Shoot Me Now: A Mother's Day Story

Summary: Chandler tries to figure out how to bring Monica and her mother together on Mother's Day; Rossrealizes he hasto do something nice for the mother of his child, Rachel, a little too late; Joey and Phoebe deal with their mothers

F.Y.I.: This is set before the season 9 finale (Emma has to be here).

A/N: I know I know, I should be working on my other Friends story, but I wanted to do one for Mother's Day next week. And, you know, I want to be able to give my mom something (I already bought her sneakers she wanted, but she told me to get them and currently wears them, so that doesn't really count, although she said it does). Basically, this is dedicated to my mom for inspiring me to write a Mother's Day story.


"No!

"Call her!"

"NO!"

"Do it!"

"I won't do it and you can't make me!"

"Come on, Mon, you have to."

"Give me one good reason."

"She's your mother."

"I said a good reason."

"Monica!" Ross sighed, clearly exasperated, and let himself fall back into his sister's couch. It was the same thing every year. He would desperately try to convince Monica to at least call their mother, but given their relationship, she would refuse. After a good, long argument, he would give in and call Mom for the both of them. Mom has to be catching on by now. It's pretty unusual for someone to have to work on Mother's Day for a good number of years in a row. Ah, well, it's not like Monica cares anyway. Why should I? He knew why, though. Deep in his heart he knew that both he and Monica should not only be calling, but also spending the day with their mother. "I just don't get it. What is so hard about talking to Mom for five minutes? That's all you have to do!"

Monica stared at him, not perceiving why he couldn't understand. It's not like he didn't know how she felt about her mother. Calmly taking a deep breath, she started to rattle off her many explanations as to why she couldn't, or didn't want to, call her mother. "Number 1, it won't be 'five minutes'. Oh, no, not with my mother. I'll be all, 'Happy Mother's Day, Mom,' and she'll be like, 'Thanks…you know, I just wondering…why haven't you given me grandchildren yet?' And I'll say, 'We're trying,' but no, that won't be good enough for her – she'll have to know how often, and of course that won't be enough, so then she'll ask why we aren't trying more, and so on. Number 2, she'd much rather talk to you anyway, with you being 'the golden child' and all – "

Ross rolled his eyes. "Mon, I think I have the 'Ten Points on Why Monica Can't Call Mom on Mother's Day' pretty much down pat. Especially since I hear them year, after year, after year…" He cringed at the thought of how many hours he'd spent listening to his sister go on and on.

"Yes, but, see, this year is different. Chandler needs to hear them so he doesn't get the wrong idea and become a nag like you."

"Wait, how is this different? We were together last year on Mother's Day," Chandler quipped from his position on the easy chair.

"Yeah, but I forgot then. Oh, great, now I have to say them twice." Not wanting to sit down, Monica paced around her living room, her arms folded.

Chandler was worried about his wife. Even he wasn't this resentful of his mother. And he had good reason to be. "Come on, how bad could calling your mom possibly be? It's not like she's a famous romance novelist and wears tops that show a little too much cleavage."

"Your mom's not like other moms. She doesn't know how much embarrassment she causes her child."

"Mon, you really believe that Mom tortures you on purpose?" Ross asked, one eyebrow raised. "She's so sweet."

"To you." Monica reminded him. "You're her perfect little boy who can never do anything wrong. I, on the other hand, am that other child she had who constantly disappoints her."

"Well, you've got a point there," Chandler said. "Last time she was here, she practically clawed your eyes out because you didn't call some relative. Uncle Lenny, was it?"

Ross looked down at his folded hands guiltily. He was supposed to have called their uncle when Aunt Melinda died a few weeks ago. Again, Monica had been blamed for something he did. Not feeling the need to mention it, ever, he quickly said, "Fine, Mon, you win again. I'll call Mom for the both of us."

"Thank you." Relieved, Monica flopped down on the couch next to Ross. "You know, we could avoid this argument if you would just stop being so darn stubborn."

Choosing not to say something he would later regret, Ross pushed himself off the couch and started toward the door. "Ok, well, I'll see you guys later…"

After Ross left, Monica and Chandler sat in silence for a moment. Finally, unable to contain himself, Chandler asked, "So, let's say, you stopped being stubborn. Would we just stop arguing all together?"

"Shut up."


"Wow, Monica really hates her mother, doesn't she?" Joey asked. Hours later, all three of the guys, plus Phoebe, sat in their usual spots in Central Perk. Chandler and Ross and just finished relaying what happened earlier.

"Well, 'hate' might be a tiny bit strong. With regards to Monica and her mother, I'd have to go with resentful, evasive, neglected…" Chandler paused, thinking. "Actually, 'hate' hits the nail on the head."

"She should be grateful she has a mother to begin with." Phoebe said seriously. "I mean, I know I did eventually find my birthmother, but for the longest time I thought my mom had died in a tragic oven incident."

"I think that Monica wouldn't mind if Mom was involved in a 'tragic oven incident.'" Ross commented, equally serious.

"Now you're exaggerating," Chandler defended, then shrugged his shoulders. "No, wait, I'm wrong again."

"Hey, speaking of Mother's Day," Phoebe began, a sly smile on her face, "Ross, what are you doing for Rachel?"

As she expected, Ross' face paled. "What do you mean, Pheebs?"

"Yeah," Joey said, completely oblivious, "In case you didn't know, Rachel's not his mom. For one thing, she's way too hot to have given birth to Ross."

"And, you know, the fact that it's biologically impossible," Chandler added sarcastically.

"No, no," Phoebe said, shaking her head. "I meant, what are you doing for Emma's mother, Rachel."

The guys sat back on the couch, then gave a collective, "Ooooh." "Don't worry about that, Pheebs," Chandler said, "Ross wouldn't be stupid enough to forget that he has to get something for her. It's her first Mother's Day as a mom."

"Right," Joey boasted, "He probably has the whole day figured out."

"Um, guys?" Ross started timidly.

"Yeah. He's got breakfast in bed all planned…" Chandler began.

"Guys?"

Joey continued, "Then he's going to give her a giant bouquet of flowers…"

"Guys?"

"And he's going to tell her how much he loves that she's the mother of his child…"

"Guys?"

"And, for a grand finale," Joey said, "He's going to take care of Emma all day."

"Guys!"

"Aw, that's so sweet!" Phoebe squealed.

"GUYS!"

Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe turned to stare at him angrily, annoyed that they had been interrupted. "WHAT?"

"Um," Ross quieted his voice down, slightly intimidated, "I…uh…kind of…"

"Oh, no, don't tell us you didn't…" Chandler said slowly. When Ross' response was a simple nod of his head, Chandler shook his, full of pity. "You forgot to get something for Rachel for Mother's Day."

"Hey! It's not like we're together or anything! If we were, it'd be a totally different story," Ross protested.

"Yeah, 'cause, you know, if you were a couple, you wouldn't have a child," Chandler countered wryly.

"I can't believe you forgot," Joey sighed. "According to my dad, there are three things a father is never supposed to forget –their anniversary, her birthday, and Mother's Day. You only have to remember one!"

Ross felt like smacking himself. "Well, in my defense - "

"What defense!" Phoebe almost yelled at him. "There is no defense!"

"Yeah, dude," Joey added, "You're screwed."

"I completely agree." Chandler said, "And there's no way you can get out of it, either. It's Saturday already."

"Uh huh. The malls are gonna be packed. Mother's Day is like a mini Christmas. All the good stuff is gone," Joey supplied. Realizing that might seem random, he said, "I worked at the mall on Mother's Day weekend one year in between acting jobs. Trust me, it's not pretty."

Phoebe thought a minute. "Well, you could get her a gift certificate to the nearest tattoo parlor." When she got weird looks, she explained, "It's what I used to get my adoptive mom for Mother's Day."

"Anyways…" Chandler said, then reclined back on the couch. Noting that the space next to him was empty, he asked, confused, "Ok, how long has Ross not been there?" When Phoebe and Joey indicated that they didn't know, he shrugged and took another sip of his coffee.


A/N: This is most likely only going to be two or three chapters long (famous last words). Mainly because it needs to be finished by next Sunday. Well, actually, by Thursday, 'cause Friday I'm taking my Advanced Placement U.S. History test and the SAT on that Saturday. I probably won't have enough brain power to write then. Alrighty then, read and review! (Oh, for those who are wondering, I did make up Uncle Lenny and Aunt Melinda)

P.S.: Sorry for the rambling – I tend to do that.