
arry

Comment: Don't ask silly questions, Potter.
The rogue bludger will distr
act attention while I hit on Minerva.
- M
adam Hooch

Comment: Ha ha, I'm gonna beat Potter to the golden snitch!
- Dr
aco

Comment: Look out, Draco! The bludger's gonna take you dry!
- H
arry

Comment: NO, I PROMISED I'D SAVE MY VIRGINITY FOR…
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Draco (getting impaled by the rogue bludger)

Comment: THAT'S GOTTA HURT!
- Entire Audience

Reply: Dammit! I didn't tell the bludger which virgin seeker to deflower!
The brunette! You're supposed to shag the brunette!
- Dobby

Comment: But he's not a virgin.
- Bludger

Reply: Nonsense. Mr. Harry Potter is sweet, innocent and pure.
- Dobby

Comment: Whatever.
- Bludger

Comment: Hermione, the bludger plunging towards Harry's arse,
and he's completely oblivious!
- Ron

Comment: Let me handle this.
STOP MR. BLUDGER! I WILL CURSE YOU IF YOU EVEN ATTEMPT!
- Hermione

Comment: Yeah. Whatever, bitch.
- Bludger

Comment: Yay, I caught the golden snitch… again!
And this time I didn't sw
allow it!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
- H
arry (getting plugged by the rogue bludger)

Comment: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- Hermione

Comment: HE CAN TAKE THE WHOLE BLUDGER?
- Entire Audience

- - - - - - -

POST 10: Reread the Encyclopedia of Carnal Delights.
Unfortunately, being plugged by a rogue bludger does not
constitute a loss of virginity.
Double damn.

Current Mood: Devastated

Comment: Dobby!
- H
arry (recovering in the Infirmary)

Reply: Mr. Harry Potter came back to school.
He should have heeded Dobby's warning.
Why didn't Harry Potter go home after he missed the train?
- Dobby

Comment: How d'you know I missed the train?
- H
arry

Comment: Umm… isn't it bloody obvious?
- Hedwig

Comment: It was you! You stopped the barrier from letting us through.
- H
arry

Comment: Shocker.
- Hedwig

Reply: Indeed yes, sir. And Dobby was so stunned when
Mr. Harry Potter found another way to Hogwarts that he let his Master's dinner burn.
Such a fucking Dobby never had, sir.
- Dobby

Comment: You nearly got Ron and me expelled, you idiot…
- H
arry

Reply: Dobby's used to name calling, sir.
Master calls Dobby names five times a day.
He especially likes calling me Goldilocks, Robin,
and Felicia the Skanky Ewe.
- Dobby

Comment: Felicia?
- Hedwig

Reply: BAAAAAA!
- Dobby

Comment: OH DEAR GOD!
- H
arry

Reply: (blows his nose on his filthy pillowcase outfit)
- Dobby

Comment: Dobby, why d'you wear such a thing?
- H
arry

Reply: It's my Master's cum rag.
Tis a mark of the house elf's enslavement, sir.
Dobby can only be freed if his Master presents him with new clothes.
- Dobby

Comment: The horror! The horror!
- Hedwig

Reply: Harry Potter must go home.
Dobby thought his bludger was enough to…
- Dobby

Comment: Your bludger! What d'you mean, your bludger?
- H
arry

Comment: (whacks head against cage repeatedly)
- Hedwig

Comment: You made that bludger try and kill me?
- H
arry

Reply: Not kill you, sir, never kill you.
Dobby wanted the bludger to deflower you!
- Dobby

Comment: BUT I'M NOT A VIRGIN!
- H
arry

Reply: Nonsense, Mr. Harry Potter has never been plucked.
- Dobby

Comment: Well, he sure as hell has been fucked.
- Hedwig

Comment: HEDWIG!
- Harry

Reply: You must understand.
Dobby wanted to save Mr. Harry Potter's virgin arse.
Better to be sent home, impaled by a rogue bludger,
than to remain here, sir.
- Dobby

Comment: DOBBY, THANKS TO YOU, I HAVE NO FEELING LEFT IN MY CHEEKS!
- H
arry

Comment: Actually, I think you should thank the anesthetic
Poppy used when she h
ad to extract the bludger… remember?
- Hedwig

Comment: Whatever.
- H
arry

- - - - - - -

POST 11: Mr. Harry Potter saved the Wizarding World… again!
Mr. Harry Potter didn't get deflowered in the Chamber of Secrets.
The Master is quite annoyed that he didn't get to pluck The Boy Who Lived.
The Master thinks I warned him.
But it turns out that Mr. Harry Potter wasn't a virgin after all!

Current Mood: Pleasantly surprised

Comment: I'll deal with you later, Felicia.
- Lucius

Reply: Baaaaaa…
- Dobby

Comment: Wait, Mr. Malfoy, I have something that belongs to you.
- H
arry (handing Lucius a sock)

Comment: What the fuck is this?
(flinging the sock aside)
Come, Dobby. I s
aid come.
- Lucius

Reply: Not anymore. Master gave Dobby a sock.
- Dobby

Comment: WHAT?
- Lucius

Reply: Master threw it and Dobby caught it.
Dobby is free!
- Dobby

Comment: You lost me my catamite, Potter!
- Lucius
(drawing his wand)

Comment: I cannot believe you referred to that thing as your catamite.
- Hedwig

Reply: You shall not harm Harry Potter!
- Dobby (ignoring Hedwig)

Comment: Avada Ked… AHHHHHHHHHH!
- Lucius
(getting whacked in the head with the sock)

Reply: Now get out of here before I whack you with my grubby outfit…
- Dobby

Comment: Oh shit!
- Lucius
(hurrying out of sight)

Reply: Harry Potter freed Dobby!
Harry Potter set Dobby free!
- Dobby

Comment: Dobby, just make me one promise.
Never try to s
ave my arse again.
- H
arry

Reply: (hugging Harry)
- Dobby

Comment: Awwwwwwww… this is so… touching.
- Hedwig
(tearing up)

Comment: Oh Dobby…
- Lucius

Reply: What're you doing back here?
You're not adhering to canon.
- Dobby

Comment: I just realized that my forehead's sticky.
- Lucius

Reply: Huh?
- Dobby, Harry and Hedwig

Comment: The sock you whacked me with was full of manjuice.
Th
at was a used sock! You're still my little catamite!
- Lucius

Reply: (glares at Harry)
- Dobby and Hedwig

Comment: Sorry, Dobby… I'm a growing boy.
- H
arry (blushing)

Reply: Mr. Harry Potter soiled Dobby's sock.
Dobby isn't free.
- Dobby

Comment: C'mon, Dobby. Think on the bright side.
Tonight you might even get to pl
ay… Robin!
- Lucius

Reply: Do I get to say, "What are you putting in my arse, Batman"?
- Dobby

Comment: Maaaaaybe.
- Lucius

Comment: Oh dear God!
- H
arry and Hedwig

Reply: How about, "Holy guacamole Batman, that's a big enchilada"?
- Dobby

Comment: Yeeeeeeeees.
- Lucius

Comment: OH DEAR GOD!
- Harry and Hedwig


Looking for more? Here are excerpts from a future posting of The Very Secret LiveJournals!

Uncle Vernon

POST: Invited the Masons over for dinner.
With any luck, this will be the most important deal of my career.
And there's no way that Potter boy will ruin it for me!

Current Mood: Determined

Comment: BAAAAAAAAAAA! BAAAAAAAAAAAA!
- Dobby

Reply: I'm sorry for the noises upstairs, Mrs. Mason.
Dudley must have left his television on the Discovery Channel…
I'd better go up and check.
(climbing up the stairs and opening the bedroom door)
What – the – devil – are - you – doing, boy?
- Uncle Vernon

Comment: Nothing…
- H
arry

Comment: (bats eyes innocently)
- Hedwig

Comment: (hides in closet)
- Dobby

Reply: When did you turn your bloody pigeon brown?
I thought she was white?
- Uncle Vernon

Comment: She was…
- H
arry

Comment: (bats eyes innocently)
- Hedwig

Comment: (hides in closet)
- Dobby

Reply: Silence. One more sound out of you or that filthy pigeon and
you'll wish you've never been born, boy.
- Uncle Vernon

Comment: Hoot! Hoot!
- Hedwig

Comment: Baaaaaa!
- Dobby

Reply: WHAT?
- Uncle Vernon

Comment:
(bats eyes innocently)
- Hedwig

Comment: (hides in closet)
- Dobby

- - - - - - -

Gilderoy Lockhart

POST: I'm so pretty. Oh so pretty.
I'm so pretty, and witty, and GAY!

Current Mood: Singing

Comment: I didn't know you were a homosexual.
- Albus

Comment: Umm… duh.
- Hedwig

Comment: (faints)
- Molly We
asley

Reply: Nonsense, I am very straight.
- Gilderoy (flashing his signature smile)

Comment: Really?
- Molly
(recovering)

Comment: Oh pleases, Mum, he's a raunchy pig bottom.
- Ginny

Comment: (faints again)
- Molly

Reply: I am NOT a homosexual!
- Gilderoy

Comment: Aww… isn't that just adorable? He's in the closet.
- Millicent

Comment: (faints)
- L
avender

Comment: Perhaps I should offer him some of my special Vaseline potion?
- Severus

Comment: Maybe he'd like some Crabbe-meat?
- Cr
abbe

Comment: (faints)
- Poppy

Reply: I don't believe this. I am not a flaming poof!
- Gilderoy

Comment: Oh really, then our last detention meant nothing to you.
- Fred

Comment: You dirty bastard!
You're che
ating on me… AGAIN!
- George

Reply: That was just a fluke… really.
- Gilderoy

Comment: And what about our detention?
W
as that a fluke… too?
- Wood (winking
at Gilderoy)

Reply: Oh, yeah. That, too…
- Gilderoy

Comment: (faints)
- Sibyll

Reply: But I can't be gay. All the women adore me.
- Gilderoy

Comment: It's the curse of the pink wand. They love all us closet cases.
- Dr
aco

Comment: You're gay, too?
- P
ansy

Comment: (walks away whistling)
- Dr
aco

Comment: Oh for heaven's sake, why are all the blokes gay?
- Hermione

Comment: Because this is HP slash fanfiction.
All of the guys
are gay except Filch and Hagrid… 'cause that's just nasty.
- H
arry

Comment: What are you talking about? Master Filch porks me every night.
- H
agrid

Comment: WHAT? YOU UNFAITHFUL WHORE!
- Fang

Comment: (faints)
- Everyone
at Hogwarts


Author notes: Hello again. Well, I have completed Dobby's Very Secret LiveJournals, and now it's time to parody the rest of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!

Which LiveJournal should I write next? Ginny? Draco? Ron?

PLEASE REVIEW!

PS: If you would like to receive updates on this fic, please add me to your Author Alerts.