Title: Old Friends
Chapter Two
By: LizD
Spoilers: Through End of Season 9
Written: June/July 2004
Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.
Old Friends - Chapter Two"I ruined it." Mac stated out loud with a resigned remorse. "I fired everything I had and blew my foot clean off. I obliterated any chance we had."
Dr. Gates Madden looked under the table at Mac's two perfectly intact feet and said, "Well your foot seems to be healing well" and laughed.
Mac was forced to smile but did not let go of her remorse. "I ruined it, pretty much like I ruin everything."
"You kissed him didn't you," Gates stated matter-of-factly. She was a woman Mac's age with a look of an old hippy about her – kind of free spirited, wild and full of too much of something, but clear eyed and wise.
Mac nodded sheepishly.
Gates shook her head at her old friend. Clearly she was not feeling the same level of dramatic tragedy as Mac was. In fact she was rather amused.
Mac and Gates had been best friends from second grade through high school. They were inseparable. Sadly they lost touch after Mac got married and never really caught back up with each other. Both of Gates parents had been doctors in the Navy. Her father was an internist and her mother was a shrink. Mac would often spend time at their house when things got too rough at home. Gates' father died about the same time as Mac's mother left which gave the girls a reason to act out. They had been drinking buddies through high school, but there was so much more to the two of them. They were a matched pair – one left and one right. Gates moved away when they were eighteen to live with her aunt in Pasadena – they had promised to stay in touch, but life got in the way.
Mac about dropped her teeth when Gates was introduced as the agency shrink who would do the final debrief. The whole day – couple of days – had accelerated out-of-control like some surreal speeding train with no one at the controls. Mac had been feeling impeding doom until she met the eyes of the only woman friend in the world who could bring her back down to reality. Mac immediately knew she was no longer alone and she would never lose contact with Gates again.
Mac was woken up on Saturday morning – the morning after she destroyed any chance she and Harm had – at 0516 by four agents pounding on her door. She had gotten almost no sleep that night but was still not awake enough to deal with them. The agents told her that she was expected at Langley but gave no reason. Mac knew the reason, they wanted to debrief her and find out what she knew about Clay's mission and anything else she could tell them that he might have let slip. They didn't know him very well. She was surprised that it took them this long to get around to her.
She was not allowed to make a phone call, leave a note or contact anyone in any way. If she needed to get a message through it would be done by one of the agents. As she dressed she thought about what she message she would have relayed to Harm.
"Mr. Rabb, Miss MacKenzie says she is sorry about kissing you last night and hopes that you will forgive her."
"Commander, the colonel is concerned about your eye and wanted to extend her deepest apology."
"Harm – she says 'don't hate her'."
Yeah, those would all go over well. No she would just have to handle it with Harm when she was released. The forced time apart might actually be better for them. I don't know who she was kidding, no one here believed that.
Two of the agents took her to Langley and the other two stayed behind to "clean" the apartment. Meaning that they were looking for anything Clay might have left behind of a classified nature. The apartment was a wreck after the night before. Normally, she would be embarrassed by the mess but this morning she just didn't give a rat's behind. Let them sift through the wreckage and make what they could of it.
She had been interviewed, questioned, interrogated, grilled, cross-examined from 0600 to 1600 – or there abouts – over ten hours - with only a few breaks for mother nature and when the agents did a shift change. They tried to trip her up, they tried to get her to lie, they tried to get her to tell them things that were none of their business. Her anger was the only thing that kept her strong. She was determined that Clay's legacy to her was not to break under the pressure of the CIA. That coupled with the fact that neither he nor she had done anything wrong was what kept her on track. She returned none of the questions, she did not get angry and she did not let on that she knew he was dead. But it was clearly understood by everyone in the room.
Finally Director Kershaw came in. Apologized for the 'debriefing' and told her that Webb was dead. He would give her no details but said that this interview was a necessary evil. Mac did not agree, but was grateful for it to be over. He said that the last thing before she could leave was to be check out by an agency shrink. Seems that these types of grillings and the loss of an agent on the family can have some sort of negative psychological effect. You think?
That's when Gates walked in. Mac recognized her right away but made no show of it until the other agents had left. If they had known that Gates and Mac were old friends, they never would have allowed Gates to do the final evaluation on Mac.
The two women caught up briefly but clearly Mac needed to get out of there. So they took care of business. They talked about her experience that day and her experience with Webb. Gates knew Webb. She was the shrink he spoke to after Paraguay. She had no idea that the 'Sarah' Webb spoke about was her old drinking buddy Mac MacKenzie. Gates hadn't put the two together until she was handed Mac's file that morning -- need to know and all.
Mac was actually dealing with Webb's death rather well. She understood her anger at him for letting her believe that he was going to Germany and was in no danger. She would have rather had him be honest with her. She was a big girl and can manage her own fears. She was handling the loss as well as could be expected, but when you never put too much stock in something, it is not such a great loss when it is gone. Mac knew that he might not come back – she just figured it would be sometime in the future that she would have to deal with that.
They discussed the relationship a little and Mac was firmly on the side of 'it was not going to last' or 'it was doomed from the beginning.' When Gates asked why it was doomed, the subject of Harm came up. Gates asked if that was what was really bothering her. Mac briefly told Gates about her relationship with Harm. Pretty much hitting the high – rather LOW points of the past eight years. All right, so it wasn't so 'brief' – there was a lot to cover. She finished with their discussion on the porch, his promise to always be there, her disclosure of her diagnosis and then alluded to her self-destructive behavior that followed.
"I ruined it, pretty much like I ruin everything." The pain in Mac's voice was palpable. "It was perfect and I ruined it."
Gates heard the pain, but still felt that Mac was overreacting. "You kissed him didn't you."
Mac nodded.
"And it wasn't an Aunt Myrna peck on the cheek?" Gates added.
Mac shook her head 'no'.
"Or a quick thanks-for-the-ride-home-sorry-you-have-to-be-leaving-so-soon?" She asked vainly though clearly still amused.
"No." Mac confirmed.
"You lip locked him." She grinned like she had found the last piece of the puzzle.
"Pretty much." Mac nodded.
"No the first time for you two."
"No – well it was the first time I initiated it." Mac corrected.
"So you deserve some credit for that." Gates offered.
Mac shook her head – there was no credit to be had.
"So your timing was a little off – sounds to me like that is SOP for you two." She smiled. "I am assuming this did not go over well."
"Hardly. At first, I think I surprised him." Mac looked away. "But then --."
"He put a stop to it." She stated like she was there.
"Rather abruptly."
"He got mad?" Gates was surprised. How many men would rudely stop a seduction from a woman like Mac?
"Yeah – kind of, but really he was not willing to …"
"Get carried away?"
"There was no where to get carried away to." Mac berated herself. "I was still recovering from the laparoscopy I had had. It was a stupid, thoughtless, selfish, emotional – I am an idiot. What the hell did I expect to happen?"
"Nothing wrong with a good gut feeling, Macky."
Mac gave her a 'puh-lease' look.
"So he put a stop to it – no HARM done." The doctor smiled. "Pardon the pun."
Mac laughed in spite of herself. She had missed her friend all these years and was freshly reminded of that fact.
"So." Gates changed tactics. "Good for him – a man with integrity. He won't take advantage of a vulnerable woman. Integrity – that is damn hard to find in this day and age and especially in this town."
Mac shrugged like it didn't matter what she had found because she had flushed it down the toilet.
"What? It is no big deal. You are not the first woman to seek comfort in the arms of a man. Nor are you the only woman who has ever confused sex and love." The woman sat forward. "I know for a fact this is not the first time you have."
"Gates." Mac got uncomfortable with this woman knowing so much about her.
"Come on Mac, I was at your wedding." Gates claimed. "That was lust."
"That is ancient history." Mac warned playfully.
"You were so drunk ---."
"Under control." Mac cut her off. "Everyday – it is under control."
"That's good." Then the shrink in her came out. "Do you feel like drinking? Do you still think about it everyday? After Harm left, did you want a drink?"
"No – No and not every day, but there were times when Clay would bring it into the house that I thought about it."
"Webb brought alcohol into your house? Did he NOT KNOW you were an alcoholic?"
"He knew I didn't drink."
Gates got mad. What a jerk Webb was for doing that. Mac was dealing with a lot of shit and there he was selfishly dealing with his own. Gates didn't like Webb. She didn't like him before she knew he was involved with her friend – but now she really didn't like him. If he weren't dead, she would have a few choice words for him.
"Isn't it a little inappropriate that you are doing this debrief since we are such OLD FRIENDS and all?" Mac teased.
"Do you want another doctor?" She asked sincerely.
"No." Mac affirmed.
"Good, back to the subject at hand --." Gates continued.
"I am not here to discuss my relationship with --." Mac started to get defensive.
"Do you need to talk any more about Webb?" Gates dropped into her doctor stance. "Seems to me like you are a little preoccupied at the moment with this Harm character." If truth were told, Gates didn't want to talk about Webb.
"That disaster is fresher in my mind, but with so many disasters to chose from …" Mac smiled.
"Let's take them one at a time."
"You are the best Gates."
"Don't worry sweet pea – you got eighteen years of my crap to sift through when we are done here."
"How are you?"
"I have been better and I have been worse – but we now we are not talking about me – save that for when we have more time." She smiled.
"You know I will."
"I know." Gates was also glad to have Mac back in her life. "So - last drama first, it is very natural. Your … your … your desire … your reactions … your actions. You were with a man you loved, he had promised things that you read about in fairy tales, the next logical step was to confirm your love … physically. The fact that you had lost your lover – a lover who kept you apart from the man you really wanted – days ago and hours before you were told that your God given gift to bring life into the word was not such a great gift – and I won't even get into all that Sadik/Paraguay shit – SO … you action were just ill timed."
"ILL TIMED?" Mac was amused that her friend could so blithely write it off – write that whole year off.
"It lends to the idea that you were looking for a little validation."
"Validation?"
"That you were still attractive, desirable – a woman who could ---."
"Get a man?" Mac stated caustically.
"My point is … you wanted validation that you were still attractive to THAT man in spite of all other crap. Hell with the dance you two had been doing since you met – I can certainly see why you might need some validation." She leaned in like she was telling Mac a secret. "This is not the end of the world."
"Oh no?"
"No." She leaned back in her chair. "So you call a spade a spade and you move on. It is not the death nail."
Mac stood and crossed over to the window – actually it was a two-way mirror. "Is there anyone in there?" Mac looked back at Gates.
"No." She stated clearly. "The only door in or out of that room is the one next to you. Open it and find out."
"Are you testing me?" Mac all of a sudden felt like she didn't know Gates at all.
Gates rose, crossed to the door and opened it. "No."
"I am sorry." Mac stated. "I guess I am still a little paranoid."
"Having been involved with the CIA in any way can tend to make anyone paranoid." She sat back down. "Trust me, I have been working for these lowlifes for fifteen years. I know all about paranoia – and let me tell you – just because you are paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't out to get you." She smirked.
Mac took a moment to really study her old friend. "It is good to see you Gates." Mac said earnestly.
"It is good to see you." She said back. "But let's finish this before we do the serious catching up."
"Is that my friend or the agency shirk talking."
"Your friend is a shrink who works for the agency – it would be hard to pick." She motioned for Mac to sit down. "So why do you think your indiscretion has ruined your relationship with Harm."
"If it had been a simple …what did you call it? An indiscretion – it might not have."
"Something happened after you kissed him." The doctor finished her thought.
"That was the beginning of the end." Mac shook her head at the memory she had been fighting to forget. "If I could turn back time."
There was a quick knock on the door and then a young agent poked his head in. "Dr. Madden, are you finished?"
"No." She glared at the young man.
"Well … um … I mean …" the man stammered. The doctor scared him more than his bosses.
"You need the room." The doctor stated.
"Yes and your report."
"There will be no report – Colonel MacKenzie's file is classified and will be reviewed on an as needed basis in my presence in my office – and you can tell Kershaw that personally."
The kid was stunned.
"Unless you are afraid to." The doctor challenged the young man.
Mac turned away and smiled. She knew her friend acting out for her benefit and she was sorry that Gates was taking it out on this poor kid. Still, she had missed her old friend. She had missed having a girl friend. Dr. Gates Madden was not only the right person in the right place at the right time – but Mac and she picked up like they had been apart for a day even though they had not seen each other in nearly eighteen years.
"The room is yours." The doctor stood up, gathered her stuff and blew past the confused looking kid/agent at the door. "Head 'em up Mac. My office is more comfortable anyway."
Mac followed along after her. She gave a quick look to the young man who was still befuddled by the entire scene. Mac's heart sunk. They – the company, the agency – would destroy another life. They would destroy this young man's life as they had Clay's and countless other people's lives. He would wind up a nameless star on the wall.
"Get out." Mac said softly to him. "Walk away while you still can. There is nothing that these people can offer you that is worth it."
"I want to serve my country." The young man said weakly.
"Join the marines, at least you will get to keep your integrity." She smiled at him warmly and walked away.
Come on Mac, let's go grab some dinner." Gates called from down the hall.
"Dinner? Is it really that late?" Mac had lost all sense of time. The last twenty-four, thirty-six hours had been … surreal at best.
Mac had told Gates that she needed to call Harm. She had no idea what she was going to say, but she knew that he had been trying to reach her all day and probably would be fit to be tied that she had not answered. (So you see – Mac knew in her heart that it was not OVER OVER … just derailed again.)
He didn't answer. She didn't leave a message.
They decided to order food in and stay in Gates' office until Mac was able to get a hold of Harm.
"So it didn't end with him suggesting that last night not be the night you two moved your relationship to the physical level, and safe embrace and him going home."
Mac shook her head.
"Did he go home?"
"Eventually - but he should have run screaming from the room right after I kissed him."
"I gather you didn't take the rejection well and got a little ... miffed?"
"Miffed? Yeah. You could say that - if you wanted to understate it."
"You yelled at him -- you spit some things at him that you wish you hadn't --- again this is not new to you two ... from what you have told me."
"Yeah - but it didn't stop there. It started with me just sending him home. He wouldn't go. He knew I was upset – he was upset - and wanted me to understand that he didn't reject me - he was respecting me - just like last time."
"Bet that lit a fuse."
"More like a case of dynamite. The calmer and more rational and more UNDERSTANDING he got - the louder, more irate, more irrational I got."
"It escalated?"
"It escalated. I don't ever remember when I was so out of control even when I was drinking. I don't expect he will ever forgive me - not after I nearly took out his eye."
"Wait ... wait ... it got physical?" Gates' interest in this became more serious.
"Oh yeah ... pretty close to everything that was not nailed down became a projectile weapon."
"You threw stuff at him?" She asked.
"I was so angry - I was in a blind rage. During some point I was trying to make, I accidentally knocked a lamp over, it felt good to break it -- so the cup, the glasses, pretty much anything that was not nailed down was thrown." Mac defended.
Gates looked at her.
"I wasn't throwing things at him as much as I was just throwing things. I wasn't trying to hit him - but he got in the way."
"Was he trying to restrain you?"
"NO - To his credit -- no."
"To his credit?"
"At least he knows me well enough to know that I shouldn't be touched when I am that angry. And who cares if I was breaking stuff -- it was stuff - MY STUFF - glasses, vases, whatever -- things - replaceable. Harm knows the difference between replaceable and irreplaceable."
"But one of those things hit the mark."
"Yeah." Mac knew the difference too and clocking him was not a something that could be replaced. "The picture of us in Afghanistan hit him right above the eye. He probably needed stitches. There was so much blood -- he was still in his mess dress uniform - he will never be able to get that cleaned."
"Mac -- screw the uniform - did he hit you back?"
"Are you kidding? Harm would never hit a woman - never, it is not in him - and especially not me. I even baited him - I tried to get him to hit me. The blood made me rabid. I heard shit coming out of my mouth that I had never thought before much less meant."
"Like what?"
"I don't remember." Mac remembered she was embarrassed.
"Did you call his masculinity into question?" Gates offered. "Suggest that he was a passionless, emasculated, impotent Ken Doll who was probably just as SMOOTH where it counts?"
"Jesus Gates!." Mac was appalled.
"Or that he needed the F14's, fast cars, and single life PROVE how much of a real man he was. The F14 - the ultimate PHALLIC SYMBOL for a man who has none of his own."
"Gates – my GOD!"
"Did you say that there was no way he could satisfy you and then start listing out all the men who could and did?"
"NO." Mac was shocked. "Jesus Gates - where did that come from?"
"Husband number three." She smiled. "Not one of my finest hours."
"Your third husband was a pilot?"
"No, he was sub sailor - you can imagine what a field day I had with that."
"It is no wonder the marriage didn't last."
"It lasted a long time after that scene -- so if you said anything like that - you too can be forgiven."
"Well it wasn't quite that bad, but I did fall back on to the old argument of his inability to commit and how quickly he loses interest and his NEED to be ON TOP."
"That is not such a bad thing, Mac." Gates smiled slyly.
Mac shook her head. "I also threw his need to play hero at him."
"Hero?" She asked. "Oh yeah, he saved your butt in Paraguay."
"One of many times he saved my butt - as he has saved countless others." Mac sighed. "I accused him of offering to be there for me through this 'new development' because it was just one more way he could play the self-sacrificing hero."
"He stood there and took all this?"
"Most of it. He was trying to reason with me - and there was no reasoning with me. He eventually fought back but mainly tried to calm down."
"Sounds like a real scene."
"You can say that again. I had a major melt down. You could even go so far as to say that I had a psychotic break and needed a rubber room and heavy does of ---"
"HALDOL ... and plenty of it." She laughed. "I am kidding, it sounds bad but it does not sound unrecoverable."
"That's it?" Mac scolded. "That is all you have to say to a woman who has been waiting for years for the man she is hopelessly in love with to finally step up to the plate -- but who has gone out of her way to keep the plate moving so much that he never stood a chance. And finally when it looked like there was nothing she could do to sabotage him from being the one she had wanted him to be - she breaks the plate - shatters it beyond recognition."
Gates looked confused by that diatribe. "OK - I say you f&$d up, girlfriend."
"Is that the psyciatric term?"
"Pretty much."
"Thanks a lot."
"Seriously - first thing you need to do is understand - I mean really understand why you need to be so self-destructive with the relationships in your life - and make some changes."
"So you are saying I need some couch time."
"Yeah -- you could use a few hours - but so do we all. But the more immediate thing is to apologize and see if you can make nice with Harm."
"How can I even ask that of him? After everything I have done to him…"
"Do you love him?"
"Yes." Mac stated clearly and for the record.
"Are you sure?"
"More than sure - there is no question about that."
"Then you need to tell him that and tell him you want to fix it." The doctor laughed. "Fix it? It was never in working order -- I say you both could use a little couch time."
"Couples therapy -- now that is a plan destine to be shot down."
"Does he love you?"
"He did."
"It is not a light switch Mac."
"I know."
"Then he will agree." She concluded. "Or at least he will agree to try to work it out."
Mac arrived at Harm's apartment sometime around 2130. She had called several times but there was no answer and she didn't leave a message. She tried his cell, but it had been turned off. She checked her home machine and apparently the 'cleaners' never plugged it back in. When her cell phone was returned to her – all her voice mail had been wiped out as well as the memory chip. She had lost her phone book. Damn the agency.
She knocked on the door. She had to knock five times before the door opened. Tom Johnson was standing there fresh from the shower.
"Can I help you?" He didn't recognize her out of uniform or with long hair.
"I am looking for Harm." She said weakly as panic set in. Why was Tom Johnson in Harm's apartment?
Just then Mattie's door opened with the blare from the TV set filling the hallway. "Mac?"
"Mattie?"
"Harm's gone." The young woman said angrily.
