Title:I don´t want to be me! I want to be you!

Summary: Gandalf wants to be hot. Pippin wants to be noticed. Legolas hates Aragorn's many names. Gollum wants friends. Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas?

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction.

Thank you all for not letting me starve! Your reviews were delicious! Give me more!


Aragorn...Gollum

Boromir...Pippin

Merry...Gimli

Pippin...Elrond

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry


…But he is interrupted by a scream from the lake.

"A BIG TASSSTY FISSSSHYYY!" Gollum screams, drool coming out from his mouth. He crouches, getting ready to jump on the lake monster.

Elrond swings his arms helplessly, "Gollum, NO! It's not a fish! It's the Dreadful, Slimy, Ring-Bearer Eating Lake Monster!"

The Dreadful-Slimy-Ring-Bearer-Eating-Lake-Monster licks its lips, "Mmm, ring-bearer…"

"Yummy, fisssshy…" Gollum answers and jumps. Everyone looks at him with wide eyes.

Gimli breaks the spell by stating the obvious, "You know you're quite a dork?"

The D.S.R-B-E.L.M catches Gollum in the air and places him above its open mouth.

"Hey! Put usss down! We forgotsss our fork and knife!" Gollum demands and starts pounding on the tentacle.

The D.S.R-B-E.L.M smiles briefly, "My pleasure…" And drops Gollum.

"On the ground, ssstupid fisss…!" Gollum screams, but is cut off when the D.S.R-B-E.L.M swallows.

But then a voice is heard from inside of the D.S.R-B-E.L.M, "Let usss outsss! Very dark, very sssslimy. Oh, a fisssh."

Aragorn takes out his sword from the sword-belt, "ARAGORN TO THE RESCUE!"

The voice inside the D.S.R-B-E.L.M says in a blaming tone, "Resssscue…"

Aragorn stops dead end and lowers his sword, "I don't think this is the proper time to discuss my pronunciation…"

The voice inside the D.S.R-B-E.L.M calmly hisses, "issss, discusssss…"

Aragorn sighs, "Alright… ARAGORN TO THE RESSSCUE!"

"Much better…" The voice inside the D.S.R-B-E.L.M states satisfied. Aragorn runs into the water and starts hacking the D.S.R-B-E.L.M.

"I wonder how long it will take for him to realize that he is standing in water…" Elrond ponders and studies Aragorn intently.

"Let me help! Let me help!" Gandalf begs and looks pleadingly at Sam.

"I think you should stay here…" Sam shakes his head and raises his hand. But Gandalf doesn't hear Sam's wise words; he is already running towards the water.

Sam shakes his head again and looks after Gandalf's running back. He turns around facing the other and bites his lip, "Umm… Should someone bring him back? So he doesn't do something really stupid…"

"But… Gandalf is a wizard… He can't do anything stupid," Boromir says confused.

Gimli taps him lightly on the shoulder to get his attention, "If you haven't noticed, he is supposed to be an elf…"

Legolas knits his brows, "I think that was an insult…"

Gimli takes on a fake surprised mask, places a hand upon his heart and takes a step backwards, "What! An insult? Of course it wasn't! How dare you accuse me of something like that!"

Legolas knits his brows even more, "Oh, are you sure?"

"Never been more sure," the dwarf assures.

"Okay…" Legolas shrugs happily.

"Fool of a Took!" Sam booms and hits his staff on the ground.

"Don't look at me, I didn't do it. Whatever it is, "Boromir replies, confused.

Sam shrugs matter-of-factly, "I know that, but I have always wanted to say that." He chuckles

Elrond taps his foot on the ground dissatisfied, "Sorry to interrupt you little chat, but I think Gandalf and Aragorn could use a helping hand." Everyone looks at Aragorn, who is currently hanging upside down, and at Gandalf, who is trying to convince the D.S.R-B-E.L.M that it is dead after being hit by one arrow.

Frodo bites his lip in thought and shrugs, "Yeah, maybe we should help them. FOR THE SHIRE…! Umm… GONDOR!"

Boromir lifts his sword and screams heroically, "FOR GONDOR… I mean THE SHIRE!"

Elrond, Boromir, Frodo, Merry and Gimli sprint towards the water. Legolas watches for awhile the sprinting figures, before he realizes that everyone except him is playing heroes. And that he would get a bath if he helped.

Legolas mumbles for himself, "No more filthy hair and feet," he then licks his lips and lifts his sword, "FOR CLEAN HAIR!" Legolas joins the others. Sam watches the battle uninterested and then walks back to the Stone door.

"That guy is really annoying" the Stone door snaps.

Sam shakes his head, "Who?"

Stone door rolls its eyes. Quite a remarkable sight, if you remember that doors don't have eyes. "The lake monster, duh. Last time I met him, he ate the dwarves before they had thechance to close me. I got a cold."

"You are a door. You can't get a cold," Sam says in disbelieve. "Oh, wait! You're magical, right?" he suggests and lifts his finger to make a point.

"Right, they left me in the draught," the Stone door sniffles.

Sam pats the door gently, "I'm very sorry…"

"Yeah. You try to blow your nose when you don't have a handkerchief… or a nose…" the door explains in a sorrowful voice.

"You have had a hard life…" Sam suppresses the urge to give the door a hug.

"Tell me about it… I never asked to be door, you know? I was satisfied being a piece of rock in a big mountain. But was I allowed to stay that way? No-o… I was forced to be a door. I think I'm going to cry…" the Stone door hiccups.

"Oh dear…"


Gandalf's face is slowly turning red of anger, "I HIT YOU YOU'RE DEAD! YOU'RE DEAD! THIS IS NOT FUNNY!"

The D.S.R-B-E.L.M holds two of his tentacles over his ears, "Please, stop screaming in my ear. I am getting a headache."

"WHEN YOU'RE DEAD I'LL STOP SCREAMING!" Gandalf answers in a not too friendly tone.

"Please sir, I was only employed to eat the ring-bearer. Do not make me eat you too… And you sir, yes you hanging upside down, stop trying to cut of my tentacle… I may get angry…" the D.S.R-B-E.L.M begs.

Aragorn stops hacking only to yell, "DROP ME DOWN, YOU SCUMBAG!"

"Quite impossible, sir. If I let you go, you will try to kill me… And frankly, I enjoy being alive" D.S.R-B-E.L.M explains.

"COME ON, YOU COWARD! DIE!" Gandalf screams, paying no heed to the D.S.R-B-E.L.M warnings.

"Oh, deary me…I do apologies sir, I hope you will forgive me, but I did warn you," the D.S.R-B-E.L.M whimpers, picks Gandalf up and swallows him.

Aragorn widens his grey eyes and lets the sword hang limply in the air, "You ate Gandalf. I can't belive it."

"I hope you excuse me, sir," the lake monster begs for forgiveness, "But I did warn him, did I not?" The D.S.R-B-E.L.M looks at the approaching group of Elrond, Boromir, Frodo, Merry, Gimli and Legolas.

"Oh deary me…" the D.S.R-B-E.L.M whimpers.

Frodo opens his mouth, "FOR GONDOR!"

Boromir, Elrond and Gimli follows Frodos lead, "FOR THE SHIRE!"

"Oh dear. I am getting a headache…" the D.S.R-B-E.L.M whispers and covers his ears again.

Everyone attacks the D.S.R-B-E.L.M except Legolas who takes a bath without anyone noticing. Suddenly the D.S.R-B-E.L.M hears voices inside of him.

Voice inside D.S.R-B-E.L.M, which sounds very much like Gandalf, "EWW! What do you eat? And don't you ever tidy up here?" The battle stops and end everyone listens intently.

Another voice inside D.S.R-B-E.L.M, which sounds suspiciously much like Gollum, "We thinksss it isss very nice here… Oh what´ssss thisss? " Gollum pokes his finger in something red and soft.

"Ow, please, sir. Stop doing that, it hurts" the D.S.R-B-E.L.M demands.

"Oh, we aresss very ssssorry," the voice inside D.S.R-B-E.L.M apologieses.

"Mention it not, it is all well now," the D.S.R-B-E.L.M says and nods satisfied. Suddenly someone whacks it on the head.

D.S.R-B-E.L.M looks confused around, "I say, who did that?" The D.S.R-B-E.L.M turns again only to see Aragorn's blood red face

"YOU ATE GANDALF!"

D.S.R-B-E.L.M wrinkles his face, "Yes, I noticed. But please stop hitting me on the head. I have a headache."

Twang.

A voice inside of the D.S.R-B-E.L.M yells happily, " HAHA! I HIT YOU AGAIN! NOW YOU'RE DEAD!" The D.S.R-B-E.L.M spits Gollum and Gandalf out.

D.S.R-B-E.L.M arranges his face into a strict mask, "I have a proposal. You stop screaming and hitting me and I will let you go."

Everyone shrugs, "Ok." And leaves the water.

But…

Twang.

Gandalf laughs and points at the D.S.R-B-E.L.M, "HAHA! I HIT YOU AGAIN!"

"RRRROOOOARRR!"

Everyone swallows nervously and stands paralysed watching the approaching D.S.R-B-E.L.M.

Finally Frodo breaks free from the spell and lets everyone know what he thinks of the situation, "AAAAAAAHH!"

Everyone runs inside the cave. The D.S.R-B-E.L.M rips down the cave opening, trapping the fellowship inside it. Everyone glares at Gandalf in the dark.

"What! He didn't say: stop shooting me." Gandalf answers the accusations. Gimli hits him with the frying- pan. Sam looks sadly at the place where the stone door was.

"Rest in peace, Stone door…" he whispers with tears in his eyes.


The ex Stone door breathes in loudly, "Lake Monster… I can't help myself, but I hate you…"


Aragorn scratches himself, "I feel funny… Sort of fresh… And I smell nice… OH VALAR! I HAD A BATH!" He faints.


Hope you enjoyed!