Title: I don´t want to be me! I want to be you!
Summary: Gandalf wants to be hot. Pippin wants to be noticed. Legolas hates Aragorn's many names. Gollum wants friends. Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas?
Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction.
Uhum… Sorry for a long wait. School, you know… Don't be too mad (hides behind the computer)
And last but not least: a bunch of roses to XNemesis for beta reading this for me (a extra big thanks to you).
Aragorn...Gollum
Boromir...Pippin
Merry...Gimli
Pippin...Elrond
Sam...Gandalf
Frodo...Boromir
Legolas...Aragorn
Gimli...Sam
Gandalf...Legolas
Gollum...Frodo
Elrond... Merry
Sam stands waving the staff at the Gate of Moria. His face is red of frustration, "Zimzalabim!…Alakazam!… Open open!… Bumbyduu!… Tunelutiumenaty…! Open you stupid excuse for a door!" He lifts his foot and kicks the door. "OWW!" Sam jumps on one leg holding his injured foot.
The Stone Door sniggers.
Everyone stops doing whatever they are doing and looks at the door with their jaws open.
The Stone Door sniggers again.
Sam glares at the gate and tries to suppress the words that are flowing into his mouth, "I HATE YOUUUUU!"
The Stone Door sniggersvery loudly.
"Excuse me, dearest hobbit-wizard…" Elrond apologises and taps lightly on Sam's shoulder. The dearest hobbit-wizard turns around, facingElrond and looks at him with a gaze, which promises a terrible death to the one who dares to say something like: Ah, here is the doorknob.
In fear for his life, Elrond blurts out, "… I hate it to." Elrond sneaks away, on his way to do something less dangerous, like asking the lake monster why he has such large teeth and if he could have a better look at them.
Merry entertains himself by throwing stones in the lake. Suddenly, Aragorn jumps out of the bush and stops Merry's hand from tossing the stone.
"Do not disturb the water," he says and looks suspiciously around.
Boromir steps forward fingering his beard, "I'm a little curious here… Why are you always turning up? Shouldn't you be somewhere trying to get the ring from Gollum?"
Aragorn looks at him with a disgusted grimace, "The ring? I don't want that stupid…" Gollum glares dangerously at Aragorn.
"… that lovely precious thing." Gollum looks satisfied.
Boromir continues questioning Aragorn, "By the way… Shouldn't you be golluming, sneaking, lurking or fishing somewhere?" He pauses. "You're doing a lousy job being Gollum…" Aragorn pales, horrified of the thought of being bad at something. On the other hand, Legolas really, really happy at the thought of Aragorn being bad at something.
Gollum hisses and grabs Aragorn, making the human jump, "Yess, we agreeses. Loussssy Gollum."
"Sucker," Legolas smiles wickedly.
Aragorn straightens himself and looks for words, "Well… You're not doing that great of a job being me." Now it's Legolas time looks horrified.
"Maybe we should help them?" Gimli ponders.
Aragorn approaches Legolas and doesn't stop until he is only inches from the elf's face, "I'm happy to help Legolas." Legolas even MORE horrified.
"Shall we start?"
Legolas makes wide eyes and answers fast, "No." Aragorn smiles wickedly.
Aragorn reaches out and grabs Legolas' hair, "You're hair is too long. I have to cut it…" Aragorn takes out a BIG knife.
"It won't hurt...much." Aragorn swings the knife in the air a couple of times. "Take that, and that..." When he is done playing with the knife, Legolas is hiding behind Sam.
"Coward!" Aragorn yells. Legolas sticks his tongue out at Aragorn. Sam doesn't notice Legolas crouching behind him. Behind him a lone figure sneaks quietly. The sneaking figure lifts his axe and brings it down.
Sam bends down to pick up a stone.
Legolas, who is currently without protection, hears a swing and feels something fall down his back. Legolas looks down and notices that his hair is shoulder-length. With a sharp turn he looks directly at Merry, who iswhistling and holding an axe in his hands.
"You. Cut. My. Hair."
Merry stops whistling and looks at Legolas with a fake surprised face, "Who? Me? No, I was shortening Sam's staff. No, I mean I was taking the axe for a walk."
"Die bastard! Die!" Legolas throws himself at Merry.
(Note to the readers: A angry Legolasplusa dwarwen axe, equalsa very extinct Merry.)
Gollum sits on the ground eating a fish. Aragorn also sits on the ground facing Gollum. "You mussst lengthen your ssssss." Gollum says when he has swallowed the fish bones.
Aragorn nods and makes a note in his mind, "Lengthen your sssssss. Got it."
Gollum continues after swallowing a fish eye, "You have to ssssneak."
Aragorn nods again and makes another note in his mind, "Sneak, alright."
Gollum stops abruptly chewing and speaks with his mouth full of fish, "Sssneak."
Aragorn nods again, "Just like I said, sneak."
Gollum leans forward, "SSSSneak," covering Aragorn with raw fish.
"Oh, ssssneak?" Aragorn suggests and wipes away the sticky fish.
Gollum nods satisfied, "Yesss. And tassty human musst sssssay preciousssss." He swallows the last of the fish.
"Preciousssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss" Aragorn hisses and tries to lengthen the s as long as possible
"Nice. You musst dessire the preciousss. You mussst wantsss it like we wantsss the precioussss, my love," Gollum smiles.
Aragorn stands up and looks shocked, "Who are you calling my love!"
Gollum shrugs, "We is callingsss you my love, my love".
Shaking his head, Aragorn tries to explain, "I'm very flattered, but I have a girlfriend…"
"No, sssstupid humanses…" Gollum stands up shaking his head wildly and holding his hands up.
"Oh, so now I'm stupid. Can't you make up your mind," Aragorn rolls his eyes.
Gollum rubs his head, "You issss making oursss head hurtses."
"And this about eating raw fish, it can't be good for your stomach" Aragorn complains.
Gollum stops rubbing for awhile and glares at Aragorn, "Doesss you know thatss you're very annoying, preciousss?"
"And now I'm precious! Give me strength! Make up your mind!" Aragorn throws out his hands in surrender.
Gollum hisses at Aragorn and continues rubbing his head, "Sssneak away, filthy human, sssneak away."
"No…" Aragorn puts his hand on Gollum´s shoulder. "…I think we should…"
The rubbing stops, "Ssshould," the rubbing continues.
Aragorn patiently corrects himself, "…Ssshould talk about your feelingsss. I'm not the man for you. Sssomewhere out there, isss a man who appreciatesss you…"
"Idiotsss," he hisses. Gollum sneaks away as fast as he can. Aragorn shakes his head.
"I hope I didn't hurt his feelingssss…" Aragorn says to Gimli, who has been studying the whole thing.
"You know you can be very stupid?" Gimli asks and walks away.
Silence.
Aragorn shakes his head, "Hope I didn't hurt him too,"
"Open you moron!" Sam screams and whacks the door with his staff.
If the Stone dDoor could, it would smile sweetly. "Not if you don't say the magic word…"
"You are a door. You shouldn't even be talking," Sam says and throws out his arms.
"Hello! I'm magic, if you haven't noticed already!" the Stone Door replies.
"I have said every magic word there is to say in the world…"
"There is one left…" the door says wistfully.
"Now you're making it up," Sam mumbles and crosses his arms around his chest to get some comfort. The Stone door lifts its eyebrows. (It's quite a remarkable sight if you remember that doors don't have eyebrows.)
Sam ponders for awhile for the perfect thing to say to get the door to open. Suddenly, an idea pops up in his mind, you can almost see a light bulb emerge above his head. "Alright, you know what I will do?"
"Oh, do tell me, I can't wait," the door says, interested in what the hobbit has come to think of now.
Sam looks proudly and says, "I will hack a new door right beside you, that won't have any stupid passwords, so no one will ever use you…"
The Stone Door wrinkles his eyebrows, again a remarkable sight "Is that the best threat that you can come with?"
"No, I can always sit down right here and sit and sit and sit, talking to you, and I won't stop talking until you go insane" Sam replies totally satisfied.
"Uuu, I'm shaking."
Sam sits down with a loud thud and begins, "Do you know that I'm Frodo's gardener and that Pippin is his second cousin on his mother's side and that Pippin's mother was my mother's father's cousin's daughter…"
Half an hour later
"ALRIGHT! I'll open!" the Stone Door yells and surrenders.
"Thank you," Sam says and starts walking happily through the door, on the way in he stops and ask, "By the way, what is the password?"
The Stone Door answers, "The most effective password ever made up. The one that will open almost any door. Can you open up, please?"
Sam tightens his hands to balls and lifts his foot to kick the door, "Why you…"
But he is interrupted by a scream from the lake.
TBC
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