Cliche Wars

Episode V: Return of the Voldemort

After the traditional and rather boring sorting and supper, our heroes make their way back up to Gryffindor tower, where the much anticipated plot device awaits. Harry and Ron walked into their dorm and Harry immediately made his way to his bed, at the foot of which his trunk, owl, and various other items were stowed by something or other while he ate. Ignoring all of this for plot's sake, he went staight to his bed. On it, lay a note. He read it and passed it to Ron.

"Harry,

So dreadful sorry I haven't been in touch. Where I'm at currently makes it especially difficult to send OWLS. Enclosed is an edition of 'Where's Waldo'. I'm where Waldo is. This is my newest plan in keeping all that are looking for me on their toes. …Not that anyone would be looking for a large black dog.

Cornobbling Yours,

Snuffles."

"Cornnobbling? What the zark does that mean?" asked Ron.

"..It means.. to be hit by a fish.." answered Harry as he scanned the picture looking for the elusive man in the red and white striped shirt.

"Right. Anyway-"

BOOM! CRASH! DRAMATIC MUSIC!

"VOLDEMORT!" Screamed Harry

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Screamed Ron

It turned out it was just Hedwig trying to get in the closed window.

"Oh, It was only Hedwig! Said Harry, "And look, she has a note, too!"

"Harry.

Nevermind how we got your owl. The important thing is that you meet us deep in the forbidden forest. We have a present for you.. It rhymes with 'Wookie'. We also have milk.

Love,

Dark Side…er….the Happy Nice Organization.

P.S. You can bring your silly red-headed friend and the bossy mean girl."

Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Ron…What rhymes with 'wookie?'"

Ron scratched his head .

"Rookie… lookie.. cookie.."

"Cookies! They want to give us cookies."

Hermione opened the door.

"You do realize this is a trap, don't you?" she asked rhetorically.

Harry shrugged.

"Most likely. Want to come?" he asked.

"Yeah.. why not." Shrugged Hermione.

After some pretty nifty ninja sneaking, involving tools handed down from the previous and far superior generation, Harry, Hermione, and Ronikins made their way to the specified disclosed area in the forest.

"Helllo! We've come for the Wookie!" said Harry.

"Cookies," hissed Hermione.

"Right. What the bossy one said," continued Harry.

"Ha! We've got you now!" said a nameless Deatheater as it grabbed Hermione and Ron.

"…Good afternoon, Harry.." crooned a deep smooth voice from the inexplicable mist.

"It's not afternoon.. it's the middle of the night.." said Harry smartly, obviously oblivious to the dramatic entrance the shadowy figure was trying to make.

The figure sighed and stepped from the shadows.. it had glowing red eyes and resonated evil.

"VOLDEMORT!" gasped Harry

"Eeek!" yelped Ron before he promptly fainted.

Harry raised his wand.

"Bring it!" he threatened.

"I haven't brought you here to fight you Harry," Voldemort said smoothly.

"..Yeah, I know. You've come here to kill me. Like the past five years. You're very early this time, by the way. I'm not sure if it's good writing to have a climax only 2 chapters in."

"It's only been 4 years, you dupe!" groaned Hermione, "Third year was just SIRIUS we only THOUGHT he was working for Voldemort.. honestly."

"You're both obnoxiously rude and egotistical. I like that in an apprentice." Said Voldemort.

"Apprentice? Never!" yelled Harry. "You killed my parents! You FRAMED my Godfather!"

"No Harry.. Sirius wasn't only your Godfather.. .because.." Voldemort rasped..

" I AM HIS FATHER!"

"Nooooooooooo!" screamed Harry in a fit of Spoofness.

"Yes. Sirius is my son.. Due to a rather interesting turn of events that I will not currently discuss, I became Sirius's father and uncle."

"Right. I'm just going to ignore that statement. Now, you have 30 seconds/words to explain to me why Hermione and I should join you.. oh. And is there an opening for Ron?"

"Yes. He can be a lackey," began Voldemort, " You should join the Dark Side, because we have cloaks that are very whooshy, and a good dental plan. And of course cookies. But most importantly, the Authoress hates you Harry.. so you should make it easier on her by being evil."

"Fair enough, count me in." submitted Harry.

"Harry no! We must fight for truth, justice, goodness in general!" exclaimed Hermione.

"The Dark Side has a very big library.." coaxed Voldie.

"Right. I'm in, too." Said Hermione.

"Excellent! We shall rule the Galaxy together! MWHAHAHAHA!.. Oh. And by the way Harry. I'm your father, too."

"What! No way! James is my dad!"

"..Who said I wasn't James?" said VoldieJames.

"NNNNNNNOOOOO," screamed Harry. " This is way too fucked up! I'm out!"

Harry opened his eyes and looked in his lap. A book lie there.

"The Power of Perception: A look at DeCartian philosophy." He read.

"I've read that book," said Hermione. "DeCarte believed that the entire world was what you thought it to be. I think, therefore I am. He believed you could alter reality just by thought."

"Kind of like a fanfic authoress?" asked Ron. The three laughed and the scene faded.

A/n: Surely that's worth a comment? I won't continue unless I get three new comments. I just hate posting art, fics, anything and never getting any feedback. I really don't care what you say, just as long as I know SOMEONE actually read it. I hoped everyone liked the rather anti-climatic ending to this episode..

In a TOTALLY UNREALATED NOTE, Has anyone noticed how many Star Wars tie in there are out there? It's really creeping me out..