Title: Old Friends

Chapter Four

By: LizD

Written: June/July 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

Old Friends - Chapter Four

Ship Ahoy

Will you always be there? YES

Do you love me the way I love you? NO

YES – NO – NO – YES – Which is it? Aren't those questions the same thing? Do they imply the same thing? Were these two ever going to be reading from the same book much less be on the same page? Yes? No? Maybe? I don't know? Who knows?

Immediately after Harm made his NO declaration, Jennifer came back with quarters for Harm. He was not able to explain himself. He finally admitted he was exhausted and left to get some sleep. Mac knew why he left – Harm doesn't do confrontation with her very well, at least not over stuff like that. Somewhere deep inside her she thought MORE TIME, but outwardly she was defeated.

She dug into the case. She had been working with Bud and was exchanging a ton of e-mails. Bud finally asked her to turn her AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) on. The e-mail was too slow. She did and they chatted about the case (in code) until Bud needed to leave to get the research done. He promised he would be back in a couple of hours.

Chloe was not online. The whole CHAT thing had been her idea. It was a good way to stay in touch. Sadly Mac could have used some of Chloe's youthful insight or just plain inane babble. She checked her other messages and nothing was non-work related. She needed to talk. For the first time in forever, Mac needed to CHAT with someone. Mac pulled out the card that Gates have given her and turned over to the back to review the hand written info. Opening a new window in AIM she took a chance:

From: MarColMac

To: Cerberus607

Gates? It is Mac. Is that you?

Mac waited. Nothing came back. There were at least 150 handles that Gates could have had that were not related to her e-mail address. She could e-mail her and ask. She thought about giving her a call, but there was nowhere private she could talk. Then up on her screen flashed:

Cerberus607: Mac? Damn you are good. How did you know?

MarColMac: It was either Cerberus or GatesofHell … took a chance

Cerberus607: And the 607?

MarColMac: Do you think I would ever forget June 7th? Please … a day that will live in infamy

Cerberus607: Some things never change … of course you should be TeqQueen86

MarColMac: The TQ is dead

Cerberus607: Long live MarColMac

MarColMac: So what are you doing?

Cerberus607: My question exactly. Where are you? Why didn't you just call?

MarColMac: Out of town.

Cerberus607: How did it go with THE HAMMER?

MarColMac: Not well

Cerberus607: Where are you?

MarColMac: Classified

Cerberus607: BITE ME

MarColMac: Sorry … Classified

Cerberus607: You know my clearance is higher than yours

MarColMac: And yet you still don't know where I am

Cerberus607: FINE … I don't need to know … just want to know if you are sleeping alone tonight

MarColMac: Oh yeah

Cerberus607: How bad was it?

MarColMac: Let's talk about something else

Cerberus607: Like what?

Cerberus607: Movies?

Cerberus607: Books?

Cerberus607: My love life … please … something with meat

MarColMac: Did I tell you that Harm was a vegetarian?

Cerberus607: DUMP HIM

MarColMac: Seriously … he doesn't eat meat

Cerberus607: SERIOUSLY … DUMP HIS ASS

Cerberus607: Don't trust a man who doesn't order his steak medium rare

MarColMac: What about SkyWriter … or SkyPilot … or

Cerberus607: SKYLAR … he was a VEGAN and I dumped his ass too

MarColMac: What a mouth on you … What are you doing working for THE COMPANY?

Cerberus607: Making a living.

MarColMac: Did you pull his file?

Cerberus607: Who's?

MarColMac: Harm's

Cerberus607: NO … I don't do that crap … that is what THEY do … damn spooks

MarColMac: Really?

Cerberus607: Really - COME ON, Mac

MarColMac: Come on what … I know how curious you are

Cerberus607: To learn from the original - not from a file written by someone who was probably never there … Head Shrinker? Hello?

MarColMac: Yeah Yeah

Cerberus607: So … what happened … where are you?

MarColMac: On assignment … out of the country

Cerberus607: GOD LOVE THE INTERNET

MarColMac: it's a small world

Cerberus607: Are you with him?

MarColMac: He is here but no one could argue that we are together

Cerberus607: Did you TALK … (why am I pulling teeth here? … Jesus … you'd think I was a dentist)

MarColMac: He said he doesn't love me

Cerberus607: You are full of it

MarColMac: I am telling you … he said he doesn't love me the way I love him and so THERE YOU GO … we are done

Cerberus607: There is more to this story

MarColMac: Pages

Cerberus607: And you are just going to sit back and let it be over

MarColMac: What would you have me do?

Cerberus607: Hell I don't know … you are the damn MARINE … take him like a hill or a mountain … whatever you jarheads do

MarColMac: Not quite that easy

Cerberus607: If I were there … where exactly? … I would slap some sense into you

MarColMac: Good thing you are not here

Cerberus607: OK OK … two questions and then I am going back to chat on … when we were playing Mystery Date … was he your dream date?

MarColMac: Better

MarColMac: and worse

Cerberus607: So what is the issue?

MarColMac: Too many to mention

Cerberus607: That other guy?

MarColMac: No

Cerberus607: Are you sure?

MarColMac: YES

Cerberus607: Then why were you with him … the other guy?

Cerberus607: Are you still there?

Cerberus607: It says you are 'entering text' … are you writing a book?

MarColMac: You need to understand. It is not like Harm is a normal guy – we have never been like two normal adults. He has never asked me out on a date … and never said anything overtly to make me think that he wanted anything more than a friendship – well at least he hadn't for a very long time and usually when it was too late. We have a ton of bad history and false starts and pretty pointed endings. Time just slipped away. It was not like I had two to choose from and chose Clay. Harm was out of my life – HIS CHOICE. Clay was there. Harm was not. I had to move on – not going to wait for a ship that has sailed. I don't like to be alone. I know that about myself. I am not proud of it … but I do know it. So I settle for who is right there instead of waiting or making it happen

Cerberus607: Love the one you are with, eh?

MarColMac: I have done it more than once --- and look where it has gotten me

Cerberus607: Are you doing that again this time?

MarColMac: I am not WITH Harm – He has made that pretty close to impossible since the day we met.

Cerberus607: How?

MarColMac: Petty, spiteful, mean, nasty … rude … especially if we disagree – which we do on just about everything

Cerberus607: You know the more you tell me about this Harm guy – the more he sounds like a jerk

MarColMac: He is a jerk

Cerberus607: And you want him – WHY?

MarColMac: He can also be incredibly tender, loving, generous, loyal to a fault. He is smart and tenacious. He values his career and his work ethic as highly as I do. We may never agree on the answer, but we agree on the method. We both value truth, fairness and the spirit of the law rather than the letter of the law. Do you know how hard that is to find in a LAWYER? Much less a man and a friend?

Cerberus607: Damn near impossible.

MarColMac: Exactly … Harm is something special. So what if he has the ego of a PILOT. I have never met anyone who has a higher moral character or a sounder soul.

Cerberus607: SOUNDER SOUL … is that a new Punk Rock Band?

MarColMac: He is rock solid … with a blind spot where his relationships with women are. But there are reasons for that too.

Cerberus607: You are giving him every break in the book, Mac

MarColMac: He suffered in his youth too.

Cerberus607: I am sure … his father.

MarColMac: MIA … when he was five – there is a ton more to that story … but another day.

Cerberus607: OK.

MarColMac: There is something else … he is … something … pretty to watch

Cerberus607: Meaning?

MarColMac: Meaning I like how he moves – all 6'4" … not graceful … but damn sure exciting … and he has a smile that lights up his eyes and puts Tom Cruse to shame

Cerberus607: YOU WANT HIM

MarColMac: Is that a question?

Cerberus607: A statement … you want to lay him out and ----

MarColMac: GATES!

Cerberus607: OH YEAH … You want him … ADMIT IT

MarColMac: It is too hard to CHAT about this

Cerberus607: ADMIT IT

MarColMac: So?

Cerberus607: So he ain't perfect … more like Mr. Rochester than Prince Charming?

MarColMac: More like Mr. Darcy … tall, proud and prejudiced but with the honor of a soldier and soul of a poet.

Cerberus607: An officer and a gentleman … Go get him, Sarah.

MarColMac: YEAH YEAH … wishes and horses … enough about me … What are you doing online?

Cerberus607: Chatting with you and my son

MarColMac: Your son?

Cerberus607: Timothy Leary Schwartz … Timo

MarColMac: You and Lenny Schwartz …?

Cerberus607: No … his brother Isaac … Timo is a good kid

MarColMac: How old?

Cerberus607: 17 … lives with his Dad and stepmother

MarColMac: You OK with that

Cerberus607: Yeah … he turned out OK and he and I are getting along just fine … I will tell you this … but

don't ever quote me … his stepmother is a gift from heaven … wanted her to adopt me too

Cerberus607: I never had a maternal bone in my body … I am grateful Timo has her

MarColMac: I want kids

Cerberus607: I am a doctor … do you need me to explain how it works?

MarColMac: I read the book

Cerberus607: So … Hammer not sperm donor material – thought you said he had great genes

MarColMac: He does

Cerberus607: And great JEANS … HA HA

MarColMac: He offered – again the other night … hell we even made a deal five years ago

Cerberus607: The old BACK UP PACT?

MarColMac: How did you know?

Cerberus607: Most single women have one … some have two or three

MarColMac: Well just last week was the end of the deal … five years … if neither of us were in a relationship we would go halves on a kid

Cerberus607: You got yourself a real romantic there

MarColMac: I know

Cerberus607: Which leads me to ask … is what you're feeling for this Harm guy real or are you just choosing to believe something so the pact won't feel so desperate … like you are such a loser?

MarColMac: Thanks a lot

Cerberus607: Be AFRONTED later … think about it and answer the question.

MarColMac: Maybe I looked at those five years as biding time knowing that when the time came … it would be Harm who I got serious with.

MarColMac: Did I never marry so that I could make good on the deal with him?

Cerberus607: Chicken? Egg? Egg? Chicken? Are you a lawyer?

MarColMac: Very funny

Cerberus607: Look, Lady Jane … I gotta go for the night, but let leave you with one question … DO YOU LOVE the guy?

MarColMac: Yes

Cerberus607: More than just as the back up?

MarColMac: Tom Cruise was on my laminated list … think I have a chance?

Cerberus607: You can kept Tommy Boy … I am more of a Viggo / Aragorn kind of girl

MarColMac: I knew that about you

Cerberus607: But seriously … could you see waking up to him everyday for the rest of your life

MarColMac: Yeah ---- BUT --- BUT --- BUT --- It won't be easy

Cerberus607: No one ever promised you a rose garden, sweet pea

MarColMac: Did I tell you that we met in the rose garden of the White House?

Cerberus607: Lean in to the monitor … slaps face … You got it bad girl!

MarColMac: I am normally not like this ... you make me feel like we are 16 again

Cerberus607: AH … to be sixteen again and to have another chance to make all those mistakes again … not for all the money in Switzerland

MarColMac: I would love another chance … I would do a whole ton of things differently

Cerberus607: Kid, it ain't over until it is over … work it out … just suck it up and work it out

MarColMac: How do you expect me to do that?

Cerberus607: TALK TO HIM … or just jump him. If he is a real man, he will come around

MarColMac: This from a shrink … I am going to check your credentials when I get back.

Cerberus607: You do that … when you get my bill

MarColMac: Dinner is on me

Cerberus607: You bet it is … and I want STEAK … gotta go … how long you going to be 'out of the country'

MarColMac: Couple more days … let's say dinner on Thursday

Cerberus607: Let me check my social calendar … Hmmmm … well would you look at that … I am free … what a surprise. See ya honey.

MarColMac: See ya

Cerberus607: Hey SARAH JANE …

MarColMac: Yeah

Cerberus607: You don't have to go back to sixteen to fix things … take care of what is right in front of you

MarColMac: I haven't given up yet … but I am already checking the exit routes

Cerberus607: You won't need them … I love you, babe

MarColMac: I love you too

Cerberus607: Call me … if you need to talk

MarColMac: Thanks … go to bed

Cerberus607: Night … bye

MarColMac: Bye

Mac 'hung up' with Gates, she did a little more work and then lay down. She heard a light rap on the hatch. She pulled herself out of the rack and opened it.

Harm stood a little sheepishly in front of her. "I hope I didn't wake you."

"I am up." She stepped back into the cabin to let him in.

"I just came to get the files. Thought I would put together something for the Admiral."

She yawned and sat down as he gathered the files together. "Do you want to know what I found out?" She asked.

It hadn't occurred to him that she had been working. He still thought of her as sick and needing a lot of rest. "Got this from Bud about an hour ago – he got the coroner's report. It seems that Iyad is actually one John-Boy Johnson of Louisville Kentucky."

"He is an American?"

"Born, bred and buttered."

Harm looked confused.

"He is CIA -- NOT DOD."

"How did you get that?" Harm sat down next to her on the rack.

"Johnson was transferred here from the Thomas Lyons six days ago suffering from a gun shot wound to the abdomen and hypothermia. He died as a result."

Harm was stunned. "He was with Webb?"

"Not that I have the information – but it appears that way." She looked down.

"So the wall of silence we have been getting from the crew is CIA backed."

She nodded.

"What the hell do they want from us?" He stood and tossed the files back down on the desk.

"Harm?"

"They send us out here to investigate, don't give us all the information, and when we find out what they don't want us to know - we are told to sweep it under the rug. This is ridiculous – it is like we are pawns in some stupid game."

"Or worse – actors to be scripted." She added.

"I am sick of this." He slammed his open palm on the bulkhead.

"I know. But what are we supposed to do?" Her voice was getting softer.

"How did you get this information?" He asked. "A friend left inside?" The snide was thick in that question.

She looked hurt. "Bud and his magic computer."

"I'm sorry." He sat back down next to her. "You did some excellent work. You accomplished more in a few hours than I did in a day."

"Thank you." She stretched a little.

He dropped into his friend mode. "You were sleeping weren't you?"

"Sort of … I had my eyes closed." She said shyly.

"How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?" He put his hand on her lower back and rubbed gently.

"You have done enough." She smiled softly. "Where are you staying?"

"I am bunking in with some pretty wild guys who think that showering is not an option."

"You can sleep here Harm." She said. "I mean for God's sake … we have slept together before … take the top bunk."

He was glad she offered. "You need your rest."

"I need us to finish our conversation more." She said gently.

"Mac." Harm looked away.

"Can we please talk about this … calmly?" She asked. "Like adults … like the old friends we are?"

He looked at her quickly. He heaved a heavy sigh and got up. "You see that is the problem and that is why …" He struggled to find the right words. "I'll get past it I know I will … but I will need a little time."

"Get past what?" She asked. "What are you thinking?"

"Friends … you and I are OLD FRIENDS." He started.

"We are." She confirmed earnestly. She wanted to add that they were more than friends.

He shook his head. "Don't want to be THE OLD FRIEND, Mac." There was no getting around this and if truth were told he was tired of trying to get around it. "You asked me if I love you … you know the answer to that … of course I do."

Mac's heart melted. "You never told me."

"Yeah … well … I do … and there are reasons why I never told you." He defended.

"I know."

"And there are reasons you never told me." He further defended.

"There are." She looked at him. "But those reasons don't matter any more."

Harm snickered. 'Of course they don't matter. Webb is dead.' He chose not to say that out loud.

"Harm?"

"You said that if I loved you the way you loved me … then all of our issues would fade away."

"Not all but most." She corrected.

"But I don't … you don't."

"Don't what?"

"Mac – come on –." He hesitated before he leapt in. "I am your fall back guy. The safe date. The back up plan. The one that will always be there to pick up the pieces. The one you look to when everyone else is gone. Like an old pair of jeans – worn in and comfortable – the old ratty pair you wear when you are doing laundry and wouldn't be caught dead with in public."

Mac's jaw nearly dropped to the floor. She couldn't help the smile that came across her face. "WHAT?" She laughed.

"You heard me." His eyes betrayed how annoyed he really was.

"I don't know what to say to that."

"Nothing to say … that is who I am to you … so be it."

She got a little annoyed, but kept it tempered. "When will you ever learn to check your facts, counselor?"

"The facts speak for themselves, counselor."

"Harm … you are not a pair of old jeans – comfortable or ratty."

"Oh Really."

"If anything … you are the favorite pair of designer jeans that I – and all women - keep in the back of the closet for when we lose five pounds and have a HOT DATE."

"Huh?"

"Oh yeah … the ones that make our ass look great and turn all kinds of heads … the kind of jeans that make men glad they are men and women proud to be … well NOT MEN."

"You lost me." Harm was unaware.

" … but they are always just a little too tight and not practical for every day wear."

Harm looked confused. "Can we lose this metaphor – you are sounding like Mattie." He stated.

"You started it." She smiled.

"The facts are you have kept me at arm's length since … well hell since Brumby left … then just when I thought we were getting past the friendship to something else … you choose Webb."

"You left." She accused.

"I was forced out." He corrected.

"You were forced out of JAG. And for that I am sorry." She took a breath. "You left me!"

"Left you? You said there would never be anything between us. Never be an US."

"At this rate … there never will be."

"What did you expect me to do … stick around and watch you and Webb … hope for the worse and take the pittance you wanted to give me?"

"Harm … stop about Webb." She got up and moved to the other side of the room. "Webb and I went through something that was pretty intense."

"You think I don't know that? … I saved your sixes." He found his HERO RABB voice. "If it weren't for me --."

"HARM. I know. I know." She shut her eyes trying to hold back her anger. "Have I not said thank you for that?"

"No."

"Thank you." She threw at him.

"I don't want your gratitude."

"AHHHHHHHHHH … YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE."

"HEY." He tried to quiet her down.

"Look … Webb and I needed each other after Paraguay… he needed me… you must be able to appreciate that." She looked at him waiting for an answer but none came. "The honest to God truth is we didn't really get together until a couple of months ago and even then we barely saw each other. We had done some talking about a relationship, but not much else and nothing about the future."

Harm didn't say anything.

"That was my call." She declared. "I kept him a arms length too."

"Why?" He was sullen and withdrawn.

She heaved a heavy sigh and looked him in the eyes. "Because he was not who I wanted."

A realization washed with acceptance came over Rabb's face. The wind was taken completely out of his sales. They each wanted the other as more than just friends, but had gotten in their own way. "Then why?" He slumped down into the chair. "Why have we gone through all this?"

She crossed over to him and squatted down next to him. "Because we are our own worst enemy." She explained.

"Not good enough." He turned to her and took her hands in his.

"Because I love you when you are like this – real and honest, gentle and kind, but when you get petty and jealous and down right mean … I don't want to know you." She looked down. "I look away. I pull away."

He tilted her head back up toward his. "I don't get petty and jealous and down right mean until you pull away."

The each took a moment to think about the reality of their history: the pushing, the pulling, the dancing. They were each to blame for letting it go on so long.

"Can we both just stop … just agree to stop?" She asked. "Here and now … can we agree to stop hurting each other and pushing or pulling away?" There were tears in her voice.

"Yes." He was sincere … clear and sincere and nothing was held back.

Mac relaxed a little but the pain in her back was building. She needed to sit down …but lying down would have been better. She put her hand to her back.

Harm helped her stand and got her to the rack. He squatted down in front of her. "What can I do?"

"Tell me you love me?" She asked.

"I love you." He brushed some hair off her face. "Everything is going to be OK. Trust me."

"I do." She smiled at him weakly. "I love you, Harm. I am sorry for everything."

"Don't be sorry for everything … just some things." He flashed her a smile. "Lie down and try to get some sleep."

"Stay with me."

"Ok." He started to stand up.

"No." She moved in on the rack so that he could lie down next to her.

"Mac …" He smiled. "Serious breach in protocol … they could kick our asses out."

"I am willing to risk it."

"I won't let you?' He countered.

"Harm?" She needed him and only him to hold her.

He shook his head and climbed in behind her – ON TOP of the blankets, fully dressed and spooned up behind her.

They were quiet for a moment, enjoying the closeness and thinking about the mistakes they each had made.

"Sarah, about the other night…" He asked after a moment.

"When I kissed you and nearly blinded you in one eye?"

"Yeah … why did you?"

"I didn't mean to … you got in the way of a perfectly good pitch." She tried to answer light heartedly.

"My mouth got in the way of yours?" He asked.

"OH." She tensed a little. "I am sorry about that … well sort of sorry. I shouldn't have."

"Why did you?"

"Because everything was so perfect. I was in the arms of the man I loved and he was there for me in ways that I never knew possible. It was the first time in my life that I actually felt like everything was going to be fine." She turned toward him a little. "Then I pushed it and ruined it. I'm sorry."

"You weren't just looking for comfort over the loss of --."

"No … not really … no." She paused. "Why did you pull away?"

"It felt wrong. I mean it was nice … it was great … but it felt wrong."

"I thought we were replaying the scene from Sydney all over again."

"You certainly do have a temper on you." He squeezed her. "And one hell of a curve ball."

"I am sorry."

"We need to start learning to read each other better." He said softly.

"Agreed."

"What say we start again …" He pulled her tightly against his chest and whispered in her ear. "Hello, I am Harmon Rabb Jr. It is a pleasure to meet you." He kissed her cheek.

"Sarah MacKenzie … but my friends call me Mac. It is nice to be met." She snuggled back into him.

They talked softly for a long time about this and that and stuff they knew and didn't know about the other. Each listened with a new open ear until they were too tired to go on and then they fell asleep in each others' arms waking only long enough to ensure that the other one was still there.

Hours later Mac's laptop rang that she had an incoming message.

Close on the screen of the new message.

To: Sarah.MacKenzieusn.mil.gov

From: The reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.

Sarah ---

Don't believe what you read in the funny papers.

I'll be in touch when I can.

This was not my call.

I love you. Webb