Chapter One - Meant Something To Me

These words are razors to my wounded heart. - William Shakespeare (Titus Andronicus Act I Scene I)

She knew he loathed her decisions. She knew he didn't understand. But how could he? She'd never offered an explanation nor had she ever tried. Just issuances of apologies he couldn't be expected to accept. But by some twist of fate. Some reason not known by her. He'd forgiven. It'd been three years ago yet still she felt the coldness in his touch. Saw the distance in his eyes. The love that she'd once known he felt for her now a question on her mind. Was he there because he really cared? Or because he wished to see her fail?

As quickly as these thoughts entered her mind she shook them out. Of course he loved her as she loved him. She reminded herself that he was not his father. The sins of a father were not always the sins of the son. Yet still her heart ached from the distance between them. Not physically, for they shared a bed, a room, a house but she could feel him far from her in ever other way. He hadn't opened back up. She'd dropped her flowering career, moved back to Tree Hill, pushed her confusion aside, and jumped back into her old life. The life of Haley James-Scott. Boring and normal.

She sighed and looked at the clock above the fireplace. Frowning slightly she stared at the window pushing all doubt from her mind. They were happy. But even as she thought it she wondered if it was true. She told everyone they were happy, if ever she asked he'd smile that smile that made her heart melt and say yes. He'd give her that look that erased all doubt from her mind. But she couldn't help but question. He'd taken over the basketball team after Whitey's retirement, could he really be staying late at the gym every night? Did high school basketball require that much time? Her instincts said no but she convinced herself yes. That's what he told her. Why should she not believe him?

Again Haley shook her to stop the doubts edging into her mind. They may have divorced but they were together now. If it was not meant to be, she reasoned, they wouldn't have found their way back to each other. They'd still be apart. But again that voice in the back of her mind spoke. If she could do it wasn't it likely he would too? Infidelity was like an inherited gene in his family. His mother with his uncle, his father with his mother. Even she'd fallen victim to temptation. Fallen victim to the manipulator she'd once called a friend. Seeking comfort after Nathan had gone and left only to visit her sister. Had it been with Taylor? She'd sworn not but Haley wondered still. Taylor had blatantly lied before, would she do it again?

Focusing on the task at hand Haley tried not to think about Nathan's where abouts, his being late from work, his frequent guys nights and scouting trips to other towns, other states. She looked down at the last of her precious works. The last of her hand written songs. The last of the items she'd spent hours slaving over, tweaking to prefection, scrutinizing for days, and settling on only after the process was complete. With sadness in her heart, tears building behind her eyes she tore it down the middle and tossed it into the roaring fire. With that it all ended. Hours of work and preforming wasted. A budding career ended before it had barely gotten off the ground.

But it was for a good cause. She was happy again. Maybe her friends weren't talking to her just yet, and maybe things weren't quite back to normal just yet, but they would be. After a year of rebuilding her life with Nathan, convincing him it was really over. That music was her past. She was ready to move on. To be happy again.

A faint smile appeared on her lips as she looked up at the picture residing on their mantal. It was from better days. Days long past. Days that seemed but a distant memory. The party their friends had organized in celebration. The party she'd learned Deb's true form through. But she convinced herself what the elder Scott's thought wasn't true because she was happy now.

She rubbed at her eyes as to erase all signs that tears were nearby as she heard a car approaching, hoping it was him but knowing it wasn't. Casting a forelorn look at the white hot ashes that were once her beloved songs she stood from her place on the fire front rug and walked slowly down the short hallway from den to kitchen. She marvelled at how alike the house Nathan had chosen and his parents were. He had claimed to hate everything about that house yet here they were living in it. Even spending friday dinners alternating between Dan & Deb's house and theirs. Family dinners, Nathan called them. Torture was her preferred word.

Haley glanced at the dinner still set out on the table, untouched and sighed. Another dinner she'd have to spend alone. A dinner that she knew she'd not touch. Reaching into a nearby cupboard she pulled down various bowls and lids that she carried with her to the table. Once there she carefully put each item in its own container, making sure to keep it in perfect shape, snapping the lid and turning to the fridge where she carefully stacked them all together, keeping the fridge just as neat as when she'd opened it.

Closing the door quietly she retraced her steps to the living room sitting not on the rug this time but instead the couch. The thin blanket that had been neatly folded earlier was now draped over her lap not because of cold but because of habit. She leaned against the back and watched out the window. Listening, waiting, and wondering where he was. Hoping he would at least call, keep her from worrying, disprove her fears. As if someone had heard her thoughts Haley heard the phone ring and looked toward it. She didn't know whether to answer or not. Whether it would be good or not. Whether he was okay or not. In the end she reached for it and pressed talk.

"Hello?" She answered heart seeming to skip a beat as she waited for the person on the other line to talk. Though she was sure it was but a minute it felt like an eternity. An eternity that made her more anxious than she remembered ever being.

"Hey baby." She heard his voice and let out a breath she'd been unknowingly holding. By voice he sounded like he was okay, unhurt, but there was something there. Something she heard in his voice. But she couldn't place specifically what it was maybe tired, exhausted, out of breath? She wasn't sure.

"Where are you?" She asked him in a casually curious voice. It didn't take much to make her worry, this she knew he knew. And the answer didn't have to spectacularly indepth to make her worry disappear she knew he knew this also. But the long pause that came before his answer scared her.

"Just at the...office." His words were slow coming out. Making her wonder if it was a lie. But she again shook the thought from her head. He was probably just busy, dedicated like his predecessor had been. Making ever play detailed and thoroughly calculating everything to keep the winning season. They were happy, she reminded herself. But in their relationship such doubts weren't easily dismissed. There had been crossed lines, broken loyalties, tangled alliances, and blatant lies before. But she was sure neither would do it anymore. They'd learned from their mistakes. Mended the broken hearts, sealed the wounds. And they were happy.

"Oh." Haley said simply not being able to help the disappointment in her voice. She immediately blamed herself for being selfish. It was an insecurity brought on by Nathan's endless tirade when they'd first set their relationship to mending. Brought on by his verbal beatings that had been Dan and hate encouraged. "When are you coming home?" She asked forcing any lasting disappointment from her voice.

"I might go out with the guys later." Nathan said. She frowned on her end of the line. Haley knew what that meant. He wouldn't be home until early in the morning if at all. "Tim's first night back since school and we're all going to celebrate. It's like this bonding thing." He explained further though she hadn't asked. Haley wondered why. He'd never explained any further before.

"So then..." Haley trailed off frusterated and unsure what to do anymore. It was hard sometimes. They used to be so at ease around one another and to her it seemed like they lead separate lives now. Like they were strangers merely co-existing in a house. Like they didn't even know each other. Keeping secrets and skeletons by the masses in closets never to be opened or touched by the other. And she hated it. But she never said anything because she knew they were happy.

"Did you want to come?" At the question Haley snapped her full attention to the conversation. She was tempted to say yes. Longed to see old school friends. But she knew she couldn't. Last time she saw Tim had been bad enough. The butt of their jokes and subtle remarks had nearly sent her to tears. But she didn't blame them. Not even Peyton, who'd sent her the torn out address book page long ago. She'd cried over it but realized they felt abandoned. Not even Jake talked to her. Simple, kind Jake with all his complex thoughts, the one who should have understood and he didn't utter a word more than a quick hello or goodbye.

"No I think I'll just...I'm really tired." She lied for lack of a better excuse.

"Okay. Well see you when I get home?" She thought there was a new emotion in his voice. Was it relief? Was he relieved she'd denied him? Haley was almost certain that was what it was but she pushed it to the back of her mind. Again telling herself she was happy with him and he with her.

Haley nodded before realizing he couldn't see her on the phone. "See you then. Bye." She said running a hand through her hair. Saddened by their short and seemingly forced conversations. The tightness in his voice. "I love you." She added awaiting a response before hanging up.

"Yeah. Same here." Nathan said before he hung up. It felt like someone had stabbed her through the heart. He'd never denied her those three simple words. He'd never hung up first. What did this mean? Haley wasn't sure. She reasoned that he was with the guys and didn't want to see un-manly. Or maybe he was with students and didn't want to be given a hard time about it. Because she knew that they were happy. But if they truly were, why did it feel like she was convincing herself everytime she said it?