Title: In A Garden
Chapter Two
By: LizD
Written: January 2004
Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.
"End" maybe too strong a word for what happened between Harm and Mac. What happened was that they each moved on and didn't look back – not once – well at least not out loud and not for many years.
It was a long time before they saw each other again - nearly four years. Harm had gone to Nevada and soon after Mac had transferred to Quantico. They should have had the opportunity to run into each other many times over the years, but it never happened. Mac had not made it to the admiral's wedding to Meredith. She was TAD in Iraq at the time. Harm was planning to visit the Roberts at Christmas, but it never happened. Bud and Harriet transferred to San Diego shortly there after (Bud had been promoted). Harm was supposed to help with the move but something came up. Mac had turned down several trips to sunny southern California. Harm had been in Washington on many occasions but never made an effort to contact her. Interestingly enough, their mutual friends never discussed one with the other; never talked about the new lives that these two should-have-been lovers had found for themselves. Neither Mac nor Harm asked.
How had their lives changed? Quite a bit, all except for one area. Neither had found the life partner they were looking for. They married, but neither had a marriage made in heaven.
Mac met an FBI investigator at Quantico, Alan Shea, less than a month after her transfer. Within a year they were married and expecting their first child. After her daughter was born it became more difficult to stay in contact with old friends and colleagues. E-mail helped, but the relationships never really were the same. Mac sort of slipped from the radar other than birthday and Christmas cards. The one exception was Meredith. Mac and she became very close.
For Harm, when his tour was up at Nevada, he transferred to San Diego. He was still in the Navy but he was getting further and further away from lawyering and from flying. He was the legal liaison between the Navy/Marines and the Council for Home Land Security. The job was 100% political; he hated that part. But Harm was allowed to make differences in small ways. There were several good things about being in San Diego; he was close to his mother and now he got to spend time with Bud, Harriet and the kids. Harriet and Bud had a daughter. It was nice for Harm – nice to be included in a family.
Other changes had happened to both Harm and Mac, but not necessarily good changes. They continued to look forward and never back. That was at least until the admiral's retirement party.
So nearly four years later at a party for their old commanding officer, Harm and Mac met again. Old SEAL's, the SecNav for the last three administrations, other political pundits that had come in and out of AJ's career were all in attendance. Then of course there was anyone who had ever served under him at JAG. Without exception, they all showed – at one time or another during the night. Mac had arrived late. She was six months pregnant with her second child and still working full time. She arrived alone. She found AJ and congratulated him. She found Sturgis and the others from the JAG staff at her time all together at one table. As you can imagine the conversation turned to Harm and his antics. There was much laughing and joking – no one would ever forget the firing of the weapon in the courtroom. Turner (still working at JAG HQ) said that the roof still leaked. Tentatively, Mac asked if Harm were planning on coming. Bud chimed in and pointed to a suited man in the corner standing with the Admiral, Meredith and a beautiful blonde woman.
"The commander is here ma'am," he laughed. "Sorry, Harm. Can't get used to him being a civilian."
"He resigned his commission?" Mac was surprised.
"He resigned almost a year ago – now. Right Harriet?"
"Last May," Harriet confirmed.
"Anyway, he opened a child advocacy agency," Bud continued, proud of his friend and his friendship with him. "You know legal work for kids and families."
"Does all his work pro bono now," Harriet added.
"It is getting pretty big, he needs some help," Bud interjected with, "Harriet will take over the office management and do some fund development."
"That has not been completely discussed, Bud," she scolded.
Bud took Harriet's hand. It was clear that they were still very much in like with each other – in addition to the love. "I am sure you and Harm will come to an understanding."
Harriet's eyes lit from within. The support and admiration from her husband after all those years was a gift to her that she appreciated every day. "I don't know – he drives a pretty hard bargain and I am not sure I want him to be my boss - AGAIN."
The group laughed.
Mac was envious of the relationship between her old friends.
Harm took notice of them laughing. He excused himself from the admiral (the blonde stayed talking to Meredith) and walked over to the group. He hugged Harriet and shook hands with Bud and Sturgis as they had seen each other the day before, larger greetings for the Gunny, Tiner and Coates. Finally he turned his attention to Mac.
"Well, well, well," he smiled at her. "Colonel Sarah MacKenzie," he let his eyes scan her up and down. They stopped at her swelling stomach. "You look great – you are absolutely glo--."
"If you say I am glowing Rabb, I will have to take you out back and kick the shit out of you," she warned.
"Is that anyway to treat an old --," he stopped short of calling himself a friend. "It is nice to see you, Mac. Pregnancy becomes you."
"I wish it became my feet."
"Here sit down," he pulled a chair out for her.
The group sat.
"This is like old home week," said Harriet. "We were just telling stories from back in the day, Harm."
"I'm sure firing weapons in the court room came up," he rolled his eyes.
"It always will," Sturgis confirmed even though he was not at JAG at the time.
Just then the blonde that was with Harm joined them. She wrapped her arms around him from behind. He stood up quickly. "Linda," he pulled her arms away.
"Who are these lovely people, dear?" She was little drunk.
"Let me introduce you. Sturgis Turner – you have spoken to him on the phone, Jennifer Coates, Victor Galindez, Jason Tiner, Harriet and Bud you know, and Sarah MacKenzie – this is my wife Linda."
With the exception of Bud and Harriet the rest of the group was stunned to silence. Sturgis had known about the marriage but had not pictured Linda anything like the woman he saw before him. Victor was the first to recover. Cordial greetings were exchanged.
Linda wrapped herself around Harm again. He looked very uncomfortable. "Yep, I am the woman who finally bagged Harmon Rabb," she gloated and rested her stare on Jennifer – the only woman she saw as competition. "Took him completely off the market, didn't I sweetie. Even got him to resign from that ridiculous fraternity - US Navy - indeed," she kissed him on the cheek and he smiled uncomfortably. "Of course I had to back him into it a corner to get him to see the light."
It was clear that she was a little too chatty; a little too disclosing for a first meeting and Harm did not like it. It was undoubtedly the wine talking. It came out that they had been married for little more than a year, had known each other slightly longer than that and had twin sons born – well let's just say that the buns were in the oven before the wedding vows were exchanged – LONG BEFORE.
It was too much, too soon for Harm to share with his old friends. He quickly hurried her away to meet some "other people," Mac noticed that Harm did not actually introduce her to anyone else; he escorted her out quickly and did not return to the party.
Harriet did what she does. She deflected. "So, Mac, where is your husband, at home with your beautiful daughter?"
Mac nodded and smiled. She had no idea where her husband was. She kicked him out when she found him in bed with the babysitter right after she told him she was pregnant. Sadly it was not the first time, but Mac was sure it was going to be the last time. Alan left took the babysitter with him. That was four months ago.
X x X x X x X x X x X x X
The next day, Mac and Harriet agreed to meet for lunch. They had been chatting about kids and the trials and tribulations of having two and Harriet with three.
"Hailey just turned two in November. That is a good age difference, don't you think?" Mac asked.
"The farther apart they are the better for the parents," Harriet laughed. "I have always loved the name Hailey. Where did you find it?"
"It was my uncle Matt's wife's family name."
"Do you know this time, boy or girl?"
"A girl. Two daughters, I hope I can survive."
"I hope Alan can survive a house full of women," Harriet laughed.
Mac's face clouded. Harriet reached her hand out to Mac. Mac was strong and confident.
"Oh, honey, I am sorry." The maternal portion of Harriet took over. "What happened?"
"Some men are just not made to be monogamous – or fathers."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, well – it happens. You got the last good man Harriet."
Harriet smiled. She loved Bud and she did believe that he was a good man, but not the last one.
X x X x X x X x X x X x X
Two weeks later, in San Diego, Harm had brought his boys, David and Alexander to a play date at the Roberts house. The kids got along great and they made an effort to get the kids together often. Harm and Bud were grilling hamburgers, hotdogs and veggie burgers on the bar-b-que watching the kids in the pool.
Harm broached a subject that had been on his mind ever since Washington. "Mac looked good," he said out of the blue.
Bud looked at him and was unsure how to answer. "Yes, she did."
"She still has that fighting marine spirit."
"Indeed."
"Guess even marriage and motherhood can't take that out of her."
"Guess not," Bud really didn't want to get between Harm and Mac, not back then and not four years later. "You should give her a call."
"Yeah, maybe," Harm looked away. "So, another beer, Bud?"
"Sure," Bud swallowed hard before he made the next remark. "So, Linda couldn't make it today, I guess."
Harm got very reflective. Very softly he said, "Linda had to go back into the hospital last night," he smiled at Bud, "which is why I was so glad you called about today. It is pretty hard on the boys."
"And on you too, sir."
"Bud will you ever stop calling me 'sir'?"
Bud laughed quickly then asked his next question. "Will Linda be Ok?"
"I don't know Bud. I am not sure I have anything left to say about it," he looked very sad. "She and I are splitting up."
"Splitting up?"
"Yeah," he was miserable. Harm hated to fail. He even hated to fail at something that he never really wanted in the first place. "She moved back in with her father right after we got back from Washington."
"Are you going to fight her?"
"Not unless she tries to take the boys."
"I don't understand, is she in any position …"
"No she is not. The whole thing – the separation, the divorce – annulment - whatever - is her father's doing, I am sure. He wants his baby girl home with him and not in the psyche ward. He needs his control over her back, and he can't have that with a husband in the way."
"Sir, Harm, I have never asked this … and it really is none of my business, but why did you marry her?"
Harm looked at his friend. This was a man who years ago would never even dare think such a question much less ask it, but life had knocked him about a lot and he has still maintained his good nature and genuine love for the people in his life.
"You know this as well as anyone, Bud. You have to pay for your mistakes, even if you didn't create them."
"Yes sir."
"I have two fantastic boys that I would not trade for anything," he smiled. "And if I can help it, they will never hear an unkind thing said about their mother from me."
"They are great kids, and you have done a wonderful job with them. I can't imagine what it would be like dealing with two two-year-olds."
"Twenty months, Buddy boy," he shook his head. "God help me when they do turn two."
"I'd worry more about nine and sixteen if I were you."
The men laughed.
X x X x X x X x X x X x X
A month later Harm was in Washington. He was doing some lobby work for his agency. He had made arrangements to have lunch with Sturgis and they were set to meet at JAG. Harm walked in and Jennifer Coates approached him.
"Lieutenant Coates – congratulations on your promotion," he smiled at her.
She looked miserable. "Thank you sir," she looked around quickly and then asked her question. "How is Colonel MacKenzie sir?"
"The colonel? I don't know, why?"
"You mean you have not seen her either?"
"What do you mean?" Harm was becoming concerned.
"I'm sorry, sir. Maybe it is not my place to say."
"Say what?" he pressed.
"I just thought you would know. I thought this was why you were here."
"Lieutenant, please – what are you talking about?"
"Colonel MacKenzie - - - she lost the baby," Jennifer said quickly.
Harm was stunned.
"I'm sorry sir. I just thought you would -."
"Is she alright?"
"She has refused visitors for the first two days --."
"TWO DAYS?"
"Yes, sir. This happened several days ago, but she is still in the hospital."
"Which hospital?"
"Bethesda."
"No – um – I didn't know," he checked his watch. "Tell Turner I had something I needed to do, and that I will catch up with him later."
"Yes, sir."
Harm nodded to her once and left. When he got to his car he pulled out his cell phone and called the Roberts house. It rang three times before anyone picked up.
"Roberts residence." It was AJ.
"Hi, AJ, it's Harm."
"Hey, Uncle Harm. How's Washington?"
"Fine, fine. Is your mom or dad there?"
"Yeah, Mom's in with Cassia and Dad is in the pool with Jimmy and the twins."
"How about your mom?"
Moments later Harriet was on the phone.
"Harm," she said in a strained voice. "The boys are fine, you just talked to them an hour ago."
"Tell me about Mac," he blurted out.
"Mac?" Harriet was confused.
"You didn't tell me."
"I didn't know I was supposed to."
"Harriet, tell me what is going on with Mac."
Harriet took a deep breath. "I am not really sure. She was not taking phone calls and the only information I got was from Meredith. From what I can gather she went into premature labor."
"She was only seven months along." Harm didn't know how he knew it, but he did.
"Almost eight. They couldn't stop it. She had a C section but the baby didn't make it."
It all of a sudden occurred to Harm that he needed to be gentler with Harriet; this had to be bringing up bad memories for her.
"She is not seeing anyone."
"No," Harriet started to tear. "There is something else, I mean … because you are asking. I am not sure she would want me to tell you any of this."
"What is it?" He pressed.
"It is really not my place."
"Harriet."
"Her husband is gone."
"What do you mean gone?" Harm didn't know why this was a surprise to him. He knew nothing of Mac for years.
"They separated about five months ago and she has not seen or heard from him since."
"Why?"
"That Mac will have to tell you, if she wants to."
"So what you are saying is that she is alone."
"To the best of my knowledge," she stated. "Again, I don't know for sure, she won't take calls."
"She is in Bethesda?"
"Harm, she probably won't see you."
"Probably not," he checked his watch. "Give the boys a kiss for me. I've got to go."
X x X x X x X x X x X x X
He ended the call quickly and drove directly to Bethesda. He was parked and on her floor before he thought about what he would say to her. He was just about to leave when he turned and saw her making her way slowly down the hall. Her shoulders were slumped and she was moving like she was in a lot of pain. He walked up to her.
"Mac," he said softly.
She turned at the sound of her name and didn't recognize him for a moment. "Harm? What are you -?" She stopped in mid-sentence.
"I came to see you." It was a weak and obvious statement; but the sincerity made up for it.
She did not know what to say. "They force you to walk around here."
"May I join you?"
She wanted to say NO. In a loud clear voice, she wanted to tell him to go away and just leave her alone. "I am on my way to the solarium."
They walked slowly down the hall. At one point Mac became dizzy, Harm gave her his arm and she leaned on him the rest of the way. They found a couple of chairs in the corner that were in the sun and set apart from everyone else in the room. She eased herself down into the chair.
"Can I get you anything? Water? Juice?"
"I have had enough juice and water to choke a horse. What I want is a thick juicy steak," she smiled sadly. "I'm fine."
Harm all of a sudden felt embarrassed that he had not brought her anything like flowers.
"So what brings you east?" she asked.
"Doing some lobby work," he didn't want to chat and he didn't want to talk about himself. "Mac, I am so sorry."
His sincere sorrow caused the tears that were never far away to well up again. She forced them back. "Yeah, me too," she dismissed.
"Mac, don't be brave."
"What should I do?" She tried to get angry. "Cry? Scream? Howl at the moon? Been there, done that – ad nauseum."
"Will you be OK?" He meant to ask if she would be able to have more children.
Mac knew what he meant. "Sure, sure … the operation was a success, but the patient died."
At that he reached his hand out to take hers. She tried to pull away, but he would not let her. "Mac, please."
"Please what?" The tears took over. She didn't try to hold them back, but she refused to crumble or sob in front of him. "Harm, I really appreciate your coming, but I am not-. I can't. Please."
"You are still the most hard-headed woman I have ever met," he fought his own tears.
"Have to be, I keep running my head into walls."
"Mac."
"Harm, I really can't talk about this. Not now. Not with you."
He nodded. The 'with you' stung. He wondered if he should leave. He didn't want to go.
Mac took pity on him. "Tell me about your boys."
"David and Alexander," he smiled at the thought of them. "They are quite a handful."
"I can imagine Linda is pulling her hair out with three Rabbs underfoot."
It was Harm's turn to put on the brave front. "Linda and I split up."
She did not look surprised. "I'm sorry."
Harm cocked his head and smiled ironically. "I wish I could say I was."
"What happened?"
"Same old story," he dismissed.
"Oh, I bet you through in a twist or two of your own."
Her familiarity and recollecting a time when they knew each other was very comforting to him. He gave a what-the-hell smirk. It was time for genuine honesty. Too much had happed between them and apart for him to put on a show.
"I knew Linda for all of two months when she told me she was pregnant. We had only been together a couple of times. I tried everything I could think of to not get married – joint custody agreements, paternity tests," he looked up into Mac's eyes. "A hand shake." It would have been enough for Mac. "But no go. She demanded that we get married or she would keep me from the boys. At the time we didn't know they were twins," he looked away and smiled a little. "Kind of ironic now that I think about it."
"Ironic?"
"The reason she is citing on the annulment is that I wanted to have kids and she didn't. Like I said, ironic."
Mac was surprised to hear that Harm was caught short like that. She never would have expected something that base to happen to him.
Harm read her expression. "Linda was a 'friend of the family'. Her father and Frank were good friends," he looked down and away. "Let's just say that this union put a strain on both families. Anyway, Linda had a very difficult time with the pregnancy. She was in bed for almost 5 months. The boys were born prematurely and needed to be in the hospital for the first six weeks. It was touch and go for a while there."
"That must have been horrible."
"Quite possibly the worst time in my life."
Mac nodded. She knew one thing that would have made it worse, but she would not wish that pain on her worse enemy much less her best - - - Harm.
"Anyway, Linda never had a chance to bond with the boys. First them in neonatal and then she went into a severe depression – not the first one in her life I came to find out. She was hospitalized for nearly three months. It has been a struggle ever since."
"Now you are divorcing?"
"Linda's father is very protective, over protective. Linda is not strong enough to deal with twin sons. Her father convinced her to annul the marriage and give me custody of the boys. I thought about trying to talk her out of it, but I had to think of my sons; to have her in and out of their lives and in and out of hospitals, with the mood swings, the alcohol and all those drugs. It is better for them if she just steps away. Better for all of us."
"You sound very rational about this, but I know this decision could not have been easy for you."
Harm looked up at her. "I don't know about that, Mac. It wasn't as hard as you might think. For the first time in my life, I had to think about someone else's welfare above my own."
"For the first time in your life?" Mac asked.
"My boys are everything to me. There is nothing I won't do for them."
"Harm, that is who you are. You have always been like that. Need I remind you of the number of times you put your life in danger to help someone you didn't even know or to help – a friend?"
"Not the same thing, Mac. Not the same thing at all."
"How so?"
"It is not about putting my life on the line, it is about dealing with and working through feelings."
"Never your strong suit," she agreed.
"Ha – no." His eyes reflected a long ago memory of a time when they knew each other better than anyone else in the world. "I have a lot of anger surrounding what happened with Linda: at her, at Frank and my mother, at her father, at the system, at the mental health profession and - at myself mostly. I made a mistake that I have to live with but worse than that; I made a mistake that two innocent children are forced to deal with for the rest of their lives. Not the kind of legacy I wanted my children to have. That is really hard to forgive – in myself."
Mac nodded. She knew all about making compromises in life for the best interest of your child.
Harm continued. "So I had to deal with that anger, work it through and come to a place where I can be a good father."
"Was that ever in question?"
"Yeah," he thought for a moment about the time he spent alone fighting his flight response. He wanted to run. When Linda first told him she was pregnant, the idea of being tied to a woman for the rest of his life that he didn't like much less love all because of a few stupid nights of passion was ludicrous. Then when Linda went into the hospital and he had to deal with her doctors and make the decisions about her and his sons alone, he wanted to head for higher ground. Go back out to sea. Fly away. He was not trained for this kind of battle.
"Harm?"
"Yeah, Mac. It was in question," he sighed and looked out the window. "I can't show them my anger about the situation surrounding their conception. They won't understand – not now and not in twenty years. So I have to work it out with Linda in some way, shape or form. I have to make it OK for them."
"You will."
"You have more faith than I do," he squeezed her hand. "I am the type to cut and run when the situation gets to sticky," he looked up at her. "Can't do that this time. Can't cut and can't run."
"You may want to run away – but you never would," she squeezed his hand back. "You are a good man, Harm."
He smiled. "I don't know about that Mac. These past two and half years, I am discovering – for the first time - just out how hard it really is to know and do the right thing when you let people into your life – really into your life."
"When it comes down to it, Harm you have always done the right thing."
"Thank you for thinking that after all this time, after the way it ended with us," he looked into her soft sad eyes. "I ruined our friendship and for that I am profoundly sorry."
"You didn't do it alone."
He saw forgiveness. He pulled her hand to his lips. "Enough about me. Tell me about Hailey."
Mac smiled. "She is God's gift to me. I remember thinking shortly after she was born that whatever I had to go through to get to that point in my life was worth double what I paid for it."
"It is amazing the impact they have for being so small."
Mac got a little sad. "Hailey is smart. And funny. She loves to read – well she loves books and music. She is a happy little girl. She never watches TV. Reminds me of you."
Harm laughed.
"Would rather play her piano," Mac added.
"Does she play well?" his eyes lit up.
"No, she is no Mozart. But she is two maybe she will grow into it – or at least out of it."
"She sounds special."
"She was so much looking forward to being a big sister." At that Mac broke. She fell into deep and gut wrenching sobs. Harm moved so he could be closer to her and wrapped her up in his arms. He let her cry into his chest as he held her tight. There was nothing to say. It was never going to be all right, but the pain would dull in time. Harm didn't need to tell her that, she knew it. For now, she needed to cry. She needed to be held. And he was grateful to be the one to do that for her.
Soon she calmed herself. He pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket and gave it to her. She smiled through her tears. "And they say chivalry is dead."
He said nothing.
"Sarah?" A voice from the other side of the solarium called.
They both looked up. There was a tall, dark haired, blue-eyed man standing by the door. He could have been Harm's brother. He knew in an instant that it was Alan Shae, Mac's husband. He didn't know how he knew, but he did. The man came quickly over and knelt down in front of Mac. Her tears came again, and he pulled her into an embrace. Harm got up slowly and removed himself from the scene. Regardless of what was going on between them, they had lost a child – a child they created together and they needed to morn together.
Harm stood in the hall for a moment. He wanted to say something more to Mac, but now was not the time. He didn't know how to leave.
"Well, well, well . . . look what the cat dragged in," a young woman's voice called from a short distance away.
Harm turned. She was young, about twenty-something and she was holding the hand of a two-year-old girl who was the spitting image of Mac despite her almost black hair.
"Don't remember me, Harm?" the young woman said again. "You are certainly looking older – grayer anyway."
"Chloe Madison. You have aged yourself," he smiled but she was not having it.
"What are you doing here, Harm? She is in no mood to stroke your ego now."
Harm ignored her and squatted down in front of the little girl who was looking scared and sad. "Hi, you are Hailey, aren't you?" He said softly and smiled at her. The little girl nodded. "My name is Harm and I knew your mom a long time ago."
"A long time?" she echoed.
"A very long time."
"When she was my age?" She asked.
He laughed. "How old are you?"
She held up two fingers.
"Wow, two years old," he laughed. "No, not that long."
"Is my mommy here?"
"She is in there," Harm realized that Hailey should probably not see her Mac when she was crying. It would scare her. "There is someone with her right now, can you talk to me a little bit first?" He looked up at Chloe and nodded to the room so that she could go and prepare Mac for Hailey's visit.
Chloe looked in and scowled. "What the hell is that bastard doing back?" She blasted into the room.
Harm and Hailey took a seat on the bench by the wall. "Is my mom OK?"
"Yeah, she is sad."
"My sister died." The honesty of a child was shocking at times. "She is with the angels now."
He smiled. "Yes, she is."
Alan came out and Hailey jumped down from the bench and ran to her father. They hugged and he brought her into the solarium. Chloe came out shortly.
"So, Harm, still hanging around?"
He pulled a card from his pocket and tried to hand it to her. "If she needs anything …"
"Still trying to play hero?"
"Chloe look, I know that you love her and are only thinking of what is best for her, but please – ," he thrust the card at her again. "If she needs anything."
"She won't," she refused to take the card.
"You may have aged, but you haven't grown up. What happened between Mac and I was complicated and I am sure you don't understand the whole story. You can blame me. You can hate me."
"I do," she cut him off. "I hate all the men in Mac's life. That bastard she married should be strung up by his ba-."
"Your anger is not helping her," he said flatly. "If she needs anything," he handed her the card again, and this time she took it. He turned to walk away.
"Harm," she called after him.
He turned to look at her.
"What do you mean by anything?"
"Whatever she needs."
"She is going to need a good lawyer."
Harm waited.
"She is going to need a good friend."
He nodded. "Thank you," he walked away slowly.
