Title: In A Garden

Chapter Three

By: LizD

Written: January 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

In A Garden – Part 3

Mac checked herself out of the hospital before her doctor was ready for her to go. She had to get back to work. Alan apologized and asked to come home. Mac did not argue but locked him out of the bedroom. Chloe had come down months ago to help with Hailey and the new baby; she stayed on, more to keep an eye on Alan than Hailey or Mac.

To anyone who did not know her, Mac was fine. In fact she was more on top of her career game than she ever had been. Her mind was clear and open to ideas. She took on as much as they would give her and showed no sign of stress of overload. She did not become a workaholic – she worked her 45 hours (like always) and went home to be with her daughter. She was just much more efficient, proficient and insightful.

To anyone who did know her – she was a mere shell of her old self. She found no joy in anything. The only time she let her guard down was when she was alone with Hailey. It was as if she had taken all her emotions, feelings, her passion and packed them in thick cotton or bubble wrap so that nothing could shake or rattle them any more.

This went on for a little more than three weeks. Chloe pretended that Mac was OK and that she would snap out of it. She fielded calls from Harriet, Meredith and Harm. She told them Mac was fine and would return their calls when she was ready. Only about a third of the messages were passed on (none of Harm's made it through). Chloe thought she was protecting Mac.

Alan became increasingly more frustrated that Mac was not trying to put their marriage back together. He started working longer hours and occasionally not coming home at night until he was not coming home at all. Mac noticed his frustration and his absence. It made her sad, but she didn't do anything about it. She had loved Alan at one time, loved him very much, but something between them was broken. It was broken before they lost the baby; it was shattered beyond repair after. Not that she blamed him; she just couldn't place her trust in him. She wasn't mean or nasty, just very still. She couldn't find the love she once had for him. She hoped in time things would change, but she had no real faith in that happening.

Alan was done waiting. When he met her nearly four years before he thought he was ready to settle down and she was the one woman he could wake up to every day for the rest of his life. That lasted a couple of years. He blamed his job. It was not conducive to the picket fence and hamburger Thursdays. His infidelity was calculated, the easiest way he knew to correct a mistake and take the blame on himself. He never counted on Mac forgiving him the first time, was totally blown away the second time when she didn't kick him out. It took the last time of being caught in bed with the nanny when she was pregnant with their second child to get her to take final action. This time Alan would have to take action.

He showed up one morning and announced that he was moving out.

"There is no reason to stay," he said dropping his suitcases by the door.

Mac thought for a moment. "Hailey?"

"I will be there for her."

"I never suggested that you wouldn't be."

"Living like this can't be good for her either," he waited for Mac to answer. She didn't. "Do you want to file or should I?"

"I will."

"Cause?"

"Irreconcilable Differences"

"Not infidelity? Refusal of conjugal rights?"

"No."

Mac was fair until the bitter end. "I am sorry Mac," he said.

"So am I, Alan." With that he was gone. For the first time in months Mac felt like things were going to be OK. She took on most of the responsibility for the failure of her marriage and because of that, she forgave him his indiscretions as soon as the door was closed. She did that for Hailey. If only she could forgive herself for losing the baby so easily.

Later that same day, Mac had gone into Chloe's room to look for a book that Chloe had borrowed. She found Harm's card stuck in it like a bookmark. It struck Mac as odd that Chloe would have it.

"What's going on, Mac?" Chloe's voice called from the doorway. She noticed the book in her hand. "Oh, yeah. I am done with it; you can have it back."

"Where did you get this?" Mac held up the card.

"From him. The day he was at the hospital," she did not look embarrassed or caught.

"You kept it?"

"He said if you ever needed anything that you should call him. So I hung on to it."

"You didn't feel the need to tell me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Cause you are fine. You don't need him back in your life screwing it up."

"That is not your decision to make, Chloe."

"If you really wanted to talk to him, you would have called him with or without the card."

She had a point there, but Mac was not about to give up hers. "Chloe."

"He called a couple, three times – maybe four . . . five."

"Protecting me from anyone else?"

"Harriet . . . Meredith."

Mac shook her head, sat down on the bed and motioned for Chloe to join her. She took a deep breath. "Do you really believe that I am fine?"

"Yes," she sounded like she wanted to believe rather than that she did. "Well you will be soon enough."

"Then why do you feel the need to keep the people who care about me away from me?"

"I wasn't keeping them away – I was just – I was –," she stumbled over her words. "I was giving you a little space."

"I appreciate that, but I really am fine."

"I know."

"So no more games."

"I feel like you are scolding me like I am fifteen again."

"Well?" Mac smiled as if to say she was acting like she was fifteen.

"OK. OK. No more games."

"Good." Mac kissed her forehead and got up to leave.

"Are you going to call him?" Chloe asked before Mac could leave.

"I don't know. Maybe."

"What would Alan say?"

"Alan is gone. He left this morning and won't be back." Mac held up her hand. "Before you say anything – he is Hailey's father. He loves her and I won't have you filling her head with your opinion of him."

"The man is toe jam."

"Chloe."

She exhaled forcefully. "If she asks me a direct question?"

"You let me handle it."

"So what are you going to do about Harm?"

"He is three thousand miles away with a new life of his own. Don't worry. I doubt he is interested in making room in his life for me," she smiled and left.

"I wouldn't bet on that." Chloe said to the empty room.

Mac was reading that night and was absentmindedly fingering Harm's card. She realized she wasn't reading or rather she wasn't getting beyond one particular paragraph. She closed the book and focused on the card.

Southern California Child Advocacy

Harmon Rabb, Jr.

Attorney At Law

It listed his office number, his cell phone number and an e-mail address. She got up and turned her computer on. While it was booting she chuckled to herself. "Chicken," she pulled her cell phone from the recharging unit, scrolled for a number and waited for it to connect.

"Harriet, hi it's Mac. Did I catch you putting the kids to bed?"

The conversation went on, apparently Harriet had Bud on bed duty and she was on KP. The two old friends talked for a long time about many different things. Harriet had some insight to what Mac was feeling – guilt being the worst. It did help to talk about it. It was agreed that Mac and Hailey and Chloe, if she wanted to, would come out to visit the Roberts in San Diego in a couple of weeks. It would be AJ's birthday and he would love to have his Godmother at his ninth birthday. Mac had some time off that she hadn't taken.

"It will be a little crowed here." Harriet warned. "But the girls can share a room, Jimmy can bunk in with AJ and you can have Jimmy's room. If you and Chloe don't mind bunk beds."

"Oh Harriet that is too much. I don't want to impose on you like that. We'll stay at a hotel or something."

"Really it is no imposition. It will be great having you."

"Let's talk about that later when I can confirm how long I can take. I have taken on quite a case load and it may take me a little while to shake free."

Harriet knew that Mac would fill the loss with work. "They can spare you for a week or more."

There was a stiff silence as Mac wanted to bring up a topic but didn't know how. Harriet – insightful Harriet – did it for her.

"Did I tell you that I am working for Harm now?"

"Working for?"

"Well it is more like 'with' and it is only part time. He needed someone to organize the lawyers."

"I don't understand."

"You know he opened an advocacy firm to help children right?"

"Bud mentioned that at the admiral's retirement."

"Well, we don't charge for services so we need to find lawyers to work pro bono. That is the easy part. We have tapped into a pool of some of the best lawyers in southern California. Not over using them and finding the money to pay for the lights and the paper clips is the hard part. And of course my salary," she laughed.

"How do you do it?"

"Fund development and lobbying. I am the fund developer and Harm is our lobbyist as well as the chief counselor. In fact Harm will be in Washington in a couple of days trying to get funding to move into a larger office."

"Is he?"

"The agency is very busy and we have out grown our space. There are three paralegals, two secretaries and a lawyer on staff as well as Harm and myself. I have got to hand it to him; Harm discovered a huge need in this community. It is frightening to think about how many kids were just getting lost in the system."

"Lost?"

"Not literally lost, but that their needs were not being addressed or even considered. A lot of what we do is filing of wills and custody agreements. We rarely – if ever – go to court. Most of what we do is through arbitration. In fact we have kept a ton of cases from going to court. Better for the kids."

"It sounds like you are doing some good work."

"It is all Harm. He is different now, you know."

"Different how?"

"I am not sure I can put my finger on it. He is still the guy who is always trying to do the right thing, but it is not so black and white anymore. It is as if he has seen the grays in life."

"The grays?"

"Could be that he sees so many in the mirror every morning," she laughed. "Seriously, he used to focus on the winning or losing, the right or wrong – the black or white. You know Harm, he would lose if he thought it was the right thing to do, and let you know that he let you win which in the end made him still feel like he won."

"At all costs - I remember."

"But, now he works for compromise. I guess that makes sense when you are dealing with kids."

"Kids are the great equalizers."

"And you should see him with his. I have never met anyone so patient in my entire life and the kids are great." Harriet pulled the phone away for a moment, and then came back on the line. "Hey, Mac I need to go. Cassia is having trouble going to sleep."

"Go. I will talk to you soon."

They hung up. Mac again looked at Harm's business card. She smiled and tucked it inside her organizer. She shut off the computer and went to check on Hailey.

A couple of days went by. Mac still had Harm's card tucked into her organizer. She saw every time she opened it. Chloe and Hailey had planned a day trip to the ocean so Mac was on her own. That morning she called Meredith to meet for lunch. It was decided that AJ would join them because – well he was retired and bored stiff. Well Mac arrived Meredith was alone at the table.

"Where is AJ?" She asked after they exchanged hellos.

"He is actually having lunch with Harmon Rabb – of all people." Meredith smiled. "He called just as we were leaving."

"Really. You didn't ask him to join us?"

"I didn't think you would like that and AJ felt like he intruded on our lunch anyway."

"No, No, not at all. I love AJ and I would like to see Harm again."

"Well, they are set to meet at a place not far from here. That new Japanese place?"

"Oh, I have been wanting to try that."

"So should we crash their party?"

"We should." They giggled like schoolgirls and left.

About five minutes later, Mac and Meredith walked up to Harm and AJ in the bar. Their table wasn't ready.

"Hey sailors, come here often?" Meredith said as she wrapped her arm around Harm.

Harm returned the hug. "Every time I am in port – best looking women in this hemisphere," he joked and then noticed Mac. "Mac?"

"Hi."

AJ had gotten up to give Mac a hug. It was a genuine loving hug and she saw the same genuine concern in Harm eyes. It was so nice to be with these people again tears nearly came to her eyes.

Harm and she exchanged a quick embrace as well – it seemed appropriate some how. The four had a very nice lunch talking about old times and new times but keeping it as close to the surface as a public luncheon of old friends can handle.

Eventually lunch was over. No one needed to be anywhere at any specific time so it was hard to know when to end it. AJ feigned some excuse to get Meredith out of there (something to do with refurbing the house). Harm had offered to pick up the check, but was usurped by Mac (she was still working for pay).

Harm and Mac waited for the valet to bring up their cars.

"Thanks for lunch, Mac."

"My pleasure." Mac's car arrived. "It was good seeing you Harm."

He didn't want to let her get away anymore than she wanted to leave. "What are you doing tonight?" He asked.

"Tonight?"

"I have this reception to go to. It will be a dry as toast. The drinks will be warm and the hors d'oeuvres will be cold."

"You paint such a lovely picture."

"I will take you out for a late supper to make up for it."

She hesitated and he read that as she didn't want to go but didn't know how to get out of it.

He tried to help, "If you would rather not, I'll understand."

"No, no it is not that. It's just that I promised Hailey that we would spend the evening together."

"Oh. Big plans, huh?"

"Big plans?" She smiled at herself because they were big to her. She had been looking forward to them all day. "Mac-n-cheese, Little Mermaid, a bath and a bed time story."

"Macaroni and Cheese?" He laughed.

"I make a mean mac-n-cheese," she smiled. "In fact I think it's your recipe."

"Nice to know I taught you something." His eyes flashed. "Well, maybe next time I'm in town."

"Sure. Or when I am in San Diego."

"You are coming to San Diego?"

"Harriet invited us. We should be there for AJ's birthday. Not sure when we will get there."

"Sir?" The attendant said again firmly. "Your car!"

Harm handed him the tip and motioned that he would be right there. "Do you have a little time?"

"When? Now?"

"Yeah, how about we take a walk. There is a great park just up the street."

Mac nodded. "I have some time before Hailey gets back."

Moments later Mac and Harm had parked their cars and were strolling through a lovely spring day in Washington.

"So you are making the big trip west, huh?"

"Yeah. I thought it would be good for Hailey and me to get away for a little while."

"Chloe coming with you?" Mac had told them at lunch that Chloe had transferred to Georgetown and was living with her.

"Maybe. I haven't really discussed it with her yet."

There was a stiff silence as Harm thought about what he wanted to say. "She didn't give you any of my messages did she?" He asked which did not feel as out of the blue as it was.

"No, sorry. Don't hold it against her."

"I won't"

"She is turning into a very wonderful woman."

"She has a little more growing up to do."

Mac nodded.

"How are you, Mac?" His voice was full of pathos and pain at her loss. He had been waiting for a time to ask her how she felt – emotionally. He could see that she was not back up to par physically.

"I'm OK," she smiled sadly. "I am going to be OK."

He reached out and pressed her hand quickly just to let her know that she didn't need to say anything else if she didn't want to. She didn't.

Harm changed the subject. "Where are you staying in San Diego?"

"Harriet, of course, is insisting that we stay with them."

"It will be very crowded."

"She has a houseful already. So I have a travel agent looking for a cottage to rent on the beach. Hailey would love that."

"There are some great rentals."

"Some very nice rentals," she echoed. "Not in my price range though."

"How long do you think you will stay?"

"A week – maybe two. Depends on how much time I can take."

"Keeping you pretty busy these days, are they?"

"Very."

Harm thought for a moment. Mac listened to the silence and let her mind drift. She was actually just enjoying the moment. Being in the company of someone that didn't want anything from her was the best reward she could have asked for.

"So, here's the thing," Harm stumbled out. "I think you ought to say with me when you come to San Diego."

That was out of the blue. Mac was floored and the moment was broken. Harm now wanted something from her. "Excuse me?"

"Hear me out. I have a much larger house than Harriet and Bud and at least one less kid. I won't charge you rent but you will have to do your own laundry. I have a second car that is just sitting there – you don't get the Vette," he smiled. "I have seen you drive."

"Don't start." She forced a smile.

"I live about five minutes from the beach and about twenty minutes from Bud and Harriet. I am working – might be able to take some time – but not much. You would have the run of the house during the day,"

"Harm."

"I make breakfast every morning – it would be included in the price."

"It is a very generous offer, but I don't know." This was going to be harder to get out of than the dinner invitation.

"I promise I won't intrude on your vacation. You can stay as long as you want and we don't even have to talk or see each other."

"That's a hell of an invitation, sailor."

"What I mean is – that the house is big enough that we won't be on top of each other." The word "top" came out before he knew it. It stung in his ears, but he pushed on. "The house is big."

"I see," she was a little suspicious. "How can you afford this mansion working pro bono?"

"Well, actually it is not my house. It belongs to the boys." Mac shook her head. She didn't understand. "It was Linda's house – or rather it was her father's house that he let her live in. My ex-father-in-law is a very wealthy man. When he made the 'deal' for annulment, it was agreed that he would put the house in trust for the boys in lieu of child support and I would take over the note."

"Is that enough?"

"More than. There was a ton of equity in the house and the mortgage is less than most apartments. Anyway, he has set up trusts for them for education – he's expecting them both to go to Harvard or Yale law school - and he pays all the medical insurance and bills."

"Very generous."

"The boys will be well taken care of. I am very lucky that he is such a reasonable man and has a mind to spend his money like that. I work with parents everyday that are trying to raise kids on minimum wage."

"Very lucky indeed." Mac was stunned by so much information and was still at a loss as to how she was supposed to respond to his offer.

"So, how about it? You would have your own room and a bathroom. Hailey and Chloe could each have their own room. Well Chloe would have the study, but there is a comfortable couch. It is better than bunk beds and fighting for a bathroom."

Mac was unsure. "Can I think about it?"

Harm was disappointed. "Sure. Sure – whatever. I just thought I would offer. You know, old times sake and all."

"It is a very generous offer. Not sure you know what is involved – a house full of men taking on a trio of women."

"The Brady Bunch for the new millennium."

"Did you ever watch the Brady Bunch?"

"I wasn't born in a vacuum, Mac."

"Regardless – I don't care how bid the house is, inviting three people to stay at your house is a big deal."

"Not as big as you are making out," he smiled that smile. "It would nice to have you."

She felt herself being pulled toward him again. Drawn in a familiar way that she had no desire to resist.

"Think about it," he said softly and generously. "The boys would love to have you."

"I will," he didn't want anything from her other than her company, and even at that he would take what she gave and ask for nothing more.

Harm arrived home the next day. He felt lighter and happier than he had in months. He tried not to think that it was due to his conversation with Mac the day before, but there really was no other reason for it. They had a very nice conversation in the park. After their discussion of her lodging out west, they talked about a hundred other things until it was time for her to go. They talked about the state of the world, their career changes, family, friends. None of it was really deep or earth shattering, it was just nice. They played and jibbed and jabbed with each other but purposefully avoided all the landmines. After four years – nay after twelve years they each had finally grown up enough to play fairly.

Of course that was the first meeting. Who knows what would happen if they ever worked together again or worse had to share a roof.

"SHARE A ROOF? Oh God!" Harm thought to himself. "What have I done?"

What had he done? Was this just another rescue attempt? Damn it, Rabb. Harm needed to stop playing the hero with Mac. What was it about her that made him do that? Hey, don't blame her. She never asked for him to save her, help her, invite himself into her life. Why couldn't he just leave well enough alone? She was on her way west. They would have had opportunities to talk: at AJ birthday and other times. He didn't need to invite her into his home. Didn't matter anyway. She would probably turn him down, but he had to put this invitation between them. His light mood was gone. She would turn him down. Of course she would. She had to turn him down. That was the way of Harm and Mac – one would ask and the other would refuse. Why should anything have changed?

And if it had? What the hell, it was only for a week or two, they could each be on the best behavior – or not and then they would go back to not speaking to each other for another four years. Oh God, what had he done?

Harm looked around his house. It was quiet. Too quiet. The boys should have been home by then. He had called the babysitter and told her when to bring them back. Something was wrong.

"Where did you go this time?" her voice scratched through the room like fingernails on a blackboard.

He turned and was face to face with the mother of his children – NOT his wife.

"Washington," he stated flatly. "You are not supposed to be here."

"I am moving back," she was drunk – or rather on her way to being drunk.

"You think so?" He had been on this side of the Linda game before. It was old, it was tiresome, and he wasn't in the mood to play. He was only grateful that the kids were not there to see it.

"I hate my father," she had also apparently stopped taking her medication.

"He loves you," he said with as much compassion as he could muster.

"I won't live under his roof. Not for another minute."

"He paid for this house too, Linda. This is his house."

"This is MY house!"

"No, Linda. It isn't."

"You stole my house, like you stole my children," she taunted him.

He took a deep breath and tried to find calm words for her.

"DON'T YOU DARE!" She screamed at him. "DON'T YOU DARE HANDLE ME. I am so sick to death of people walking around on egg shells around me," she turned on her heel and walked away.

Harm pulled his cell phone out and dialed her father. "She is here," he said flatly and flipping the phone shut.

"Bastard. You BASTARD!!" She screamed. "You just called him, didn't you?"

"Linda you can't be here like this."

"You don't love me. You never loved me."

Truer words were never spoken, but Harm could not say that to her. "I care about our children. You can't do this, Linda. Not to yourself and not to them."

"What about you? What do you need?" She tried to get close to him but he maintained his distance.

Before he had a chance to respond, Harm's phone rang. He didn't recognize the number, but it was a Washington DC area code. He thought about not answering it, but something told him he should.

"Rabb"

"Harm, it's Mac."

"Hi," he gave a quick look a Linda and turned away.

"Who is it?" Linda demanded. Harm walked away from her. "Is that my father? You can tell him to go to HELL."

"Hi, what's up?" He said quickly hoping that Mac did not hear what he knew she heard.

"Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"Yeah, no, sort of. I just got home and need to deal with a couple of things. Can I call you back?"

"Sure, sure. Sorry. I – well – I just wanted to know if the offer was still on the table."

"Offer?"

"To stay with you? I have a line on a rental and I would need to take it today but it's not on the water and it is over an hour away. I didn't want to spend that much time in the car."

"Of course. No, that would be great. I mean – no, don't take it. The offer is still on the table. Of course it is."

"Are you sure?"

"More than. Let me call you back in an hour or so," he needed her to know that he wanted her to stay with him. "Don't take it – the rental I mean."

"Ok."

He flipped the phone shut.

"Is he on his way here?" she demanded. "I won't go with him, you know."

"Linda, you are going to have to calm down. If you don't go with your father, then you are going back to the hospital."

"I can stay here."

"No, Linda. No you can't."

"Watch me."