Title: In A Garden

Chapter Nine

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

In A Garden – Part 9

Harm and Mac – nay, Sarah - had made love into the wee hours of the morning. The kind of love she knew they would make after he walked back into her life those few short months ago. It was passionate and mature; it was nourishing and yet left her hungry. It awoke all her senses with nostalgia and hope. She felt more alive than she had in memory – as she knew she would with him – which is what had held her back and ultimately freed her to follow her desire.

What she had not expected – particularly with him – was the feeling of ease, of completeness, of being so utterly connected to another living soul. She had never known that kind of wholeness – that yin meeting its yang – the unshakable balance of two halves making a whole. It was foreign to her – yet he was familiar. She knew the feeling would fade, yet he would remain – but for how long? She took consolation in that the memory of that connection would be tucked away in the shadows of her mind – etched permanently for all time – in spite of all the tomorrows.

Every muscle in her body had relaxed its tension – tension that had been sustained for most of her adult life and released on few rare special occasions. She knew it was only temporary – that the dawn would come and she would need to face the reality of her life. She knew that she would need to take back her control. The muscles would constrict – as they always had – and she would again rely on no one. It was in the quiet moments in the dead of night that she mourned the life she dreamed of but was unable to find. That night – for a little while – just a little while – in the warmth of his cool blue eyes – she had tasted what she had been looking for. She was safe, protected, content. The world made sense. It had purpose, meaning and joy. She had no need to control. All she had to do was give freely and accept willingly. It was all so simple and it would simply pale away with the light of day.

Mac curled back into his arms when he slipped back into bed after checking on the boys. He pulled her tightly to him and pressed his lips to her brow. She turned into him totally - tucked one leg between his, wrapped her arm around his waist and laid her head on the rising and falling of his chest. His fingers gently stroked her arm and back causing her desire to build again.

"What time is it?" she asked not really wanting to break the moment but feeling the need to at least break the silence.

"Just after two," he whispered into her hair. It took him a moment to realize that he had never heard that question from her before. He pulled her tighter thinking about the Mac he had known and the Sarah he knew now.

"I need to be back at the base by 0530," she kept her voice soft.

"So early?"

"I've got to catch a transport home."

"You are going today?" the disappointment was thick in is voice.

"I'll be back," she nuzzled closer. "The case will probably last two to three weeks."

Harm pressed her selfishly to him. "So why go?"

"I need to get Hailey."

"You didn't bring her?"

"Alan was supposed to take her this weekend."

Harm felt the muscles in her shoulders constrict and cramp and knew immediately she was pulling out of the haven that they had created. He rubbed the flat part of his palm over her shoulders and got the muscles again to relax.

"The boys will love to have her here again," he commented.

"Harm, we can't stay here," she sat up on her elbow and looked down on him. "Don't do that to yourself."

He looked up at her and realized that it was too much reality at too early an hour. The noise of Alan, Linda, children, living arrangements, work, logistics, where Harm and Mac went from there was too much, too soon and it was invading their sanctuary. He pulled her mouth to his and silenced it. Silenced it all.

She lay back down and nestled back into his embrace.

"I could fly you back," he said after a moment. "We could make it a family trip."

The word 'family' hung in her ears. She felt herself sliding into the comfort of his control. He would take care of them – all of them. She smiled at the idea that maybe she wouldn't have to take back her charge – at least not completely. But it was too soon to think that. "Fly us?"

He pushed some hair away from her face. "Frank has access to the company jet."

"They let you fly it?"

"I am on staff," he stated triumphantly.

She looked suspicious.

"I am a good pilot, Mac."

"The best pilot/lawyer I know," she smiled not wanting to point out all the 'hard landings' they had shared so long ago.

He smiled as he thought about them too. "We could be back for BBQ tonight."

"If we left right now," she added.

"Soon," he confirmed.

"I have no intention of moving for the next couple of hours," she closed her eyes.

"Or we could come back tomorrow," he rolled her over on her back so he could see her face.

"I like that plan much better."

"I have another plan that you will like," he leaned down over her and explained the details without words. Again they were the only two people in the world. They were getting so much better at non-verbal communication.

The first lights of day were eking up over the horizon. Harm new the lights well, it was not the first time he witnessed them intruding on the safety and quiet of night. That morning was different – the pale gray lights of dawn looked different. They weren't rude reminders of what was and what was bound to be. They were hopeful whispers of what could be. Maybe his life was taking another turn – maybe the last and final turn – then for the remainder of his days, his years – he would be whole. He would want nothing more for himself alone – he would be a part of something larger. Maybe – maybe this dawn was trying to tell him that. Trying to comfort him. Trying to warn him to take heed.

She lay beside him breathing deeply in sleep. She was so relaxed. She had completely given herself over to him. How thrilling. How arousing. What an aphrodisiac it was to know that she was completely at his mercy. It was an honor, a privilege and a responsibility to be so entirely trusted by her – a woman who rarely gave an inch – was giving it all to him.

Harm traced the curves of her spine and the slopes of her back until little goose bumps arose and she moaned her sleepy pleasure. He placed a lingering kiss the soft spot behind her ear, the birthmark on her shoulder, and the angle between her shoulder blades. His desire to possess her again before he had to let her go was becoming uncontrollable.

She rolled immodestly over toward him and relished the admiration she saw in his eyes and felt in his caress as he cherished her body with eyes, fingers and lips.

"Harm," she tried to divert his attention.

"Hmnnnnn," he would not be diverted.

"Harm," she moaned her pleasure and disapproval. "We have to get up."

"Not yet," he would still not be diverted.

"Don't make me make it an order commander," she said playfully leaning into his caress.

"I'm giving the orders here, colonel." His muffled comment came back to her.

A dull thud came as the paperboy threw the Saturday edition at the house. It startled Mac and she tried to pull away from him. He would not let her go.

"I should go before the boys wake up," she said harshly and exerting her will to leave his embrace. "I need to catch that transport."

"I thought we settled that," he claimed maintaining his hold.

"Harm stop," she pushed him back a little too rudely. The switch had been flipped.

The now yellow lights of dawn were streaming across her face; her body had gone taut. She was in charge. He leaned away from her. She pulled the sheet up around her. The spell was broken.

"Oh, Mac," disappointment was heavy in his eyes.

"Harm, last night was incredible, but you can't think that --."

"I do Mac." He interrupted. "I do think that it changes everything."

"That is not what I was going to say. It does change things, but – well – not everything."

He shook his head fighting his rising irritation.

"I was going to say that we can't –" she was at a loss for words. "In spite of the changes, we can't be together right now."

"Must be some kind of world record," he said snidely triumphant.

She didn't understand.

"I was able to keep you from saying that for over eight hours," he mocked, "Bad timing be damned."

"Am I wrong?"

"Yes."

"I don't think --."

"Sarah, I don't know what you thought last night was about – maybe that is my fault, I should have been more clear – but for me – it wasn't just LAST NIGHT. It wasn't about the first night of -"

"Harm I am in the middle of a divorce, and –."

"- And I am about to start a custody battle," he got up and walked away from her. "I know. I know that you and I live three thousand miles apart. I know that you have a daughter and I have two sons. I know that making a life with you will take a lot of concerted effort – on both our parts. I know that we both have ex-spouses/parents to our children in our lives that will forever intrude – and I don't have to like that, but I can deal with it. I know that it won't be easy and I know that it won't be without its setbacks. I know all that."

"Harm."

"No," he held up his hand to silence her. "You are either going to commit to this or you aren't."

"It is not that I don't want to."

"That is exactly what it is," he stated. "Sarah, you need to decide. If I have to beg, plead and cajole you - convince you at every turn that it will be fine – then something is wrong. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe you don't love me enough –."

"Harm, don't."

"- Maybe that is the real reason it never happened before. Maybe that is the reason why bad timing always prevailed."

"Harm, please."

"No. No 'please', no 'you have to understand', no 'bad timing'. Don't ask me to let you walk away, Sarah," he was adamant. "If you go -."

"What?" she was now getting a little upset herself.

He was appalled that she could be angry. She had no right to be mad. "WHAT? Did you think I was going to give you an ultimatum?"

"Weren't you?" she said haughtily.

"No. If you go – you go for your own reasons, and you will need to figure those out for yourself. I am offering you everything I have to offer. If that is not enough to get you through the tough times ahead – then we are truly fair weather –," he shook his head looking for a word to define what they were to each other. He couldn't find it.

"Harm."

He exhaled decisively and sat back down on the bed. "Mac look. I don't want to make this a challenge or a fight. I don't want to back you into a corner and dare you to do something you don't want to do."

"It's really not like that, Harm."

"But I don't think I can let you just walk away – not with my blessing or even my understanding."

"I am thinking about you."

He laughed. "Are you? That's funny."

"Don't."

"Thinking about me? Hmm. Well, then I will tell you about me. I would rather struggle everyday with you by my side, than to have it easy and neat - alone." A puzzled expression washed over his face. "Do you understand that?"

"Daddy!" Zander's voice called from his bedroom. "Daddy!"

He stood up and pulled on his shorts and t-shirt. "Clean towels in the linen closet and the hot takes a little while to warm up," he paused by the door. "It is up to you Colonel Sarah MacKenzie. You have the power and control. You can make or break us. Just like always … this time," he added. "This time you know all that I am thinking and feeling. What about you?"

A short while later Mac was fresh from the shower and had put the dress she had worn back on. Harm caught her out of the corner of his eye as she came into the kitchen. She was a cool breath of summer. She greeted the boys and asked them all kinds of questions about their birthday. They answered and shot just as many back about Hailey and if she was coming to their party.

Harm put some coffee down in front of her and asked if she wanted breakfast. She tried to catch his eye, but he would not maintain eye contact. She got up to get some juice from the counter and stood just behind him. Sliding her arm half way around his waist, she kissed his shoulder.

"Is that ride to Washington still good, flyboy?" she whispered.

He looked down into her bright eyes. Her look said she was there to stay – wherever 'there' was or would lead.

He kissed her and pulled her to him. "I hate it when you call me that." He called to his sons, "Boys, what do you think - you want to go for an airplane ride today?"

The cheers were deafening and the smiles on the lovers were real. A new family was born.

The flight was fine – just a little turbulence over the plains. The boys laughed it off and tried to calm Mac down: chips off the old block. Harm had called another staff pilot and friend, Jerome Walker, to co-pilot. Walker had family in the Washington area that had yet to meet his girlfriend so he was glad to make the quick turn around. They arrived in the early afternoon. Hailey was so excited about the boys coming she made the baby sitter make a special cake for them – carrot naturally.

The new family spent the afternoon and evening playing until the kids pooped out. It was quiet time for Harm and Mac. He made a fire and she made tea.

"Do you know that I never drank tea before I met you?" she said settling into the over stuffed sofa.

"I have had all kinds of influences on you, I guess," he sat down next to her. "This is a great house."

"I love it. Loved it from the moment I saw it."

"They boys sure love that yard."

"Real trees and a creek pale in comparison to palm trees and a pool?"

"Nothing wrong with growing up out west," he said cockily. "You know what this house needs?"

"What?"

"A man's touch."

"Oh?"

"The floors need to be refinished, need to rethink the wall paper in the guest bathroom, you have dry rot on the back steps and the chimney needs a good sweep."

"That's all?" she smiled.

"Well, if you were to ask me – the wall in the kitchen needs to be pushed out and the stove and refrigerator need to be swapped. And I would do the floor it in slate, not tile," he smiled. "If you were to ask me."

"Well, Alan was never good with his hands and you know me – all thumbs."

He pulled her hand to his lips. "You have other skills with you hands."

Her eyes flashed. "Good answer," she sat up and kissed him quickly. She looked around the living room. "I have had this house forever – I thought you would have seen it."

"When?"

"I bought it before you left JAG."

"You did? You mean this is not your and Alan's house?"

"No. When did I buy it? I guess – well I moved in late April early May."

"Right before I left, I didn't know you bought a house."

Mac got a far away look in her eye – they were not getting along back then and there were a lot of secrets and a lot of things that just were never discussed.

"I was thinking about a family," she said a little too quickly trying to change the subject of their past issues. It didn't. "Didn't want to have a baby in my apartment."

"A baby?" he was confused. "Oh right, you were with Webb. Whatever happened to him?"

"Webb is somewhere in the Middle East. He'll never change. Loves the intrigue."

"Isn't he getting a little long in the tooth for playing spy?"

"I suppose," she looked back at the fire. "You know Harm, Webb and I were never together." What was wrong with her? Too much reality can be a bad thing.

"But you said -," he paused to let the realization take hold.

The memories of that day at the Roberts' – AJ fifth birthday – came flooding back to him. She had let him believe – all that time from Paraguay until he left – she had let him believe that she was with Webb. The first explanation that leapt to mind – strictly from a hurt ego – was because she had wanted to push him away – keep him away. That she had no desire to be with him and making him believe she was with someone else was the cleanest way to do that. She wouldn't have to defend or justify herself.

He got up and tended the fire.

Mac felt a fight coming on – an old fight. She braced herself for what was to come next. Recriminations, reproaches and accusations were all probable. Probable? They were a better than even bet. He would blame her for the time they lost. If only she had spoken up. If only . . .

But on Harm's further consideration, it occurred to him that she actually had never said anything about at relationship with Webb – not really. He had said it all – assumed it. He never gave her a chance. She could have spoken up, but why make an effort to tell someone the truth who has no interest in hearing it?

After a moment he said softly, "I'm sorry," he said keeping his back to her.

It threw her for a loop. She was expecting almost anything but an apology. "Sorry?"

He looked back at her. "I was pretty awful to you."

"I remember you giving up everything to save my life."

"Yeah, well -," he was thinking that the 'everything' he gave up paled in comparison to losing her. "After that – I was pretty awful."

"I was no walk in the park."

"And look at us now." His smile faded quickly.

Mac paused trying to think of the best way to get back to the present. "I guess we both needed a little perspective."

"Perspective is one thing, but starting a whole knew life is quite another."

Harm chose not to add 'and not looking back'. That statement would unduly hurt both of them, but he believed it. He believed that neither of them looked back until they had meet at the admiral's party. In the time they had been apart, he rarely – if ever – allowed himself to think 'if only'. He could never really accept that Linda was his wife and the mother of his children. It was not supposed to be her. It was supposed to be Mac, but he only knew that right then. Well more specifically when she showed up at his house the night before and he kissed. Then he knew – and knew for sure – Mac and he were a unit.

"Anyway – I'm sorry."

She nodded and was worried that again, somehow the night was ruined – not unlike it was a week before, except this time she stuck her foot in it.

"This is really a great house," he said again, trying to get the conversation back on a safer course.

"You know, Alan hated this house. From the moment he set foot in it," she smiled. "He said it reminded him of his grandmother's house – drafty and cold."

"I can see that," he touched the bay window. "Could use a little weatherizing. As I said, it needs a man's touch."

"You know, Harm," she purred at him. "The kitchen, the windows and the dry rot are not the only things around here that need a man's touch."

He saw the frisk in her eyes and returned it. He slid down on the other side of the couch and pulled her legs on to his lap and started seductively rubbing her foot and up her calf.

"You have great hands," she leaned her head back and closed her eyes. "I am going to give you sixty minutes to stop that," she cooed.

"I give you six minutes before you can't take it any more." His confidence was founded in reality.

"Mommy!" Hailey called from her room.

"Or six seconds." Mac exhaled loudly and looked up at him with disappointment in her eyes. "She is still too excited about going back to San Diego."

"Go on," he released her. "I'm not going any where."

"She probably won't get any sleep at all tonight," she stroked his cheek and kissed him sweetly as she slipped away.

"Keep that up, and neither will you," he whispered after she disappeared down the hall.

She was back in a moment. "Uncle Harm – Miss Hailey would like to kiss you good night again."

Harm was touched and honored.

He left Hailey's room a little while later after a story about a sleepy princess, a wish for 'sweet dreams' and a flip of the night-light. Mac had been listening outside the door. She had always been attracted to a man who was good with children, but some how Harm enticed her more. He spoke to children – his own, as well as any other – as people – with reason and thought. He respected them and they respected him. It made her fall in love with him all over again.

She reached for his hand and pulled him to her as soon as he was outside the door. The kiss was more than a 'thank you.' It was full of love from a mother appreciating the good treatment of her child, from a friend who was grateful for the attention he had given her and from a lover filled with desire. Neither one got much sleep that night.

They arrived back in San Diego late on Sunday afternoon. There was a plan to meet the Roberts for dinner but they were running late. The kids still needed their naps and if truth were told, Harm and Mac both could have used some sleep – some real sleep – not that they were complaining.

Harm had just put David and Alexander in their rooms and told them to at least be quiet – they were a little cranky, it would take a while for them to settle – when the doorbell rang.

"Kevin!" He was surprised as a suited man stepped through the door like he was invited. "What are you doing here?"

"Been looking for you, Rabbster. Don't bother to turn your cell phone on anymore?"

Mac came out of Hailey's room and was surprised to see this stranger.

"Whoa, ho - Harm. Holding out on me," he admired Mac.

"Colonel Sarah MacKenzie – USMC," he said nodding to Kevin. "This is Detective Kevin Watson, San Diego PD – homicide."

"The pleasure is all mine, colonel," he grinned.

Mac waited.

"What are you doing here Kev?" Harm was becoming annoyed.

"Looking for you."

"Just got back. Was on a turn around to Washington. FAA doesn't like us to use cell phone in the air." Harm was annoyed with the cat and mouse game.

"When did you leave?"

"Yesterday morning and we got back an hour or so ago – what is this about?"

"Well, that explains everything," he walked around the living room. "And if it doesn't I am sure you filed a flight plan and have a ton of witnesses –," he again scanned Mac up and down – "that we can explore six ways to Sunday."

Harm did not like the way he was being played with and he sure as hell didn't like this guy's innuendo directed at Mac. "Kevin, you got something to say?"

"I got a little piece of news for you Rabbinski. Won't be on local KCAL until tomorrow," he smirked at Harm. "Walter Lawson – the ol' EX-father-in-law? Keeper of the trust? Bastard among men? He's dead. Shot in the ol' pump at close range – never stood a chance."

"Lawson is dead?'

"Yesiree. Funny never thought that man had much of a heart to lose – least ways not enough to kill him."

"You think I did it?"

"No, we know who did it, we just want to know if she had any help."

"She?"

"The loving daughter – well maybe not so loving," he grinned at Harm. "Your wife? Sorry EX-wife?"

"Linda killed her father?" Harm looked a Mac quickly.

"She said she did it – well after we pumped her stomach of the couple a dozen pills she took. If the maid showed up a couple hours later, it would have been murder / suicide rather than just murder."

Harm slumped down onto the nearest thing he could find to sit on. He didn't know what to think or how to feel.

"So, you were in Washington the whole time, eh?" Watson continued.