Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you!

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction. .

I want to thank XNemesis, because she has been beta-reading my story since it was published. (That was probably in December, because my story has been removed twice) However, she isn't able to continue as my beta reader anymore. But I'm happy to announce that I have a new beta now! Her name is The Lady of Mirkwood. Applaud her, dear readers!

Many have asked if Sam will return. I'm not going to tell. It's my secret. ;)


Aragorn...Gollum

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry


"I'm going to kill them. I'm going to kill them slowly and painfully in their sleep..."

"Why, hello Aragorn! I didn't see you at first, there, in the dark!" Frodo greets, waving enthusiastically.

"I'll sneak up on them; they won't even know what hit them. Slowl..." Aragorn stops abruptly. "What!"

"I said hello! Maybe I should have said goodnight, because it's dark," Frodo smiles happily. "Flower?"

Aragorn automatically takes the flower Frodo offers him, "How did you see me? I crept in the bushes without making a noise!"

"Yes, I didn't notice you at first, but when I went away from the others to do what..." Frodo blushes. "You know... hmm... what you eventually do in your life, after you've taken a couple of you know"

Aragorn looks at Frodo with a questioning gaze.

Frodo blushes even more and makes gestures with his hand to make the human come closer. Aragorn obeys and crouches down, "You know," Frodo whispers. "Wee-wee?"

Aragorn takes a surprised step backwards and straightens himself from his crouched position. "Oh." There's an uncomfortable silence. "Well. Hmm. Maybe I should let you continue with your... business... alone. As in privately. Yeah?"

"Yes, maybe that would be for the best," Frodo answers, nodding.

Aragorn starts to walk towards the place where the rest of the Fellowship is sitting. "Wait. How did you notice me?" Aragorn questions, turning around.

"Did you not know? Oh, you have such a pretty glow. It makes me wish that I could glow in the dark."


"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"What was that?" Legolas stands up and listens intently.

"It sounds like something dangerous. Perhaps something deadly" Gandalf speculates. "Let me go. I can take care of it! It's mine!"

"I don't like the sound of this," Gimli says, biting his pipe nervously. Suddenly, Aragorn rushes out from the bushes.

"What has happened to me! Look at me! I glow!" Aragorn yells, throwing out his arms. Everyone blinks, studying him intensely.

"No, you don't."

Aragorn steps back into the dark, away from the light of the fire.

"You glow," Merry says.

"No shit, Sherlock. Do you really mean that?" Aragorn answers facetiously, rolls his eyes.

Frodo appears from the dark and goes to stand beside Aragorn. "I think he means it. He's very smart. Once, he could..."

"Thank you, but do you see someone who is interested? We have bigger problems here, Like: Why in the name of the Valar do I glow?" Aragorn says and hits Frodo on the head. Frodo's head bends forward because of the force of the blow. He turns his head towards Aragorn with a hurt glare. His lips start to tremble with anger and a fire fills his eyes. Frodo turns on his heels and walks away into the dark.

"That wasn't necessary. You were being very rude," Gimli reprimands, glaring angrily at Aragorn.

"Blah, blah, blah. I don't care. I'm glowing! Is it just me that finds that a little weird?"

Everyone agrees that it is possibly a bit weird.

Elrond takes a sharp breath, "You were following us from Moria. You were angry, because we left you there with a hangover and a couple hundred hungry orcs. You followed us to Lothlorien, and then, when we sailed away, you sneaked into the water and started following us. You wanted to kill us but, suddenly you saw a bottle in the water, which was filled with some liquid. You tasted it and, finding it tasty, drank it all. You didn't know that it was the vial of Galadriel, filled with light of the brightest star: the light that can vanquish the darkest of dark. The vial filled withthe hope of Gollum," Elrond explains and breaths in. "No, you wouldn"t be so stupid that you would drink something that you had found floating in a river.

Aragorn blushes.

"Am I right?"

Aragorn blushes even more.

"Oh Valar!"

"Where is Frodo?" Gimli asks and looks around, searching for any sign of his friend.

"Yesss, where isss the tasssty hobbitsie?" Gollum wonders, licking his lips.

"We should go and look for him," Legolas states. He takes his sword and walks off into the dark. After collecting their weapons, the Fellowship follows Legolas.


"Tasssty hobbitsie. Tassssty hobbitsie! Where are you?" Gollum says and looks smiling around. "Come out; come out where ever you are." He is interrupted by a sob. He stops by a bush and crouches down. "It's okay, dear hobbitsie. You don't need to be afraid of me; I won't hurt you." Gollum smiles, puts his hand into the bush, grabs hold of Frodo's shirt, and drags him out.

"Let me be! Let me be!" Frodo protests and shakes Gollum's hand off of him. "What do you want?"

"What do we wantsss, my preciousss? Why would we want sssomething?"

"You interrupted my meditation in the bush," Frodo explains formally.

"Let'sss ssee... You were meditating... in a bussssh?"

"Yes. I do that a lot."

"We sssee."

"Now, let me know what you want," Frodo demands.

"We weresss looking for you, precious. We all weresss; the whole camp," Gollum tells.

"Well, you found me. Are you happy?" Frodo snorts. "Umm, did you miss me or something?" Frodo asks softly.

"Yesss, we misssed our precious. Essspecially your tassty feet. We're ssso hungry. Not been eating anything tassty in sssuch a long time..." Gollum says, looking greedily at Frodo.

"Oh. W-well m-mayb-be we should g-go back t-to the others. They have surely s-s-something tas-s-sty," Frodo stammers, suddenly realizing why Gollum was looking for him. He takes a step backwards and smiles nervously.

"No, we think it would be better if we left the othersss out of it. We hatess to ssshare dinner. Gollum! Gollum!"

Frodo swallows and runs away.

Gollum shakes his head and follows, "Don't worry! We won'tss hurt you! All we wantsss isss your life!" he shouts after Frodo, laughing maniacally. Frodo looks behind and his eyes widens in horror. He doesn't want to be Gollum's midnight snack! Then he falls. Gollum's eyes glittering in delight, he jumps, landing on top of Frodo.

"Ssso hunnngrrry!" Gollum says between his teeth.

"No! Go away! Leave me alone! HELP! HE'S TRYING TO EAT ME!" Frodo screams in horror. They scuffle on the ground, until Frodo is lying on top of Gollum. He smiles victoriously.

"You were saying?"

Gollum glares back, but before he has the chance to reply, they can hear heavy footfalls.


A FEW DAYS EARLIER!

"Do you know how orcs came to life?" Saruman asks the Uruk-Hai.

"Snarl," it answers.

"They were once elves, taken by darkness; mutilated; tortured."

"Snarl?" the Uruk-Hai asks.

"How? Well, darkness forced them to watch the Teletubbies every morning for three hours. Are you satisfied?" answers Saruman.

"Snarl," the beast comments contentedly.

"Where was I?" Saruman asks absentmindedly.

"Snarl," the Uruk-Hai says helpfully.

"Ah, yes! Tortured, mutilated, and shaped into what became orcs. And now, perfection! Now I have an army that can move in daylight. I have an army that isn't afraid of anything! Now I hav..." Saruman's eyes shines happily.

"Umm," the Uruk-Hai interrupts. "Snarl."

"Well, not afraid of anything except pink slippers. Are you content?"

"Snarl," it states happily and shivers at the thought of slippers.

Saruman rolls his eyes, Well , he thinks, Nobody is perfect. He turns around to face the crowd of snarling beasts. "You will notfeel fear nor pain! You will taste man-flesh," he orders. He then turns towards the captain of the small Uruk-Hai army. "One small being has something very precious. Bring him to me. He will be unspoiled and unharmed. Understood?"

"Snarl," the beast answers and smiles politely.

"Snarl?"

"Yes, of course. How could I forget? Kill the others."


Heavy footfalls disturb the silence in the woods. Soon two Uruk-Hai see Frodo and Gollum. They snarl a loud snarl and rush towards the two lying figures.

"Snarl," the bigger Uruk-Hai says.

Frodo and Gollum look at each other. Then, at the same time, they both stand up and start to run. The Uruk-Hai catch the two fleeing Fellowship members.

"Snarl?" the smaller one asks.

"Do we hasss sssomething preciousss, precious? No, we hass nothing. But that ssstinking hobbit there has something of great value," says Gollum, answering the Uruk-Hai's question.

The beasts change looks and then put down Gollum and pat him on the head, "Snarl."

"Yesss, we are good boysss," he says. He then waves to Frodo and scampers away as fast as he can.

Frodo watches in horror as Gollum runs away and then turns around, only to face two smiling Uruk-Hai, "Heheh, I'm a good boy too..."


Five Uruk-Hai watch Merry with glaring eyes. They don't understand.

"You don't understand? How boneheaded can you be? I'm not one of the small; I'm a dwarf. The small ones are that one over there, and that one right there," Merry explains, pointing out Elrond and Boromir.

"Snarl?" asks one of the more talkative Uruk-Hai.

"No, I'm sure that I'm a dwarf: as sure as they, over there, are hobbits."

"Snarl," it thanks, shrugging. With that, the five beasts start to walk towards Elrond and Boromir, weapons at the ready.


The Uruk-Hai that is holding Frodo feels something in his pocket; it takes it out and drops it in horror.

"Snarl!" it shouts in fright and takes a step backwards, dropping Frodo. The beasts watch the object lying on the ground in horror. Taking the chance, Frodo spurts away, only to return when he notices that he forgot something important.

"Excuse me. I will be taking that back now. Galadriel would be very angry if I left one of her pink slippers with some Uruk- Hai," he explains. Then he snatches the slipper and sprints towards the camp.

For a few moments, the Uruk-Hai are too frightened to move, but, finally, they start to move again.

"Snarl!" the chattiest of the beasts shouts, and they start to follow Frodo, with murder in mind. No one gets away from them when they have made them almost piss in their pants.


Gollum gallops through the woods with only one thing on his mind: getting away from there, and quickly. He comes to the shore and climbs into one of the boats. Throwing away the elven-rope, he grabs a paddle, puts it into the water, and paddles one time. To his surprise, the boat doesn't move an inch.

"And where do you think you're going?" Gimli grumbles, holding the boat in his big hands.

Gollum frowns angrily and then turns around, putting on a fake smile. "Mr. Gimli, so nice to sssee you. We only wanted a little exercise, nice dwarf... hobbit. Nice hobbit. It'ss the truth!"

"You did? Why don't I believe you?" Gimli asks, lifting one bushy eyebrow.

"We don't know, we don't know! We're ssso nice. Nice us."

"Oh, I understand! You didn't want risk the lives of the Fellowship, so you've decided to go to Mordor by yourself?" Gimli smiles.

"Ah, yesss. That'sss it. Let usss go, nice hobbit. We have a job to do," Gollum smiles back.

"No, I couldn't let you go on by yourself. I'm coming with you. And we're going to need that rope," Gimli says and picks up the elven-rope.

Gollum rolls his eyes and presses his hands to his head. "Ssstuid, ssstupid," he mumbles miserably.

"What did you say?" Gimli asks and smiles tenderly. Gollum glares at him. "Let's move," Gimli orders, and he starts to paddle.


Aragorn breaks through the trees watching Gimli and Gollum disappear into the woods on the other side of the river. He takes deep breath, "I'm not letting that bastard go away unpunished. It's his fault I glow." With that, he plunges into the water, following Gollum, his whole glowing being wanting to strangle the ring-bearer.


The five Uruk-Hai run towards Elrond and Boromir. They are almost there when, suddenly, Frodo appears from the trees, and runs into the leader Uruk-Hai. It stumbles backwards. Frodo lifts his sword, angry, because he had lost his slipper. "ARGHH!" he screams, and attacks the beasts, killing the first.

Suddenly, two other Uruk-Hai appear from the trees. "SNARL!"

Every Uruk-Hai turns their hating eyes at Frodo. He has pink slippers. Frodo attacks again, killing Uruk-Hai number two. The remaining Uruk-Hai turn around, sprinting away from Frodo: they don't want to be infected by someone that has touched a pink slipper! After making some distance between themselves and the angry hobbit, one of them raises its bow and shoots.

The arrow hits. Frodo falls to the ground. Boromir and Elrond watch in horror as their friend falls down. "NO!" they scream, only to be hit in the head by sword hilts. They fall down, unconcious. The snarling beasts lift them up, smiling, and walk away.


Merry, Legolas and Gandalf turn up only minutes after the Uruk-Hai took their captives.

"Frodo, no," Merry whispers and runs to his fallen comrade.

Legolas watches Frodo's pale face, "Who did this?"

Gandalf looks around innocently, feeling someone's stare. He looks up only to see Legolas glare at him. "It was certainly not I!" he protests.

Legolas looks at the arrow, "No, of course not. I'm sorry. You couldn't hit a target if it was only one foot away from you."

Gandalf, who understands that his honor has been insulted, protests again, "Well, perhaps it was I. I just don"t want to boast about having killed somebody."

"Stop arguing! Frodo"s dead!" Merry shouts, starting to cry.

"Come, my friend. We'll give him an honorable funeral. We"ll send him home on the river. What do you say? Shall we do that, eh?" Legolas asks, crouching beside Merry.

"Yes, he would've liked it."


Legolas, Merry and Gandalf watch in sorrow as Frodo slowly sails towards the waterfall.

"Yes, he would've liked it," Merry whispers.

"Where are Elrond, Gimli, Boromir and Gollum?" Legolas asks.

"I saw Gimli and Gollum sail away," tells Gandalf.

"What! You let them go!"

"Yes. I think that they"re going towards Mordor."

"Well, I guess that that is two people and a ring less to worry about. What about Elrond and Boromir?"

"I think I saw them being carried away by some Uruk-Hai, but I'm not sure," Gandalf answers.

"That's good. I never liked them," Legolas states happily, nodding.

"Legolas, have you forgotten that they were kidnapped and to be taken to possibly be tortured?" Merry raises an eyebrow.

"No, I just think that they can be a real pain in the ass sometimes," Legolas explains and looks after the boat. "Ah, well. I don't have anything better to do anyway," he sighs. "Shall we follow them and try to free them? After all, they're our pain in the ass, not the Uruk-Hai's. They should find their own."

"Yes, maybe we should. I could use some exercise," Merry answers and shrugs.

"Let me check my agenda... Yes I'm free, if I skip my tennis lesson on Thursday," Gandalf says.

"Let's hunt some orcs," Legolas says. Then, he smiles and starts to follow the beasts.

"Actually, they're Uruk-Hai!"


"Ouch, that stung. Thank the Valar that Bilbo gave me his mithril shirt."

"Where am I?"

"What"s that noise? It sounds like a waterfall."

"Shit."

With that, Frodo drops down the waterfall.


Reviews, please?