Title: In A Garden

Chapter Sixteen

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

A Garden – Part 16

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

"Sarah?" Harm asked again. "Do you still want to marry me?"

She shook her head and looked away. "Ask me a different question."

"Why?"

She glared back at him. "I am not going to dignify that with and answer."

"Why not?"

"Because if you have to ask, then we have nothing to talk about."

"Why because you honor your promises? Something I haven't done."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know what I mean."

She thought for a moment and realized what he was saying. "Are you talking about that stupid deal we had?"

"I never thought it was stupid."

"That was nearly five years ago – why bring it up now?"

"Look around you?"

"What?" she was confused.

"How do you expect me to feel about all of this Mac?"

"This what?"

"This house? Your husband? Your daughter?"

"Feel about what? What does one have to do with -"

"Mac you bought this house because you wanted to start a family – a family that I had promised to help create."

"Harm, don't go there."

He continued on unchecked, "But in spite and anger I walked away – you married a man who could be my double and had a baby almost immediately."

"You have some pretty twisted logic going on about all of that."

"Why did you buy this house?" Harm forced himself to remain calm. "Did you expect us to fulfill that deal? Do you resent me for walking away?"

Mac got up from the couch and went to the window. She was quiet for a long time. Harm waited. He was not going to push or pull an answer from her; he wanted the truth; the truth being a relative condition of facts, perceived facts, memory and historical perspective.

After what felt like an eternity to Mac, turning over the words in her head and fearing that she was about to open a can of worms that she would never get contained, she felt like the truth was the only way to go. She had her response. She turned back to him. His eyes were not searching or penetrating just no-so-patiently waiting.

"I never expected that you would walk away," she said sadly. "It hurt me very deeply."

He let the breath he was holding ease out.

She continued. "But after the year we had had and how badly I treated you there was nothing else you could have done. I take responsibility for that."

Harm shook his head implying that she should not take responsibility. She again turned back to look out the window. Harm stayed quiet.

"I bought this house for a myriad of complicated reasons," she continued. "None of them have to do with you," she turned back to him. "Do you want them all?"

"Yes." It was a simple answer, but his outstretched hand beckoning her to be near him was comforting.

She crossed the room, and sat next to him. She thought back to the time she was shopping for the house. It was eleven months after that incident in Paraguay, five months since Harm had come back to JAG and a lifetime from the last time she actually felt like she was in control of her life.

"I felt like my life going on without direction. I was waiting. Waiting for what I didn't know, but waiting for something to happen," she laughed. "It is funny now. Now that I think back – things were happening all the time but all I did was survive the event and try to get back to the way things were. It was hard to move forward when all I was trying to do was stay where I was."

He took her hand and silently urged her to continue.

She pulled her hand from his, and took it in both of hers. "I needed to be proactive. The only thing I have ever known for sure was that I wanted to have a child – children." The tears were coming as again the pain of losing her child was brought fresh to mind, but she forced them back. "On New Year's Eve 2004 … well 2003 – a night I spent alone – I made a decision to do just that," she looked into his eyes. "You probably didn't notice any difference. We were so far apart – so disconnected – it was painful to work along side you. The gulf that had come between us was -."

"Was overwhelming," he said. "It colored everything I did, everything I said. I don't remember much else from the time I came back to JAG until I left other than trivialness and fruitlessness of my being there."

"Trivial? Fruitless?" she nodded. "That is interesting. That was exactly what I felt. The cases seemed unimportant or just down right annoying – which when you think about it is ridiculous. We were at the end – rather the middle – of the war in Iraq. The world was in turmoil and we had front row seats, yet prosecuting and defending service personnel for any of a number of things felt trivial or amazingly annoying. I remember prosecuting – and you defending – a man who was so addicted to cigarettes he was constantly leaving his post as a result someone died. I was livid. How could he be so careless? People were dying all the time in Iraq – yet these senseless preventable deaths were still happening. I have never felt so helpless or unimportant or ashamed at the pettiness."

"Pettiness is right. I am ashamed. I was so angry – hurt – I just couldn't get out of my own way," he shook his head. "But I was wrong to feel that way. We were doing important work too. The diamond thief who was helping to fund terrorists? The witness who was tortured to get information about an Al-Qeda member who was in the navy."

"I didn't know you knew about that. You weren't at JAG at the time."

"I had plenty of time when I got back to read through the case files."

"More than just the Imes cases?"

"I made time for yours," he squeezed her hand. "Some very brilliant work counselor."

"I never knew."

"I never said anything," he looked away. "Pettiness."

"I am changing my opinion."

Harm looked worried.

"It wasn't bad timing the spoiled it for us back then it was egos – pure and simple."

"You called it in Paraguay. We both wanted to be on top."

"Oh God, Paraguay! There is some much I need to apologize for."

"There are apologies needed on all sides."

"I thought love meant never having to say you are sorry," she grinned.

"That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard," he smiled. "Get back to the house."

"Did I buy the house because I thought some how we would figure it out? The honest answer is no. I bought the house for me. Had I given up hope on us? I was becoming resigned to the fact that I pushed too hard and you would not be coming back for more. The day I moved in, I indulged a small fantasy that you would help me make this house a home – but it was just a silly fantasy. Up until AJ fifth birthday there was still an unreasonable, irrational, sliver of hope."

"I thought you were with Webb."

"I know," she shook her head. "I know. I should have said something. Then the day came and you were gone," she looked up at him. "Can I tell you? I was relieved when you walked away – hurt but also relieved. Every feeling I had for you was so raw. It hurt to look at you. I was ashamed, sad, angry, frustrated, confused. I wouldn't have had the strength to do what you did."

"It wasn't strength. It was cowardice. After that statement about there never being an 'us' and Webb - "

She shook her head. "Have you ever said something because that was what you wanted to believe rather than what you actually believed?"

He was unsure.

"Have you ever tried to convince yourself of something?"

"Often."

"Even when you knew it wasn't true?"

"Often," he smiled.

"Don't take this wrong – and I am not saying that you did anything wrong – but if you had challenged that statement – I would have been forced to take back my words."

"I didn't know what to do," he tried to remember the hurt he felt when she said it, but too much time had passed, and too much had happened since. "You were so sure – so confident. I believed you," he looked up at her. "I should have just kissed you, hell I should have kissed you any of a number of times just to stop us from talking," he leaned in to kiss her.

"Harm – don't start that or we will never get through all of this."

"Will we get through all of this?"

She nodded.

"Tonight?"

"If I had my way – I have two more days with you and I want them filled with joy not - - - this discussion."

"We have a lot more than two days – we have the rest of our lives," he reminded her.

"And we have already had our share of strife – enough to last a life time."

He nodded, kissed her lightly on the lips and sat back. "Go on."

"Harm this house is not a monument to how we failed. This house was my choice. Please don't make too much of it. It is just a house – apparently a house in much need of repairs and remodeling," she flashed him a smile.

He returned the smile slightly. "What about Alan?"

"Did I marry Alan because he looked like you?" she shook her head and smiled. "My GOD you have an ego."

"Mac."

"I'm sorry. I met Alan during my first month a Quantico. Because he looked like you I didn't give him a second thought. We were forced to work together and you know what? He was nothing like you. I stopped seeing the similarities almost immediately. He was who he was. I was ready to get married and start a family. I am not saying that it could have been anyone – but I was ready, he was there willing to make a commitment and I believed that we could make a life together."

"What happened?"

"Well, Alan thought he was ready to settle down too – at least until reality set in. He didn't want home and family. He wanted his freedom. It wasn't about the other women. It wasn't even really about Hailey and me. It was about him. He was not ready to grow up."

"I understand that."

"No, Harm you don't. You have never made a commitment in your life that you would not have bent over backwards to fulfill. Your only issue was actually making the commitment; in some ways that is to your credit. It is better to shy away from commitment than to not honor it. If we had had a child together – even as friends – you would never have walked away from that responsibility. You never would have walked away from me."

"That is true."

"Just like it is hard for you to walk away from Linda," she said tentatively.

"Are we ready to talk about her?"

Mac took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I think we are."

"Please don't get angry."

"I was not angry before."

"You sure seemed angry," he smiled.

"Harm – you need to listen to me and try to understand this," she paused to be sure she had his attention. "I am – nervous that I will have to step back because of Linda and that will --."

"What? Why? Why do you think that? I would never ask you to do that – nor would I let you."

"It is that commitment thing I was just talking about. You made a commitment to her and she needs you. You won't walk away and I wouldn't want you to. It is not who you are."

He shook his head. "No."

"Harm, it is true."

"I made a commitment to those children in there – not to her. The only thing I owe her is as the mother of those boys – if only as a birth mother and not an actual mother. Mac helping her now is not about my feelings for her – it is about David and Alexander. If she is not guilty, how can I look them in the eyes and tell them I did nothing to help."

"And if she is guilty?"

He thought for a moment. "Then how can I look them in the eyes and tell them I did nothing to help."

"I understand that – really I do. But won't a relationship with me just complicate that?"

"A relationship? Mac, we are way past that. Please don't make me chose between you and Linda. I would chose you – know that – but I don't want to have to make that choice."

"I won't ask you to, but I also want to do what is best for David and Alexander."

"Then help me."

"Help you?"

"Help me – we were a great team when we actually worked together. I need you. I need your objectivity."

"How can you think I would be objective?"

"Because that is who you are."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Just go over the case notes with me – look for things that have been missed. Ask questions. Make assumptions. Propose theories. Do what you do."

She smiled and shook her head. Clearly this was not something she wanted to do.

"Please, Mac."

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yes, I will help you – as much as I can."

"Thank you," Harm kissed her and pulled her into an embrace.

"Daddy?" Zander's little voice came from the hallway.

"Zander, you are supposed to be in bed."

"Hailey is crying."

Both Harm and Mac were up in an instant. Mac touched Zander's head gently as she walked by him to get to her daughter. Harm picked Zander up and took him back into his room. When he got there David was sitting up looking worried.

"Why is Hailey crying, Daddy?" David asked as Harm tucked Zander into the bed next to him.

"I don't know."

"Will she be OK?" David really loved Hailey.

"I am sure Auntie Mac will be sure of that."

"Did we do something wrong?" David pressed.

"No, son. Why would you think that?"

"Cause you sounded mad when you were talking." Zander – the bold one – said what both he and David were thinking.

"Who? Mac and me?"

"Are you mad at us?" Zander asked again.

"No, Zander, we are not mad at you."

"We were trying to be quiet." David defended.

"Did you not get any sleep at all?"

Both Zander and David looked a little sheepish. "We are not tired."

"Boys you really need to try to sleep. We have a big day planned for tomorrow and if you don't sleep you won't enjoy it."

"You are not mad?"

"No, I am not mad."

"Are you mad at Auntie Mac?"

"Not at all. Kids, sometimes when grown-ups talk it may sound like they are mad, but they aren't."

"Sometimes they are."

"Sometimes they are." Harm echoed. "But not this time. Now go to sleep."

"Daddy can we go say Happy Birthday to Hailey again?"

"No, not tonight. You need to sleep."

He kissed them each on the forehead and turned off the light. He left the door open and walked by Hailey's room. Mac was talking softly to her daughter. Things sounded like they were OK. Harm went to the living room and waited.

A little while later Mac came in rubbing her neck.

"Is she alright?"

"Yeah, she just got over stimulated today. Too much attention, I guess."

He motioned for her to sit down on the floor in front of him and he would rub her neck and shoulders. Mac was grateful for the offer.

"Why was she crying?" he asked after he had relaxed her enough.

"It is hard to say, Ow!" Her hand went to cover his.

"Sorry. Too hard?"

"No, you are fine," she groaned and craned her neck into his massage. "She said it was because she was disappointed. She wanted a dress that we saw last week and I completely forgot. She thought she didn't get it because she was bad."

"So, let's go and get it for her tomorrow."

"No, Harm. She will get it for Christmas. She got plenty of birthday presents and she can learn to live with not everything she wants."

"Mac, she is three years old – she can have a dress if she wants it – it won't turn her into a --."

"Harm, no. She gets spoiled enough between Chloe, AJ and Meredith, Alan and you."

"Oh, Ok," he looked shot down.

"Thank you for caring but you are still in that mode where you want to give her everything she asks for so she will like you."

"Is that bad?"

"It can't last – not if we are – OW . . . Ow . . . Ow . . . yeah right there … ah," she breathed out. "She already likes you."

"I like her – and I guess a little girl is new to me. Not sure how much you are supposed to indulge them."

Mac let out a moan as he found and worked out the big knot in her neck. "Well you can indulge me like this anytime you want."

He leaned down and kissed her neck. "I have better plans than this to indulge you, sweetheart."

She laughed.

"What?"

"It is still funny to hear you call me 'sweetheart.' It sounds – I don't know – sarcastic."

"Would you prefer honeybunch, lamb chop, snookums?"

"Sarah is fine," she kissed his hand.

"So she was really only upset about a dress?"

"No." Mac joined him on the couch.

"Did she think we were fighting?"

"No, why?"

"The boys thought we were mad at each other."

She looked to the bedroom where the boys slept. "We were just talking."

"It got a little heated."

"Did you tell them that?"

He leaned back and craned his own neck. "I told them we were talking and that everything was fine."

"Kids pick up on everything."

"Maybe Hailey too?"

"No, I am sure she was just over stimulated and --."

"And?"

"Alan didn't call and he promised to take her to Stella's garden."

"Alan?"

"He told her he would come by and take her to Stella's garden. He's not even out of the hospital yet. He just doesn't understand that you can't lie to a child, even if your intentions are good. I am sure he didn't mean for her to think it was today – but he should have called."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too. I could kill him when he lets her down like that. I didn't know about the plan until just now."

"What is Stella's garden?"

"We planted a garden for Stella and she wanted to go to put some more flowers there. She wanted to do it for her birthday."

"Stella?"

"The baby," she looked back at him. "The baby was a little girl. We named her Stella because she will be our little shining star in the heavens."

Mac had never told Harm this part. He felt like he was intruding on a private family matter. He nodded his response.

"Hailey didn't tell me about the trip to the garden cause she didn't want to make me sad."

Harm wrapped her up in his arms and held her very close. She wasn't crying and she didn't want to, but she needed to be held.

"We'll go in the morning first thing." Mac said softly her voice cracking a little.

He was silent for a long time just holding her. He wanted to ask, but he didn't want to over step his position. He took a chance. "Can the boys and I come with you?" he pulled back to look at her. "I'll understand if you don't want us to."

That's when she got a little misty eyed. "I think Hailey would really like that."

"Would you?"

"I would."

"Good," he wrapped her up again and she tucked her head under his chin and curled into his embrace.

"I love you," she whispered after a moment.

"I love you too," he let out a sigh. "Are we done talking for the night?"

"There is something that I have to tell you and then we can put it – and us to bed. We can make decisions after we have each had a chance to sleep on it."

She sounded serious. Harm waited. "Ok."

"I am being transferred out of JAG."

"What? Why?"

"Not the admiral's pet."

"She can't do that."

"Wanna bet? She had already transferred Bud back here. I am sure Harriet is thrilled."

"When?"

"He reports December first."

"Wow."

"Yeah – I think Jennifer is next on the chopping block. Admiral Strickland is not fond of women under her command."

"Isn't that sexist?"

"Yep – and if you think I am going to file charges you are nuts."

"So you are leaving JAG. Where is she transferring you?"

"Well there is good news and other good news."

"OK – the good news."

"I could take Bud's position in San Diego."

He laughed. "Well that seems rather convenient, doesn't it?"

"She knows about our engagement."

"So she is trying to be nice or cut you off at the pass. You know transfer you before you ask – makes it look like it was her idea."

"She is trying to get rid of me – and I think if there were an opening in Iceland – I would be the first name on the list."

"Did you piss on her Cheerios?"

"Have always hated that expression – and no – I have never done anything to her except ask for latitude in my hours so I can take care of Hailey."

"Oh – I'll bed she is all Navy and raised three kids on her own -."

"Four, but you're right."

"So if that is the good news, what is the good news?"

"General Weston has an opening on his staff."

"General George Weston – Foreign Ops for the Middle East? Master of the stop the terrorists before they reach our borders? That General Weston?"

"The same."

"That is quite a coup, Mac."

"And the job is right here at the Pentagon."

Harm realized what she was saying. She could take this career job, but it would mean that the plan to move west was out. "How can you turn it down?" he said encouragingly and he realized his options were being altered with hers.

"Well it is not mine yet. The position is for a Colonel – full colonel – so I have to go before the review board – it is not a lock."

"It is too. Don't be ridiculous."

"Harm, I haven't done much in the last few years to be noteworthy."

"You have the general's attention."

"If Strickland lets it fly."

"She can't prevent this."

"She can make it difficult."

"She won't."

"You know what it means – if I take that position?"

"It would mean that you would finally out rank me," he smiled.

"Harm."

"I understand all the implications," he looked at her. "It is a career move Mac, you can't not go for it."

"I am not all about my career anymore Harm. I have other priorities."

The idea was sinking in on Harm. It would mean that he would have to move east if they were to get married and live together. It would mean that the five of them would have to find a way to live in Mac's house – or convince her to sell it and find something else. He would need to find a job in Washington – the dreaded beltway – and new babysitters, schools for his sons. He would have to move 3000 miles away from his mother – his home – again. It would mean that Linda and that whole mess would be left behind; she would be totally alone. There were definite upsides and definite downsides to this move for the boys and him. Not to mention the whole marriage adjustment – something that began to weigh heavily on his mind more and more these days.

"Harm?" she asked; he was lost in thought.

"Why can't you have both?" he pulled her to him so she could not see his eyes. "I'm proud of you Mac."

Behind his eyes was panic, concern, resistance and dread. Again he felt like he was being backed into a corner with only one way to turn. To keep Mac in his life, he had to either live with 3000 miles of distance or cross that gulf all on his own – she could not meet him half way. The last time he felt this trapped was when Linda told him that if he did not agree to marry her, he would never get his children. The last time he swore it would be the last time.

"I am proud of you," he said again with more distance in his voice.