Title: In Your Dreams
Author: Blair Lebeau, SocialButterfli
Summary: The memory of her is still clear in his mind. He'll never forget how his heart stopped when she turned her back to him and flew away, never to return. But when they find each other again, will their destined love finally become reality? Or can they only be together in his dreams? RobStar
Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans, but if anyone wants to buy it for me, feel free!
Chapter 7
The moment her name left my lips I could feel my world come crashing down around me. I can't exactly describe how I felt; it was a mixture of everything one could possibly feel. First I was stunned and surprised, followed by a strong wave of nostalgia and sadness. The fact that my heart leaped for joy accounted for happiness, though I felt very unsure of whether it would turn out happy or not. And I'm ashamed to admit that there was a little bit of anger mixed in there. She had been living on Earth and not Tamaran for all this time and never once contacted anyone? I could understand why she wouldn't get in touch with me, but judging from the looks on the faces of my teammates, I could tell they were as surprised as I was.
But overall, I felt an undeniable surge of love.
I took it all in. She looked exactly the same as she had when she turned away from me on the night of The Mistake, except for one thing. She was the same height, had the same hair length, and didn't seem to have aged a day. However, there was a slight aura of exhaustion about her, and her gorgeous emerald eyes were somewhat lacking in their usual sparkle, which I think was what made it so hard. I knew that it was my fault.
No one spoke. Finally, Raven broke the silence.
"Koriand'r," she whispered. "Kori Anders." Starfire nodded slowly. "I knew I had heard that name from somewhere before. Kori Anders is you. And Kori Anders is Koriand'r, humanized."
"Yes. On Tamaran, my given name is Koriand'r, and Ryan, as I suppose you know him as, is Ryand'r. When I came to Earth I adopted the name Starfire, but Ryand'r never knew that. With him, I was Kori."
"I am apologetic, sister," Ryan said, quietly. "They refused to be persuaded to leave. I knew it was best if they did, but . . . I am sorry." Starfire said nothing in response, and though I wished to voice some of my tumultuous thoughts, I found my mouth dry and unwilling to form the words I wanted to say. A second later, I had no idea what I would say if I could. My heart was racing and my brain was frozen up. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Beast Boy struggling to keep himself in check and not tell an inappropriate joke that would make everything worse. But, to be quite honest, at that point even those would be appreciated. Something, anything needed to break this agonizing silence.
It was Cyborg that finally got up the courage.
"I always knew you would come back," he said, his voice steady and almost indifferent. I knew his human brain was relying on the mechanical side of him to keep him from being too emotional. We all had our ways of hiding what we felt; that was just what super heroes did. Raven used her meditation, Beast Boy used his lame jokes and laughed things off, Cyborg used his machine, and I used my stubbornness. Only Starfire had expressed what she felt. When she was happy, she laughed; when she was sad, she cried. She made it seem so easy, and so okay. Without that kind of emotion around, no wonder we had all become so strained and distant.
"I suppose I could never leave," she replied, quietly, doing everything she could to avoid eye contact with me. Part of me was relieved at that, because I didn't know exactly how I would react to her steady yet almost lifeless gaze, but the other half was begging her to give me just a glance.
Beast Boy was next.
"I guess you forgot how to use the phone?" he said, his laughter weak and faltering. Starfire gave a little smile in appreciation at his attempt.
"It was always very complicated," she answered.
It was Raven's turn, and she knew it, because of course I had to go last. She fought with herself for a second, and you could almost hear all the different sides of her arguing over how to express how she felt without losing too much control. Finally, she settled on a quick hug, which was the right choice. A hug from Raven was like the rarest of all gifts.
I found myself wishing it wasn't so quick.
My turn.
Hey, Starfire, how you doing?
No.
Hey, Star, long time no see.
Definitely not.
Starfire, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, PLEEEEAAASE, I love you, I adore you, I can't live without you, I'm a moron, and life has been hell without you.
I think it's safe to say that we can scratch that off the list.
Hey. I've missed you.
Perfect. Short, sweet, simple; it doesn't show too much of me, but it does leave it open for her to take the next step.
Now all I've got to do is say it.
"Starfire . . ." I began, my voice cracking a little, but luckily no one seemed to notice. I watched her carefully, hoping to pick up some hidden messages in her body language. I noticed that she tensed up, but there was a look of maybe hope on her face. Maybe she missed me too?
Why wasn't I finishing my sentence? My thought-out, perfectly-crafted sentence?
"I . . . uh . . . we . . . I've . . . hey."
You moron.
She looked disappointed, as did everyone else. Hell, I was disappointed in myself. But she shook it off quickly. Too quickly.
"Welcome to my home," she said, a smile that seemed a little too big to be real plastered on her face. "Please, sit, and I shall retrieve some refreshments." I watched as she turned and walked away, heading out to the kitchen. I was thrilled that she had asked us to stay, but I wanted to talk to her, alone. Maybe then I could actually become a normal human being. I didn't have to throw myself at her feet and pour out my feelings to her, but I at least could show that I wasn't an emotionless brick wall.
At least I hoped I wasn't.
I tried to slip away unnoticed, but by the time I reached the end of the room, all eyes were on me. I began to feel self conscious and wonder if it wasn't such a great idea after all, but when my eyes fell on her humming quietly to herself while she emptied chips into a bowl, I forgot everything except how she was beautiful and I was sorry.
"Hey," I said, too loudly. I resisted the urge to cover my mouth. She turned around quickly, startled. I smiled nervously, and she returned the same sort of smile.
"Hi." She looked away. "Is there something you need?"
Yes. I'd like to know why you're insistent on avoiding eye contact with me. Oh, wait, never mind, I know why. Because I'm an idiot.
"Oh, no, I, uh, yeah, actually, do you have water?" It was a reasonable request, not a cover up, because my throat was dry and I certainly couldn't apologize or let her know that I was glad to see her if I couldn't even speak.
Okay, yeah, it was a cover up.
"Of course, it is located in the faucet," she said, before turning back to the chips. I smiled. She was so cute.
Argh.
"Thanks. Glasses?" She pointed to a cabinet and I got one out, filling it with water. I took a sip and found no relief in the wet liquid. Words still wouldn't come out.
"I am sorry." I looked up at her. Her back was still to me, and I wasn't quite sure if I heard her right.
"What?" She whirled around to face me, and I noticed her eyes were wet. I had never hated myself so much in my life.
"I am sorry that I returned. I know you told me not to, but it is not entirely my fault. My brother had to spend a year on Earth, and I was to escort him . . . I hoped you would not find out, but now that you have, it is okay. Ryand'r's year is up, and he is to return to Tamaran. I will go with him. I am sorry."
She's sorry? She thought I didn't want her here? She's sorry? She's leaving again? She's sorry? What? She's sorry?
"Starfire, no," I said despondently. It was like a reflex; hearing the hurt in her voice, I went to her immediately and let my hand rest lightly on her shoulder. I didn't mean to, but I was glad I did as a shiver ran down my spine from the touch. A shiver that I hadn't felt since that day in the weight room, my hands on her arms, waist, and legs . . . how had I lived for a year without her?
She looked away as if perhaps she couldn't bear the sight of me, and it stung, but I didn't remove my hand. It wouldn't seem to obey me.
"I do not understand," she whispered. "You told me not to come back." I took my free hand and tilted her chin up so she looked me in the eyes. A tremor ran through her body and I could feel her trying to turn away, but I wouldn't let her. I had to set things right.
"I never meant a single word I said that night," I told her, seriously. I looked for recognition on her face, but found none. She was confused, and I wasn't sure what to say to clarify what I meant. Perhaps on Tamaran people are not as complicated and always say what they mean. But here, on Earth, complication is our nature, and I just couldn't word it right.
"But . . . if you did not mean it, then why did you say those horrible things?" Oh, yes, they were horrible. Don't remind me.
"I was . . . not thinking clearly," I said, finally removing the unwilling hand from her shoulder and running it through my hair, frustrated. Words were failing me, and I just wanted to hold her, but I knew that would be taking advantage of her sweet nature, and I would never do that to her. I didn't deserve forgiving, so if she ever would, she would chose to without any influence from me. I could only apologize.
"I am sorry, but I still do not understand."
Robin, Robin, Robin, why can't you just say what you feel? Must you always be so tightly in control? Let it go, Robin. Just say what you feel.
"It was a mistake, Star. Saying those things to you was a horrible, horrible mistake that I have lived with for the past year. Every day I have relived and regretted those words. When you left, my entire world fell apart, and nothing could ever be the same again. I tried to let you go, knowing I had messed up too badly for you to ever come back, but it was like you lived in my mind and you wouldn't let me go. And when I saw your brother that first day, he reminded me so much of you that it killed me inside, Star. Do you understand what I'm saying? What I said was a mistake, one I'll never make again yet I don't expect you to forgive." Pause. "I just wanted you to know that I missed you, and I'm glad you're back, and I don't want you to leave again."
Damn. I couldn't believe I said that. Everything I had been keeping inside just came pouring out like it never was supposed to. The only thing left were those three little words that could change everything once again.
I love you, Star, I love you.
But no. That was enough change for one day.
Okay so I had a second of time to update, and I hope you guyslike how their reunion turned out. But don't worry, it's definitely not over yet. And if you think that Starfire has immediately accepted his apology and fallen into his arms, well....you just wait.
Review!
Blair
