Title: In A Garden
Chapter Seven
By: LizD
Written: January 2004
Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.
In A Garden – Part 7
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"Mr. Rabb," the corporal's voice called from behind him. "Mr. Rabb, please take you seat. We will be landing soon."
"Thank you." Harm returned to his jump seat. He had called a few friends and gotten on a hop to San Diego on a marine transport. He would be home just as his kids were finishing breakfast.
The fact that he was less than an hour away reassured him. The fact that he had found his fight and was not about to go down without one hell of a battle reassured him. But now he was replaying the scenes from earlier that morning with Mac over and over in his head. The situation had gone from bad to worse. Spun out of control – as it were – before he could pull out – it crashed and burned. That is, he and Mac crashed and burned - again.
He left angry, very angry; angry, frustrated and abandoned – by Mac. He had no idea what Mac was feeling but that fact that she told him to leave was telling enough. The question now was how much damage did this ten-minute conversation have? Was there any way to recover from the latest incident?
It had started when he tried to leave, in hindsight he should have just driven away.
~ ~ ~ F ~ L ~ A ~ S ~ H ~ B ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ ~ ~
"He is trying to take my kids, Mac," he looked down into her face. "He is going to take my boys."
"Who?" Mac asked. She was totally unprepared for that statement.
"Lawson," he realized she didn't know whom he was talking about. "Water Lawson. Linda's father."
Mac stated the obvious. "Harm, no one is going to taking David and Alexander from you." It was obvious to her.
"I need to go," he tried to push her away and close the door.
She was immobile.
"Mac, please."
She reached over and turned off the car. "You are not going anywhere."
"Mac, let me go."
"You are in no condition to drive," her command voice was still as strong as it ever had been. "We are going to talk this through."
x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Inside Mac had made tea and Harm was pacing. She handed him the mug and nodded to the couch. They sat but Harm made no effort to explain anything.
"Harm, tell me what's going on?"
"Linda wants the boys," he stated, annoyed that he was being forced to put words to it. Giving it credence and power.
"What do you mean?"
He couldn't believe that she was making him say it twice. "She is out of the hospital and wants the boys."
"So why did you say that her father was going to take them from you?"
He got up and moved away. "Because whatever Linda wants, Linda gets."
"Is she asking for sole custody?"
"She is not asking for a damn thing," Harm raised his voice a little.
Mac quickly looked toward the hallway, worried about Hailey.
He closed his eyes and shook his head to control his anger. He did not want to wake Hailey, he did not want to discuss it rationally or otherwise; he did not want to feel this helpless. All he wanted was to be home.
"So you haven't talked to Linda?"
"I don't need to."
"Why not?"
"Because her father tells her what she wants and doesn't want."
"Harm you are not making any sense. Does Linda want them or does her father?"
He exhaled forcefully. "Six of one."
"Harm."
"Look, all I know is that Linda is out of the hospital – evidently her latest and greatest psychiatrist was able to work miracles. Hell, he convinced her that she wants to be a mother. The man ought to get a medal for that."
"Go on," she needed more of an explanation but so far she did now see anything really horrible.
"Her father came to me and said that she wanted to take over for Mrs. Johnson and watch them while I am at work. I put my foot down."
"So she is not trying to get custody."
"Mac she is incapable of taking care of those boys by herself for twenty minutes much less all day everyday."
Mac tried to find the right words. "But you haven't talked to her?"
"No," he shook his head.
"So you don't really know what her intentions are?"
"I know what Walter's intentions are. And he will get those boys over my dead body – or his."
"Is there any way to leave her father out of it?"
"How? How the hell am I supposed to do that?" he checked his voice again. "No."
"Harm," she was struggling with her word choice. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way."
"What?"
"What would be so wrong with Linda taking care of the boys while you are at work?"
"Because she is incapable," he was appalled that she would even think such a question. "She has no idea what it takes to be with them. How much energy and patients it takes. She has no idea that David hates peanut butter and jelly and Zander will eat nothing else. She doesn't know that David has asthma or that Zander pretends to have it too. She doesn't know that – forget it," he didn't want to cite all the reasons why Linda was unfit as a mother. "She doesn't know what she is asking. Hell, she probably can't tell them apart."
"Doesn't she have a right to find those things out?"
His anger was building again. "A 'right'? She has a 'right'? What about the boys' rights? Or mine?"
"She is their mother."
"You can't prove that by me."
"Harm," she fought against herself. "She may not have been a good mother THUS FAR – but that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve an opportunity to do better."
"I can't believe you are taking her side."
"I am not taking her side," she walked toward him but he kept a safe distance. "It will be hard for you, but think about this rationally."
"So now you are calling me irrational."
He was being irrational. Mac continued. "I meant it would be hard for you to share them."
He wasn't listening.
"Harm, if a woman walked into your office who had been struggling for the past two years with drug, alcohol and mental health issues but was finally on the road to better health and asked for your help to just see her kids – to try to build a relationship with them - wouldn't you help her?" she took a deep breath. "Wouldn't she deserve a second chance?"
"I don't know."
"You do know."
"I know I would not fight to give her sole custody. I would not rip her children away from a stable home – the only stable person in their lives just because she THINKS she is better."
"What makes you think she is fighting for sole custody?"
Harm flashed on the scene in the driveway. Chloe in her bikini, the boys taking toys from the bimbo, and Walter's superior 'now I've got you' look in his eyes. His words still rang in Harm's ears.
"Harm?"
"Look, I know these people and you don't," he said triumphantly. "I know what makes them tick and I know what they are capable of. It is all or nothing with them. I am done with letting them have it all. Never should have gotten involved with them in the first place."
"I really think you are overreacting."
"How the hell would you know?" he couldn't stop his voice from rising this time and it woke Hailey.
"MOMMY!" she called from the other room.
Mac got up and moved toward the hall.
"I'm sorry," he said and he meant it even if his tone did not betray that.
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Mac was back in a few minutes.
"Is she alright?" Harm asked.
"She is not used to raised voices."
"You and Alan had the perfect marriage?" he sniped.
"We did not argue – probably the death of us."
"You and I argued all the time -- didn't do much for us."
Mac took his last statement as the slap in the face it was intended to be. "You know what Harm, your side of that story is just that – YOUR SIDE."
"What the hell do you want from me, Mac?"
"I want to know if you are just taking this out on me 'cause I'm the only one in sight or if you have some old issues you want to clear up?"
"Nothing has changed, Mac."
"That is up to you, commander," she kept her voice low. "If you have something to say – then say it."
"There is nothing I can say to you," the fire in his eyes was filled with old and new anger. "Nothing that you would hear. Nothing that would make any difference at all. It is too late."
"You really believe that?"
"Damn straight. You know all the answers. You call all the shots. You always have."
She was silent for a moment. "You're right, Harm," she steeled her spine. "You better go."
"So ordered." Harm blasted out of the house.
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He needed to call and apologize. And he would – but not right away. He needed to get things with his kids squared away first. It didn't matter when the apology was anyway – she would more than likely never let him get that close again.
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Mac was up the rest of the night. She refused to consider calling him and never entertained the notion that he would call her. She wasn't angry - or let herself be angry - until he actually drove away and she knew he wasn't coming back. She had been able to control the feelings inside of her during the entire visit. Hell, she had been doing it for months – nay years – but more stringently in the past few months. But when she knew he was not coming back, that's when she got angry. Actually she was more hurt than angry.
The rest of the night one statement he made kept spinning around in her head:
"I think it has a lot to do with us. Hell probably has everything to do with us."
By itself it wasn't much. By itself, it was nothing but off the cuff remark said in a frustrated moment. The problem for Mac was that this was not a new concept to her. She had wondered recently how much of where she was, was due to where she came from – more specifically how much was as reaction to her failed relationship with Harm.
Ever since Harm came back into her life her feelings surrounding her marriage and divorce took on a decidedly philosophical bent.
Why had she left JAG? Was it because too much of him was left behind?
Why did she find Alan so attractive? Was it because he looked so much like him? She told herself NO at the time, and she did a very good job of convincing herself – and maybe it was true. Maybe it wasn't.
When she found Alan in bed with another woman and knew that he had orchestrated the "discovery", did she flash on the fact that for all of Harm's faults, he never would have done something that low? Is that why she couldn't forgive Alan – as least forgive him enough to try to make another attempt at reconciliation.
Was it interesting to note that Harm – a man she had not spoken to in years – wound up at the hospital comforting her when her daughter died before her husband did? Was it interesting or was it just a fluke?
Did her marriage fail because she was still trying to find a replacement for Harm?
Did it have anything to do with him at all? Or was this hindsight just some desperate attempt to understand and organize the randomness of her life?
Then there was the confusion surrounding her feelings for the man himself. What did she feel for him? The day at the hospital had been strange at best, but it felt good to be with him – not good, nothing felt good - it felt right. The trip to San Diego was wonderful. They were easy with each other, talking openly and being friendly. That was the Harm – the relationship - she had been hoping to have from way back when. Then came the admission that he had always loved her and the kiss. It could have been the start of a real relationship for them. But what did Mac do? She pushed him away – again. And what did Harm do? He backed off. Even that weekend, Hailey was supposed to be with Alan, but wasn't Mac a little relieved that she could keep Harm at bay with a real excuse rather than some 'bad timing' platitude. Oh no – she did both.
Maybe he was right. Maybe Mac had called all the shots in their relationship or at least enough of them to keep them from proceeding to the next level. Well it didn't matter anymore. Something was broken, but Mac was unsure what or if it was repairable.
"I think it has a lot to do with us. Hell probably has everything to do with us."
She knew why she thought that, but why would Harm think it – much less say it?
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Harm settled into an uneasy calm for the next several days. David and Alexander were home and things appeared to be fine. Chloe was not home, he didn't know where she was and for those days he really didn't care. He made an appointment with Kate Mendelson for Tuesday evening at his house. He needed a consultation.
When he wasn't paying attention to the kids or what he was going to do about Walter, he found his mind drifting back to his fight with Mac. He could not really remember anything specifically that he said. It was all just raw emotion. He didn't remember being angry with her; all he knew for sure was that he said some things that were rude and just plain wrong. He remembered thinking - in some odd section of his brain - that it was her fault. That this problem he was having with his kids was her fault. Why? He had no idea. The only thing that Harm knew for sure was that Mac was the only woman he ever pictured as the mother of his children. Why? It must have come from that silly deal they made so long ago. For those five years they worked together after making that deal, somehow he felt connected to her in the fact that whatever was going on between them, they would parent children together. A marriage may or may not have worked out; God knows the odds were against it. But they could have been co-parents. Every time he had to deal with Linda about their kids, it felt wrong. He was playing the scene with the wrong person. Maybe that is why it was Mac's fault. She was not Linda.
Harm had taken Monday off from work. He was reluctant to leave the boys alone. He had a feeling that the other shoe was about to drop. By Monday night he had decided that he was overreacting. He went back to work on Tuesday.
Kate was set to arrive at 1900. Shortly before that, Chloe came home – rather she stopped by the house.
"Best laid plans, Rabb," she scolded him in passing on her way to her bedroom. She walked out moments later with her bag over her arm. She tossed his keys on the coffee table. "So long, HARM."
"Where are you going?" he cared in a way, but not enough to fight with her to stay.
"You can't treat people like you do."
"That doesn't answer my question."
"I am staying with Mariana. I will finish the internship, but you should stay the hell away from me."
"What did Mac tell you?"
"She told me that the weekend did not go as planned. And that is all I needed to know."
"Fine Chloe – go," he started to think about defending himself. "Someday – when you grow up – you'll know that life is not black and white."
"Someday when you grow up – you'll know that the world does not revolve around you."
"You don't know what you are talking about."
"I know this – HARMON RABB – Mac deserves a hell of a lot more than you have ever been willing to give her. I know that you will not find a more loyal friend or ally – not that you deserve one. And no one - NO ONE – will ever love you as unconditionally as she does – DID. And I can only hope that it's in the past."
"Chloe!" David and Zander ran in from the back yard.
She swept them up in her arms and gave them both a strong hug. She told them that she was going, but that she would see them on their birthday. She looked up at Harm to see if he would nix that plan. He didn't.
Chloe – on her way out – met Kate – on her way in.
After several minutes of introductions, the boys were asked to go play outside. Harm adjusted his position so he could watch them in the yard.
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Kate was a good legal colleague. He trusted her. She was a single woman and flirted with Harm relentlessly but there was nothing between them.
"Harm, give me a dollar," she stated.
"Huh?"
"Give me a dollar."
He pulled a dollar out of his pocket.
"Fine – now I am your lawyer."
"I am going to be my own lawyer."
"Then you have a fool for a client."
"Yeah – yeah."
"Harm this is going to get personal – you can't be your own counsel."
"Who better?"
"Me."
He exhaled. "Kate, I can handle this. I just need some advice. I need someone who is -."
"Objective, clearheaded and dispassionate."
"Right."
"As your lawyer."
"I can't pay you."
"We'll work it out."
"Kate?"
"I'll hire you and take it out of your salary for the next twenty years."
He shook his head.
"First things first – who was the little spitfire I met on the way in."
"Friend of a friend."
"Oh?"
"She has been clerking at the firm and staying here. Like I said, the friend of a friend." Harm had a hard time believing that he was calling either Chloe or Mac a friend, but Kate did not need to know that whole story.
"Are you sleeping with her?"
"What?"
"Simple question, Rabb. Yes or No. Are you sleeping with her?"
"She's a kid," he was indignant. "I have know her since she was thirteen or fourteen."
"Got news for you Harm – she isn't a kid anymore."
"Kate!"
"Look, I know how Lawson works – he is a smear guy. He will smear you at all costs – try this thing in the media. Son-in-law of Walter Lawson, ex-Navy Pilot / hero turned lawyer now a child advocate who is fighting to keep his kids and his new twenty-something law clerk away from the poor frail daughter. It won't be pretty. Further it won't matter if any of it makes it into court, your career will be ruined. Who will fund your agency? How will you keep it open and pay for your boys' food? So I ask again – are you sleeping with her?"
"No. I am not sleeping with her."
"Sleeping with anyone?"
"It makes no difference if I am or if I am not – I am an unmarried man over the age of consent."
"Isn't that how you got into this mess in the first place," she said wryly.
He hated that Kate knew the whole story of Linda. "No. I am not sleeping with anyone."
"When was the last time you had relations with your ex-wife?"
"Is this really necessary?" Talking about his sex-life (as pitiful as it was) with a woman like Kate was not Harm's idea of fun.
"Trust me."
"Before the boys were born."
"So over two years."
"Yes."
"Before you were married."
"Yes."
"You are trying to make me believe that you never slept with your wife? Who the hell are you, Ghandi?"
"Kate – give me my dollar back. You're fired," he was only half joking.
"Just trying to find out what kind of man you are."
"A pissed off one at the moment."
The doorbell rang. Harm nodded to Kate to keep and eye on the boys.
Harm returned with a manila envelope. His face had gone from mild irritation to full blown rage. He tossed the envelope down on the table in front of Kate. It was full of pictures, some real and some doctored of Chloe and Chloe and Harm (or damn good look-a-likes) together in compromising positions.
"Like I said – Mr. Smear." Kate was right.
"Well he better watch it, 'cause I will smear him all over the sidewalk.
The doorbell rang again.
"What? Did he forget the video?"
Harm threw the door open. There was a process server – Mike Clarke - on the other side. He knew him, and knew him well.
"Mike? What are you doing here?"
"I'm sorry Harm," he said sheepishly as he handed over the papers.
Harm was resigned. "Not your fault, Mike."
He took the papers back into the living room. He was reading through them when Zander screamed from outside. Harm tossed the papers down immediately and ran to see what was going on.
A bee had stung Zander. Harm calmed him down and did the first aide thing like a good dad. Kate watched. Soon things were back to normal and the boys were at the kitchen table eating frozen fruit and juice bars. He rejoined Kate.
"You are good with them."
"They are my boys."
"Well – there is no doubt about that," she had the papers in her hand. "There is a hearing on Friday."
"A hearing?"
"To determine where the boys will live during the custody case."
He grabbed the papers from her.
"From the top, Harm. Tell me everything you know about Walter and Linda Lawson."
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