Title: No Hard Feelings

Chapter Four

By: LizD

Written November 2003

With Love and thanks to the cast, crew and creators of JAG.

No Hard Feelings

1238 EST – JAG Headquarters – Falls Church, VA

Harm had given his opening arguments and called the first of two witnesses. It was going well and he should be able to rest his case in the afternoon. Mattoni was defending. Ham knew that when he rested, Mattoni would ask for a continuance. It was a bad strategy, but Mattoni would rarely listen to reason when Harm was involved – usually to his client's detriment.

Harm had just stepped out of the courtroom for lunch when Coates approached him. The admiral wanted him and Mac in the office ASAP. Mac was already in her office when Harm arrived looking for her.

"Mac?" He said softly.

She was on the phone. She looked up and put a finger in the air to indicate that she needed a moment.

He wasn't sure what kind of reception he would get from her. It wasn't really a fight this morning, it was a banter session, but she appeared to be growing tired of the same old banter and, if push came to shove, he would have to admit that he was too (even though he started it 75 of the time). Bantering with Mac outside the courtroom kept him sharp and on his toes and there was an element of fun. Mostly it kept them connected – if not in love in aggravation, but after all these years it did seem to be wearing a little thin. Maybe she was right in Paraguay. Maybe the need to win, beat, best – be on top of – the other both physically and emotionally would always be at the heart of any relationship they had. So it was probably best to not take it down 'that' road where real regrettable, unforgettable, unforgivable damage would be done. Better to leave things as they were – banter and all.

He meant what he said. He was sorry – sorry for her. He still wasn't quite sure what happened between Mac and Webb, but he was sure that she deserved better from Webb, from men in general and probably from him as well – but he couldn't really put a finger on anything he had done 'wrong.'

She hung up and her slight smile let him know that this morning had been forgotten or at least was going to be ignored. "Mac, you ready?"

"What does the admiral want to see us about?" She asked.

"Not sure."

Standing at attention in front of the admiral they were interrogated, dressed down and pretty much belittled about the 'training session' they had at Quantico the night before. The damage was surveyed – at least the most obvious damage. The admiral was not amused and apparently the base commander at Quantico was not either. Military training facilities are not a playground and were not to be used as a therapy session, they were told in so many words. In the future if they want to 'go head-to-head' they should join a gym and battle it out in a ring where civilized people do it – and keep the U.S. Government out of it.

"Yes, sir." They echoed.

They were dismissed. Before they were able to get to the door, the admiral asked who won.

"The colonel – 8 out of 15." Harm said. He thought he saw a smile cross the admiral's face but dared not to mention it.

"That's where I would have put my money. Carry on."

When the door closed behind them they each shot each other a glance. It was too priceless. They laughed.

"Lunch?" He smiled.

"Can't." She snapped a little too defensively, then relenting she added, "I have some errands I need to run. Rain check?"

"Sure."

They limped out together oblivious to the entire JAG staff taking note.

1746 EST – JAG Headquarters – Falls Church, VA

Harm was cleaning off his desk for the night. He had gotten out of court a couple of hours ago with the continuance requested by Mattoni. Harm was not on top of his game that day so he did not fight the continuance as vigorously as he would have. He was also confident that the case was already won so let Mattoni have his posturing.

The phone rang.

"Rabb - - - Admiral Boone, how are you, sir? - - - Very well thank you. - - - Yes, sir. We should do that soon. What can I do for you, sir? - - - Your niece? - - - Tonight? - - - Where? - - - Yes, sir. It would be an honor. - - - I will pick her up at eight. - - - Here? - - - When? - - - Yes, sir. Of course. - - - Thank you, sir."

Harm hung up and threw himself back in the chair and closed his eyes. All he wanted to do was go home and lay low. Between what was going on with Mac, the paintball fallout and court that day – he was ready to shut it down for at least twelve hours. But now he had to take Admiral Boone's niece to some congressional reception that evening. Which meant his dress whites, bad champagne, dancing and being pleasant to a woman he had never met before. Sometimes he wished he were not so 'good' at events like this; that he was not such a 'safe date,' a 'presentable escort' for relatives of admirals.

He checked his watch. He didn't have time to go home and change before – he checked his notes – Deirdre Norman was set to arrive at JAG. He would have to stop on the way, which meant bringing her into his house. The whole discussion of his renovation – blah, blah, blah. God – he hated this. Maybe he could get Bud to go pick up his uniform. No, Bud was still in court with Mac.

"Hey." Mac's voice brought him back to current. "You awake?"

He looked up. Mac looked different – not like the friend, partner and sometime adversary he knew inside out, but like a beautiful exotic creature that he would want to know intimately. There were times when he looked at her he did not see the uniform, the fine legal mind and the razor sharp tongue of hers. He saw an alluring, fascinating, necessary woman – a complete woman – not just the sum of her parts. The feeling only lasted a moment, but it was not the first time he had it and it always left him a little on guard.

"Harm?"

"I am." He managed to spit out. "How was court?"

"We won." She said with a cocky air.

"Not surprised."

"You?"

"Mattoni got his continuance."

"Not surprised. You weren't prepared for that?"

"I was. I just didn't care. The case is in the bag; he is just wasting my time and the courts. The judge won't be happy. The worst part of course is that he is giving his client false hope that he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, which means he won't consider the deal."

"Not your kind of lawyering."

"Not yours either."

"Maybe we should try all cases." She smiled. "Rotate prosecuting and defending duties."

"Eternal adversaries? Seems appropriate." He smiled back.

"We'd do well for the service."

"We could certainly clean up the navy and the marines."

"Would we need a judge?"

"Only for show."

"I think we ought to take it to Chegwidden."

"Oh, yeah. That's an idea long over due." He smiled at her. "How's the ankle."

"Good." She leaned on it and did not show any signs of pain.

"Must have been the expert medical treatment you got."

"Must have been."

She had not said anything nasty to him yet. "You are in a very good mood."

"I am. Winning makes me very generous with the world."

"Me included?"

"When I have a mind to. And I have a mind to order pizza and rent a movie – you up for it?"

"Is this an apology?"

"Do I need to apologize for something?"

He smiled. "No – just thought maybe." He looked away. "You need a ride home, don't you?"

"I could call a taxi."

"Don't I owe you a dinner?"

"We are going to wait until it can be done right."

"You mean cost me a chunk of change."

"That too." She smiled.

"Ok. So tonight is on you. What movie?"

"We are not watching Top Gun again." She laughed.

"Ha. What movie?"

"Maybe something old. 'His Girl Friday', 'Brining Up Baby', 'Philadelphia Story.'"

"Something with Cary Grant apparently."

"You know me and tall, dark, handsome men."

"Careful Mac, you are getting dangerously close to giving me a compliment."

"I'll be more careful." She cocked her head. "So are you up for it?"

"Sure. I get to order the pizza."

"We'll get two."

Harm looked down at his desk and saw the notes he took from Boone. "Oh, no. Mac, I'm sorry I can't do it tonight. Can I have a rain check?"

She looked disappointed. "Sure, I guess. We keep passing it back and forth."

"Bad timing."

"Have a hot date?"

"Actually, yes – well yes and no. I am taking Admiral Boone's niece to some congressional reception."

"That sounds dry at toast." He nodded. "Have you ever met the niece before?"

"Don't have to. They are all the same."

"That is a little presumptuous – even for you."

"No, not really. They are always young – too young and in awe of the uniform, but violently liberal. They have an NPR knowledge of politics and the role of the military and use me as an example of how dysfunctional the system is in the United States. How could I – such a good and decent man – possibly consider serving my country so loyally and with such risk to my own personal safety when there is so much wrong with it? Doesn't my government owe me – and the thousands like me more? Then, of course, there is the breakdown of the ribbons and medals and lots of gushing and shaking of the head over each one. And the incessant giggling and pawing. It is ludicrous. It is like going out with Dr. Jekel and Miss Hyde."

Mac laughed. His arrogance at times knows few bounds. "So why go?"

"When an admiral makes a 'special request'?"

"Enough said. Well, with any luck she might be nice to look at."

"I am not counting on it."

Just then Coates entered and told Harm that a Ms Norman was up in the bullpen looking for him.

"Let the giggling begin." He said as he stood up. "Sorry, about tonight. Looks like you get Cary Grant all to yourself."

"Might fall back on plan B."

"B?"

"Actually I guess it was plan A. Still have the pint of Ben and Jerry's and a hot water heater begging to be drained."

"I envy you."

He preceded her to the bullpen. There was a drop dead gorgeous leggy blonde woman waiting for him. She was not the fresh young co-ed Harm was expecting; in fact she was very close to his age. She turned and flashed him a smile that made him go weak in the knees.

"Still envy me?" Mac whispered to him.

The woman walked up to Harm put out her hand to shake. "I am Deirdre Norman, Tom Boone is my uncle."

"It is a pleasure to meet you." He said still a little stunned.

"I am sorry to put you in this position, Commander."

"Please, call me Harm."

"Harm, I am obligated to go to this reception – work related – and the 'safe date' I had, came down with the flu."

"That is quite alright Miss Norman. I had no plans this evening." Mac cleared her throat. Harm remembered his manners. "I'm sorry. Deirdre Norman, Colonel Sarah MacKenzie."

The women shook hands and exchanged greetings.

"So Miss Norman - ."

"Deirdre, please." She corrected Mac.

"Deirdre, what is it that you do?"

"I am a lobbyist for Northrop Grumman."

Harm's eyes lit up. "Northrop Grumman? They built the F-14."

"One and the same." She smiled. "Yes, Uncle Tom told me you are a pilot."

Mac smiled. She knew Harm's night was made. It was hard to get a word in edgewise after that, but Mac excused herself anyway. Now a little more disappointed that the evening turned out as it did but trying to be generous in the knowledge that Harm would have a great time. Her generosity failed when she saw Harm escort Deirdre out of the bullpen without a glance back. She might need to pick up another pint - Cherry Garcia or Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough - no wait - Karamel Sutra. That ought to solve all kinds of issues or create a few more.

1823 EST – Congressional Reception for Military Appropriations

Harm and Deirdre walked in. The evening was going far better than he expected. He and Deirdre were perfectly matched. They had similar interests and agreed about everything from politics to wine to cars to music. It was amazing to him that he could be that in sync with anyone, much less a woman. The fact that they were rapidly running out of topics to agree on, had not occurred to Harm yet. He was focusing on her smile, her eyes and ease with which their conversation moved from one topic to another. While she was hardly flirting with him, she did find him funny and laughed at his jokes. He was already making mental notes about where to take her on their second date.

He hadn't forgotten about Mac, he just didn't remember. Isn't that Harm to a tee?

The first person that Harm recognized was Webb. He was off in the corner in a private conversation with two very congressional looking people and his mother (we don't want to know exactly how close Webb and his mother really are.) Eventually their eyes met. They regarded each other with silent scorn.

The next person they met threw Harm for a loop and destroyed all his fantasy plans for the future. They ran into Captain Lance Norman – Deirdre's husband of fifteen years. He was tall – as tall as Harm – and blonde and blue eyed. He and Deirdre looked like Barbie and Ken when they stood up next to each other. The captain was not expected to be in Washington (hence the reason for her needing an escort) but was able to make some adjustments and viola – he was there. Now Harm was unnecessary.

Although invited to stay and join them for a late supper, Harm felt like a third wheel and excused himself. Before he reached the car a familiar voice, one he hoped he would not deal with for a while stopped him.

"You destroy everything you touch." Webb said. "You are going to destroy Sarah too?"

Harm was not in the mood. He turned and glared at him. "I have kept her safer than you have?"

"You are pretty proud of yourself aren't you?"

"At times."

"Let her go Harm. Let her be happy."

"I have no hold over Mac, she told you that herself."

"I know what she told me – and I know the truth."

"She gave up you because of you – I had nothing to do with it."

"Does believing that help you sleep at night?"

"What the hell are you taking about Webb?"

I won't subject you to the pissing contest that followed. It would be hard to glean anything from the words they said to each other. But for the benefit of the readers and not the players I will tell you exactly what Mac gave up and the truth of where the reasons lie. Webb of course talked unchecked because he assumed that Rabb was in the loop on this. Not very spy-like, but he was a man with a broken heart. You see, Webb asked Mac to marry him. She said no. That will be about all that Harm will get out of Webb (particularly because he had to pretend like he knew more than he did). But what he didn't expect was that Webb would blame it on Harm. It was Harm's fault that Mac lost another chance at happiness. Men will be men and women get to watch.

Is that enough for you, dear reader? No?

OK. The real story – soup to nuts – is this: After Paraguay and Webb got out of the hospital, Mac and he spent a lot time together – dinners, lunches, he brought her home to meet his mother. Harm was out of the picture as he was flying for the CIA and not anywhere to be found. Webb did not talk about him and Mac did not ask. During that time, Mac and Webb often talked about their relationship – past and present. Webb again confessed that he loved her. She responded in kind. Webb asked about Harm. Mac responded that her feelings for Harm were complicated – at best – but that there would never be anything more between them. They had come to an agreement in Paraguay. This gave Webb hope. They continued to date – nothing more serious than dating and an occasional kiss good night.

About the time that Harm was being asked by the admiral to come back to JAG, Webb asked Mac to marry him. It was very romantic and very sweet, but Mac had no intention of marrying a man like Clayton Webb. Her reasons were very rational: she would not marry and have a family with a man whose profession was so erratic, dangerous and top secret. How could she possible hope for some semblance of normalcy with a man who could disappear at any moment, lie to her and be lost with no explanation? How could she explain that life to her children? That was the practical reason. The other issue was that she was not IN LOVE with Clay. She loved him. She cared about him. She enjoyed his company to a degree, but that was all. She did not want to be with him 24/7 (when he was around long enough). She told Webb this and he offered to give up his job – or at least the foreign assignment portion of his job. She refused. She never again would ask or expect a man to give up anything of him self for her.

Things got a little strained after that but they were working through it. Then Harm came back. Webb felt that Mac was now colder to him, more distant. He felt her pulling away. The night of the paintball party he called Mac and gave her an ultimatum – marry him or it was over between them. Well, you can imagine how Mac reacted. That was the hurricane that Harm heard. Of course Webb ignored all the practical reasons for Mac's refusal and attributed it to her unresolved feelings for Harm. That was the nail in Webb's coffin. The phone was slammed down in his ear, and when he showed up at her apartment that night, he was not welcome and treated to more of the same. The fact that Harm and Mac came limping up the hall together was more fodder for Webb, and yes he tried to use it in his argument. Sadly, Webb cut off his own nose to spite his face. Now who's the fool? Mac and Webb were over.

So, now gentle reader – now that you know Mac's side of the story – can you see why she might have arrived for work a little annoyed and why Harm might be a likely target for her "bitchiness"? Again, she had to take care of herself and could trust no one to respect her decisions at face value. It gets very lonely for a single woman over thirty particularly when surround by arrogant men.

So now what did Harm do? All dressed up and no place to go. He was released from his obligations for the evening. He had information that he knew Mac did not want him to have. He had no idea how he felt about what he was told, but Webb's accusation weighed heavily on him. Was he really ruining her life? Did he really have that much influence in her decisions? He couldn't believe it, but a part of him – that gigantic ego sized part of him - did. A rational, reasonable, normal adult man would have gone home and trusted that Mac was an adult woman with her own mind and could make her own decisions. As Mac's friend – best friend and self-appointed 'big brother,' he should have gone home.

He went home. He changed. He paced.

2034 EST – MacKenzie Residence, Georgetown, VA

He didn't stay home.

Mac was just getting out of the bathtub when the knock came to the door. She slicked her hair back and put on her big fluffy robe. She looked through the peephole and was shocked to see Harm. She half expected Webb. She thought that she would have to have at least one more round with Webb before he would finally take NO for her answer. But Harm? No way. He was out on a date with the woman of his dreams. She couldn't have been more perfect for him if he had order her from a catalogue. Mac didn't expect to see Harm for days – weeks. She smiled and opened the door.

"So what happened to Ms. Right?" She asked.

"MRS. Right." He corrected. "Mr. Right showed up."

"Damn, ain't it always the way?" She stepped back and let him in. "All the good ones are taken."

"Not all of them." He said too softly. "I took a chance that you chose plan A and have not eaten yet."

"Not yet."

"Pizza?" He pulled out his cell phone. She nodded. "What do you want on yours?"

"Italian sausage and Pepperoni."

"Do you know what they put in sausage and pepperoni?"

"Harm!" She scolded and nodded to the bedroom. She was going to change into sweats.

He ordered two – one for her and one for him.

When she came back he was looking out the window. "So what do we do now?" She asked slightly amused at having him in her apartment. "I didn't get the movie."

"We could talk."

"You want to talk?" She was suspicious.

"Yeah, we never talk any more."

"There is a reason for that."

"There is a reason for everything."

"I would agree with that."

"Sometimes there is more than one reason."

"OK."

"And sometimes there only appears to be more than one reason, when one reason really is not a reason at all – it is just someone else's impression of what the real reason is."

"How much have you had to drink?"

He shook his head. "Or maybe what is stated as NOT the real reason, really is the real reason."

"What are you talking about?"

"Never mind." He stayed quiet and she waited. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know. Work?"

"No, have had enough of that all day."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"We had fun last night didn't we?"

"Yeah." She was still suspicious. "You want to talk strategy?"

"No." He was unsure how he was going to lead the conversation to where he wanted it to go. "Do you ever think about where you'll be in thirty years?"

"I expect that I will be retired."

"Or how you'll get there."

"Harm?"

"Do you ever think about getting – well – you know – married?"

"What?"

"Married."

"To who?"

"Whoever."

"Do you?"

"Not lately." He shrugged. "Well, I guess lately - yeah."

"Really?" She was confused. "Where is this coming from?"

He laughed nervously. He couldn't believe he brought up marriage with Mac. "Remember that baby deal we made?" Oh, yeah. That's a much safer topic. "Coming up on the close of that deal."

"I think it is safe to assume that that contract is null and void." She stated flatly.

"Why do you say that?"

"Harm we can agree on a pizza to order, do you think we could agree on how to raise a child?"

"Pizzas are not kids."

"I rest my case."

"So you are backing out of the deal?"

She looked at him suspiciously. "In light of our recent past, I think it is a good idea that we don't pursue that course of action."

"So you have changed your mind, you don't want to get married and have kids."

"With you?"

"NO! With anyone."

"I never said that."

"If you keep turning down offers --."

"Turning down offers? Were you making me an offer?"

"No."

"What offer have I turned down - ?" It all of a sudden occurred to Mac that Harm knew something. "Rabb – tell me what you know." She demanded.

He was caught. "Webb was at the reception tonight."

"WHAT?"

"He thought I knew." Harm couldn't believe he was defending Webb.

"Even if you did, especially if you did , what right do you two have discussing this?"

"He thinks you turned him down because --."

"I know what he thinks."

"Is he wrong?"

"Harm, I have made my feelings perfectly clear. In Paraguay and here – nothing is going to happen between us. End of story."

"But you do have feelings for me?"

"Homicidal feelings most of the time." She was livid. "I can't believe this."

"You can understand why I want to know."

"No, Harm I can't."

"I don't want to be the reason -."

"GET OVER YOURSELF!" She snapped. "You say you are my friend and then you talk about me like I am --- I don't know what. Like I am some stupid girl who doesn't know her own mind."

"That is not true."

"Look, Harm – you need to come down on one side of the fence or the other and stick with it. You can't have it all – or you will wind up with nothing."

"What does that mean?"

"You say you are my friend, and then you throw out all this innuendo, double entrendre, comments that are not appropriate when talking to a friend."

"Like what?"

"Like sharing a bath? Like staying overnight to wrap my ankle? Should I go on?"

He shook his head. "I was just playing with you."

"It is not appropriate."

"You seemed to enjoy it." She shook her head. She really couldn't deny it. He got flustered. "I don't know how to be with you Mac." He blurted out. "You run hot and cold. It is enough to drive anyone crazy."

Mac remained on the offensive, even though she knew she was losing ground. "You need to get a handle on it. We agreed -"

"Actually we didn't – you made a statement."

"And you did not argue."

"So that's it?"

"That's it for that. We still work together and we still can have a version of a friendship, but until you get your feelings in check – it is going to continue to be a struggle."

"So, this is all on me."

"I didn't say that."

The doorbell rang. The pizza had arrived. Harm threw the door open, tossed forty dollars at the delivery man and walked past him down the hall. Leaving the pizza guy stunned.

Mac followed. "Where are you going?"

"Away from here."

"What about pizza?"

"Lost my appetite."

"Harm, don't leave mad."

"The only way I can leave you, Mac."

He stormed down the stairs. Mac looked at the delivery guy and shook her head.