I eye the cloudy grey sky above me in annoyance, wrapping my arms tightly around my body in a futile attempt at warmth. The prison yard is scattered with inmates, all standing in huddled clumps or off by themselves in lonely figures of isolation. I glance to my right at Malfoy. He is leaning against the stone wall, in much the same pose as when he first told me of his brilliant plan back at Hogwarts only three weeks ago, the brilliant plan that landed us in here in the first place. He is trying to appear aloof and uncaring, but I can see the minute shivering of his body and the firmly clenched hands at his side.
Again we do not wander too far from each other. Just as he is my only link to familiarity, I am also his.
"What the fuck are you staring at, Potter?"
This doesn't mean that he's going to be nice to me, though.
I roll my eyes and avert my gaze back out across the barren grounds. "I was just noticing that you looked a little cold, Malfoy." I sneer his name with derision.
"Of course I'm cold, you idiot. We are provided with these disgustingly thin, grey, robes, and the weather suddenly decides to skip summer and move directly into fall. And in case you hadn't noticed, grey is not my colour." Malfoy sighs dramatically as he picks at a loose thread on the offending garment. Even in prison, he is a vain, poncey git.
"Did I actually just hear you complain about the colour of our prison uniforms?"
Malfoy finally turns toward me. "And?"
"Never mind." I shake my head as a wry smile pulls at my lips.
"Is Dumbledore coming today?" Malfoy abruptly changes topics.
"I don't think so," I answer slowly. "But I have a meeting scheduled with Professor Lupin later." I smile inwardly at the thought.
"Bloody werewolf," Malfoy mutters.
"What?" I demand sharply.
"You heard me."
"Yeah, but why say it? You don't know him like I do."
"I know that you being friends with a werewolf is not going to look good to the Ministry, and that makes us both look bad."
"Do you ever think about anyone besides yourself, Malfoy?"
"Oh no, I never think about anyone else's well being," Malfoy drawls sarcastically then quickly lowers his voice. "I'm only a fucking spy for the good of your side."
"It's your side too," I remind him.
Apparently he has no ready made answer for that one and turns away.
I rub my hands together and blow on them to try to ease the chill settling into my bones. Even my toes are beginning to feel numb.
"I have a sneaking suspicion they adjust the temperature in here to make us feel even more miserable," I think aloud.
Malfoy nods, his gaze glued on two inmates far off in the distance standing together by the tall, magically warded fence. "Just don't come looking to me for warmth."
"Huh?" I frown in confusion. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Don't you know what goes on in these prisons, Potter?" He whispers conspiratorially, leaning towards me.
"No! Should I?"
Malfoy sighs at my naïve ignorance. "Queers."
"What?"
"Men who-"
"I bloody know what it means, Malfoy!" I snap.
"Isn't it revolting?" Malfoy continues, a look of hatred crossing his features as he gestures to the other inmates. "Men buggering other men right here in this building, right next to our cell even, in the showers..."
I remain quiet, my temper silently flaring.
"I mean, doesn't it piss you off that we have to be in the company of these fucking queers?"
"Stop calling them that."
"Why?" Malfoy looks surprised.
"Because it's rude and...derogatory."
"Ooo...big word, Potter. Don't you know that it's practically against the law to be a shirt lifter?"
"Of course I know that," I reply irritably. "That doesn't automatically make it sick or wrong. In some Muggle countries it's quite common."
"Well if Mud-bloods do it then it really must be wrong."
I have the strongest urge to reach out and slap his pale condescending face. "Do you make it your life's mission to try to offend every person out there who's not in the same class as you?"
"My class is the only class, Potter." Malfoy speaks as though he's echoing his father.
All thoughts of the uncomfortable cold seeping into my body are now gone, my anger and defensiveness fuelling the rising heat of emotions. I turn to face him. "Don't you believe that love is love and that no matter who it's between it's always right and just?"
"No, I don't," he replies evenly. "That's not the way it's supposed to be. It's abnormal."
"Says who - your father?" I push.
Malfoy presses his lips together and glares. "Don't try to make this into something it's not, Potter. This isn't about..." He trails off, a dawning look of comprehension filling his eyes. "You're a queer!"
"I told you to stop using that word!"
"You are, aren't you?" Malfoy looks thoroughly stunned.
"That's none of your business," I mumble, evading the question.
Malfoy lets out a sudden bark of laughter. "I can't believe The-Boy-Who-Lived is queer!" he crows.
"Shut the fuck up, Malfoy!" I hiss, his cry drawing attention from the others. "And I never said I was."
Malfoy continues to snicker as my cheeks flame hotly.
I quickly turn away from him and run towards the doors back inside. I cannot go further than the small room just inside the building as we are supposed to be getting our two hours of 'fresh air time' for another twenty minutes.
I throw myself into one of the cold metal chairs and close my eyes. The musty smell of Grace once again invades my nostrils as I breathe deeply to try and calm myself. The muffled sound of prison activity surrounds me and I have to fight the urge to cry.
The fact that I let my most guarded secret out to my enemy of all people is eating away at me. Not even Ron and Hermione know that I'm gay, not even Dumbledore. Nobody knows but me. And now, through my own stupidity, Malfoy knows.
I pull my knees up onto the small chair with difficulty and bury my face in them, fingers clutching my messy tangle of windblown hair.
I discovered that I was gay only last year. It was a slow realisation, there was no sudden moment of clarity or burst of bright light, it was more like a gradual acceptance of the fact that women just didn't do it for me and men did - no matter how hard I tried to deny it.
Then I found out that being gay in the wizarding world is almost worse than in the Muggle world. No one tolerates it here. There is no acceptance, no leeway, and no compassion of any sort. It still exists of course, but very heavily secreted and hidden away from society. They can't arrest you for it, but they will make the rest your life a living hell, unless some crazed homophobe takes it upon himself to end your life a little early. Gay bashing is not all that uncommon. Society tends to turn a blind eye towards it. In this respect the wizarding world is moving backwards instead of forward.
I hope I can convince Malfoy to keep my secret for me.
I let out a half laugh, half sob at that ludicrous thought. Imagine Malfoy actually helping me just because I ask him too.
I lift my head and stare up at the clock. I cannot wait until my meeting with Remus. The thought of his visit is the only thing keeping me from completely falling apart right now.
"Harry." Remus stands instantly and his lips stretch into a wide welcoming grin as I am led inside the visitor's room.
"Remus!" I run straight into his open arms and bury my face in his chest, arms clinging tightly to his lean body.
"Harry? Harry, is something wrong?" Remus is immediately concerned and begins to stroke my hair soothingly.
I pull back and look up at him. "You mean besides the fact that I'm in prison?" I ask humourlessly.
Remus' brow furrows in obvious concern. "Why don't we sit and talk?"
I lower myself into the metal chair with a weary sigh and clasp my hands together in my lap. I'm not even sure where to begin. "How are Ron and Hermione?" I decide to ask a relatively safe question to begin with.
Remus doesn't buy it, but he knows me well enough by now to give me time to get around to the real issue. He pulls the other chair around so that we are sitting across from each other, our knees almost touching.
"They're fine, a little maniacal when it comes to helping you, but they're in good health."
I lift my head with a slight smile. "I'm glad." I twist my hands in my lap and glance at the guard standing by the door.
"Just pretend he's not there, Harry." Remus tries to draw my attention back to him. He takes my chin in his hand and forces me to look him in the eye. "Say whatever's on your mind."
"I think..." I take another deep breath to steady myself. "I think I made a huge mistake today."
Remus nods, urging me to continue.
"Malfoy thinks that he knows something about me and I'm worried that he might use it against me."
"What is it that he thinks he knows?"
"He thinks I'm...gay," I utter the last word barely above a whisper.
"Why would he think that?"
"Because I defended...them, and because he's bloody Draco Malfoy and he's out to get everyone!"
Remus leans forward, holding my gaze. "Harry, are you...?"
I look into Remus' warm eyes, filled with concern and fatherly affection, and I can't bring myself to talk to him about this. I don't want to alienate myself from the only family I have left. So I decide to go the safe route - and lie. "No! I'm not gay!"
"Okay, okay." Remus glances at the guard as he settles back against his chair. "I didn't mean to offend you, I was just curious."
"It's okay." I rub my eyes tiredly. "I didn't mean to freak out. Forget I brought it up."
"Harry-"
"How's Dumbledore?" I ask quickly, interrupting him.
Remus regards me thoughtfully then shakes his head. "He's fine. He's working hard to get you out of here, as are we all."
"Have they found anything else yet?"
"No, not yet," Remus admits with a heavy sigh. "But it won't be long now, something has to show up sooner or later."
I start to relax at this new and much safer topic. "Dumbledore said that they won't let us take Veritaserum to prove our innocence, do you know why?"
"He didn't tell you?"
I shake my head.
Remus leans forward again, elbows on his knees. "It's stupid, really. You see, Albus is a very strong and powerful wizard, a fact not lost on the Ministry or the general public. He is known as having acquired an endless amount of magical information and skills over the years, some of which the Ministry knows about, some of which they don't. One which they do know about is his ability to elude the power of Veritaserum."
"What? I thought that was impossible," I say in disbelief.
"It almost is," Remus answers. "Albus had a few partners in his life with whom he worked with on different aspects of the less, shall we say, respectable areas of magic. Not dark magic exactly, but not things which the Ministry endorses at any rate. He worked on slowly building up a resistance to Veritaserum. Don't ask me how or even why, he's never told a living soul that I know of."
"Then why won't they let us take it?"
"Because they don't know whether to trust that Dumbledore has not trained you in that particular skill."
I slump over in my seat as the whole picture comes together. "And since they have no way of testing that Dumbledore is telling the truth, since they can't use Veritaserum on him, then they can't trust anything he says in our defence."
Remus nods in affirmation.
"So there's nothing I can do but wait?"
"I'm afraid so."
"What if they never find anything?" I ask quietly, feeling as though any hope I might have had walking into this room has left me entirely.
"They will, Harry," Remus says with conviction. "They won't just send Harry Potter to Azkaban without complete proof of anything."
"I don't want to be stuck here." I try to hold back the tears, a futile attempt at keeping at least some dignity in this place.
"C'mere." Remus stands and opens his arms and I once again find myself wrapped in his safe embrace. I cling to him desperately and bury my face in the warm brown folds of his cloak; the smell of grass and real fresh air surrounds me.
"Time's up."
The rough voice of the guard snaps me back to reality and I very slowly pull away, feeling as though I've just been stripped of all warmth and left empty and cold.
"I'll be back as soon as I can," Remus whispers into my ear, giving my shoulder a squeeze. "And Harry? It's okay if Malfoy's right."
I look up at him.
"Just this once." He winks and touches my cheek one last time before walking out.
I don't even remember being led back to my cell again.
I can't stop thinking about what Remus said. Not the technical stuff about my case and the lack of evidence to support me, but just those two words, going round and round my head – 'it's okay.'
He thinks it's okay. Remus thinks that it's okay that I'm gay.
"It's okay," I whisper again in wonder as the metal door is wrenched open and I calmly walk into my cell.
"Must have heard some good news," Malfoy comments as he looks up and takes in my happy expression.
"Not really." I smile carelessly.
Malfoy frowns, obviously thinking that I've gone round the bend. "What did the werewolf have to say?"
"Not much." I ignore the werewolf comment and settle down on my mat across from Malfoy. I'm not rising to his bait again. "I asked about Veritaserum-"
"What?"
I frown as Malfoy stares at me with wide eyes. "Yeah, I asked why they wouldn't let us take it. Something wrong?"
Malfoy quickly regains his composure and smoothes his expression. "Of course not, Potter. I was just wondering why you'd bothered to bring it up again, that's all."
"Oh." I continue to stare at my cellmate with curiosity.
"I told you before to stop staring at me, Potter. I'm not a fucking poofter like you, so get your rocks off somewhere else."
This time I don't feel angry, I feel sorry for him. He's obviously trying to cover up the fact that he's just as scared as I am. I just wish I could work out what it is that sets him off. We worked together just fine before, but I guess prison can do that to a person, especially one as used to the finer things in life as Malfoy is.
I never thought that I would pity Draco Malfoy, and I almost do right now.
I'm not going to waste my time on it though. I have more important things to think about, like getting out of here.
I sit and stare out our tiny window for the rest of the day, running over Remus' words again and again: it's okay, it's okay, it's okay...
I smile to myself and think that maybe all hope hasn't escaped me just yet.
