Nakedness is often seen but never looked at. And the humanoid crew that was currently locked in the port side bathroom of Starbug XX was learning this very rapidly. The only one who wasn't glancing embarrassedly around every few seconds was Kryten, and that was because the steam from the shower was fogging up his opticals. The only thing more unnerving to the Cat, Lister and Kochanski than their baffling nudity was watching Kryten turn on his eyeball wipers.
The Cat was of two minds on the whole situation. On the one hand, he was locked in a steamy room with two beautiful, naked women. Oh, sure, one of them was Lister, but he could ignore that for the moment. On the other hand, he was definitely not dressed properly! Terry cloth all over! This just wouldn't do. He had tried scrounging in the medicine cabinet for something to go with the impromptu loincloth, but all he'd found was some mint green dental floss, and that sure as hell didn't match the sky blue of the towel. He'd just have to suffer through a little while longer. Although he'd had a Scarlet O'Hara moment with the shower curtain, which had been firmly vetoed by Lister and Kochanski on the grounds that clear plastic wasn't good for modesty. In vain had he pointed out that the little green frogs painted on it could be used in a very strategic manner. This had sent Kochanski into a giggle fit, while Lister blushed and just shook his head.
"I'm hungry."
"God, me too. But all we've got is the Listerine."
"Well, that's good for you, monkey, but unless you find some Catsterine in there too, I'm gonna starve!"
"Mouthwash. Listerine is a mouthwash, you doink."
Kochanski giggled. "Doesn't this have a lot of alcohol in it? We could get snockered while smelling minty fresh."
"I think you've had enough, Kriss." He gently took the bottle away from her, and put it back in the medicine cabinet. "I think we've all had enough!"
"Temper temper, Dave."
Lister, who was already on the edge of exhaustion and annoyance, shot Kochanski a nasty look. "Temper, she says! Temper! I'm stuck as a woman, almost totally naked in a bathroom and hungry! Tell me exactly how I'm supposed to keep my temper? Huh? Please, Kris, I'm quite curious and wish to sign up for the pamphlet!"
Following this outburst, Kochanski, the Cat and Kryten all raised their eyebrows. Or, rather, Kryten raised the section of his forehead that should have had eyebrows.
Kochanski said, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were premenstrual."
"Oh smeg. Smeg! Is that why my guts feel like they're tied in little knots and my ankles have swole up to twice their normal size? And is that why I have this weird craving for cottage cheese? I mean, I normally can't stand cottage cheese. It's revolting. It's all lumpy and watery and tasteless, and yet right now I'd happily tear off my arm for a pot!"
Kochanski nodded. "The food cravings and mood swings have begun. I give you... hm... forty eight hours on the outside."
Lister pursed his lips and flared his nostrils. On Hippolyta's face, this gave off the distinct impression of impending violence. The strange, erratic tic in his cheek didn't help matters.
"You do this every month, Kris? How in the smeg do women do it? And not go totally insane?"
Kryten spoke up for the first time and said, "I'd venture to argue that point, Mr. Lister."
Kochanski narrowed her eyes at the mechanoid. Then she laid a tender hand on Lister's knee. "We manage. Oh, sure, we get emotional and snarky and cry at inopportune moments, and occasionally we shout rude words for no apparent reason, but other than that, we manage just fine."
"Except for the Oopsie Incident," sniffed Kryten.
"Kryten, if you bring that up one more time, I'm going to weld your nonexistent lips to your laughingly lacking ears."
"Ok, now I gotta know. What's the Oopsie Incident?" The Cat was laid back against the side of the tub, running a lazy finger against the inside of the shower door, doodling in the steam.
"Nothing!" said Kochanski quickly. "It was nothing!"
"It wasn't nothing, ma'am! It was hideously, terribly embarrassing! I thought that my behavior protocol chip was going to melt in sheer, cringing humiliation for you!"
Lister's eyes got wide, and he leaned forward. "Ok, this I've got to hear."
"Dave," said Kochanski sweetly, "are you wanting me to strangle you with the dental floss? Because you're strolling down that path, dear."
"It was terrible, Mr. Lister. One evening, I'd gotten the laundry from Miss Kochanski's quarters, as per usual. Now, I normally sort all the laundry..."
"Yeah, yeah..." egged on Lister, ignoring Kochanski's crossed arms and deep sighs.
"But on this day, I admit was distracted. We'd only just escaped from Red Dwarf, and I was still processing the data. Gun battles cause me to lag something terrible."
"Kryten..." moaned Kochanski, knowing what was coming.
"So I put all of Miss Kochanski's clothes into the dryer, without... oh I hesitate to say it..."
"Don't hesitate, Krytes! Onward!"
"Oh... it was awful... In one of Miss Kochanski's trouser pockets was... a pen!" squeaked Kryten.
Silence greeted this revelation. "A pen. You mean that this entire story was about a pen in the pocket?" Lister looked disgusted. "I fail to see how that's embarrassing for Krissy."
"Well, it leaked all over the inside of the dryer! Have you ever had to clean ink off of the interior of a tumble dry? It's very difficult! If I'd not had my OxyCleen, I'd be there still!"
Kochanski was staring open mouthed at the mechanoid. "My pen? You mean you've been holding that over my head for months, and it was about my pen?!" She looked as if she were about to cry from giddy relief.
"Well, Miss Kochanski, I'd thought that you'd not want Lister to know that the ink had gotten all over your new peephole bra, too. You were so upset that you started laughing!"
More silence. The Cat had a strange look on his face, which could best be described as a thousand yard stare, usually found on a man who'd seen too much in one lifetime. Except the Cat was looking straight down the barrel of the Frederick's of Hollywood catalogue. Lister was also staring straight ahead, mouth open. Finally he rasped out, "You told me you lost it."
Kochanski blushed crimson. "I really, really hate you, Kryten."
Starbug rocketed onward, propelled by the combined wills of a total smeghead and a mysterious asian girl who was snuggling up with the smeghead's brain pan.
~You really should do some tidying up in here, Rimmer. I'm ankle deep in neurosis.~
~Forgive me,~ snotted Rimmer. ~If I'd known that I was going to have a guest in, I would have thrown a few doilies over my cortex.~
They faced each other across a windswept plain, dark clouds boiling overhead. A small portion of their shared attention was piloting the 'Bug, but the rest of their time was spent circling each other mentally. Like two dogs eyeing the same bone, they were raising emotional hackles and baring telepathic teeth. Rimmer was not entirely sure where these images were coming from; himself, or Bai. She could be tossing this out to unnerve him, put him out of sorts and off balance. For what reason, though, he didn't know. On the other hand, it could very well be his own mind pulling up this darksome plain. A natural defense against invasion? Or lurking self-esteem issues? You be the judge.
Bai was trying to lounge casually against a jagged rock, and failing miserably. She looked mightily annoyed at the universe in general, and at Rimmer in particular. Shooting a glance at the rock she was supporting herself on, it slowly and creakingly metamorphosed into a bright pink papasan wicker chair. This was obviously not the result she had intended, as the look on her face suggested. She kicked it, and then sat down in it, very carefully.
"Of all the people I've ever met, Arnold Judas Rimmer, you are, without a doubt, the easiest, and yet at the same time, most difficult mind I've ever cracked."
"Do this often, do you? Rabbiting about in a man's innermost, rummaging through the sock drawer of the mind? Well, I'll have you know that the only reason I'm putting up with you is so I can get Hippolyta back. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, girly."
"I hold no illusions about your motivations, Strong as an Eagle."
"Stop calling me that!"
"What would you prefer? Tiger? Schmoopsy? Button Butt? I'm closer to you than any wife could ever hope to be." She wriggled uncomfortably in her bowl shaped chair, which was slowly becoming less pink and becoming more and more granite-y themed. "And stop fighting me!"
"I am not!"
"You are too!"
"I am not!"
Bai rolled her eyes, then yelped as her chair jutted into the small of her back quite painfully. The chair had completed its circle, and was once again a rock. She kicked it again, which had the effect of turning it into a small blue pineapple.
"See? Look, you want your ship to keep working, don't you?"
Inside the bathroom, the trapped members of the crew shrieked as the lights went out and the floor decided it wanted to spend a moment at a forty-five degree angle.
"Stop that!"
The ship righted itself and the lights came back on, to reveal a very odd picture indeed. The shower had miraculously stayed on, soaking the entire party. The Cat was laying on top of Kochanski, whose towel had chosen that exact moment to flip up, revealing far too much of her finely toned thighs. The Cat looked down at Kochanski, then back up. His eyes crossed, and he slowly fell to one side, grinning all the way. Lister, meanwhile, was spread eagled underneath Kryten, and looking considerably miffed at where the groinal attachment socket was currently positioned.
"Then quit trying to get me out of your brain!"
"I tell you that I'm not! I don't know why, but you're getting me to Hippolyta faster than I could do on my own. And, contrary to popular opinion, I really do accept help when and where it is offered. It's just that usually my benefactors don't try to take over my thought processes in the meantime. Oh, they'll beat me up and steal my wallet, sure. And once I was conned out of a thousand dollarpounds by the pigeon drop scam... but that's not the point! The point is that, as much as it annoys me to have you here, you're helping me, and I'm not trying to fight you!"
Bai regarded him stonily for a moment, and then said, "You'd try to argue your way out of being tops in the National Arguing Championship, wouldn't you? Just to prove your point."
Rimmer breathed slowly out of distended nostrils, his lips pursed in disgust. "Fine. Ok. I give you complete control over all of this!" He swept his arms in a large circle to indicate the entirety of the gruesome landscape they were on. Then he dropped a deep and ironic bow. "It's yours, oh Queen of the May, for all the smegging good it'll do you." He turned away from her and crossed his arms.
Bai rolled her eyes again. Time for a change of tactics. She insinuated her petite form against his back and said, "You know, if you'd just let me in a little bit further, I could send you to paradise and back. I could show you things that no man has ever seen, experience things that would straighten your hair. I could ride you like a horse and bring you to heel like a dog and you'd beg for more."
At the edge of his vision, beyond the range of his ears, he could sense the delights and pleasures that Bai was hinting at. The sort of lifestyle that he'd been lusting after since he'd been old enough to fantasize about it. Beautiful women, fast cars, command of a space corps ship... Happiness, presented to him on a silver platter, for the rest of his life. Respect, dignity, admiration, all his, all... phony.
He was enough of a man at that point to shudder. Not to say he wasn't tempted... but every moment, he knew he would rebel. His brain just couldn't help but imagine a bad outcome to any situation. Lister had once told him about how the hologrammatic Rimmer had spoiled the total immersion game Better Than Life in much the same manner. And then, on top of it all, there was Hippolyta.
Aside from their petty squabbling, (oh, yes, so petty to chuck a book at her head, you gimboid) she'd been the best influence in his life to date. Of course they weren't a perfect couple, but then who was in this imperfect universe? He closed his eyes and thought of her, how she looked, her voice, her scent, the feel of her naked body...
"Oh, nice. Yes, puerile fantasies for the emotionally stunted. Grow up, Rimmer."
Rimmer opened his eyes, intending to punch Bai right in the nose if he could. (He'd never hit a lady, but Bai was no lady, that was for smegging sure...) But instead of the hated form of Bai, he saw Hippolyta standing there, wearing Bai's oriental type costume of silk and flat shoes. Her hair was in a single braid down her back, which was odd, because Hippolyta always wore her hair loose. But it was undeniably her, right down to the way she cocked her eyebrow at him.
He knew, intellectually, that this was Bai putting on an act. Viscerally was a different story. He'd gone these last weeks subtly getting used to the idea that Hippolyta was now a man. Repeated exposure had kind of dulled his reactions. So seeing her now, restored to her former self, really gave him quite a jolt.
"This is why I say you're such a gimp. Look at you. Putting your lover's face on me!"
Rimmer opened his mouth, wanting to say something clever. What came out was, "I'm doing this?"
"Of course you are. This is your mind, you twit. This," now she swept her arms around to indicate the landscape, "is all your mind!"
"You're lying," said Rimmer, casually astonished that he somehow knew that. "You're just trying to screw me up." This wasn't his mind, this wasn't his dream, this wasn't a natural defense. He knew he had to catch her out on this, somehow. He had to get her to admit that she was projecting this. But how?
Bai rolled her eyes. She really was quite good at that. "Rimmer, there isn't a soul in this universe who could screw you up any better than you already do yourself." She looked down at her superimposed body. "My God. American women have such unwieldy breasts. I feel like a milch cow." She cupped her hands to the aforementioned breasts. "It's amazing she doesn't just fall over, being so top heavy. Although her large rear does serve as a counter balance, I suppose."
"Stop that."
Bai smirked, oozing what she thought was charm. "Ah, a chink in the armor?"
And then he knew how. There were a large range of emotions that he'd mastered, from cowering fear to apoplectic rage. And, knowing what he did of Bai, fear wasn't the way to go. "What, you? That's a rather racist way to refer to yourself, isn't it?"
Bai looked infuriated at this last, turning a lovely red. "You bastard. How dare you..." The winds grew more turbulent, and now lightning arced across the sky. Her borrowed image flickered for a moment, and Rimmer could almost, almost see a terribly ancient and wrinkled... thing hiding out underneath it. She was losing all control.
Rimmer smirked. "Gotcha."
Bai returned to her normal self, and the inclement weather instantly granted itself clemency. There was even a rainbow starting over to the left. She looked amused, impressed, and terribly angry all in one go. "Well done you. But it changes nothing."
"Wrong. It changes everything. You're along for the ride now, m'lassie." Rimmer adopted a pose of smug triumph. "I hope you like telegraph poles and Morris dancing, because you're about to get the full on guided tour."
Bai's eyes widened. "You wouldn't."
"Watch me." As he said this, they were no longer standing on a dark plain, but were now milling about in a crowded convention hall, surrounded on all sides by leiderhosen, ribbon and people with bells on their knees. Rimmer was also in costume, and was even holding a pair of white cotton handkerchiefs. "Maaaaarvelous. This is going to be... fun!"
Their towels were soaked, so getting dry was a problem. Fortunately, they were all already sweating, so the water was just adding to an already impressive sheen of wet, and it had the bonus effect of somewhat negating the smell. The Cat was frantically trying to smooth down his hair, which had started to go all frizzy.
"BeeBee, can't we shut the water off now? I'm so hot that you could fry an egg on me! Hell, you could toss on a sausage, it'd be done in two minutes! I'm so hot I'm like the entire squad of Dallas Cowboy's cheerleaders! And believe me, they were HOT! I'm so hot that I'm hotter than my normally hot, delicious self!"
Kochanski shrugged. "No, we can't. We'd freeze faster now that we're all wet."
"And whose bright idea was it to turn on the shower in the first place?"
Kochanski, being a woman herself and knowing exactly what it was Lister was going through, was still right peeved that he was speaking to her like that. Hormones or not. These were the sort of words that brought on vicious slaps and hair pullings in her teenage days. "Dave?"
"What?"
"Shut, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, UP."
Lister pouted. "I can't take this any more! We've got to get out of here, get some clothes, some food! Kryten!"
"Yeeee-sssir?" Kryten wasn't doing well at all. The prolonged exposure to the steam and the liberal soaking had started to short out his circuits. Condensation on the interior of his head and hands was showing, making his face sag and melt in small patches. He rather looked like a bad special effect in a low budget music video. You know the kind. The kind where the lead guitarist wears black nail varnish and bites the heads off small furry animals. Kryten's condition wasn't irreversible, but it was rather uncomfortable. He'd managed, thankfully, to set up some auxiliary neural pathways, to maneuver around the worst of the damp. But even those were beginning to break down. He could feel himself getting stupider. If he didn't get out of the steam soon, he may very well become... shudder to think it... a literary critic.
Lister, however, was too keyed up to notice this irrelevant detail. "Break the door down!"
Kryten was too bogged down, literally, to argue against this command. With some difficulty, he gained his feet. Then, quite unhelpfully, his knee joints gave way in a screech of rust and he collapsed to the deck, his lower legs disattaching themselves and pin wheeling away.
"I'm So-oo-o-ree sirrrr. I ap-ap-appear to have lo-lo-st my feet. I'll try a-ga-in."
"No need, Kryten! No need!" said Lister, ashamed that he'd not noticed the mech's difficulties. He slumped back down and retrieved Kryten's legs. "Smeg. That does it. How else are we going to get out of here?"
"I wonder..." mused Kochanski, who started rummaging around under the sink. A moment later, a muffled, "Ah-HAH!" was heard. She emerged from under the sink holding aloft...
"A bobby pin? You've been reading too many Nancy Drew novels, Kris."
"It's not for the door lock, Lister. It's for the override panel. The automatic doors are designed to open when there's a broken circuit. Keeps people from getting trapped in an emergency. Well, an emergency when the power's still on, at any rate." She crossed to a small panel near the door and swung it open, and began to fiddle with it.
"So that's why they moved the override panels to inside the bathroom? To keep out any practical jokers?"
Kochanski nodded. "You wouldn't believe how many times an unpopular crew mate got caught out by some wit sticking a paper clip in the override."
"I know, I used to do it to Rimmer. I could sell tickets! It really cheesed me off when they got moved. Lost out on a lot of beer money."
Kochanski glanced at Lister sideways. Then, with a satisfying fizzle, the door whooshed open. "Gotcha."
"So why didn't you think of that sooner?"
Kochanski flashed a brittle smile and snapped, "Because I was stuck naked in a bathroom and hungry! Any more stupid questions?"
Bai, who was currently huddled in a fetal position on the floor, moaning softly to herself, surrounded by Morris dancers and people writing down their dice rolls in their Risk diaries, suddenly froze and then glanced upwards.
"Shit," she muttered.
Lister reached over and shut off the shower. "Ok. Here's what we do. First priority is clothes."
"Oh my Cloister. I never thought I'd see the day!" The Cat grabbed Lister in a deep hug. "Thank you. Thank you!"
Lister shrugged the Cat away. "Knock it off. Second priority is getting Kryten up and about again. We'll leave him here for now, then come back and fix him after we're... decent." Kochanski nodded, smirking. "Then food. THEN we get into the cockpit somehow and give Rimmer a nice introduction to my friend, Mr. Socket Wrench."
"Yeah. And if he's with that penguin again, I'm going to make him wish he'd never heard the word gingham."
Kochanski looked perplexed, but she decided to let this odd remark go. She turned to the Cat. "Dress quickly."
"And rush a work of art? BeeBee, you don't know what you're asking!"
"Quickly, she said," interjected Lister. "Any longer than ten minutes and you'll meet Mr. Wrench too. All right. Go!" They ran to their respective quarters.
"We've got a problem, Rimmer."
Rimmer looked down from the small stage he was on. He was surrounded by fellow dancers, in a circle, and they were in the middle of a very tricky step which somehow involved broomsticks. His attention distracted, Rimmer missed the step, which caused the rest of the dancers to stumble, then fall. Then they vanished.
"Stop that. Or I'll bring out my Hammond Organ CDs."
"If you'd pay attention, you'd notice that our little friends in the bathroom have escaped, and are quite intent on breaking down the door to the cockpit and beating you senseless."
The convention hall vanished, and they were left in a fog of gray. Rimmer felt a small, cold stone of fear suddenly settle in his stomach. They would ruin everything! They would, unwittingly, stop him from getting Hippolyta back. He had to get them back in their cage...
Cage? This wasn't him. He realized that Bai was putting this in his mind again.
"Good. Let them come. Then maybe I'll get a break from you. You can't get into my head when it's been beaten unconscious, can you?"
"I'll do it myself!" she screamed. She turned to run away, but Rimmer grabbed her wrist and spun her back to him. It was the first time he'd voluntarily touched her. Jerking her up close, he snarled into her face.
"You can't do it yourself. You have to get me to do it. You need me to focus your power. And that isn't happening, not in a month of Ioian Saturdays."
She actually looked a little afraid of him for a moment. Then she regained her composure and said, "You're right. I do need a focus. But it doesn't have to be you..."
Kochanski was pulling on a pair of trousers, and smirking quietly while Lister tried to find a way to make his clothes fit Hippolyta's body. "Krissy, is there any way we could get one of your bras to fit her?"
"Doubt it. She's bigger than I am, as much as I'm loathe to..." she trailed off, and got a strange, distant look on her face.
"Kriss? Krissy?" Lister grabbed her by the hand.
"Something's... wrong..." she whispered. There was a strange buzzing noise filling her ears, a dizziness enveloping her that was threatening to make her faint. A thousand tiny threads were whipping at her skin, threatening to tie her down. She sat down hard on the deck.
"Kristine!" Lister's voice came from very far away, like he was shouting at her from down a tunnel.
Rimmer felt the power drain from his body. He hadn't realized until just now exactly how much energy this whole exercise was expending. He could feel his brain start to shrivel up, the ship begin to slow to a crawl. He slumped in his chair, and started shaking like a leaf. He could see Bai getting further away from him, running away in the dense gray fog, becoming smaller and smaller.
And he realized that if she got out of sight, he'd never see Hippolyta again. He struggled to run after her. It was like running under water at 6000 fathoms. His lungs labored against the strain, his heart pounded in his ears and throat and eyes.
Using the last of his mental energy, the last of the power that Bai had granted him, he threw his thoughts out, randomly, wildly, looking for some sort of anchor to keep Bai in sight. Then he found it.
~Hippolyta!~
Hippolyta was still unconscious on the GELF ship, but suddenly she gasped in her sleep and her face screwed up in concentration.
~Rimmer?~
And there she was. She was next to him, running with him, holding his hand as they sprinted across the gray. She looked bemused, and slightly frightened. But, above all else, she was angry.
"Hullo dear. Sorry to bother you, but I'm in a bit of a fix right now and could really use your help," said Rimmer casually, as if they weren't running for their lives through his mind.
"Oh, no bother at all. Who are we chasing? And, uh, how exactly is this going on? You understand my confusion, right?"
"Well, there's this girl..."
"The entirety of human kind is near extinct, and you've met somebody else? I find myself rather shocked, Rimmer."
"Well, I don't like her at all. In fact, I'm trying to catch her right now so I can beat the ever living fuck out of her."
"Oh." Hippolyta nodded. "I'm good at that." The running had become easier now, and Bai was no longer a distant speck. In fact, they were gaining on her. Bai glanced behind herself, catching sight of the lovers quickly gaining ground. She lowered her head and charged forward, gaining a slight burst of speed. But only for a moment. Suddenly, Bai seemed to hit a wall, and stopped very short. She crumpled and fell. Rimmer and Hippolyta were on her in an instant. Bai moaned and whimpered and shivered, seemingly stuck in her own, personal hell.
"It's not you. It's not you, it's her!" she moaned, glancing glassy eyed at Hippolyta.
Kochanski blinked, and shook herself. "It's over."
Lister looked annoyed, scared and pissed off all at once. "What's over? What the smeg is going on around here?"
"Are you decent?" asked Kochanski, standing quickly.
"Mostly," said Lister, confused. "I'm still short a bra, but... Hey! Tell me what's going on!"
"We're going to the cockpit. Rimmer's got a lot of explaining to do."
"Rimmer? What? Why?" Lister, who was usually pretty quick on the uptake if need be, felt more lost than the entire line up of the Los Angeles Clippers.
"I think I've got it. I'm not one hundred percent on this, but it feels right." She grabbed Lister's hand and hustled him out of the room. They ran up the corridor to the first set of stairs before Lister dug his feet in and pulled her to a halt.
"Kris, if I don't get some sensible talk out of you right now, I'm gonna tie you to the bed and spank you."
"Now's not the time, Dave!" And she tugged him along after her again, but not before stopping at the munitions cabinet, grabbing a pair of loaded bazookoids.
Rimmer and Hippolyta stood over Bai, still holding on to each other's hands in a death grip. Bai was shivering. "You're not the one. It was her. I should have gone after her..."
"Her who?" insisted Rimmer.
He began to let go of Hippolyta's hand, but she squeezed tighter. "Don't let go, love, or I'm gone again." She peered down at Bai. "Get out of Rimmer's head. He's mine."
"No," gasped Bai. "If I go, you're lost. He won't be able to find you, and then you'll be stuck as the husband of a GELF until they tire of you and throw you to the Emohawk."
Hippolyta stiffened. Bai smiled weakly at her. "Forgot about that, did you? Your mind may be here, but your body is still back with the GELF. Now, Lister and," here, Bai seemed to stutter, "th-that woman are coming. Rimmer, you have to convince them to let me stay. Otherwise..." She let the threat hang in the air.
Lister and Kochanski burst into the cockpit, bazookoids at the ready, expecting a scene of some violence. Instead, they saw through the view screen the stars winking and sailing past, blurred to after images and streaks, which were gradually getting slower. The consoles were all black, not even the slightest bit of energy flowing through them. And there was Rimmer, slumped, open eyed, in his usual seat, staring off into the distance. Kochanski shuddered, while Lister waved a hand in front of the unresponsive tech's face.
"What's wrong with him?" asked Lister, propping his bazookoid against the console.
"That thing that was trying to get at me? Got to him."
"You mean he's possessed?"
"Not exactly, no," said Rimmer suddenly, and both Lister and Kochanski jumped, startled. Kochanski swung her bazookoid at him, but Lister pushed it down to face the deck. Rimmer's eyes were still staring off into the distance, but his mouth was moving, working just fine. "I have... a visitor. She's helping us get to Hippolyta. She..." He stopped. "Rimmer, let me explain," he said to nobody in particular. Then, he continued, in a different tone of voice. "She says she won't harm us. Somehow she's given Rimmer and me a telepathic connection, so I'm really sort of here."
"Hippolyta?" asked Lister.
Rimmer's head turned to face him, like a marionette on a string. "Dave! So glad to see you. Wait, what have you done to my hair?!? You're a dead man. Dead!" "Uh, do we have time to discuss your coiffure?" "Rimmer, stay out of this." It was odd watching this entire conversation coming out of one mouth. Lister was, in turns, fascinated, appalled and amused.
"Ok. Enough!" snapped Kochanski. "Where are we heading?"
"Toward the GELF ship. Our visitor is helping us get Hippolyta back." "I still don't trust her." "She's sitting right there, Hippolyta!" "I don't care. I don't like her, and I don't care if she knows it." "Yes, well, I'm not overly fond of her myself, but that won't help us rescue you."
"Stop! Would just one of you tell me what's happening?" said Kochanski. "As much as I respect you, Hippolyta, let Rimmer talk."
Rimmer seemed to smirk, but it looked painted on. "We're almost at the ship. Don't touch anything, I'll take care of it." This was in a third voice, and Kochanski's eyes widened.
"I know you. You tried to get in my head," snarled Kochanski, whose bazookoid was swinging dangerously upwards again.
Rimmer's eyes gleamed with anger. "Yes. And next time we meet, I'm not going to go so easy on you."
"Steady on!" said Lister, pushing Kochanski's bazookoid down for a second time. Then, he glanced at the view screen. Just ahead of them, moving like a bat out of hell, was the GELF ship. "Oh smeg. There they are."
Taking up too large a portion of the view screen was the GELF ship. Without even thinking, Kochanski finally put her bazookoid down and swung into Kryten's usual seat, her habits of a lifetime as a navigation officer coming into play. "Bearing mark 245.7 Range 20,000 geegucks... 19,000... 18,000... Slow us down!" she shrieked at Rimmer. "We're going to ram them!"
"That'zzzz the plan..." buzzed Bai through Rimmer's mouth.
"No!" screamed Rimmer. "We'll be killed!" He was facing Bai again in the gray, with Hippolyta tightly clenching onto his hand.
"Quite possibly," said Bai serenely. "And your ship won't be much good afterwards, either."
"Don't do this, Bai!" shrieked Rimmer, looking, for the first time since she'd entered his mind, genuinely afraid.
Hippolyta reached forward with her free hand and grabbed Bai by the front of her shirt. "Slow us down. NOW!"
But instead of being intimidated by this, Bai became triumphantly smug. "Gotcha!" she crowed. Rimmer felt Hippolyta's grip on his hand loosen, then leave entirely. The two women were spinning away from him, faster than he could blink. They were two, small struggling dots on the horizon. Rimmer could only watch as Hippolyta managed to get in a few good licks, sending Bai staggering back. But still they grappled with each other, screeching and snarling and shrieking like wounded animals. Bai feinted to the right, seemingly trying to escape, but Hippolyta was having none of it. She delivered a bone-cracking kick at Bai's kneecap, but missed. Bai suddenly danced in closer and landed a chop on Hippolyta's neck with the edge of her palm. Rimmer screamed a frantic denial as Hippolyta stumbled and fell. Bai crouched down next to her fallen enemy and grabbed her by the wrist.
~I GOT IT!~ screamed Bai across the cosmos. In her hand was the watch that had lately been around Hippolyta's wrist. ~Well, that was fun,~ she said to Hippolyta, who was sprawled flat on her back. ~You're a hell of a fighter. With a bit more mental training, you might have beaten me. But, sadly, you suck. Here. Have a consolation prize.~
Kochanski was wrestling with the navicomp, entering every override password she could think of. The consoles remained as dead as roadkill, and gave off the same fetid stench. Lister, meanwhile, was cursing imaginatively, trying against try to get the garbage cannon on line and locked on the GELF ship. Nothing was working. He glanced at the view screen, watching the other ship grow larger still. They were doomed. He looked over at Kochanski and smiled bravely at her.
"Thank you, Kris. I love you."
"Don't you dare say goodbye to me! Help me!"
Lister hollered, "I can't!" He thumped a fist down on the steering wheel. Suddenly, all the power on the ship's consoles roared back to life. Just as they did so, a space suited figure appeared out of nowhere, about a foot above the floor. It was Hippolyta, still unconscious, and she fell the last foot, crumpling onto the deck. Rimmer sat bolt upright, sweating and shaking, his pupils dilated so severely that they appeared to be entirely black. He screamed, sounding like a tea kettle coming to the boil, then he too lost consciousness. Kochanski, seizing the moment, was too busy programming in their new coordinates to notice these tiny details.
With a loud groan, the ship swung hard to starboard, causing the Cat to fall over into a pile of clothing, Kryten and his detached legs to roll across the bathroom floor, and Rimmer to join Hippolyta on the deck of the cockpit. The Starbug XX missed the GELF ship by mere feet, screaming past it like a banshee. Lister had managed to get his lock with the garbage cannon, and just as they zoomed past, got off a lucky shot.
The Translator was frantically waving his hands through the air, where just moments before, his prisoner had been held. A slow, sinking feeling began in his stomach, as he imagined how Grrr-aaackkc-kkkhhh-aa would take the news. Not at all well. She'd probably insist on marrying the one who failed to bring her betrothed back. And The Translator shuddered. Even among the GELF, Grrr-aaackkc-kkkhhh-aa was no prize.
Then, a shower of sparks fell over him, and his last conscious thought before fire, radiation and oblivion took him was one of utmost relief.
The flare from the destroyed GELF ship lit up the tail end of Starbug as it zoomed away. White hot particles of dust and debris scattered in every direction, some pinging angrily off the rear deflectors of Starbug, some embedding themselves into the hull of the ship. The Starbug rocked and swayed, shimmying like a jazz dancer. After a few heart thumping moments, the gyroscopic stabilizers finally decided to to their jobs, although there was some grumbling about a missed coffee break and getting the union involved. Starbug tottered away from the destruction, limping like a drunk who's lost one of his platform shoes at the disco. They were back on course to the derelict, having only lost two days of travel. Of course, those two days were in the entirely opposite direction of where they wanted to go.
Lister realized something he'd noticed from the psychic scream of their late visitor. He leaned over to his own unconscious body and removed the glove of the space suit. He hadn't been imagining it. The watch, the device that caused the body swap, was gone.
SMEG!
Author's Note: If you were confused by this chapter, please dial 1-800-CONFUZE-A-FIC. Representatives will be standing by 24 hours a day to answer all your questions.
To Be Continued...
