FIXeD! FIXED!
Creative Writing
Disclaimer: Do I really have to type this? I don't own the Wizarding World, Lily, James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Voldemort, et cetera.
Summary: The Diary of Emmeline Vance. Done in my own personalized style of Meg Cabot's Princes Diaries. Underline style and personalized.
September 1st, 1977And today we ride the Scarlet Train, the Hogwarts Express.
So, I'm sitting here in my compartment with my best friends Lily Evans and Riley Jelre, listening to them chatter incessantly about trivial things. Hey, I wrote down a very intellectual-sounding sentence. Wicked Sweet. Anyways…
I woke up this morning to have my kid brother, Evan, screaming total bloody murder in my ear:
"Wake up Emme! Get your fat arse out of bed!"
"If you do not leave me the bloody hell alone, I'll tell Mum that your eleven year old mouth is swearing up a storm."
"I only said arse!"
"What she doesn't know won't hurt her."
"Fine. But just to let you know, it's 10:30." He said, and left the room and I could hear him sniggering when I sat up in bed screaming. I only had a half an hour to get ready. I rushed over to my closet and in three minutes flat everything in my entire wardrobe was scattered across my floor. Of course, I never even wore half of it. My normal casual wear is jeans and a tee shirt, with my hair up in ponytail. Don't get me wrong, I care about my appearance and all but I'm a bit of a tomboy. So as I'm putting on my favorite pair of black jeans, Lily and Riles come blasting through the door.
"We've come to make you over!" Lily declared brazenly.
"Just for the record, mate. It was not my idea." Riles said, quite convincingly.
"Alright, sit down and relax." Lily told me, plopping me down on my bed whilst Riles dug through my drawers and my clothes all over the floor. Lily was messing with my makeup and fussing over my face.
"Lils! You poked my eye with that stupid mascara wand!"
"Sorry Emme!"
It took them a total of fifteen minutes they were done. Riles guided me over to my full-length mirror and I gasped. The girl staring back at me could no have been me. I didn't look like a… vampire. But this girl was wearing a black corset top, a short black skirt with lace poking out the waist, knee high black fishnet socks, combat boots. Her face was very pale; her lips painted blood red, and her eyes were done heavily with eyeliner.
"Whoa…" I said, almost not able to believe that it was me. "Wicked Sweet!"
"Lily, Riley, Emmeline! It's time to leave!" My mum shouted from down stairs and we ran as fast as we could, and piled into our car. Don't misunderstand, we are a pureblooded family but my aunt married a muggle, and it caused my mum to have this uncanny fascination with them.
Anywho, here I am, in my vampire attire, and seventeen-years-old ready to start my seventh year at Hogwarts. Lily just read that over my shoulder, and thinks we should make a list of the seven nest things about Hogwarts, since it's our final year. Why not?
Emmeline Vance, Lily Evans, and Riley Jelre's…
List of top seven things at Hogwarts!
BOYS! –RJ
I would like to point out that this is a reasonable thing, but not number one-LEIt shouldn't even be in the top ten! –EV
Charms! The neatest, and funnest subject ever. –LE
Lils, funnest isn't a word. -EV
She has a point there, babe. -RJHOGSMEADE ROCKS TUBE SOCKS! –EV
Totally! –LE I fully say, 'YOU BET!' –RJSirius Black. Need I say more? –RJ
I won't exactly deny that, he is hot. But top five? –LEIsn't that the same thing as boys? Hello? –EV
Throwing things at moaning myrtle! Fun game, that is. –LE
Lillian Marigold Evans! Talk about crude! And mean. Fun but mean! –EV
Go Lily! Finally, we've gotten her to think rebelliously. Even if it did take, oh, seven years! –RJ
Sneaking into the Forbidden Forest in the middle of the night. –EV
I completely agree. Except that one time that ugly old centaur chased us. –RJ Even if that is against the rules, it is so much fun! Good choice. –LETorturing Lucius Malfoy! And other Slytherins! –RJ
Ah yes, so very rewarding to our self-esteem! –EV
They deserve it so much! To hell with the Slytherins! –LEHere, here! –LE, RJ, EV.
And there, that is our list. I still don't think that Sirius should be listed separately from the boys. I mean yeah, he's like a major heartthrob and totally drool-worthy, but separate from the rest of the male population? Speaking of Sirius, he just walked in now with the rest of the Marauder's in tow. Joy.
"Hey Evans." James said, amazingly not making his voice all low. This year he didn't have to force it, wow. "Jelre, Vance." He added.
"Hello Potter." Lily said stiffly. "What can I do for you?"
Uh-oh… Lils made a bad word decision. She knows it too.
"Well, there is one particular thing that my
mind is screaming, but I doubt I could persuade you."
James
said, grinning like a madman. But his madman smile was not as
madman-ish as Sirius's was. And the creepiest thing was, he was
looking at me. SIRIUS BLACK IS LOOKING AT ME! Emme Vance, tomboy
extraordinaire. Maybe I have something on my face? Like, I did have a
hotdog for breakfast this morning, with mustard. Aurgh! Shut up
brain! SHUT UP!
"Merlin, Emme. What in the name of Morgana are you wearing?" Remus asked, looking at me as I if I was some sort of an Enigma. What is up with people and staring at me today? WHAT?
"It's called a skirt, nimrod." I retorted, my eyes flashing and temper flaring. Stupid, Stupid temper! "Is it a crime for me to dress like a girl for once?" Remus looked slightly embarrassed.
"It's just... sometimes we have a hard time remembering you're a girl." Sirius said, and I shot him a glare. Just because I dress like a tomboy, doesn't mean I don't look like a girl. I'm seventeen; I filled in quite well thank you!
"Just because I don't flaunt myself around in sluttish tops and up-your-arse skirts doesn't make me a girl? Just because I don't giggle and moon over every guy with a hot bod doesn't make me a girl? Just because I'm not some ditzy, blond, hair twirling, bubble gum blowing, bumbling idiot doesn't make me a girl?"
"Hey! Guys think I look like a girl and I'm not like that!" Riley protested.
"Me too!" Lily seconded.
"Uh, about that…" Peter started but Lily, Riley and I shot him looks that if they could kill he'd be death, dead, and dying. "Never mind!" he squeaked.
"I advise we go!" James said, and they all ran out.
Now I am sitting here (Wow, what a shocker!) and writing this. No wonder I've never had a boyfriend. They all think I'm a fucking guy. Joy. This is too much for me to contemplate at this moment.
Signing off,
The Emminator!
September 3, 1977
Yuck. First day of classes always suck loads of eggs. And I have decided to stick to the vampire/gothic look. I've dumped my usual uniform and put on a plain black baby-tee, and my favorite black trousers. Of course, I had to wear the combat boots. They rock tube socks, dude. I don't give a flying fuck if the Professors don't like it. They can go and drown themselves in a mud puddle for all I care.
Wowsas. I am opinionated! Such I rebel, I am. Well, not yet anyway. But that is my goal for the week; to be a total rebellious badass. Although it might take a bit more than a week, oh well.
How To Be Badass In Five Easy Steps:
Step One: Walk with your head held high. Make it look like you think you own the world.
Step Two: Don't take any shit from anyone. If they give you any, dish it back. That or kick them very, very hard. If you can, throw a punch or two for the effect.
Step Three: Dress the part. Wear lots of black, chains, and eyeliner. Look tough, loser!
Step Four: Be intimidating. Look down on everyone, roll your eyes constantly, and be sarcastic and witty.
Step Five: Never forget what you learned here. Also, play the cards you are dealt. Don't whine, it makes you look like a wuss. Don't let anyone get in your way. Be badass.
Now that I know what to do, I must do it. Walk into breakfast with an air of confidence. Take no shit from anyone. Punch people. Look down on everyone, because I am the superior being. Be a badass. Got it!
BREAKFAST
Oh bugger. They have no French toast once so ever at this godforsaken table! I checked the entire Ravenclaw table, to no avail! Alas, what are those crazy house elves smoking? Whatever it is, keep me away from it! FOREVER! I might have to visit the Gryffindor table. That means asking James Potter and them for some. BUGGER, BUGGER, BUGGER! Stupid house elves and their stupid drugs! Making me talk to the Marauders. They have no idea what problems they are causing. Maybe if I'm really discreet about it? Riles read that and would like to argue that it would be like, impossible for me to be discreet about asking them for French toast. I would like to point out that she has a point. Bloody hell, I hate her and her goddamned reality! Alright… I shall take a deep breath and go over there.
Back, with French toast that is more than likely contaminated. Bloody unfair, it was. It went quite like this.
"Oi! Losers, you got any French Toast?" I asked, walking up to the Marauders. They all turned to look at me as if I was an escaped mental patient. Me, in a bloody insane asylum? When hell freezes over, dudes.
"You mean this crap?" Sirius asked, picking up a piece of my favorite delectable breakfast food.
"Yes, I mean that you moron." I retorted, rolling my eyes skyward. Remember the rules. Head up, you own the world! "Now, are you going to give be some goddamned French toast or not?"
"Maybe, Maybe not." He grinned wickedly. Spaghettios! He was planning something; I could feel it in the very marrow of my bones. (Lily would like to add that bones are never wrong, especially hers.)
"Aww, does Sirius want something from little Emme?" Remus teased. They were talking about me as if I wasn't even there! Can you say, rude much? James went and snickered, and Peter was laughing pretty hard.
0"Earth to losers?" I asked, waving my hands around. "I'm standing right here." They all turned to look at me, and Sirius had that git grin plastered on his stupid good-looking face again! Aurgh. He was so aggravating.
"Tell you what, Vance." He said slowly, as if contemplating a well thought out plot. "I'll give you French toast if you go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend, and get Lily to go with James."
"While I'm at it, why don't I get Riley for Remus?" I said sarcastically. "I'll think about it. If you give me the French toast."
"Fair enough." He said, and I turned to leave, but he called out my name.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"I do believe you owe me, love." He said, and winked.
How disgusting! He is such an egotistical prat! He thinks that every single female in this school, years one through seven, worship the very ground he walks on! Many of them do, yes. But not all of them! Somebody needs to poke a hole in his gigantic ego. It'll do the world good. Time to go to Charms. Write later.
History of Magic
It's official. This is the most boring subject ever thought up. How is knowing about goblin wars, wendelin the weird, or fairy hostility ever going to help me in life? I mean, come on! Professor Binns is dead, first off. Secondly, he doesn't even know half our names. Here is an example of our usual attendance call.
"Ella Harris?" Me.
"Jillian Harding?" Lily.
"Recarnus Alamange?" Remus.
"Rhiannon Joles?" Riley.
"Jeremy Bloodzacher?" James.
"Sallo Bricken?" Sirius.
"Lucifer Marina?" Lucius.
I assume you get my drift. The guy is a total head case. FOR THE LOVE OF BANANAS! THE MAN HAD BEEN DEAD FOR SIXTY YEARS! SIXTY YEARS PEOPLE!
This lesson, Sirius decides to take a seat next to me.
"Hey babe. Made up you mind yet?" he asked, lazily lounging in his seat with his feet propped up on the desk. He thinks he is all that and a bag of chips. Humpf.
"Yeah I did." I said all sweetly. "No." My voice was totally low b-flat! He frowned. Ha! I think he's so surprised that he actually got turned down, that he is damned speechless! Man, do I feel superior or what? This sucks. Potions, then Transfiguration, Ancient Runes, and then Arithmacy. Strict teachers in those classes, there are.
I'm out,
The EMMINATOR!
September 4, 1977
Hello again…
Severus Snape is such a nerd. I'm just sitting in the library, minding my own business, and he is staring at me as if I've grown two cow heads and one goat. What in the name of David Cassidy is wrong with him? He's trying to spy at me inconspicuously, as in sticking a book in front of his face. What am I, and enigma? Holey bologna, I just wish the bloke would quit staring!
Oh, bugger. He's coming over here. And he's trying to see over my shoulder to read my diary! What an arse!
"What are you writing?" he asks and I'm looking up at him with a get-the-hell-away-whilst-you-still-can look. How dare he invade my private space and think he can get away with it? I mean how totally – MERLIN! You see that pause stuff I just wrote down? That is because bloody Severus Snape just kissed me. WHERE'S THE SANITIZER? Ew, ew, gross! I have Snape germs… Call the paramedics, medi-wizards, whoever! Got to get back to the common room and tell me buddies. You know… now that I think about it…he wasn't actually that bad of a kisser. Wait, did I just think that? Bloody hell and above, I did!
Bugger.
In Ze Dormitory…
Just finished talking to the firebird (Lily) and Riles. They are a tab bit more disgusted than I am. That is, of course because, I happen to think it was sort of fun. SOMEBODY PLEASE ERASE ME MEMORY! Bloody brilliant, Vance, bloody brilliant. I am utterly horrified with myself. How dare I think such a thing? Good thing nobody shall ever read this entry in my diary, because I am ending it now. Wouldn't that be awful funny if I sit at the Gryffindor table with Renee Laager, and then convince her to sit near the Marauders, and then let them see that? It'd be a real trip. But sadly, no more of this entry! It is tainted, as are my thoughts.
Laters,
EV
September 5, 1977
No more tainted diary pages to look at! Hehe. I am so clever. Want to know what I did? I put this cool charm I got from Lily on that page so now it's invisible unless I use the counter spell. HA! I will now stop all references to that moment in time, from this point forth in my diary.
I don't know what is up with Sirius, but it's driving me insane. Since when did he even care that I existed? I've just always been the girl on the Quidditch team who packs on awesome punch. I'm a beater, and with one whack I can knock anybody out that's on a broomstick. Speaking of Quidditch, I'm listening to a very boring lecture by James Potter, about if we don't win the cup this year, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! He does the same thing every year.
"VANCE!" he screams. "You think you can just sit there and scribble in that bloody book of yours? You need to be practicing! The first game is coming up and we can not afford to have you out of shape!" He is so rude. Has he no respect? Would he rather I shout all my thoughts and troubles out on him? And then when he didn't understand, squirrel him?
"Well excuse me that I'm so bloody tired of hearing the same speech every bloody year! And I am not out of shape! For your information, I taught myself how to properly pull off a Bludger Backbeat. With accuracy, might I dare add?" I retort.
"Lets see it then."
Must go show off ze Bludger Backbeat. Laters.
After Quidditch Practice
Practice went pretty well. The other beater, Alan Sheets, and I pulled off a doubledopper. Well, Alan and My version at least. Alan's a pretty decent guy, you know? I have really weird taste in guys; I would like to point out. I seem to go for the guys that no other girls are particularly interested in. Not only is this strange, but it has an advantage. That way, there is less of chance he'll cheat on me. The last time I went for a heartthrob, I found him snogging the hell out of Carrie Grant. His name was Jeremy Curtis. And when I say heartthrob, you don't even know that half of it! He was like, oh-mi-god-he's-so-hot-I-fainted-and-died-all-at-the-same-time hot. Don't ask me how I got him to pay attention to little ole' me. Aww, shit. Evan is bothering me, the little nuisance.
You know what Evan just told me?
"Emme, guess what?"
"Hmmm?"
"In the boy's bathroom guys list who they think the top ten hottest girls are."
"Utterly fascinating. Why should I care?"
"Because you are in the top five."
So then I begin to choke on my own spit right in the middle of the library, and Madame Pince shoots me one of her evil-librarian glares.
"No bloody way! When hell freezes over maybe!"
"Well dear sister, hell hath frozen over then."
CAN YOU BLOODY BELIEVE IT? What happened to all that 'we don't realize you're a girl' stuff? Maybe it was that outfit that I wore on the train? Bloody hell and above! Me, Emmeline Samaria Vance, one of the TOP FIVE HOTTEST girls at Hogwarts? I never really thought I was very much of a looker. I'm plain. I've got really nice blond hair (I must admit), chocolate brown eyes; I'm 5'7, my lips are this shade of red naturally, and I've got fair skin. Does that sound attractive to you? I never thought so. This is fucking unbelievable! From this day forth I am going to observe how many guys I find staring at me, besides Sirius. That is, if there are any others, which I highly doubt.
Bugger. I hate Potions, and today we have double. I swear, that Professor Hawkins is a she-devil! She hated me on sight I know it. I mean, I never did anything to her except that one time I accidentally blew up a potion in her face. May I underline the word accidentally? She's such a bitch. Eurgh.
Hello, this is Lily. I would like to comment on the whole hottest-thin-fiasco-thing. Emme, I know you don't think you are attractive, but you are. Not only are you beautiful on the outside, but on the inside as well. Oh Jesu, I sound like a bloody shrink! What I'm trying to say is, stop doubting yourself hun. Not only will it improve your poor amount of self-esteem, but it will also save Riles and me from hearing or seeing you whine about yourself.
Yeah! This is Riley speaking. Although, why are we introducing ourselves, Lil? The Emminator already knows what our handwriting looks like, and how to tell your calligraphy from my chicken scrawl. Emme babe, you are awesome. Even if you aren't attractive (which I'm not saying you aren't), you are a great person with a wicked sense of humor. As you would say, you rock tube socks harder than anyone else I know. So there you go girl.
YOU GUYS! Stop writing in my diary! But thank you, I do deeply appreciate your compliments. Now, you may go on telling me about how positively wonderful I am, verbally please. Haha. Oh, bugger. A, "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! It's Jelre, Vance, and Evans." Is interrupting our conversation. Stupid marauders, won't they ever learn? Especially James. Doesn't he get it? Lily hates him right now. Maybe that will stop, but for now that is the way it is. And Sirius, don't even get me started on him. He is so full of himself it's not even funny anymore. Just about every girl in this school will throw themselves at his feet and he'll pick one, snog them, sleep with them, and then drop them like a hot coal. I will never let him do something like that to me, or any of my friends. Frankly, I'd rather eat my brother's intestines than ever go out with that dickhead.
Laters,
Emmeline, Emme, THE EMMINATOR! (Mwahahaha!)
September 6, 1977
Yo, Yo, Yo, Wassup, Wassup? Sirius asked me out again, he's becoming the next James Potter. Except James doesn't ask Lily out all the time anymore. Its just Sirius asking me out all the time instead. Eurgh. Maybe I'll go on one date with him just to get him to sod off. Do you think it would work? WHY AM I ASKING MY DIARY ABOUT BOY ADVICE? AH! I truly am going insane. You know how they say the first sign on insanity is talking to yourself? (Not that you could possibly answer me.) Well, anybody who owns a diary is basically talking to themselves, as I have demonstrated many, many, times before. Talk about ironic. Would that even be ironic? I'm making my brain hurt.
I hate History of Magic. It is the most pointless, useless, and boring school subject ever invented my man/woman/wizard/witch kind. WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THAT STUFF? I sure as bloody hell and above do not. As should every else. Hogsmeade visit this weekend, and I can't wait. Hogsmeade rocks tube socks, dudes. I love going to the shrieking shack. I am totally into the paranormal, seriously. Though, I highly doubt the shrieking shack has poltergeist activity going on. It only goes bizerck once a month, around the full moon. I'd say we have some kind of werewolf inhabiting Hogsmeade. What if it's a Hogwarts Student? … Nah. Dumbledore is batty, and would probably let one in, though. So I can't really cross that possibility out… SHUT UP BRAIN! I really need to get a social life or something because I'm always jotting something or other down in this journal. Must be going, because I think if I don't sleep I'm about to pass out or something.
I'm Out,
EMME.
September 7, 1977
Thank God It's Friday! I love weekends; they're totally the best. Guess what? There's a new girl, her name is Alianne Nyx and she's pretty cool. She is kind of Goth-like, but that's wicked. Riles thinks we should 'adopt' her, and of course Alianne will not like being accepted in those terms. She's a kick-ass girl!
Example of an Alianne Nyx convo if you haven't met her before:
"Oi! Alianne, is it?"
"Yes, but I despise that name so you better call me Ali or you have a serious death wish."
"Right Then."
"Yeah."
"Love your outfit."
"Thank you, I happen to love it too, or I wouldn't have bought it."
"Why do you dress like that?"
"Why do you think I dress this way? Because I want to, and because I like to. Duh."
"Oooh!"
"Yeah, Oh."
"Um…"
"Um What?"
"What do I look like? As in, you look gothic."
"You look stupid. Like you do probably just about everyday."
"Hey! That was an insult."
"It's a compliment. (Voice dripping with sarcasm) Of course it's an insult. No fuck, Sherlock."
"Your like, super rude."
"It took you that long to figure it out?"
End Example
I told you! Ali totally rocks tube socks people! Oh! Maybe Sirius will develop a major crush on Ali instead of me! That would be bloody brilliant, but not entirely possible. Sirius is always going on about I'm the only woman in the world for him, and blergh, blergh, blergh! I'm getting so sick of it I tell you! Ha! That gives me an idea. I should look in Lily's copy of 'Bizarre yet Useful Charms and Hexes for any Occasion.'
It's a really cool Charms book that's got a bunch of nifty spells for anything you could possibly imagine. Think they would have a charm that made somebody's mouth disappear? Hmm… I hope to Merlin it does! Mwahahahahaha!
Sitting in Potions
Hahahaha… we have a substitute teacher in Potions! Let's knock the sub out cold and have a party! Summon some pizza from the kitchen, transfigure a radio, and we'd have ourselves some fun! Just bluffing, though I wish I could. It's been yonks since I played a prank on a professor. Oh how I miss it so! Alas; pranking substitutes is bad. Fun, but bad.
I think I shall just stab my quill through my heart and end my woes. I so fucking bored it's not funny! This bloke just keeps going on and on about the most stupid, sodding, things! Eurgh! I'll commit suicide if he doesn't just shut up!
SAVE ME!
-Emme
