Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you!
Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!
Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction. .
Like you see, my beta reader hasn't read this, so I would appreciate if you would tell me if I have some big mistakes. And by the way, this is the longest chapter I have written ever, I think, so I would appreciate if I would get many, many lovely reviews
Aragorn...Gollum
Boromir...Pippin
Pippin...Elrond
Merry...Gimli
Sam...Gandalf
Frodo...Boromir
Legolas...Aragorn
Gimli...Sam
Gandalf...Legolas
Gollum...Frodo
Elrond...Merry
Merry scratches his head in thought. "I spy something grey…"
Gimli chews puzzled his beard. "Umm… Stone?"
"Damn it." Merry kicks disappointedly a stone.
Gimli can't resist to smile triumphantly. "I spy something… hard." Merry thinks.
The hobbit looks around and tries to see anything that can be described with hard. "Hmm… Stone?"
"Bugger!"
"I spy something… sharp," Merry smiles self-confident. Gimli will never guess this.
Gimli ponders for awhile and then he throws out a wild guess. "Umm… Stone?"
Merry can't stop himself from expressing his feelings. "Crap!"
Gimli gives a smug smile, "I spy something… gold and SHORT." Merry lets his gaze wander in the cave.
"I don't have a clue."
"Sam's and Legolas' hair." Gimli couldn't smile more evilly.
"Hair. Short. Hihihihi… That's a good one. Hihihi…" Merry starts to giggle and covers his mouth with his hands.
"Hohohoh… I know. Hohohoho…" Gimli laughs in a "Hohoho, merry Christmas" way.
"We heard that…" And with that, Merry and Gimli shuts up.
Silence.
Merry looks curiously around and whispers. "I spy something…"
Sam stands up from where he has been sitting. "Can you two shut up? I'm trying to think!"
Gimli turns his head towards Sam and tilts his head a little to the left. "On what?"
Sam widens his eyes and his nostrils start to vibrate. "Well, if we should take the left or the right tunnel, duh."
"Oh."
Silence.
"I spy something…" Merry leans forward and feels Gimli's beard tickle his nose.
Dunk.
Sam looks at his staff. "Gee… That dwarwen helmet sure is hard…" Everyone looks at Merry, who lies on he ground, and at Sam's, now, broken staff.
Elrond's face lights up with a small smile. "Look at the bright side. The staff isn't too long anymore…"
Sam turns his head and looks at Elrond with unshed tears in his eyes. "Yeah, but it's too short now."
"Sorry."
Meanwhile…
"I see dead people… I'm so afraid… If anyone hears me, I want to apologise to Legolas´, Sam´s, Gandalf´s, Merry´s, Elrond´s, Gimli´s, Frodo´s, Boromir´s and Gollum´s parents. I'm so sorry… If I ever get out of here, I promise I'll take a bath. A bath that smells like…" Aragorn shudders.
"… strawberry. And I will put on clean clothes. I'm so afraid. It's so dark in here. I hate this plac… Oh, look. A bottle of ale."
Legolas puts a finger at Sam's lips. "Sssch. Listen."
"Whup?
"Can you repeat yourself. I couldn't hear you," Legolas says to Sam.
"Tfake tfet tfusid sfinher ftom mhy flips"
Legolas frowns. "Fake that fussy spider Tom my flips?"
Gimli makes an annoyed face and hits Legolas on the head with the legendary frying pan. "Take that stupid finger from my lips," Gimli pronounces every word carefully.
"I didn't touch your lips. The thought gives me shivers." Legolas says.
"Ssssch. Listen." Frodo comments and everything turns quiet.
"That was what I said. But did anybody listen then. No-o. Why would anybody listen to Legol…" Legolas mutters but is interrupted by an agreement from a dwarf.
"Why would anybody listen to an elf?"
"…dadidadida… a pirates life… and black sheep… and really bad eggs…" The voice sounds awfully familiar, don't you think?
Boromir takes a cautious step forward and gazes into the darkness. "Aragorn?" The named man steps forth.
Aragorn tilts his head and throws out his arms, spilling ale from the bottle on the ground, and smiling in a goofy way. "Boromir? It's that you? Man, am I glad to see you…?"
"I don't know… Are you?" Boromir asks uncertainly. Everyone rolls their eyes.
"Yes. Yes! I am glad to see you. To see you all!" Aragorn throws out his arms again and runs to Gandalf and gives him a bear hug.
Frodo smiles shyly. "Are you? Oh, that's so nice…"
Legolas shakes his head and helps Gandalf, who is running out of air, to free himself from Aragorn. "Aragorn, what's with you?"
Aragorn looks around confused, as if he was looking for Aragorn. After a few seconds he realises that Aragorn is he. "Who? Me? I met a couple of friendly dwarves, quiet ol´ lads, and they were friendly enough to give me some bottles of ale…"
Merry interrupts Aragorn with gleaming eyes. "Do you have anything to spare?"
"Yes I have."
"…"
Everyone looks at Aragorn.
Aragorn places both his hands behind his back and studies Gimli with a big interest. "Dumdidumdidu… Yo ho… and really bad eggs…"
"Well…" Merry asks hopefully.
Aragorn looks up and releases Gimli's beard. "Dumdiduu… Well what?"
"Can I have some?"
"Oh!" He claps his hands and leans forward. "Hehe… Sorry lad…" Aragorn gives Merry a clap on the shoulder and leans even more forward. When Aragorn is one inch from Merry's face he speaks: "No."
Sam, who is the only one who hasn't been following the happenings intently, yells angrily. "Can you all shut up? I'm trying to think!"
Aragorn walks forward on wobbly legs and leans on Sam. "If you need quiet to think… Then it will be a problem…"
Sam turns his face away from Aragorn's alcohol smelling breath. "What do you mean?"
Aragorn is again lost in his own little world. "Dumdidumdidu… We are devils… and really bad eggs…"
"Well?" Sam taps impatiently with his foot.
Aragorn looks up surprised. "…?… Oh, you mean me. Well you see… Hey, nice haircut. Didn't notice it at first…"
"…"
Aragorn lets Sam go and starts to roam in the little space there is to roam. "Anyway. On my way here I met a bounce of ugly looking figures, and I was quite lost, so I asked them if they have seen you. And they said no. And then they said that they are also looking for you. Small little world isn't it?" Aragorn's hands dances in the air while he talks. "Where was I? Oh yeah. And then they said that if I would find you, I would give them a shout. By the way I haven't done that… Wait a minute. YUHUU! I FOUND THEM!" Aragorn´s voice echoes in the cave before anyone has the time to stop him.
Aragorn continues not noticing the worried faces of the other's. "And then they said that if they would see you, they would give me a shout. Such friendly, ugly creatures. Just between… Umm…" Aragorn counts the Fellowship.
" …five, eight, nine… Hmm… us fifteen, they looked a little bit mean. You know, they kept fingering their swords. Well at first I was a little bit suspicious, so I asked them what their names is. And they answered. Polite, ugly creatures."
"And what is their names?" Boromir asks warily, glancing around, ready to kill the first of those polite, ugly creatures, which would dare to jump into view.
Aragorn places thoughtfully a finger on his lips and stops his wandering. "Well, that is the funny part. They don't have own names. It seems that they all have the same name. Orc. Funny name for ugly, polite, friendly creatures." He smiles.
"…!"
"You will love them, I promise." Aragorn assures them. "Oh, look. Here they come!"
"Follow me! Before they catch us!" Sam picks up his staff, points with it at the right tunnel and runs into it.
Elrond runs beside him. "But how do you know this is the right way?"
"If you want to, you can go back and ask the friendly orcs which is the right way. I'm sure they will tell you."
"I think I'll stay right here with you."
In the back Boromir pushes Aragorn to a run.
Aragorn puts up a fight. "But I don't understand! They are really nice! Don't be afraid of those arrows! They are only playing with us!"
Twang.
Aragorn laughs insanely. "Haha! Good one Mr. Orc! You almost got me thinking you were aiming at my back! Such good humour!"
"Can someone shut him up!" Boromir glares daggers at Aragorn's back.
Legolas smiles happily. "I can!" He hits Aragorn on the head with the sword hilt.
Boromir stops running and glares at Legolas and the fainted person. "Well-thank-you-so -very-much, now I have to carry him."
Legolas smiles wickedly. "Who says you have to?"
"Point." Legolas and Boromir sprints after the others, leaving Aragorn on the ground.
After one hour the Fellowship is tired of running and hides inside a room.
Gandalf looks disappointedly at the closed door. "You should have left me there, I could have killed those nasty orcs."
Legolas sneaks up behind him and whispers. "What do you think we tried"
Merry looks around with frightened eyes. "What's that?"
Frodo steps rapidly backwards. "EEWW! It's a grave!"
"What!" Gimli turns pale as a sheet. Sam walks over and reads the text on the gravestone.
He lets his head drop. "I'm so sorry Gimli. It's your cousin, Balin."
Gimli throws himself at the grave. "NO!"
Sam places a comforting hand on one of Gimli's shoulders. "I understand you loved your cousin very much."
Gimli looks confused. "Well, no. He has my best axe. And now I won't be getting it back"
"How sensitive." Elrond says sarcastically. Suddenly there is a knock on the door.
"I wonder who that could be at this time of hour?" Frodo starts to walk towards the door.
Elrond panics. "NO! Do not let them know we're in here!"
Frodo stops abruptly. "Okay." There is another knock.
"Umm… No one is home. Come back later." Frodo says and everyone claps their forehead (well, everyone except Frodo).
"I am only a poor little girl in a pink dress and I am only trying to find my way home," a sad little voice says behind the door.
"…" The Fellowship comments.
The voice behind the door begins to cry. "I miss my mummy…"
Frodo opens the door, full of compassion. "Oh, you poor thing. Come in."
"NO!" Elrond yells.
And behind the door stands… a girl in a pink dress.
Everyone, "?"
The girl in a pink dress smiles sweetly. "Just kidding. Orcs! Attack!"
Sam lifts his staff up. "Fellowship!… Umm… Everyone for themselves!"
Swords clashes and arrows flies through the air.
Gandalf laughs while he kills an orc. "HAHAHA! THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!" Suddenly the ground shakes and a cave troll enters.
Gandalf stops and looks at the troll with admiring eyes. "A cave troll! LET ME HAVE HIM! HIS MINE! DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HIM!" Gandalf decapitates an orc who was standing near the troll. "Don't you dare touch him. His mine, all mine. Muahahahahaha!" He points an arrow at Elrond, who is getting ready to put his sword in the trolls stomach. "Do. Not. Try. To. Kill. Him! He. Is. Mine!"
Elrond shrugs. "Whatever you say, man. He's yours."
With the feeling that someone is starring at him, the cave troll turns around, only to find Gollum crunching on the ground with gleaming eyes.
"Yummy! A nice, big fissssh."
Cave troll looks at Gollum with a dull expression. "?" Gollum jumps on the troll and bites it.
"A little hard to chew. But we'll manage it, won't we preciousss?"
"DON'T YOU DARE EAT HIM! HE'S MINE!" Gandalf points an arrow at Gollum and lets it go. To Gollum´s fortune (and to the cave troll's misfortune) Gandalf doesn't have, what you would call, a good aim, so the arrow hits the cave troll its right eye.
"… I was just looking for the bathroom…" And the troll falls dead down.
"NOOO! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! I KILLED IT BEFORE I WANTED TO! I HATE YOU!"
Gollum bites nervously his lip. "Upssss…" Gandalf starts chasing Gollum down some stairs.
Sam points towards the stairs. "Look everyone! Gandalf found stairs! Come on!" The Fellowship follows Gandalf and Gollum.
"Do you think we lost the orcs?" Boromir asks everyone and no one in particularly
Merry shrugs. "Sure looks so…"
Legolas smells the air. "Do you smell something burnt?" Suddenly Gandalf bursts out from a room.
"I KILLED IT! I KILLED THE BIG BEAST!" Everyone looks at Gandalf who is running towards them with his clothes on fire
Sam sighs, feeling a headache coming. "Can someone put out the fire?" Gimli trips Gandalf over and starts rolling him on the ground until the flames are put out.
Sam closes his eyes slowly. "Now, what did you kill?"
Gandalf makes wide eyes, he has never been more excited. "Oh it was big! And black! And it had a whip! And it was made of fire! I killed it in its sleep!"
Now it was Elrond's turn to close his eyes. "Gandalf, I hope you realise that you probably met a Balrog. And Balrogs don't die of one arrow."
Gandalf throws out his arms to prove his point. "It's dead I promise! I saw it with my own two eyes…"
"RRROOOARRR!"
Elrond opens his eyes and glares at Gandalf. "Well, probably we can't trust your eyes…"
Gandalf stomps with both of his feet. "Oh bugger. Wait here, I'll kill it."
"Oh, no you don't." Gimli lifts Gandalf up on his shoulder.
Gandalf starts to kick and scream. "Put me down NOW!"
With a feeling of dêja-vu, Sam picks his staff up and encourages everyone to run for their lives.
The Fellowship starts to run towards a bridge.When they are crossing it, Sam trips on his too long dress. "Help me! I fell!"
Boromir turns around, now running backwards. "Uhu, you said every one for themselves! And you're supposed to protect us! You're a wizard!"
Sam curses. "Damn it!" With wobbly legs he stands up and looks bravely at the forth coming Balrog.
Sam clears his throat. "Uhum… Excuse me Mr. Balrog…"
The Balrog stops abruptly. "Yes?"
Sam bites his bottom lip. "Could you possibly, like, let us go?"
"No."
Sam shakes his head. "Why?"
Balrog stares. "Because…"
"Yes?"
The Balrog scratches his head and ash flies in the air. "Hmm… I don't remember… I have to go and ask my master."
"And who is your master?" Sam wonders.
"Hmm… I don't remember…"
"Maybe your master said that you should let us go…" Sam asks hopefully.
"I don't remember… Could be."
"I'm sure he said so…" Sam assures and nods.
The Balrog frowns lightly. "I should go and ask…"
"Alright, you can go. We'll wait here."
"Promise?"
"Promise." Sam assures again.
…
"Shouldn't you go?" Sam asks.
"Go where?"
Sam points towards the ravine. "To ask."
Balrog shakes his head. "To ask whom?"
The hobbit taps impatiently his foot. "Your master."
"About what?"
"If you should let us go." Sam is getting very frustrated.
"Right. I have a such a bad memory."
"Really. Haven't noticed," Sam mumbles.
"What did you say?" the Balrog asks politely.
"Really. Happy. Noise?"
The Balrog eyes Sam cautiously. "You know you're quite strange. Hmm… Do you have a good memory?"
"Maybe, why do you ask?"
"Ask what?" the Balrog ponders curiously.
Sam rolls his eyes. "If I have a good memory…"
"Well do you?"
Sam is ready to do anything to get away from this stupid Balrog, even ready to do something really idiotic. "Yes."
"Good!" the Balrog takes Sam in its hands and says: "Then you can ask my master… what ever it is that I am supposed to ask." And with that the Balrog, with Sam in its hands, jumps off the bridge into the dark ravine.
The rest of The Fellowship stares in wonder and starts to walk away.
"Where are you going?" Merry asks his friends.
Boromir turns around and answers. "As far away from here as possible."
"But, but, we promised Mr. Balrog that we'll wait here…"
"Merry, that was a joke."
Merry stops abruptly. "Oh."
Gimli shakes his head. "It's sad that Sam disappeared…"
Merry taps his friend on the shoulder in a try to cheer him up. "But there is a bright side."
"What bright side?"
Merry smiles wickedly. "I spy something…"
Meanwhile
"Dumdidumdidu… a pirate's life for me… and black sheep… yo ho… and really bad eggs… Why, hello Mr. Orc. Care to join me? I have some really nice ale. Oh you're busy. Doing what? Chasing the nine walkers? Sounds nice. Can I join you. I lost them too. Why thank you. You know you are all very nice. Dumdidudi duu… and really bad eggs… drink up, me hearties, yo ho!"
Aragorn's song is taken from the Pirates Of The Caribbean. Thanks to Lady of Mirkwood for helping me get the right words.
