Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you!

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction. .

Give a big thanks to my beta The Lady of Mirkwood!


Aragorn...Gollum

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry


"I don't know why you're so grumpy. I mean, I come and help you to destroy the ring of power. Yet, when I try to lighten up the mood by suggesting that we play a game, you want to play, "Push Annoying, Bone-headed Jerk Down The Cliff Toward Certain, Painful Death". Even when I don't think that it sounds like any fun, you decide to play it without my permission. Those razor sharp rocks didn't seem very nice," Gimli complaints, pouting.

"We're sssso sssorry; maybe we can play another game. It'sss called "Ssqueezzze The Lassst, Living Breath Out Of Your Partner, And Then Pusssh Him Down The Cliff." Does that sssound fun?"

Gimli turns his nose up, "I don't know. I don't think that I want to play anything with you anymore. Maybe I don't like you."

"Good, then we aresss two..."

"What did you say? I didn't hear you."

"Nothing, nothing."

"Do you see what I mean? You're always turning me down. You never let me know you; I mean really know you. You just whisper with yourself. You never let me into your gang. I feel like an outsider. You can be very mean! When your friend's not here, you're all, 'We're best friends,' but then, when your snobby little friend comes, you'e all like, 'Get away, you git.' It hurts, man. It hurts. If you don't improve and start to appreciate me, you're going to lose me," Gimli whines.

"What sssnobby friend? It'sss only you and me," Gollum answers the accusations.

"The one with whom you're always whispering," Gimli explains. Then, his voice turns soft. "You know, I'm here for you. If you have problems, you can come to me and I will listen and offer you some comfort, good advice, handkerchiefs and chocolate."

"The one with whom we whisper is ourselvesss," Gollum responds. There's a brief silence. Gollum opens his mouth to say something, but interrupts himself.

"No, tell me. Go on; I'm here," Gimli pats Gollum's hand.

´"Keep hisss filthy handsss away from our cleansess," Gollum hisses, shaking Gimli's hands away from his. He then bends forward and whispers, "We're not alone."


Aragorn follows the sound of arguing.

"That doesn't sound like a nice game."

"It'sss really nice."

"No, I don't want to play it."

"Oh, well..."

There's a sound of something heavy falling down, and then, a sigh of relief.

"Five inches to the left and..."

"Damn it! Wasting ssssuch pretty rocks; they're praying to be hit by something flessshy!"

"Hey! You there! That wasn't nice."

There is a sound of something heavy crawling up.

"I don't know why you're so grumpy..."

Aragorn smiles slightly. So easy! Just a little further, two pushes, and then...

"There you are! What did you think that you were doing? Leaving me there with that...creature!"

Aragorn slowly closes his eyes. Not now. I'm so close. He turns around, facing this new danger. "Ah, Arwen, my love. What a... pleasant surprise!"

"Don't you Arwen me! You left me there with that hideous monster," Arwen hisses and bends forward putting her beautiful face close to Aragorn's. "Six meals. Six. Meals. Six meals. Six meals. Six meals. Do you understand? SIX FREAKING MEALS A DAY!"


"What do you mean we're not alone?" Gimli asks, confused. "Oh," he states, and leans backwards, crossing his arms and putting on a cold face. "He's here, isn't he? Your little friend."

"No! Lissstenss."

"...Do you understand? SIX FREAKING MEALS A DAY!"

Gollum and Gimli exchange glances and start, at the same time, to crawl towards the noise. Cautiously, they peek over the large rock to see Arwen bending over Aragorn, her dark-blue dress dirty, and torn.

"What were you thinking! And now-," Arwen accuses but cuts herself off. She turns her angry eyes to the rock behind which Gimli and Gollum are hiding. "You!" Gimli and Gollum point at themselves. "You," she repeats breathing heavily. Gimli and Gollum point with shaking fingers at each other, each silently pleading that Arwen isn't talking to him. "You," Arwen growls. She then strides toward them, takes them by their collars, and throws them beside Aragorn.

"You."

"Yes, ma´am?" Gimli whimpers.

"You imbeciles!" she shouts. "Have you any, ANY, idea of the thing through which I have been put?"

Aragorn opens his mouth and lifts a finger.

"No, you don't. You thoughtless men! You swines!" she interrupts. She starts to sob, "All men are jerks. Leaving me there...alone."

"Arwen, don't cry," Aragorn whispers and moves closer to her.

"I want my love," she cries out and buries her face in her hands.

"I'm here, my love. Don't cry," Aragorn soothes, and kisses her on her head.

Arwen looks at Aragorn with a disgusted face. She pushes him away. "How dare you?" she asks and rises. "How dare you? You slimy beast! Taking advantage of a helpless woman!" she asks and hits him on the head with her sword. "I'm taken, thank-you-very-much."

"Arwen, it's me: Aragorn; remember?"

"No you're not. You're Gollum."

Aragorn stands up, takes Arwen's hands, and looks into her eyes. "Arwen, my love: I know that I'm Gollum, but it's only a game. I'm still Aragorn. I'm just playing Gollum," he explains, stroking her hands.

Arwen eyes him, confused, "I don't understand."

"I understand,but you don't have to strain your pretty, little head," he says, patting her head.

"What? Do you mean that my head is going to get exhausted if I try to understand this game, that I'm not able to understand this because I have a small head, or that I'm so stupid, it's impossible for me to understand this?"

"Uh...what? Can you repeat the alternatives?" Aragorn asks weakly.

"Pssssst..." Gollum hisses.

Aragorn bends forward, after giving Arwen an apologetic smile. She glares at him.

"It"sss the third alternative," Gollum whispers helpfully.

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Thank you," Aragorn smiles, relieved.

"One other thing," Gollum hisses.

"What?"

"Not sure; It'sss ssssssure."

"Okay, thank you."

"Don't mention it. We'resss happy to help a friend," he answers with a shrug.

Aragorn looks romantically into Arwen's eyes, "My love, it's the third alternative."

"What?"

"Yes. The third. No need to shower me with kisses."

"Oh, I think you deserve at least one," Arwen says with blazing eyes.

"Yessss, give him at least five. Ssssuch a good boy," Gollum smiles evilly.

Slap

Slap

Slap

Slap

Slap

Aragorn touches his now red and throbbing cheek. "What was that for?"

"You swine! So I'm stupid, am I? Well Mr. Aragorn/Gollum, I'm leaving now. You're not my love. You're not my sweet Aragorn. I hate you!"

Aragorn stares at Arwen with an open mouth. After awhile he turns around to face Gollum. "You snake! You told me the wrong answer!"

Gimli and Gollum dry up their tears, "What's that? We didn't tell you that it wasss the right anssswer."

"I asked you if you were sure!"

"Yesss, that you did," Gollum answers, nodding. Gimli giggles and Gollum also starts to giggle. "The right answer: to get some asss-kicking!"

Aragorn glares at Gollum and is about to jump on him, but he sees that Arwen is going to leave. He snatches her into his arms and embraces her, "I'm so sorry. It was that wicked-"

"Wasssss," Gollum corrects.

"...wassss that wicked creature that made me say-"

"Sssay."

"...ssssay that horrible thing."

Arwen pushes him away from her, and takes hold of him by his collar. "You lying beast. You're not Aragorn. He would never, ever lie to me. He knows better."

"But honey-bunny, I'm Aragorn."

"Are you sure?" she asks weakly.

"Yes."

"You promise?"

"By my heart."

"You swear?"

"I swear."

"Pinkie swear?"

"I swear," Aragorn says, and he and Arwen hook their little fingers, and nod grievously.

"Now," Aragorn begins, "'how 'bout a kiss?"

Slap

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"How dare you lie to me, Aragorn, son Arathorn!" Arwen screams, her hand still raised.

"I lied! About what?"

"First, you told me that I was stupid, and then, you tell me that you lied!"

"Valar, give me strength!"

"As I said, Aragorn, you lied to me. You're no longer the man with whom I fell in love. You're no longer worthy of me. In fact, I'm going to find Legolas. He's supposed to be Aragorn; maybe he appreciates me," she explains to the shocked man. After walking a few steps, she turns around.

Smack.

Aragorn lies unconscious on the ground, while Arwen massages her right hand, "Ah, always wanted to do that. He'll probably follow me and stalk my precious little boyfriend Legolas and me..." she says and thinks. "Hey you guys!"

"Us?" Gollum and Gimli ask, taking a step back from the obviously insane elf.

"If you don't want to end up like him," she points with her thumb at Aragorn, "you'd better do as I tell you..."

The two partners glance at each other, "What ever you say, my lady."

Arwen grins.


"Wakey wakey, sleepy weepy," Gimli says and touches Aragorn's shoulder lightly.

"What?" he asks while looking around the area. "Where's Arwen? Why are my hands bound?" he asks in alarm.

"She didn't want you to stalk her, and... how did she say it? Oh yeah. 'He'd probably stalk my Snookie-wookie-tookie, booboo Legolas and me," Gimli answers with a grin.

"Snookie-wookie-tookie? That's my name!"

"She really calls you that? You really have a bunch of stupid names."

"Let me go! I have to follow her!"

"We can't do that. She ordered us to keep you with us," Gimli explains.

"No, you don't understand! I have to warn Legolas! When she's in that mood, she..." Aragorn tells. "She..." he tries. "She..." he tries again. "No, I can't say it. It's too horrible."

"Oh, well, it's not your headache. Come, let's go. Mount Doom will not get any closer by its own power," Gimli orders, yanks Aragorn off the ground, and drags him towards Mordor.

"May the Valar help you, Legolas, because none other can help you now. Maybe not even they can," Aragorn whispers and follows Gimli.


Legolas looks up from the ground, which he is examining. "Something's not right."

"Damn right! There's a nick in the blade after I hit that ugly Uruk-Hai!" Merry complains, and waves his axe.

"Which one?" Gandalf asks curiously.

"You know; that one."

"Oh, you mean the ugly..."

"Yes. It was really... you-know-what," Merry answers.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean how could it...you-know-what?"

"Say no more, say no more," Merry says, smiling slightly.

"What are you two talking about?" Legolas asks, interested.

"You know," Gandalf says. "That Uruk-Hai."

"No, I don't" Legolas says confused.

"What! Merry, can you believe this? He doesn't understand!" Gandalf shouts, throwing his arms up in disbelief.

"I know! I mean, how can you not know? I mean, hello!"

"Say no more, say no more. I mean, duh! How could you miss it?" Gandalf asks. When Legolas understands that this discussionabout how someone could miss that Uruk-Hai can continue for a long time, he interrupts.

"Do you want to know what I noticed?"

"Well, tell us, so that we can continue with the interesting discussion."

"Something's coming," Legolas answers and swallows hard. He could already hear steps coming toward them. "I don't think that we're going to survive."


Ok, let me know what you think of the Arwen thing. And let's see if you can guess what is coming towards Legolas, Merry and Gandalf. I think you can.