Title: In Your Dreams
Author: Blair Lebeau, SocialButterfli
Summary: The memory of her is still clear in his mind. He'll never forget how his heart stopped when she turned her back to him and flew away, never to return. But when they find each other again, will their destined love finally become reality? Or can they only be together in his dreams? RobStar
Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans, but if anyone wants to buy it for me, feel free!
Chapter 5
Driving towards the house where I dropped Ryan off, I thought about my unfinished story of The Mistake. I left off with the paper that changed our lives forever, that damn letter that was an invitation for Starfire to return to Tamaran. I still don't know what the reason for returning was, but she had assured me that it wasn't forever. She hadn't, however, assured me that it wasn't for long, and that was what set me off. The prospect of not seeing her for a day was terrifying, let alone longer. But I remember how happy she was to be invited back. I remember thinking, hey, Starfire, remember that speech you made when you were betrothed about how Earth is your real home? That speech she gave satisfied me and made me feel safe that she would be with us, with me, forever. But this letter was proving me wrong.
We were alone on the roof when she finally brought it up again.
"Oh, Robin, isn't it wonderful?"
"Uh, I guess so. Are you going to go?" She gave me a look like I was crazy, a look I had never seen before from her.
"Why, of course!"
"Oh. I see. We'll, uh, miss you." How could she? After the moment we had just shared, the sparks that flew between us, was I the only one who realized how intimate that was? No, I wasn't, even Raven had noticed and she hadn't been there. But it wasn't Starfire's fault that she didn't realize it for what it was. Perhaps a moment like that was platonic on her planet. It was obvious she didn't feel for me what I felt for her. All the more reason to keep my feelings for her in. Way in.
Upon seeing my crestfallen face she, in turn, offered an invitation. "You could come with me." I admit that when she said "me" my heart leaped for joy. Me. Robin. Not including the rest of the Teen Titans. Just Robin. "You and friend Raven, Beast Boy and Cyborg!" That ruined it for me, of course, and my face turned hard. I had been ready to accept it, blind to my responsibilities in the heat of the moment, but adding the rest of the Titans into the deal reminded me of reality.
"I can't just leave, Star, I have responsibilities, like protecting Jump City."
"I understand."
I snapped. I didn't mean to, and if I could do it all over again, I never would. I never meant for such harsh words to reach her fragile ears, and I never meant for those harsh words to come from me. Normally I would be saving her from a verbal attack. But instead I was giving one. I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to tolerate it, but Starfire's ignorance to my love for her was killing me. If our places were reversed, I would have all but begged her to come with me. I wouldn't have understood that she couldn't come. But Starfire didn't care for me as much as I cared for her, and having to come to terms with it destroyed me. I couldn't be just friends with her anymore. If I couldn't have her as mine, I couldn't be near her at all. She was a constant reminder of what I had yet didn't actually have. All those times she reached out and touched me were platonic to her, and they meant so much more to me. All those times we shared an intimate moment were just another day to her, probably forgotten, where I memorized every intricate detail. All those times when words should have been but weren't were because she didn't plan on saying them back to me and I knew it.
Being in love can make a person forget what pain means. But being in love can also reinforce pain to the point where your heart is so torn between loving someone and letting them go that it breaks.
"No, Starfire, you don't understand!" I yelled. She flinched, fear, confusion, and hurt apparent in her emerald eyes, and when I saw that, I should have stopped. But I didn't. I couldn't. "You don't understand true dedication to responsibilities! You should stay here and help protect Jump City because it's your job, but instead you think it's okay to go off to your home planet whenever you please, without even thinking about what could happen in your absence. Being a hero is about personal sacrifice, Starfire, and you obviously don't get that concept. You're supposed to do what's best for all, not for yourself. If you can't understand that, then when you go, maybe you just shouldn't come back!"
It wasn't about her leaving us to defend Jump City without her for a little while, no, it was never about that. It was about the personal sacrifice I, myself, had to make for the good of all instead of thinking about myself by denying myself the love I so desperately wanted and needed. You probably think I'm an absolute moron who doesn't deserve to even say her name. You probably think Starfire had the right to leave and never come back. And you'd be right to think that. But what you don't understand is that true love is a very powerful thing. You never hear about the disaster stories. You only hear about happily ever afters, and that is because no one wants to know what happens when true love doesn't work out.
Well now you know, because my story isn't a happily ever after. It is a disaster, it is The Mistake. And I will live with it for the rest of my life.
Sometime during my psychotic bout of rage Cyborg, Raven, and Beast Boy came up to find out what all the yelling was about. They didn't need to know what had happened; they could tell from Starfire's watery, blurry eyes and my regretful yet heated face that I had made The Mistake.
The four of us could only watch as a single, perfect tear spilled over and slowly rolled down her cheek. Without a word, she turned her back to me and flew away, taking my heart with her.
Never to return, just as I had suggested.
I don't really remember what happened after that. Bits and pieces came to me over time as I replayed The Mistake over and over in my head, such as Cyborg suggesting we go after her in the T Ship like we did that one time she transformed, Beast Boy trying to lighten the situation but only making it worse, and Raven telling the both of them to leave me alone as I made my way to my room. When I got there, my consciousness returned, and I remember clearly going straight to my desk drawer and pulling out my most precious possession: a framed picture Starfire gave me two Christmases ago of the two of us, her hugging me from behind and smiling, me looking up with her with love so obvious in my eyes that only she wouldn't recognize it. As I held it and stared at it, I began shaking with a sadness so painful that I'll spare you the description so you won't feel like breaking down and crying yourself. I remember slowly walking to her abandoned room, like a zombie. I opened the door and felt a new wave of pain. I remember collapsing on her bed, the picture clutched to my chest, and crying tears that I have never allowed myself to cry before. And when I finally left her room and returned to reality, a few days later, I left the picture there, like a memorial to her.
I've relived this moment now as I've relived it before and will relive it in the future.
Unless this is my chance to finally make it right.
FINALLY MY DIVIDER IS BACK!
Okay, so, finally you know what The Mistake is. But I have bad news for you all: due to a horrendous grade on my report card, I've been banned from all computer activity until the grade comes up and I get my next report card, which is mid-January. But don't freak out too much, I'm allowed to have it back on winter vacation and plus there are times like Tuesdays and Thursdays after school when no one's home and I can do a quick update without anyone knowing. So all is not lost, and you'll probably get 2 updates a week, maybe more, maybe less, so don't panic too much. You'll still get your weekly fix.
Another note: No, Robin doesn't know Starfire's real name, nor do the rest of the team. But they'll find out, of course!
And that is all for now. Sorry about the wait, guys.
Blair
