Notes: To Natter, with affection and thanks. She requested the work, and here it is.
Sam ducked another staff blast, trying to get lower against the rock she was hiding behind. The alkesh orbiting overhead made another pass, bombing runs growing ever closer to the SGC soldiers on the ground. Teal'c was far off to her right, holding down the bulk of the enemy. Around him, volunteer airmen fought for their very lives as they took the brunt of the assault. These men and women were MPs, cooks, armorers and other irregulars scrambled on short notice for the mission. None the less, they fought with remarkable tenacity.
Sam cleared a jam from her SCAR quickly. The Tau'ri force was nearing the point of collapse. She mentally urged Dr. Frasier on, and tried to ignore the panicked chatter of her radio. It was helpful, seeing her rifle literally putting fist-sized holes in jaffa, but it wasn't enough. Her ammo wouldn't last forever. They were pinned, and over stretched. She kept looking to her left, looking for Jack. She spotted him over by Dixon, handing over a few magazines and yelling to him. An explosion roared to her right, near Teal'c. He was a frenzy of destruction, fighting with a desperation she had never seen. The situation was bad, and getting worse by the minute. Sam crouched in a run, inching closer to the Colonel. No matter where she was, she always felt safer around him. Protected.
The 10-33 band flared up, overriding all the normal traffic on her radio.
"Colonel, I need more time to stabilize."
It was Janet, and she was barely keeping the panic under control. Sam could hear it in her voice. The background was filled with static and gunfire, coming over the radio. Sam needed to help her friend, she knew that she couldn't from the exposed field they were pinned down in. The SG teams needed to regroup. She looked to the Colonel. Everyone was fighting for their lives, but he was their leader. They needed out, now. And it came down to one person to bring salvation, the same person that always brought relief and freedom and security to her life.
"Sir!"she called out, trying to suppress a jaffa column moving towards Jack, "We HAVE to fall back!"
It was hard keeping her eyes on what was going on. The cacophony was incredible- explosions from gliders, alkesh, grenades, and rockets; the din of automatic gunfire; shouted commands and warnings; the staff blasts and yells in Go'auld all combined around her. She kept down the urge to run over to Jack, put her head in his lap and wish it all away. She had to help Janet. But she couldn't help but glance at Jack every seconds...until it happened.
He was standing, starting to advance when a staff blast flew past her, a near miss. She turned to watch it take the Colonel in the chest, outright punching him off his feet. He went down, not moving. His vest smoldered at the edges, and the charred flesh was visible. Dixon took command immediately. She was up and yelling before she knew what she was doing, memories flashing in front of her eyes.
She remembered that first twinge, watching another woman kiss Jack. Rather, not another woman...herself. It seemed so right. So natural. But she turned away. She couldn't accept it. She looked down, seeing the scorched crater in Jack's flesh. Carter tore off his chest, screamed for a medic. The alkesh overhead dropped another payload dangerously close to her, but she ignored it. All that mattered was Jack.
She leaned down, putting her ear down near his lips. She watched four airmen dash past her, with two forms on stretchers. The perimeter was collapsing. She was still screaming for a medic. His eyes were closed now. She couldn't feel anything. She remembered losing him for three months, how much she had missed him. How much she had worked to get him back after the Stargate had been buried. The panic was growing.
He wasn't breathing. He wasn't breathing. Carter struggled with the fact, trying to comprehend. She...he...she had to save him. Bring him back. Bring him back again. She had done it before, forced her love move her to superhuman feats. CPR. CPR. She began compressions, steady and firm above the wound. Watching his chest move...it reminded her of Sokar's prison-planet. Reminded her of watching him as he suffered from his knee wound, slowly breathing. Tears were in her eyes now, remembering his suffering. He had tried to protect her then, and paid dearly for it.
Then, the medic was there, took over compression. He struggled to breathe life into him, almost that long coveted kiss. She remembered wearing that armband, coming so close to kissing him in that bar. Then...
"Sir, just GO!"
Begging him to leave her behind. He wouldn't, she couldn't. She remembered the look in those brown eyes of his. They were closed now, as she struggled to get him breathing. All that affection, defiance. She had looked into those eyes, seen into his soul.
"NO!"
Defiance, love... he would have laid down his life for her. She knew, in that instant, that if she died, he would too. He would stand there, and he would let that jaffa kill him. She begged him silently, pleaded with him. The concept of him dying cored to her very soul, and she realized that she loved him. It hurt her. But looking at him, she realized that he hurt just as much. More so. His love was unconditional, and in that instant, she knew it.
They were through the Gate now, and she didn't know how. She was giving him AR, tears streaming down her face. A paramedic pushed her away, took over. She stood there as airmen and wounded streamed past and around her. Someone took away her rifle. An airman looked her over, making sure she was okay. She wandered, following Jack's gurney. She was lost. She was lost in her own thoughts. She remembered the nights under the 'ice', staring at him as he slept. Even as someone else, she still loved him. She remembered the honesty in his eyes, the facts staring the Thera-self straight in the face. It was so utterly simple:
"I love you, and I always will."
She shoved away Bregman's camera, shouting, stumbling. She managed to get to her quarters before completely breaking down. She managed to get herself out of her combats, her webbing, stumble into the shower still thinking about Jack. The ice-cold water hit her like a slap in the face. She remembered, lost...both she and Jack, facing certain death. Underwater, drowning in the mothership. Their hands intertwined, they prepared to breathe their last. There was so much she wanted to tell him, as consciousness started to fade. She remembered the look she gave him. It was just like the one when she was trapped- he was willing to die for her without question. She couldn't bear the thought of life without him.
She got out of the shower, dried herself off and dressed. She couldn't concentrate, she had to be there, be by his side. He had always been at her side, no matter what. People moved out of her way with whispered platitudes, but she wasn't listening their voices mingled into Jack's. Jack's words, strapped into that chair, as he was tested by Anise. Those words had meant everything she dreamt of was true...and her world was going to collapse around her. A panic, a bad decision later, and she sacrificed their relationship on the altar of work. The instant she told him, she saw a part of him die. She regretted that for years. She would have given anything to take back that discussion...but she couldn't now. She didn't even know if he was still alive.
She held his hand in the infirmary for an hour, watching him breathe. She tried to work up the courage to tell him. To tell him it was a mistake. To say it was all her fault. To tell him to hold her again, to make everything better. When Nirrti had changed her, she only wanted one thing. She didn't want to live, she didn't want the pain to stop. She just wanted Jack to hold her. She would die happy if she was in his arms. She couldn't quite muster the strength to tell him, but Carter knew. She knew that Jack knew.
After the destruction of the Alpha Site, she wanted to tell him. She meant to. She was going to, but she was to tired, had so much work...excuses. She had excuses not to face the man she loved. Excuses not to take a ten minute break, walk up to him and say three little words to his face. Instead, she just held onto him that day. She held him like she wanted to now, like she always wanted to. He looked so peaceful. A hand suddenly squeezed her shoulder, and she looked up to see Daniel, and it looked like he had been crying...
She knocked gently at his door, a few hours later.
"Hey sir. Heard you up and around," she called out quietly.
I almost lost you today.
"Yeah ... err. Still a little tender but they said I could go home."
His eyes hid everything. He didn't want to talk, but she had to tell him. He was hurt and on the run. His eyes were cold, featureless. She couldn't see beneath the surface.
"We're lucky that staff blast hit you where it did. That new vest inserts works well."
I don't know what I would have done without you.
His hand went to his ribs. "Didn't help Fraiser much."
I would have died inside. She winced at the mention of her best friend. The loss hit Carter hard.
"No," she replied, sucking in a breath and looking at her feet. He wasn't making this easy.
"How's Cassie?"
I need you now more than ever.
"She's a strong kid, she survives ... you know," Carter said. O'Neill always had an affinity for the girl. Sometimes, she caught herself fantasizing they were a family.
"Yeah...you speaking at the memorial?"
Don't ever leave me.
"Sir..."
I love you.
"I ..."
I love you more than anything else in the world.
"I just wanted to say..."
I love you more than life itself. I want to be with you.
"When you were lying there I..."
I didn't think I could go on. I don't want to live in a world without you.
He stared as her for a minute, his facade starting to break down. The walls in his eyes cracked and crumbled, revealing the pain from the loss of a friend. Yes, the love was there. Yes, the loyalty, the friendship, the desire... but now was not the time.
"C'mere."
She melted into his arms. There was solace there. she wept for her friend, for her man. She wept for herself. It felt right to be in his arms. She wished she would never leave. She had almost lost him. She promised herself she would tell him right after the service...
