Title: In Your Dreams
Author: Blair Lebeau, SocialButterfli
Summary: The memory of her is still clear in his mind. He'll never forget how his heart stopped when she turned her back to him and flew away, never to return. But when they find each other again, will their destined love finally become reality? Or can they only be together in his dreams? RobStar
Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans, but if anyone wants to buy it for me, feel free!
Chapter 23
I looked around. I was lying on the ground, but I didn't feel anything. I wasn't sure if the surface I was laying on was hard or soft or if I was laying on anything at all. I stood, and looked around. There was nothing but white; bright, blinding white. It went on and on and on. There were no borders. I walked, or floated, or whatever you wanted to call it. My feet looked like they were hitting the ground, but I felt nothing. And it didn't seem like there was any ground to hit.
"Where am I?" I called out, not really expecting an answer.
Which is why I was surprised when I got one.
"Wherever you want to be." The voice was familiar, and I wasn't sure whether or not to believe my ears. I wasn't sure if I could trust any of my five senses in here, because my sense of touch didn't seem to work. How could I be sure if I had heard correctly?
"Is this Heaven?" I asked.
"Not quite. After all, I'm not dead yet, am I? And still I am here."
"I wouldn't know," I replied. "Not only do I not see you here, but I haven't seen you in the past few years at all. How am I to know if you've died or not?" The voice sounded like it was near me, but I didn't see anyone. I wasn't sure if it was my eyes or my ears that were wrong. Probably both.
"And whose fault is that?"
"Yours. You're the one who asked me to keep your identity secret from my team."
"You never exactly extended an invitation for me to meet them. Besides, I'm not the only one keeping secrets. Do your friends know who you are?" I chose to ignore that question. Bickering was useless, and I was tired of it. If I was dead, I didn't want to spend all eternity throwing points back and forth in a battle neither of us would win.
"Are you going to tell me where I am or not, Bruce?" At the mention of his name, he appeared, as if out of thin air. He was sans the Batman costume, which I was glad for. It was good to see his face. It was then that I noticed I was without my Robin costume as well. I felt my face. The mask was gone. It didn't make me panic, though, as I would in any other situation. With Bruce Wayne, I could be myself, Dick Grayson, and not worry about secret identities or pasts.
"Do you know why you're here?" he asked. An arm chair suddenly appeared, the maroon one I recognized as his favorite, and he sat. A chair appeared behind me, as well. He motioned for me to sit, and I did. I was so confused.
"I don't even know where I am," I repeated. "I was hoping you would tell me."
"You know me," he said, a slight smile playing on his stony face. "I'd rather have you figure it out for yourself. I think you're capable, don't you?"
I wasn't so sure.
"So why do you think you're here, Dick?" I thought of how I should answer. Finally, I decided on the last thing I remember.
"I was stabbed," I replied.
"Yes." I waited for him to continue, but he didn't.
"So . . . now I'm in Heaven?"
"No," he responded. Once again I waited for an explanation, but he offered none.
"Hell?"
"I'm flattered."
"I didn't mean it as an insult. It's . . . it's really great to see you again, actually." Neither of us were much for affection, so he didn't respond to it except for a nod that said the same for him and I didn't say more.
"Try not to guess where you are. Try to guess what you are." I didn't like the sound of that.
"Dead?" I dreaded the answer.
"No." My heart lifted, though I wasn't sure how I could feel it lifting if I couldn't feel anything else. I wasn't even sure if I had a heart, or a stomach, or an arm, or a leg. I wasn't sure if I was real.
"Real?" I asked. Bruce looked surprised by that suggestion. He took a while to answer.
"Not . . . here, necessarily, you aren't. You're as real as you want to be, as am I." I began to feel like I understood.
"I'm a figment of my imagination, then."
"Closer."
"This is a dream." He paused.
"You can call it that. But it's more like your subconscious. You're in shock right now, Robin, because of loss of blood. To save yourself, you brought yourself here. Of the people you know, you chose me to be here to receive you and try to explain some of this. You noticed that I'm dressed in normal clothes, as are you. That's because you're more comfortable that way, and you're deprived of your identity even where you live now. I am the way I am and you are the way you are because you wanted and envisioned it that way. So, yes, I suppose that you are in your dreams."
I stared at Bruce, bewildered, as he took a sip of wine from the glass that suddenly appeared in his hand.
"This is a little hard for me to grasp," I told him, and he nodded, as if he expected that response from me. He looked at me, and we kept steady eye contact until my eyes burned and I had to blink. The second my eyes closed, he began to speak.
"You are not dead, so don't worry. Rather, you have retreated into your subconscious to deal with the shock and impact of being stabbed. It's a rather fatal wound that you have, but you haven't lost enough blood yet for you to be gone completely. You will wake up when you are ready to wake up."
"I'm ready now," I said immediately. "My team needs my help. Starfire needs me." Bruce smiled at me, but I couldn't read into it. It seemed condescending, but it also could have been pitying. Poor Robin, caught up in being a hero again.
"Your friends can take care of themselves, you know that. Especially Koriand'r. You needn't worry about her." I didn't like hearing Bruce call her by her "real" name; that wasn't who she was to me.
"Her name's Starfire," I mumbled, almost embarrassed at correcting him, but he seemed to understand my reasons.
"She's special to you," he remarked. I nodded, hoping that I didn't seem as embarrassed as I felt. This wasn't something I felt like discussing with anyone, especially not with my father figure who's apt to respond to anything I say in a patronizing manner or tone. I wasn't looking at him, but I could feel his stare burning a hole in me. Did he actually want me to talk about this subject with him? Batman was not exactly the most intimate person you ever met; it was hard for him to show affection even to me, whom he considered a son, and to Diana, or Wonder Woman, who he so obviously loved with all his heart.
And now he expected me to open up about my love life? Not that I really had one. Starfire did hug me, though, and she seemed glad to see me. Of course, she would be glad to see anyone who was coming to rescue her from her kidnapper. But I held her . . . I pulled her against me and she didn't protest . . . I wanted to hold her now . . .
"Do you know of your friend Raven's meditation mirror?" How did he know about that? I nodded. "She uses that to get her thoughts and feelings together so she doesn't go into overload, or lose control. That's what this is for you, Dick, so don't hold back." This was weird. Bruce wasn't even real, I was making him up inside my head, and he wanted me to, what, spill to him like we were giggling teenage girls at a slumber party?
"Will you know or remember any of this?" I asked. "When this is over and I wake up?" The question seemed to stump Bruce, and he pondered it for a while before answering.
"It hadn't crossed my mind," he admitted. "After all, though this is real to you, and you will remember this, I'm not really here. So whether or not I'll have any recollection of this conversation or not, I don't know. However, right now, my body is sleeping, so it's possible that my spirit is here, in your mind, and it could be me." With every word he spoke, he was just confusing me more.
"So this is you, but it's not you," I said, paraphrasing his words.
"I don't know."
"Comforting."
"Are you going to take advantage of this or not?"
"Not if you're going to know what I'm actually saying! You'll just hold it over my head later in life." His stony face seemed to soften a little at my words.
"Dick . . . I . . . Just because I'm not your real father . . . and I'm harsh at times . . . I know that, I was just trying to . . . what I mean is . . ." The great and powerful Bruce Wayne, the silent and serious Batman, was at a loss for words. And yet, I knew exactly what I meant. I didn't expect a hug or anything, but he was trying to express a fatherly love. And it was comforting me while making the both of us uncomfortable at the same time. That wasn't complicated at all.
"I know," I said, quickly, saving him. "Thanks."
He sat back and made himself comfortable, which was my invitation to begin my life story as a Teen Titan, the next chapter of my life which he wasn't a part of.
I told him my mixed frustration and elation at being a team leader, always being the one in charge and the one others turn to for answers when there's trouble. He understood that, of course, because that's what he was to me. I explained my tendency to become obsessive when it came to "business", and my fear of messing up. I talked about what it was like to live with a bunch of teenagers, which Bruce definitely could not relate to, and how important my friends were to me, even though I didn't necessarily express that fact.
And that brought me to Starfire.
"I don't know where to start," I admitted. "I think . . . I think that I love her. Actually, I feel like I know that I love her, but I've never really had experience with, you know, love, so I can't be sure. What I am sure about is that she's definitely special, and I love to be around her, and she makes me feel a happiness that I didn't really know was possible. I know that I'd give my life for her, I'd do anything for her, and I feel like I would die if she didn't feel the same way. I want to believe that she does, and I think she has sent signals that say she does, but people act differently on her home planet, and that may be how she treats everyone. She loves everyone, that's for sure. She has such a big heart. And I know I have a place in it, but I don't know if it's a special place, like she has in mine. I know it sounds cliche and ridiculous and childish, but I don't know what I'd do without her. She's on my mind constantly."
My fists tightened as my next thoughts and feelings came tumbling out of my mouth.
"And that's not good. It's not good for me, or for her, or for the team. Sometimes I can't concentrate, and can you imagine what would happen if I was thinking of her and I messed up on a mission because of it? If I can't stop thinking about her now, I can't imagine what it would be like if I was actually with her. I would be so caught up in our relationship and my happiness that everything else would lose importance to me. And that can't happen. It just can't."
My anger towards myself turned to sadness, and my voice softened. As I spoke, I began to feel hopeless.
"And that's why a relationship can never happen between us. Not that it would, anyway. She could never see anything in me. I don't deserve someone as wonderful and extraordinary as her." Bruce interrupted me for the first time at that.
"Why do you say that?"
"What?"
"Why wouldn't she see something in you? Why don't you deserve her?" Why was he asking such stupid questions?
"Why? Because she's the most loving, caring, compassionate, selfless, warm-hearted person you've ever met. She so pure and innocent and good, she would never wrong anyone. I, on the other hand, I've wronged many people. I'm selfish and obsessive, I lack respect for other people's feelings, and I . . ."
"Have saved many people," Bruce cut in. "Don't make yourself out to be a bad person, Dick, when you have no right to. There are others far worse than you who don't even realize it."
"She deserves better than me," I said, sadly.
"From how you describe her, it sounds like she deserves what she wants," Bruce told me, a kind look on his face. "I believe it's her own personal right to decide what she deserves and what she doesn't."
"Bruce . . ."
"Dick, listen to me. If I've never given you advice before, let me start now, and if you've never listened to me before, let you start now, for this is important. Don't make the same mistake I did." At his words, Diana appeared beside him, dressed regularly. Bruce was no longer sitting in his chair; it was gone, and he was standing next to her. She attempted to slip an arm around him lovingly, but he turned away, and all at once they were no longer Bruce and Diana, but Batman and Wonder Woman, serious and business-like. Batman's face was grim and showed no feeling, but distress and pain was clear on Wonder Woman's features. She disappeared, and Batman was back to being Bruce, sitting in his easy chair and sipping wine from his glass.
I blinked, because it had all happened so fast, but I understood it. Diana had reached out to him, and though he loved her as much as she loved him, he chose obligation over his heart. And it had broken both Diana and himself.
I could see his emotionless face showing regret now, and my heart ached for him, for Diana, and for myself and Starfire. Now there was another show, only this time, I played a part, and Bruce watched. The Mistake replayed once more for him, and for me, too. When it was over, Starfire flew away like she had before. I reached out my arms for her, but she was gone.
Then I was back in my chair, facing Bruce. We kept solid eye contact until my eyes burned and I had to blink. The moment my eyes fluttered shut, Bruce spoke once more.
"It's not too late." His voice was soft yet serious, and I knew that he meant what he was saying. "You may not believe it, but you deserve happiness. So does Starfire. Luckily, you both need the same thing to be happy. Each other."
"How can you be . . ."
"Trust me," he said. "I made my mistake, and I never corrected it. You still have a chance to correct yours." He stood, and I stood, and we looked at each other for a moment. Normally, this situation would call for a hug. But that wasn't Bruce, and that wasn't me.
Finally, we settled on a handshake.
"Thank you," I said, sincerely. "And, Bruce . . . it's not too late for you either." He looked at me, surprised, and then a smile graced his normally stony features.
"Maybe not," he said. "Maybe not."
The last thing I saw of my white subconscious was Bruce walking away from me, his arm wrapped around Diana's waist, both of them talking and laughing and smiling and in love. I smiled too, and with that, the white began to fade away.
I opened my eyes.
So that was some longness.Sorry if you got bored with it, once I started, I just couldn't stop. There was so much I could do with this chapter, I was really excited about it because it finally brought out the point of the title and it was just so fun to write it. I love getting inside Robin's head, and I think the part that I got carried away with the most was when he was talking about Starfire. I just took that and ran. I stayed up until 1 AM typing this because I didn't want to stop. This might be the longest chapter I've ever written, but then again, maybe not. Six pages on Word, though . . . I'm tired now. Hope you guys liked reading it as much as I liked writing it.
Who's excited about tonight's episode? I think it's hilarious that Beast Boy's going to work at this meat restaurant. But I'm depressed because next week they're NOT showing the new episode that I was thinking was going to be all RobStar fluffy . . . they're showing Bunny Raven again. Sigh.
TtitansFan-Yes, Star killed Kendrick by shooting a starbolt at him, but I won't describe it exactly, because I really don't believe in Star being a killer. Basically, the energy of the starbolt took all the energy of Kendrick and destroyed it, which destroyed him. And Star will be fine, don't worry. She's just tired. You would be too, if you were saving the world!
KoriStarMoon- lol Nope, I never knew. I don't really search the internet or anything, so I've never gone to any sites or message boards or anything like that. I'll have to check it out some time, though.
Jadedea- Aww, thanks, I appreciate that. I think it'd be pretty cool if they made an episode out of this too...sigh.
JulesFire- How do I even respond to your review? I loved it SO MUCH. I mean, all your reviews have really inspired me to keep writing, but this one...it just made me feel really appreciated, like maybe I know what I'm doing. The part that was your favorite part was mine too, because I really felt that I had captured the thoughts of a person who has just realized that they've been stabbed and that they're (probably) going to die. So thank you soo much, I can't even tell you how much your review meant to me to know that I had been successful in Robin's thoughts, relaying Star's past, Star killing (which I was really dreading, because I don't think she's a killer either and I knew that she would have to do it because it was her battle but the girl just isn't a cruel person) and just the entire chapter. Thank you! 3
Babie A- lol Yes, I was thinking this story would be shorter than it is, but obviously not. Right now I'm writing the 24th chapter, and I think that including the epilogue we have about three more chapters to go. I think. Right now I'm just following whatever leads the story gives me, because new ideas pop up in my mind constantly. But I don't think it will be too much longer, because we're wrapping up about now with the reunion around the corner.
kingcakeluva- Yes, the Psions were the ones who kidnapped her and her sister and performed many experiments on them using sunlight. The full explanation/story will come out when Star talks to Robin about it.
Princess Starfire of Tamaran- As you probably now know, thanks to this chapter, the white was his subconscious, not her dress. It was just endless white space. Also, it's true about the whole mind bond that Robin and Raven share, but still, if they're going to throw all these moments in there for those two, they need to have more for Robin and Star. Because they just do. lol
Alright, that's all for me. I'm going to go eat because I'm hungry. But I want lots of the reviews because they make the world go round.
Blair
