Title: Old Friends
Chapter Six
By: LizD
Written: June/July 2004
Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.
Old Friends - Chapter Six
Clearing Hurdles
0936 LOCAL – Tuesday
JAG HeadquartersFalls Church, VA
Harm walked into the bullpen in time to see Mac unlocking her office. She was late.
"Hey." He said softly from her open door as she set about getting her desk ready for the day.
She looked at him with a half smile. "Hey yourself."
"Where were you this morning?" It was an easy question to which he expected an easy answer.
"This morning?" She repeated.
Maybe not so easy.
"Yeah." He came closer to her so he could keep his voice down but stayed a safe distance as not to give any onlookers ideas. "Came by to take you to breakfast."
"Oh?" She was trying not to engage in the conversation and wiped at the dark circles under her eyes.
"I called first." He added implying that he was not taking liberties with their new … understanding.
"I wasn't home." She said softly.
"And your cell phone wasn't on." He added.
She shrugged in agreement.
"Something wrong?" He asked worried that the games were about to begin again.
"No. Nothing. I just forgot to turn it back on after we got back last night." She pulled it from her briefcase to show that it still was not turned on. She laid it down on the desk – still without turning it on.
"So … this morning?" He picked up a paperweight and turned it over in his hands. "Did you have an early appointment?"
She heaved a heavy sigh. There was no way out of this interrogation until she came clean, unless she wanted to pick a fight to put him off which she did not want to do. "I wasn't at my apartment this morning."
He waited.
"I didn't stay at there last night." She continued.
"I see." He looked worried and was working up into a real annoyance. He replaced the paperweight.
"I stayed at a hotel." She said quickly to stop him from thinking something worse.
"A hotel?" He puzzled. "Something wrong with your apartment?"
"No, I just didn't want to be there." It was the only explanation that she was prepared to give.
He stretched his long arm over and closed the door softly and took a seat.
"Harm, please don't do this." She asked with a little too much whine in her voice.
"Talk to me."
"Nothing to say." She said evenly. "I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to be there, so I checked myself into the Latham."
"The LATHAM! Wow … too rich for my blood." He smiled at her but clearly expecting her to explain.
"Mine too …but I needed a little treat."
"I guess so." He got a little more serious. "Why didn't you call me?"
"I didn't want to bother you." She explained. "It was late."
He thought for a moment about how best to attack the new development. "Mac, I know my place is not the Latham but is has a bed and hot and cold running water. I hear that the food is getting better and the rates are very reasonable." He flashed her his grin.
"Ah but Rabb Inn does not have a bathtub." She said flippantly. "Needed a long hot bath last night."
He waited for the real answer.
"I didn't want to bother you." She repeated hoping it was enough.
"Fine." It wasn't but he was going to let it slide this time. He got up to leave. "But you can bother me anytime and I don't think I would consider it a bother."
"I know … and I appreciate that."
He nodded and was about to leave. He had a thought, which gave him pause. "Mac? Is this about Webb?"
Mac slumped into the chair. She had been caught. "I don't want to talk about this here or now, OK?"
"Mac."
"Seriously Harm … not here … not now." She warned.
He nodded. It hadn't really occurred to him that Webb could show up out of the blue at any time or any place or what impact that would have on her or how unsettling that might be. Now that he thought about it he could easily understand why she might be a little tentative about being at home alone.
"Have dinner with us tonight." He changed the subject but hoping to address her issue. "Mattie is cooking, but don't worry she is not as bad as you might think and if you want I will take you for a late lunch so you won't need to eat much."
She smiled gently at him. "I would like that."
"Which? Dinner, lunch or both?"
"I can have both?" She asked sweetly shy.
"You can."
"Then both." She was grateful that he was letting her off the hook so easily.
"Good." He opened the door. "Staff in fifteen. Careful the admiral is in a rare mood today. He won't take your head off, but he will quiz you on some obscure piece of baseball history. Jennifer is putting together a cheat sheet for all of us."
She laughed. "When is his replacement getting here?"
"Don't know – but it better be quick." He nodded to her and left.
Mac slumped back down in the chair. The little icon on the task bar told her she had new messages in her inbox. She ignored it and picked up the phone, dialed and waited impatiently as it rang. "Gates, it's Mac. I'm back. How about dinner tomorrow night? Are you free? Call me at the office."
She hung up and turned back to the case files, pushed her cell phone aside and ignored her e-mail.
2135 LOCAL – Wednesday
The Latham Hotel – MacKenzie RoomMac let herself in and left the door open for Harm.
Harm walked in behind her. "Wow … very nice." He looked around the room at the amenities. "Very nice indeed."
"Yeah." She agreed.
They had had a very nice day. They were assigned a case together: she was first with Harm assisting. The teamwork was never better: challenging without being confrontational. They had a great lunch and made very easy, meaningful, but not deep conversation. Dinner with Mattie and Jennifer was a modern family moment with lots of laughing. The whole day felt very safe and very normal.
Harm had insisted on taking her back to the hotel. Mac knew that he wanted to talk to her particularly about what she had refused to talk about earlier. While she didn't want to have to explain herself, she also didn't want it to be an issue for them.
He looked into the bathroom and whistled. "Is that a marble tub? And heated towel rack?" He stepped back out of the bathroom with the hotel bathrobe in his hand. "You have got to steal me one of these."
She laughed. "It yours for the low, low price of $185"
"What!" He tossed it back on to the vanity. "Forget it."
Mac kicked off her shoes and slumped down onto the couch.
Harm tossed himself onto the bed. "This mattress is better than mine."
Mac waited. She knew it was coming.
He rolled over so he could see her and propped his head up on his arm. "So, MacKenzie … talk to me."
"What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to tell me why you are staying at The Latham."
"The Ritz was booked." She explained.
"Mac."
"Harm … really it is nothing. I just need sometime to … I don't know … I just need some time to … decompress."
"Decompress?" He was confused.
"To feel like myself again … to get my bearings."
"The services here must be better than I thought." He said snidely.
"Harm so much has happened in just the last ten days. I just need a little time to sort through it all."
"And you need to do that at a hotel?"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time." She shook her head. "I don't want this to be a fight between us."
"It isn't." He took a deep breath and asked the pointed question. "Mac, are you worried that Webb will show up?"
"No … Yes … I mean no. I would not say that I am WORRIED."
"How would you describe it?" He asked as gently as he could but the tension was rising in his voice.
"I don't know … I guess I wonder what I will say to him and how I will explain things to him."
Harm got up and came over to sit near her. "Explain what exactly?"
"Harm … please."
"Please what?" He ran his hand through his hair. "I thought things were going to be different for us, Mac. I thought we got over some big hurdle the past couple of days and things would be different."
"They are." She tried to take his hand but he slowly pulled it away.
"What I see is you – still – keeping me at arm's length." He stated.
"That is not what I am doing."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Then why a hotel Mac? Why are you so uncomfortable in your own home? And why don't you let me help you?"
"You are helping me. I don't know what I would do if it weren't for you." She did take his hand this time. "Today was absolutely perfect. I enjoyed being with you, working with you – being part of your family."
"You are my family, Mac."
She smiled softly. "Harm please – this is not about you and me … or Webb. I'll know what to say when and if the time arrives."
He tried to accept that.
"This … staying here … this is about me. This is about me feeling comfortable in my own skin again."
"I need more than that, Mac."
"Harm for the past ten days every time I turn around there is some new life altering …" She searched for the right word. "… THING that I have to deal with."
"Not alone."
"No, not alone." She squeezed his hand. "I know I am not alone. And I can't tell you how much I love you for the support and … love you are giving me." She waited hoping he would respond.
He didn't.
"Harm, I am a little shell shocked. It has been a very difficult year. More than a year. It started with you being arrested for Singers' murder and it doesn't feel like it is over yet."
"I know." He placed his other hand on hers remembering Paraguay and Sadik and his bitterness toward her.
"And these past ten days have been a whirlwind." She continued. "More like a tornado. I don't dare ask 'what's next?'"
"You have been through so much."
"We both have. And we – you and me – US is the only good thing to come out of last year. I have hope - finally."
He nodded and pressed her hand.
"I will be OK, but I just need a few days to deal with all that is going on and brace myself for what's next."
"But I can't help." He moaned.
"You are helping. Even right now … when I really don't want to talk about this or discuss this … talking about it helps. It helps to know how much you care." She paused until she saw acknowledgement in his eyes. "All I need is a little time to gain a little perspective. Just a couple of days."
"So what am I supposed to do?"
She smiled broadly at him. "Well … you can continue to do what you are doing … although…"
"Although?"
"Well, you haven't kissed me."
He smiled back at her. "You know … I don't always have to be the one to initiate."
"Didn't think you liked forward women."
He put his hand to her face and combed her hair back with his fingers. "Only one."
"Last time didn't go so well." She said sheepishly glancing at the healing wound over his eye.
"Everything is different now." He answered truthfully.
"Yes it is." She confirmed. She leaned in slowly never taking her eyes from his and let her lips lightly brush his. She smiled. Closing her eyes and tilting her head, she let this kiss deepen.
This time Harm did not stop it. This time he returned her desire with his own.
With reluctance they each pulled away. It was understood that he needed to go or the next kiss would not end until morning. Neither was prepared to take their relationship to that level … yet.
She walked him to the door. "The doctor's appointment is at 1500." She said softly.
"Already cleared my calendar." He pressed her hand. "May I take you to dinner tomorrow night?"
"I thought you and Sturgis were playing basketball."
"Hell, for a date with you I would cancel in a heartbeat." His smile flashed and lit his eyes.
Mac's heart melted. "Ya know … you can be really good for a girl's ego."
"Not just your ego, babe." He slid his finger down her jaw line.
She pressed his hand to her lips. "Go play basketball with Sturgis … it will be good for you to work out a little of that pent up energy you have." She grinned. "I have dinner plans with a friend anyway."
"Oh really … a friend?"
"My friend Gates … the one I told you about."
"Right, the psychiatrist … will I get to meet her."
"I'm sure." She answered quickly. "Another time."
"Aahhhh … A little girl talk, huh? Wish I could be a fly on that wall."
"Good night, Harm." She warned.
"Pleasant dreams."
"You too, I'll see you in the morning."
"We have that interview at 0800." He reminded her.
With that he was gone. She missed him immediately. She nearly ran after him to beg him to stay, but actually thought better of it. She liked the fact that she could think about him, miss him, yearn for him. In all the years she had loved him, she never let her mind go and think about what it would be like to be with him. There was always some reason to hold back, to deny her self the pleasure of the fantasy. She could allow herself that now. She liked these beginning stages of love. It was new for her and she wanted to savor every moment of it.
She drew herself a bath.
Mac lay in the bath enjoying her time alone: feeling pampered and happy. She had been in the tub long enough to have to reheat the water once. It had soaked away the pain in her back and eased the stress in her shoulders. She pulled herself out of the tub, wrapped herself in the lush bathrobe and again replaced the cold water with hot. She added more bubble bath and smiled guiltily.
Leaving it to refill, she went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of Perrier. Her brief case lay open on the desk. She retrieved her cell phone and went back to the bathroom. She eased herself slowly back into the hot soapy water and stayed still with her eyes closed letting the steam and the lavender fumes soothe her.
After a long moment, she opened her eyes and spied the phone that lay on the edge of the tub. She turned it on and waited as it "booted" itself up. She had missed 15 calls. She cleared them without looking to see who they were from and dialed a familiar number.
In the middle of the first ring the voice she had hoped to hear came over the line but instead of the warm friendly 'hello' she was expecting, she got a brusque, irritated Harm.
This is not working for me, kid. Get your six over here right now.
"Harm?" She was worried she shouldn't have called.
Mac? Are you all right? The worry was thick in his voice, no trace of the frustration that came before.
"I'm fine." She slumped down deeper into the water. "Who did you think was calling?"
Mattie. He said a little embarrassed at his previous gruffness.
"What is going on?"
I am reviewing Mattie's English paper. It's due tomorrow.
"You're not impressed."
This is not her best work. It's going to take her all night to fix.
"To YOUR standards."
To anyone's. I'm not sure she read the book and I know for a fact she didn't run the spell check.
"You have done such a wonderful job with her, Harm." She said. "I meant to tell you that earlier."
She's a good kid.
"She was a bitter angry mouthy brat when I first met her." She corrected. "Now she is a sweet funny generous happy teenager. You did that."
I didn't do that much.
"You gave her a safe place to be and a loving environment to deal with what she needed to deal with. That's a lot."
Thank you. He was still a little embarrassed about the role he played in Mattie's life particularly because it was still so up in the air.
"You are worried that you are going to lose her." It was an obvious statement, but Mac needed to be that pointed in order to bring the subject up.
Six months is up in a few weeks. I'll be getting a court date any day now and the surprise visit from CPS."
"You can handle that."
Yeah, I suppose. I really wanted us to be in a house right now, but it just didn't work out.
"They will see that she is well taken care of."
Maybe, but I am sure Tom will want custody.
"What does Mattie want?"
I haven't asked her. He added quickly. But I will, when the time is right.
"What do you want?"
I want her with me, but I also want her to have a relationship with her father.
"If she goes back to live with him...?"
Then I will be the weekend … whatever.
"At least you won't lose contact with her."
No, but I imagine it will be a little like what you and Chloe have. You don't get to see her as much as you would like, but she is never far from your daily life.
"True ... I wonder? Should we try to get Chloe and Mattie together?"
That sounds interesting and expensive. Two fifteen-year-old girls … I shudder to think. He mocked.
Mac laughed.
So you called me. What's going on? Are you really fine?
"Yes, Yes. I was just thinking about you and thought I would give you a call."
I'm glad you did. Harm's voice became tender. Thinking about me, huh?
"Yeah …"
Can I let it go to my head?
"Could I stop you?" She laughed and splashed some water.
What is all that splashing?
"I am in the bathtub."
The bathtub?
She could feel the smile spread across his face even over the phone line. "Yeah ... it's a great tub. Big enough for two." She said slyly.
Oh, Mac -- you are killing me.
"Am I?" She cooed not so innocently.
A beautiful woman calling me for no reason other than she was thinking about me from her bathtub big enough for two…
"Yeah?" She loved his reaction.
Talk about good for someone's ego. Life just doesn't get any better.
"Oh ... I can think of one or two ways it could get better." She purred.
You could?
"I could."
Well, we will have to explore those further.
"Count on it."
They were silent for a moment, neither wanting to hang up but worried about pushing the conversation any further in the direction it was headed.
"I should probably go." She said after a moment. "Getting a little pruney."
You can't ruin my visual with that, ya know.
"Your visual?"
I have an image of you in the bathtub that lives in my head.
"You do huh? From where?"
Last year.
"Oh yeah, when you said you forgot how beautiful I was." The look on his face when he said that lived in her mind as well.
I will never forget again.
She had gotten what she called for - validation. "Go do your homework, Harm." She laughed. "Pleasant dreams."
They will be now.
"I am glad I could help."
Night, Angel.
"Night." She sat up quickly in the tub. "Harm?"
Right here.
"I love you."
He sighed. Life didn't get any better. I love you too.
"Sleep well."
1556 LOCAL - Wednesday
Bethesda Hospital
"I am sure you two would like some time to discuss your options." The doctor said.
Harm and Mac both looked a little shell-shocked. Mac started to stand up but the doctor stopped her.
"Please use my office. I have another patient to see. We can talk later after you have decided what you want to do."
The information imparted in a nutshell was this: the doctor recommended that Mac have a laparoscopy with laser ablation to remove the endometriosis. It was the least invasive of the surgeries. It was outpatient but she would not be able to work for several days and should avoid all strenuous activity for at least a week and sexual activity for at least two. The surgery could be scheduled for Friday morning. Further the doctor recommended that Mac go on a heavy dose birth control to try to control any further damage and to give her body a rest. She would recommend a course for no less than six months with a review at that time to determine what should be done next. Of course if they were planning on trying to get pregnant right away, she would still recommend the surgery. With the extent of the damage, Mac would be in a great deal of pain throughout the entire pregnancy if she didn't have it.
There were more than a few uncomfortable moments. The doctor questioned Mac on when the pain was the worst. Mac didn't want to say that it was after intercourse but had to acknowledge that it was. She also didn't want to acknowledge that the birth control method she had been using was condoms. During that part of the discussion she could not look at Harm. If she had, she would have seen no outward signs of him having any kind of reaction at all, but she wouldn't have been too far off if she surmised that he was completely torn up inside. He never wanted to have the image of Mac and Webb in bed or know anything about those relations, but he was forced to see it. It made him feel somehow out of place.
Further when discussing the idea of getting pregnant Mac asked about all the 'scientific' methods but the doctor quickly told her that the 'old fashion' way was preferable and should be tried first. If that didn't work after several months, then a more direct approach could be taken. Harm was unsure how he was supposed to take that line of questioning from Mac, but by then he was just hanging on by the skin of his teeth.
The doctor left them alone. Harm was waiting for Mac to speak. "So I guess that is it then." She said.
"What is it?" He asked.
"Well the doctor knows what she is doing – at least more than we do – we should listen to her."
"Mac, she gave us options and her recommendation."
"I know; I was here." She got up and moved away from him.
"Right." Harm felt a wall forming.
"So what do you think?" She asked him with an even voice clearly being restrained.
"I think the surgery is probably in order."
"Agreed."
She waited.
Harm took a deep breath and braved the next statement. "I think we should try to get pregnant as soon as we can."
"We have a lot to discuss before we do that." She was still acting standoffish.
"Yes we do." He stood and crossed to be closer to her. "And we will discuss all of it now that we have the facts about this … we have time."
He was being so kind and gentle. It finally got to Mac. "Stop it." She snapped at him.
"Stop what?" He was forcing himself to be calm.
"Stop being so damn understanding." She moved away.
"Excuse me?"
"Why aren't you pissed off or irritated or … affronted."
"What good would it do?" He snapped back at her.
"It would let me know that it is really you standing there and not some watered down version of you."
"What do you want me to say Mac? Do you want me to say that I HATE the fact that you were sleeping with Webb? Do you want me to be snide and caustic now that I have knowledge about the two of you – knowledge that no man should have about the woman he loves and another man? Or would you rather I be AFFRONTED that our relationship … for as long as it lasts … will have started out of necessity rather than love? Is that what you want?"
"Is it the truth?" She had gotten what she asked for and was now sorry for it.
"There are elements of truth in all of that." He held firm.
"What the hell are we doing?" She threw herself down in the chair.
He was not ready to back down. "In reference to what?"
She watched him for a long moment. "Do you want to know what I am so pissed off about?"
He shrugged a nod.
"I am pissed off that we have to think about all of this … I don't want to be this … this … this practical … this analytical about something that should be felt … something natural … a baby is not something to be strategized or planned."
Harm was in silent agreement.
"And you know what the worst is?" She shook her head. "That damn baby deal … if we had never made that deal would we be here right now?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, what would be different now if we had not made that deal? On the face of it, you never would have renewed your offer last week and we never would have had a reason to discuss this damn endometriosis."
"Facts not in evidence --."
She cut him off. "By the same token … if we had not made that deal would it have taken something like this to get us together or would a whole series of events been different?"
"Mac." He tried to stop her tirade.
"Like Sydney Harbor … "
"Mac."
"My relationship with Mic …"
"Mac."
"Like Paraguay."
"MAC!" He raised his voice. "Stop … just stop. The 'what if's and the suppositions are pointless."
"Pointless?"
"Yes. We are here. We are now. And we are going to deal with this and get through it – TOGETHER."
She cocked her head and looked at him sincerely. "You really mean that."
"Why wouldn't I mean it? Did you think that when things got a little sticky … a little uncomfortable that I would walk away?"
"Let's just say that I wouldn't have been surprised."
"Damn you Mac – you know me better than that."
Mac was immediately sorry that she had said what she did. "I do. I do know you better than that. I'm sorry."
"Fine."
She went over to him and placed her hand on the folded arms across his chest. "I am really sorry."
He pulled her into an embrace. "I know. I'm sorry too."
"Of all the stuff that has happened in the last … whatever … this is the one that was totally out of my control. I am having a hard time with that."
"You do like to be in charge." He pulled her more tightly to him.
"You're no passive receiver either, you know." She added.
"Not usually … usually I like to save the day. But I can't this time." He pulled back a little. "Can we make a plan?"
She nodded.
They each sat back down, but held each other's hand.
"I could probably take Friday and Monday off." She started.
"I could swing Friday morning and probably the afternoon." He said. "How about if you stay with me?"
"Harm."
"Look … it makes good sense. Mattie and Jennifer will both be there and the doctor says that you shouldn't be left alone for the first forty-eight hours."
"That means we will need to bring Jennifer into the loop."
"What makes you think for a minute she is out of the loop? Are you kidding? All we have to do is ask her to keep it quiet and give her the bare minimum of details."
"Alright." She exhaled. "And after that?"
"How about we take this one step at a time. We will have time to talk after the procedure."
"But you already know what you want." She suggested.
"Mac, all I know is that I want you and what that means is … whatever it takes for us."
"We have a lot to discuss."
"I know."
He pulled her back into an embraced. Mac wondered. 'Was there really that much to discuss or was it just a matter of accepting reality?'
