Title: In A Garden

Chapter Eleven

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

In A Garden – Part 11

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Mac sat at her makeshift desk finalizing her report on her laptop. She had a small space on a large table that had been used for the copier among other office machines. She had to laugh. She never would have been treated this way if she had had the weight of JAG HQ behind her or if this case were something more than nothing. But she appeased herself in the knowledge that if she had needed an office; one would have been provided for her. She didn't.

Her position at Quantico was so much less than her position at JAG. It was good easy work, and at the time she took it she wanted to be away from the high profile cases and all the memories that JAG HQ afforded. Then when she got pregnant, she was grateful that she would not have to work odd hours or be sent on assignments – much like the one she was on then. This trip to San Diego was a fluke. She normally would not have been considered for the duty, but she asked for it (she had her reasons and they had nothing to do with the case) and her CO thought it was a good sign that she was willing to go. Her CO was always over compensating because he knew he had a thoroughbred pulling a plow. He was just waiting for the day she would ask for her transfer back to the kind of work she was good at. Back to JAG.

Transferring was what was on her mind that day – rather not transferring. She was headed home in three days and there was no firm plan on the table for what she and Harm were going to do about their relationship. They could not push it forward any faster. He had this THING and she had a divorce to finalize. So for all intents and purposes it was on hold. Hold isn't bad, but it could kill them if not handled correctly – kill them again – kill them dead this time. They had been on hold before and look where that had gotten them. But there was all this other drama to deal with.

Oh the other hand, even if both those issues were resolved, was she really ready to get that serious so quickly? She just got out of a bad marriage. Her feelings for Alan weren't confusing as much as they were still fresh – the hurt, the pain, all of it. Hell, Harm had only been back in her life since April – three months. And what did they have? She had a nice two-week vacation, some wonderful open, honest, friendly, long distance phone conversations, a pretty nasty fight and a weekend of some very intense intimacy. But was that enough? Did they know each other anymore? The only reason he approached her after all those years, was because she lost her baby. She was still dealing with that. She didn't let herself dwell on it much, but she still would wake in the wee hours of the morning aching for the baby that she never got to hold. Since that first night with Harm, she woke in the wee hours thinking about other things as well. She was thinking of the future, not the past. A future – a future with Harm? Maybe.

And what would that future hold? Years ago one of the things that had kept her linked to Harm was that stupid baby deal. She had believed –and still did in weak moments – that Harm and she were meant to be parents together. Was it enough to be stepparents together? Or did they need to have one of their own? Did either of them want another child? A part of her thought she could never go through that kind of pain again – not for anyone. But another part of her believed that she could not let Hailey grow up as an only child – as she had herself. Of course if she married Harm, Hailey would have two brothers. Issue resolved.

MARRY HARM? What the hell was she thinking? The voices in her head took over the debate and spoke faster than she could follow.

"Of course you will marry Harm. What did you think this was all about?"

"You don't have to, he is not the last fish in the sea."

"What if he doesn't ask?"

"What if he does? You aren't ready to get married again."

"He has asked already – if you read between the lines."

"Read between the lines? Are you kidding? This is Harmon Rabb, the only thing to know for sure is if he didn't say it, it wasn't said."

"Isn't that the truth, the man can IMPLY that the sky is blue, but you can't quote him."

"You are thinking of the OLD Harm, he is older now -- wiser. A lot less ego."

"RIGHT - If you need to think so to help you get through the night."

"Look, it's leading that way – you need to consider it."

"Agreed. Six months or a year from now."

"Longer."

"Longer? You're no spring chicken, girl. If you want to have another baby, you better get on it soon."

"Another baby?"

"Don't you think you should?"

"No. What if --"

"Don't be ridiculous. There is no reason to think it would happen again."

"Look, I will tell you what to do: get your divorce as quickly as you can, transfer west, marry Harm and get pregnant as soon as possible. Have a nice life!"

"Well that is certainly one plan."

"Hell, if you put some hustle into it, girl, you could have this all done by Christmas."

"Your other option is to go home and go back to your little life: your house, your garden, your job, your kid. Nothing wrong with that. More than a lot of women get."

"No dates, no romance, no nothing. Just sitting around waiting to get old. Maybe you could get a cat for when Hailey moves out."

"I need to say again – Harm is not the only alternative to living alone. There are plenty of men out there."

"Sure, plenty of men who would be willing to take on a woman and a child and all the baggage that goes with that."

"There are plenty of men who come with a lot less baggage than Harm does."

"It didn't happen for you and him years ago – have you ever figured out why?"

"And if you say 'bad timing' I will hit you myself."

"Maybe those old issues are still there and would rear their ugly little heads if you pursue this."

"Something to consider."

"Why the hell should you move west? You have a home, job, a life – let him pick up his lazy behind and move to you."

"Then he will be in your house."

"Giving it a man's touch."

"IN YOUR HOUSE."

"What is wrong with having Harm in your house?"

"Harm and his two boys."

"And another baby – maybe."

"Excuse me Colonel?" A man's voice intruded on the debate. "You have a phone call on line 5."

"Thank you." Mac said. Her head was still whirling. "MacKenzie," she said when she got the phone to her ear.

"Hey gorgeous, what say we make a midnight rondeveau to watch the submarine races?"

"You sure know how to treat a lady," she could not help but smile.

"Lady, I would treat you like the Queen if I could only see you."

"You OK?"

"Miss you," he said weakly. There was so much more to say.

"Where are you?"

"On my way home from having a drink with Frank."

"How was that?"

Harm was silent.

"Harm?"

"Fine, Fine. Just wanted to offer his support and to tell me that he thinks of me as a son."

"That was nice."

"Yeah, I guess," Harm continued - changing the subject. "The boys and I are going back to the house tonight. I want them to be home for their birthday."

"All that hoopla should be died down by now."

"I should think," he added more to himself than for her. "For now."

"What?" She didn't hear him.

"Don't suppose you want to pack up Hailey and meet us there?"

"Having dinner with Bud and Harriet tonight."

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

"Why don't you join us?"

"No, I am sure you and Harriet have some catching up to do." The disappointment was thick in his voice.

"Harm, are you alright?"

"Fine. I am fine. Like I said, I just miss you."

"How about tomorrow night? We will come over and help you get ready for the big day."

"We'd like that."

"Hailey got a very special present for the boys."

"You didn't need to do that."

"It was all her, Harm. You know she calls them her brothers."

"She does?" That perked him up.

"She does."

Harm's voice took on a soft loving tone. "Well, we should talk about that."

Mac panicked. What was he going to say next? "Hey, I need to go, let me call you in about an hour or so, before I head over the Roberts."

"Sure. Sure. Go. Get your work done, marine. Semper Fi and all that."

"I'll call you later."

"Right, bye."

She hung up.

"I love you," he said into the dead line.

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Mac chased Hailey up the sidewalk to the Roberts' door. AJ answered.

"Where is Harm?" he demanded.

"AJ!" his mother scolded coming from right behind him.

"Uncle Harm."

"AJ!" she scolded again.

Mac interrupted, "Hi, AJ."

"Say hello to your Aunt Mac and Hailey."

"Hi. I wanted to show Harm that I finished the model he gave me for my birthday. I even got it up in the air, Mom said he would be here."

"AJ go finish setting the table." His mother turned him back toward the dining room and gave him a maternal shove.

Harriet stepped back and allowed Mac and Hailey to enter. "Hailey, Cassia is in her room waiting for you."

Hailey looked up at her mom quickly and ran down the hall. The women hugged.

"So where is Harm?"

Mac was now a little confused.

"I told him about it yesterday," Harriet added.

"Harriet, I don't think Harm thought it was an invitation. He was never planning on coming."

"Well, that is just silly. I mean now that you two are - - -." Harriet stopped herself; she had no idea really what Harm and Mac were to each other. She had assumed that since Mac had come out for the custody hearing that of course they were together. Bud kept telling her not to assume things. "That is just silly, I made enough food for the whole fleet. I am going to call him, right now," she headed back to the kitchen to find the phone.

"No, Harriet," Mac stopped her. "Let him be."

"Is he OK? I didn't see him today; he was in meetings and then left early."

"As you can imagine he is under a lot of stress."

"Yeah, losing the agency is going to be very hard on him."

"Losing the agency?" Mac was confused.

"He didn't tell you?"

"No."

"Maybe I shouldn't say anything," she continued more to herself than to Mac. "I thought she would have told him by now."

"Who? What?"

"I was talking to the bookkeeper today and she said that we have not received our stipend from the Lawson foundation for the third month."

"Lawson Foundation?"

"Our major donor. We can't keep the lights on if we don't get that money. I mean I do what I can, and we have all kinds of subsidies, but Lawson footed the bill. All our salaries – which aren't a lot but they do add up, rent, supplies, court fees. We are now indebt to our eye teeth – checks are going to start bouncing."

"Does Harm know about this?"

"He doesn't really take too much interest in the accounting of the agency. You know Harm, probably never balanced his checkbook and never really cared about money. Anyway Anna – she is our volunteer bookkeeper was going to tell him today."

"He didn't say anything to me."

"It will really hurt him if we have to close our doors. He was always very proud of the work we did."

"No hope of another donor?"

"Not like Lawson – that was a gift of love – or obligation or something. Yeah, he wrote if off on his taxes – or one of his companies did - but it was still a pretty big hit. It is hard to replace that."

"I see."

"Harm was hoping that we would be self-sufficient in a couple of years but we may never find out."

Mac looked toward the phone. She wanted to call and check in with him. She could never stop herself from feeling his pain. She had to force herself not to.

Harriet helped. "So, what is going on between you two anyway?"

Mac was terrified that she was not going to have to explain to Harriet what she did not know herself. Luckily (for Mac) little Jimmy came running up the hall protesting that he 'didn't mean to do it.' When asked what it was he had done, the screams from Cassia's room let them know it involved the girls. A child crisis saved Mac from answering right away, and gave her time to think of a good answer for the next time Harriet asked.

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The next time Harriet asked was after dinner and the kids were sent to their rooms to play. Bud was helping AJ with something or other and the women were left to do the dishes.

"So, Mac, tell me about you and Harm?"

"Nothing really to tell."

"Mac!"

"Really, Harriet. You know Harm -."

"I know that he was never happier than when you were here on vacation. I know he flew you home to pick up Hailey and I know you were together Monday morning when the news about Walter Lawson came out."

"Well – I would not say he was 'never happier', as for flying me home – any excuse Harm has to climb in the pilot's seat is good enough for him, and well --."

"Mac, are you going to deny that there is more than friendship between you?"

Mac heaved a heavy sigh. "No."

"So, how are things with you and Harm?"

"It is hard to say right now, Harriet. We both in the middle of other stuff."

"The custody case is resolved – I guess."

"Yes, but I am still married," Mac argued.

"Do you think of yourself as married?"

"No, and I haven't for quite a long time, but the fact remains legally I am still married."

"Have you filed for divorce?"

"Last week."

"That is a step in the right direction." Harriet felt encouraged for her friends.

"Right? I am getting a divorce Harriet. That means I failed in my marriage – how can I possible start another relationship?"

"That is one way to look at it. Another way is to say that you made a mistake and you are rectifying it."

"When I look at Hailey, I don't see a mistake."

"Mac."

"Harriet, what is to say that Harm and I are not making a mistake as well? Maybe this is just residual stuff that we never resolved before."

"Does it feel like last time?"

"No. Things are different now. We don't work together; there is no real need to barter for control and well - " Mac widened her eyes trying to imply to Harriet that last time they never 'did it.'

"You mean you two never-? Back at JAG … you never…?"

Mac shook her head.

"Not once, in all that time?"

"No."

"Wow that is news."

"What do you mean?"

"We all just assumed that you did and then the relationship went south."

"Why would you have assumed that?"

"Please Mac, you two acted like lovers – always making excuses to be with each other, always fighting. I have never seen two people more in-sync and out of sorts. Then he left and then you left – we just assumed -."

"Who is 'we'?"

"Damn near everyone."

"Terrific." Mac was not impressed that that was the impression her coworkers had.

"But in hindsight – I guess you are right – you acted more like two people who should have but didn't."

"Harriet this is not helping."

"Mac, honestly – how do you feel about him?"

"I love him." The words were out of her mouth before she could check them.

"So what is the problem?"

"Do you want the list?"

"No, I want you to stop fighting it." Harriet was such a good Mom, even to those who weren't her children.

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For the next part of the evening Mac struggled with thoughts she could not control: marriages, divorces, time, distance, aging, babies and death. They made her sad. They made her mad. They made her happy. They made her feel things she had not felt in years – namely the cruel injustice of this cold lonely world and the simple pleasure that could be found in a kiss. Life and love and happiness should not be so difficult to acquire when you live by the rules. After all this time, how could she still be so in love with a man, and have him still so far out of reach? It was not fair. It was not right. It was – in fact – the furthest thing from right – it was dead wrong.

It was after 2200 when Mac pulled into Harm's driveway. Harriet had convinced her to leave Hailey with Cassia. They were having such a good time, and a little slumber party was in order. Harriet had assumed that she would go to Harm, but said nothing about it. She was not going to push; she was just going to open a door and let the colonel walk through.

Mac pushed open Harm's door when there was no answer. She looked inside and there was only the kitchen light on. She knew he was home; his car was parked out front. No one was there. There was no evidence of the boys, but Harm's briefcase and shoes were by the door. A little panic set in. What if something had happened? She pulled her cell phone out and called his number. The phone rang in the bedroom. So that proved it. He had been there. She was just about to start gathering more clues, when he came through the door fresh (rather 'ripe') from a run.

"Mac," he panted.

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Hi."

"What are you doing here?"

"Thought I would come by. Is that alright?"

"Yeah, it's great. I'm glad you did," he lightly kissed her cheek as not to get sweat all over her and moved toward the kitchen to get some water. "Is Hailey asleep?"

"I hope so. She is with Cassia at Harriet's."

"You came by yourself?"

She nodded. "Where are the boys?"

"With my mother. They wanted to stay and I could not take one more night of her indulging them."

"A grandmother's prerogative I suppose."

"Yeah," he wiped his face with the dishtowel and tossed it toward the laundry room. "I should jump in the shower and rinse off."

"Don't," she reached out to touch his arm. "Don't, not on my account."

"I just got back from five miles, Mac."

"You're fine," she looked a little teary eyed.

"Sarah, are you OK?" He stepped closer to her.

"I am supposed to be asking you that."

"Why? Did some other piece of the sky come crashing down to earth while I wasn't paying attention?"

"Harm don't," she did let a tear fall. "Don't joke."

"Honey, what is going on?" He placed his hands on either side of her face and tilted it up to see his. "Talk to me."

"It is nothing – silly stuff."

"I can be silly," he smiled.

She pulled herself to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Just hold me. Hold me for a little while."

He wrapped his arms around her held on. It was exactly what he needed, to have her in his arms. He closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. All felt right with the world – well at least that it would be alright.

"Harm?" She tilted her head back.

Before she could get another word out, his mouth was seeking hers. Just like in the movies, he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom – their sanctuary, their safety net, their lifeline to a better place. That night was about love and comfort not about sex and satisfaction. They slept lightly in each other's embrace.

Many hours later, Harm lay awake thinking about what the days, weeks, and months ahead would bring. He was terrified that some how they would lose what they had found, terrified that he would some how do too much or too little and ruin everything.

As if she were reading his mind she answered him. "That won't happen."

"Can you be so sure?" He asked.

"I can promise for myself and I can trust in you."

"Sarah --."

"One day at a time," she assured him.

"Is there a twelve step program for this?"

"There ought to be."

He was quiet for a little while. Eventually he said, "Sarah, I don't think I will be able to let you go come Sunday."

"I'll be a phone call away."

"I don't know if that will be good enough."

"It will have to be," she was being strong for him. What she really wanted to say was 'force me to stay.' "It is only for a while."

"Yeah," he found his strength. "Just time."

"A matter of time."

He was still unconvinced and very unhappy. Mac took it upon herself to distract him, which would only make letting her go harder – but at the time he didn't care. She was making love with him.

"Harm," she looked into his warm blue eyes. "I love you, too."

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