Title: In A Garden

Chapter Seventeen

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

A Garden – Part 17

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Chloe came by Sunday morning – the day Harm and the boys were to leave – to take the kids out. Harm thought that Mac had arranged it so they could 'talk' (they conveniently didn't continue their discussion on Saturday). She hadn't been so shrewd. He was still not ready to 'talk' about moving east. He knew he had to deal with it, do it, arrange it, make it happen – he just didn't want to talk about it. It wasn't going to happen right away anyway, there was the case to deal with. He would have time to get used to the idea.

Mac was cleaning up the breakfast dishes, as Harm was packing and cleaning up the room that the boys had used. She came in with a load of laundry she had done that morning so Harm would not have to pack dirty clothes. She dumped them on the stripped bed and started folding them.

"You don't need to do that," he said.

"I know," she said quickly. "It gives me something to do while I am waiting."

"Waiting for what?"

"For you to tell me what's wrong."

"Wrong? Nothing is wrong."

"We never finished talking the other night," she pressed.

"Didn't we?"

"No."

"What is left to say?"

She gave him a look that implied he couldn't be seriously asking her that question.

"I am asking, what is left to say?"

"Quite a bit."

"I don't know what – the decision has been made – now it is a matter of following through," he was not so much bitter as snappy.

She shook her head and smirked. "The decision has been made? May I ask who made it?"

"Isn't is obvious what has to happen?"

"Not to me."

"Then you are just being --."

"Being what?" she interrupted keeping him from putting his foot in his mouth – again.

"Nothing."

"Why don't you tell me what you see as the OBVIOUS DECISION that has been made – purely for my edification?"

"Well," he started with his best cocky posture. "If we grant that we are getting married and want to live in the same zip code – then the boys and I will have to move east."

"'If we grant'?" she echoed back to him.

"You know what I am saying."

"Let's assume that I do and I don't take offense."

"There is no offense to be taken."

She was unconvinced. "Is that what you want to do?"

"What I want is not at issue."

"How do you figure that?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he asked.

"Not to me."

"You have a career opportunity that keeps you in Washington, you have a house you love that is big enough for all five of us, God knows I can get a job here in short order – and the boys are two and a half years old – they don't care if we live in San Diego, Virginia or Timbuktu."

"Is that how you see it?"

"Is there another way?" he felt the whole line of dialogue was useless.

"I see that I have a career opportunity on either coast which just opened two doors for us – rather than closing one door for you."

"Don't be ridiculous, Mac."

She was silent for a long moment. "Harm – let me ask you something, are you sure you want to do this?"

"What?"

"This – this thing – this thing with me. Get married, live together, all that – are you sure—?"

"I love you, Mac."

"I don't question that," she said quickly. "I question your desire to commit to a wife and the life that comes with that – and move three thousand miles to do it – or have me move three thousand miles."

"I am not backing out now," he defended.

"This is not about saving face."

"I am not trying to 'save face'," he mocked back at her.

"Harm, do you know that you are a forty-something year old man who has never – not really – been married?"

"You are now going to throw the old 'you can't commit' argument at me?"

"The odds of a man your age getting married and staying married --."

"I have never been one to follow the odds – this is different."

"You are damn straight it is different. I won't go through that again."

"Through what?"

"I won't go through a marriage with a man who is not willing to commit."

"Who said I was not willing to commit?" he stuffed some clothes into the suitcase. "I am very committed."

She studied him for a moment. "Harm – maybe this is not the right time for either of us."

"Oh, God now we are back to the 'bad timing' issue."

"You're impossible," she tossed the shirt in her hand down on the bed.

"You're the one arguing about this."

"And you are simply resigned to your FATE," she declared.

"What is the problem?"

"The problem is I want to know why we can't talk about this like adults."

"I don't see that there is anything to talk about."

"EXACTLY and you can't see why that bothers me?"

"Look you win – you get everything you want –"

"And you don't?"

Harm slammed the suitcase shut. "Damn it Mac, that is not what I said."

"No – no you didn't say that - you haven't said anything."

Harm dropped down on to the bed in defeat. He sighed. "Well one thing hasn't changed, you and I can find a way to argue about the color of the sky."

She sat down on the other side of the bed and put her hand on his shoulder, smiled and whispered. "The sky is sky blue – hence the name."

He looked out the window. "I don't know, Mac. Today it looks more copen blue to me."

"Copen Blue? Is that even a color?"

Harm pulled the crayons out of the carry bag that had he had already packed and pulled out a crayon that said COPEN BLUE and then found the one that said SKY BLUE.

She looked back out the window and then back at the crayons and laughed. "OK – today I will give you this one."

"Just today?"

She smiled and shook her head. She took a deep breath and started again. "Harm, please. The kids will be back in an hour – let's talk about this."

He looked back at her. "I think we can find better use for sixty minutes, marine."

"No doubt, but we need to."

Harm was silent.

"Have you changed your mind?"

"No," he took her hand. "No I haven't." There was a short pause as he thought about what to say next.

She cut him off. "Are you thinking about changing your mind?"

"Meaning?"

"Aren't you concerned about the change that married life will have on you?"

He nodded slowly. Not in agreement, but like he was trying on her assessment to see if it fit. "Well, it is true that I have been making my own decisions with little input from anyone for much of my life, but that does not mean I have 'commitment issues.'"

"Are you sure?"

"Just because you are two up on me in that arena does not mean that I can't do it."

"Well, to be honest – the fact that I have made it to the alter twice -."

"Nearly three times," he corrected.

"Nearly three times and am still single does not bode well for my ability to commit."

"You just chose the wrong men."

"Is that your problem?" she asked quickly.

"Choosing the wrong men?"

"Women."

"No," he snickered under his breath. "Though I have had plenty to choose from."

"What does that mean?"

He looked up at her about to speak; then changed his mind. "You don't want to hear this."

"I think I do."

"No, I don't think you really do – not if you knew – you wouldn't."

"Harm, are we keeping secrets?"

"Haven't we always?"

"Rabb I can still kick your butt into next week."

"I'd like to see you try," he smiled and shook his head. "No, I'll take the fifth."

"Does not apply."

"I want immunity before I say another word."

"You want me to promise not to get upset?"

"Yes."

She shook her head, "No."

"You are making it very difficult to share."

"Try."

He reluctantly forged onward. She was unshakeable. "You know that I wasn't involved with anyone after Renee – waiting for you," he said as he kissed her hand.

"What happened after you left JAG and before you met Linda?"

"Well I was a - what some would call – not sure how to --."

"What?" she hurried his babbling along.

"A confirmed bachelor."

"Meaning you dated a lot."

Harm laughed. "More than a lot."

"How much more?"

He looked worried. "No."

"Tell me," she warned. "I will find out anyway."

"That's true," he exhaled and slowly marched on. "Well for pretty close to two years – even up until and after the time I met Linda – I dated – A LOT."

"That has been established," she a puzzled look crossed her face. "Well, wait. What do you mean by 'dated'?"

"Anyone who smiled at me got a dinner invitation," he said quickly like he was ripping off a band aide. "It got to be a joke with Admiral Boone. Said I couldn't eat a meal without a woman's company."

"How many are we talking about?"

"Well – three four dinners a week – for close to twenty two months – a couple of dozen second dates – don't think I had a third date with more than a handful of times – I don't know – you do the math."

"That is close to three hundred women," she was shocked.

He laughed. "I didn't mean literally do that math."

"You dated close to three hundred women in two years?"

"I didn't sleep with them – for God sake Mac, it was dinner – and that number is probably high."

"Why? I mean why so many."

"I was a confirmed bachelor."

"I don't understand."

"After Renee there was no one – except you and you wouldn't have me – I was alone for close to three years. When I left, I was done being alone, but I wasn't going to have my heart ripped out and handed back to me again either." As soon as the words left his mouth he knew he had gone too far. He tried to recover. "So, I cooked a lot of pasta for women."

She watched his eyes for a long moment, wondering if she should ask what she had to know. "Is that what you think I did to you?"

"What?"

"You think I ripped your heart out and handed it back to you?"

"I didn't say that." Now he was back peddling - HARD.

"It sure sounded that like from over here."

"That is not what I meant."

She got up and went to the door. She paused and looked back at him. "Before either house gets put on the market or moving vans are called – I think we have a few things we need to iron out from the past," she walked out.

Harm waited a moment before he followed her. He found her in the bedroom stripping the bed. He watched her for a moment from the doorway.

"Sarah, I'm sorry."

"You are entitled to your feelings."

"I am also entitled to be wrong," he was gentle.

"I don't know what is wrong with me. I some how believed that we wouldn't have to deal with all of that."

"We don't."

"I think we do. Ten years from now, I don't want – all of that – Mic, Renee, Paraguay, whatever – to still be between us."

"Honey, that is our past, it will always be between us," he stopped her from her task and turned her toward him.

"Not like this," she was near tears. "I can't pay for mistakes for the rest of my life."

"I don't want you to."

"I need to be allowed to make amends."

"You have nothing to make amends for. I never said they were your mistakes. I made a lot more than you did."

"You don't believe that."

"I do believe that. I can point to six specific occasions when I was wrong and if I had done it differently things might have been different for us."

"Only six?" she smiled through her tears.

"The big ones," he smiled. "Off the top of my head," he brushed the hair off her face and kissed her sweetly.

He held her for a long moment before she spoke. "There is a part of me that wants us to get married right now, cause I know once we take that step – we will be forced to work it out."

"So, lets do it. Right now. Marry me today."

"No," she shook her head but it was clear that she was happy with the answer. "We need do it right or not at all."

"Sarah, we will work this out and God knows we could fix all the problems from the past, but there will still be more to come – and we will work those out too."

"Ya know Harm, when the marriage went bad with Alan – I was sad and it hurt, but there was still so much that was new to me about him that – I don't know – I guess I wasn't surprised," she looked up at him. "But I honestly think that if our marriage ended I would never recover."

"Honey, don't say that."

"I have known you too well – loved you too long – if our marriage fails --."

"It won't."

"But maybe we shouldn't --."

"Sarah – here is the deal. We may live in different states – at the moment – we may not have legally declared before the world that we are husband and wife – but for me – in my mind – we are married. We were the moment that you put this ring on your finger. And I don't care what anyone else has to say."

"Including me?"

"About this topic – yes. You will never convince me that I feel less or am committed less than I am. So all this other bullshit is just that. Even my own shit is just me making it harder on myself – and you," he turned her face up to his. "You are it for me lady. And that is all she wrote." He pulled her to him and they kissed – a kissed that confirmed their commitment.

"Call Chloe and tell her to keep the kids for another hour," he whispered suggestively.

She was happy but still needed to have some answers. "What should I do about the admiral and the posts?"

They sat down on the bed. "What do you want to do?" he asked. "You haven't told me yet."

"San Diego would be fine. A lot of hard work and probably longer hours."

"And the position with General Weston?"

"It will probably be nine to five when I am here – but with a lot more TAD's," she wiped the last wet from her eyes. "I also have never met General Weston, I have no idea what he is like."

"Has got to be better than Admiral Strickland."

"Famous last words."

"So you are going to tell her you want the job with General Weston?"

"Are you OK with that?"

"Absolutely. It is a great opportunity for you. Don't you want your work to be more meaningful?"

"In some ways yes, but I also don't want my work to take away from my family – my family that is about to take on three men."

"Well you said it – less hours with Weston."

"You wouldn't be too disappointed moving here?"

"I was never disappointed – I just felt like the man should offer something to the marriage – your house, your job – what am I offering you? Hell, if I move here – I will be out of work. Do you want to support me?"

"That would last for all of fifteen minutes – you'll find work."

"I will."

"Do you like your job in San Diego?"

"With Kate? Not really – good money – but the hours are killing me."

"And you can give up sunny southern California?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I can live in Virginia. It will be nice to be in real weather again with an actual change of seasons. Good for the boys."

"What about this house?"

"You sure you want us here? Two boys -."

"Three."

"- can wreck a little havoc."

"This house has stood for a hundred years – I think it can handle the Rabb men," she asked again. "Are you OK with living here?"

He looked around and half nodded and half shook his head. "Yeah – well, I'll redo the kitchen and put a new roof on, maybe add a room and change the wall paper in the bathroom – it'll feel like my house too when I am done with it."

She smiled, "Harmon Rabb and Tool Time."

"I am good with my hands," he wrapped his arm around her.

"Don't I know it," she kissed him. "So you are OK with this plan? I am not opposed to going to San Diego."

"No, no. Yeah – I mean – take the Pentagon job. We'll come here – not immediately. Got to finish this thing with Linda – but at least we have a plan."

"A good plan?"

"Yeah, it is a good plan. We need to figure out when the wedding will be and more importantly where the honeymoon will be," he grinned and leaned in to kiss her – but the phone rang and stopped him.

Mac answered. "Hello? … How are things going? … Really? … That's great. … You are where? … No, they don't need to be at the airport until 1600. … Ok … Ok … That sounds like fun …Should we meet you there? … Are you sure? … Fine … we will see you then. … Bye honey," she hung up.

"Chloe?"

"Yep. They are having so much fun, she is going to keep them for a couple more hours … there is some children's festival in the park – a petting zoo, arts and crafts and a puppet show in an hour."

"She is keeping them for a couple more hours?"

"Yes."

"HOURS? Two hours?"

"That's right."

"Hmmm … what do you think we can do for two hours?"

"We could go pick out wall paper for the bathroom." she smiled.

Mac got up from the bed and was nearly out of arm's reach before he grabbed her and pulled her back down on the bed.

"Or not," he smiled over her.

"Or not."

Kiss – fade to black …Copen Blue.