Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you!

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like to have a go being someone else. Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction. .

MY SUMMER HOLIDAY HAS STARTED! YEAH!

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to update sooner, I've been occupied with my friends and my summer work. I'm selling ice-cream. It's great! You should try it sometime...

I want to thank you all for your wonderful reviews! It's they that keep me writing! blows kisses

A big thanks to my beta, The Lady of Mirkwood!


Aragorn...Gollum

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry


"I don't think we're going to survive."

"What do you mean?" Merry asks.

"I mean that we won't be able to draw breath; our hearts won't be pumping blood in our body; we won't be able to walk and talk, that is if you're not intending to become a zombie; we won't-" Legolas explains.

"Wait, wait! I know what being dead means. I want to know, why we're not going to surviv-"

"Hello boys!"

The three hunters freeze in their movements and slowly turn around, only to see..

Arwen beams at them, showing her white teeth, "I've been looking for you!"

"Oh, joy," Legolas mumbles.

"Excuse me, what did you say?" Arwen smiles.

"Oh, what a joy," Legolas repeats loudly. "Not," he adds quietly.

"Oh, Legolas! You don't know how I've been missing you! What have you been doing, my Snookie-wookie-tookie?" Arwen asks flinging herself around Legolas's neck.

Gandalf and Merry exchange glances and start to snicker loudly.

"What!" Legolas shouts, blushing. He peels Arwen away from him. After placing her at a safe distant away from himself, he glares at the two snickering friends.

Gandalf pouts, "What? Don't be mad. We didn't mean any harm... Snookie-wookie-tookie." This time Merry and Gandalf don't stop at snickering, they roar with laughter.

"Oh, shut up!" Legolas commands.

"W-w-we'r-re s-so s-sor-r-ry... Snookie-wookie-tookie," Merry roars and almost drops to his knees.

Legolas blushes even more and glares at them.

"Oh, don't mind them. They wouldn't understand real love if cupid shot them in their little backsides," Arwen purrs and slaps Legolas on his bottom. With this, Legolas becomes a living beetroot.

"Please, woman!" Legolas pleads and pushes Arwen away from himself. "What are you doing here?"

"What I'm doing here? Well, isn't it obvious? I'm here for you, my love."

"What! Keep your hands away from me!" Legolas shouts and pushes Arwen, making her fall to the ground.

"Ouch," she complains and massages her sore backside. "Why did you do that for, my love?"

"Don't touch me! Don't even come near me!" Legolas demands. "Keep to Aragorn!"

"I don't like him anymore. He's such an asshole. He lied to me! I don't love him anymore. I thought that, because you're supposed to Aragorn, you have to be sweet and caring," Arwen says still sitting on the ground. "So, I thought for awhile, and I came to the conclusion that I love you."

"What!"

"Is something wrong with your hearing? You keep asking me 'what?' Has some bad boy screamed at you or hit your ear? If someone did that, don't you worry; I will kick his ass," Arwen says, standing up and glaring at the still laughing Merry and Gandalf. The two wisely shut up.

Gandalf lifts his hands up in defense, "Don't look at me; I haven't done anything." After saying this, he points accusingly at Merry and mouths "He, not me, he".

Arwen frowns and glares angrily at Merry, balling her fists.

"I promise, Miss Arwen, nothing has happened to the love of your life. We have protected him all the way from Rivendell," Merry assures, stepping a step back from Arwen's intense glare. Arwen lifts a warning finger and presses her mouth to a thin line. Merry and Gandalf understand her silent warning and quietly promise to be Legolas's bodyguards from now, on.

Arwen turns back to Legolas and smiles warmly. "Snookie, why don't we leave these gentlemen, and take a walk alone; totally alone," she says, smiling.

"Gulp," Legolas swallows.

Merry and Gandalf starts snickering again.

Arwen smiles warmly. "I've missed you so much," she says and throws her arms around Legolas.

"Chan't brath," Legolas breathes.

"What did you say, my love?" Arwen asks, pressing him more tightly.

"Han't bryth."

"What?" Arwen asks mildly.

"Umm, I think he says that he can't breath," Merry says, having stopped snickering for a moment.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought that you missed me so much that you wanted a big hug," Arwen apologises and lets him go.

Legolas takes deep breaths, and when he has gathered his strength, he pushes Arwen away from him, "Geez, woman. I don't like you; not even in the slightest. Don't you understand that already? I've known you for as long as I can remember, and I regret almost every moment."

"So, you don't love me?" Arwen asks, after landing on the ground.

"NO!"

Arwen bursts into tears. Merry and Gandalf immediately stop snickering at Legolas's bad fortune and become serious.

"Well, that wasn't very nice. Or was it Merry?"

"No, that wasn't nice at all," Merry answers Gandalf's question.

"Indeed, it wasn't," Gandalf says. "This makes me wish that I had-"

"- Gimli's frying-pan with me. Yes, I know the feeling," Merry ends Gandalf's sentence. He and Gandalf place their hands on their hips and shake their heads simultaneously.

"Now, dear lad-" Merry begins.

"- apologize to the nice lady," Gandalf ends.

Legolas frowns. "No, I won't."

Merry and Gandalf stare at him accusingly.

"She started it!"

The two friends look at him like two parents would look at a disobedient child.

"She provoked me!"

Merry and Gandalf shake their heads in disappointment.

"She had it coming, right?"

"Dear lad, you're a hundred years older than she. Shouldn't-" Merry starts.

"- you act like you're a hundred years older?" Gandalf ends.

Legolas crosses his arms and pouts angrily.

"You know, the one that ends-"

"- is the smartest."

Legolas glares at them and then at the crying Arwen. He shakes his head, "Alright then. But only if I'm smarter than she."

"Yes, you are," Merry assures.

Legolas sighs and then walks over to Arwen. He stands beside her; looking up at the sky, with his arms crossed. "I'msorrycanyouforgiveme?"

Arwen dries her tears away and flashes him a smile, and then throws herself around him. "Of course I forgive you! I couldn't be angry at you!" She smiles gratefully at Gandalf and Merry, who stands behind Legolas's back. "Can I come with you?"

Legolas, yet again, peels her away from him and is going to answer her in a not-nice way, but Gandalf and Merry run hastily around the two elves, so that they stand behind Arwen's back. They glare at Legolas, warning him from saying anything nasty. Legolas shuts his mouth.

"It will be dangerous," he answers, after a moment's silence.

"I can fight."

"There won't be much rest."

"If you three don't need to rest, I won't need to rest."

"You won't be able to wash yourself."

Arwen presses her lips tightly shut and almost starts to panic at the thought of not washing once a day.

"I'll manage," she says reluctantly.

"It'll be hard to run in that dress..."

"I can rip it away..."

"..." Legolas says.

"I was just kidding."

Legolas thinks hard about something that will make her return to her home. "You will not see your home in a long time."

Arwen steps backwards and looks into Legolas's eyes. "You're right. You're absolutely right," she says weakly. "I'm definitely-"

"- not coming," Legolas ends with a sigh of relief.

"No. I was saying coming. I'm definitely coming. I'm not going to see Pippin in a long time," she says happily. "No more six meals a day..." she says to herself.

Legolas looks pleadingly at Gandalf, but he only smiles. "Alright, you can come. But," Legolas says, lifting a finger. "You will not, in any circumstance, touch me, unless I give you permission."

Arwen releases him immediately and steps backwards, "Of course; as you wish."

"Good. Now, let's go," Legolas instructs and starts to walk away.

"Don't you worry, Miss Arwen. He loves you. He just... hasn't realised it yet-" Merry claps Arwen on her back.

"- but if you try hard enough, he will realise what a fool he has been," Gandalf ends, and squeezes her shoulder.

"Do you really think so?"

"We're sure-," Merry says smiling.

Arwen sighs happily and hops happily away after Legolas.

"- we'll have many good laughs," Gandalf smiles evilly.


"I see riders," Arwen says, peering into the distance.

"How many are there?" Gandalf asks, taking his bow into his hands.

"I correct myself. I see good riders; maybe twenty or thirty."

"Let's wait for them and ask them if they have seen our friends," Legolas says, sitting down beside a rock.

"Pains in the ass," Merry corrects.

"What?"

"If I remember it correctly, you called them "pains in the ass"."

"Yes, I did, didn't I?" Legolas chuckles.

"Yes, you did."

"You called them 'our pains in the ass-'" Gandalf says.

"- and said that the Uruk-Hai, 'should find their own'," Merry ends.

Legolas chuckles at his own joke.

Not much later the riders approach the four hunters.

Legolas stands up, lifting a finger, "Excuse me, but-" The first rider rides past him, not noticing him. Legolas lowers his finger and shakes his head in confusion. Then, he makes a new try. "Excuse me-" Still, the riders don't notice him. He growls in annoyance. "Hey, imbeciles!"

The riders, like almost everyone on earth, don't like insults, especially against their intelligence. They turn around and surround the four friends, pointing their spears against them.

"Well, good job. Now you made them angry," Merry growls.

"Another brilliant job has been done by Legolas," Gandalf growls.

"Don't you dare insult him!" Arwen defends. "You have to admit that he caught their attention."

"Yeah, and now we're at the wrong ends of the spears."

"Don't be so negative," Arwen says.

"Who are you, oh Four Strangers? Don't you know that you have to have permission from the king to walk in this country?" a rider, who has stepped down from his horse, asks.

"If you walk on your hands, is it illegal?" Merry asks.

The rider peers at him from behind his helmet. "Let me rephrase that-"

"Yes, that would be nice," Merry interrupts.

The rider glares at him, "You need the permission of the king to touch this country-"

"If you ride a horse through the whole country, never touching the land, yourself, does that count as touching the land?"

"Yes, it does," the rider snaps in annoyance.

"Well, I wonder-" Merry starts.

"If you don't shut up now, dwar... human... child, I will be forced to... shave your feet. Valar! They are so hairy! Don't you ever have a pedicure!"

Merry pales at the insult of his feet.

"Don't you ever-" Gandalf says putting an arrow on his bow, "- ever insult his feet." Gandalf aims at the rider. The other riders press their spears forward even more, making them dig into the four hunters.

"Don't worry, Rider of Mystery. He couldn't even hit a Balrog-" Legolas assures.

"Yes, I did! I hit it in Moria! Don't you remember!"

"Shut up," Legolas hisses from the corner of his mouth. "As I was saying," he flashes a smile at the rider. "He isn't a threat; he just overreacted. He was only kidding, weren't you, Gandalf?"

"Yeah, yeah," Gandalf mumbles, putting down the bow. He bends down and pats Merry's head. "Don't be sad. He is only jealous of your feet."

With tears in his eyes, Merry looks up at him. "Do you think so?" he asks hopefully.

"Umm... yeah. They're really, really, really cute."

"Yeah, you're probably right. Back home, they say I have a model's feet," Merry says proudly and looks at his feet. He wriggles his toes.

"I'm sure they do."

"Tell me, Four Strangers, who are you?"

"I'm Legolas, this is Arwen-" Legolas tells.

"A pleasure to meet you," says a smiling Arwen, curtseying.

"Ummm..." the rider says and stares at her.

Legolas glares and steps in front of her, blocking the rider's view of her. "This is Merry," Legolas says, leaning to the right, following the rider's movement, "and this is Gandalf," he continues, while still attempting to follow the movement. Arwen blushes at the attention she gets from the rider. "Now it's your turn to tell us your name," Legolas says, putting a hand on the rider's shoulder and straightening him.

"Umm, what did you say?" he asks, trying to peer over Legolas's shoulder.

"Your name is...?" Legolas says, standing on his toes, making him as tall as he can.

"Eomer," he answers.

"We're looking for our two pai-... friends. They've been taken by a band of Uruk-Hai," Legolas tells Eomer, leaning to the left. "Have you seen them?"

"Are they friends of the beautiful lady, there, behind your back?" Eomer inquires.

"Yes," Arwen answers.

Eomer, for once, stands still and looks sombrely into Legolas's eyes. "I'm afraid we met the Uruk-Hai yesterday."

"Did you see two hobbits with them?" Legolas asks.

"Hobbits?"

"Umm, one of them looks like a man and the other looks like an elf," Legolas explains.

"I'm afraid that, if one of my soldiers saw them, they're dead. We killed every living thing that travelled with the Uruk-Hai. We burned the bodies. I'm sorry," Eomer places a hand on Legolas's shoulder.

Legolas looks numbly into Eomer's eyes. After a while, he shrugs and says, "Ah, that's a shame, but, no worries."

"You told me that they are your friends. Aren't you mad at us, or sad, or something?"

"Not really. They weren't that good," Legolas explains and turns around, facing his companions. "Well, there's no point in our following them. We can head home."

"No, we can't. Boromir has my carrot. I want my carrot back," Merry pouts.

"Did you say he has something that belongs to you?" Eomer asks. "I hate it when people borrow things and don't return them. Here, take these horses. May they carry you to your carrot," Eomer says, offering three horses to the four riders.

"Not that I'm ungrateful, but we're four and that is only three horses."

"I was only going to give you two horses, but a lovely woman like she can't possibly share a horse with one of you three. She needs a real man, like me," Eomer explains.

"We thank you," Arwen says, blushing.

"Yeah, yeah," Legolas growls. "Let's go and find Merry's carrot."

The four friends mount the three horses, making Merry share Gandalf's horse.

"Remember, I only lend them to you. I want them back," Eomer says.

"We'll bring them back," Arwen assures.

"When you say it, I believe it, my lady," Eomer says bowing.

"Let's go," Legolas orders and gallops away, the others following.

"Umm, sir," a rider says to Eomer.

"What?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but you don't have a horse."

"Yes, I know."

"Well, what are you going to ride?"

"I'm going to ride your horse," Eomer states.

"You're going to share my horse with me, you mean?"

"No," Eomer says and drags the rider off of his horse. "I'm going to ride your horse," he says while mounting the animal. "You're.. going to walk. We ride now!" Eomer commands and the riders ride away, leaving the lone man standing there, watching his friends ride away.

"I knew I should've kept my mouth shut. Note to self: Never ever ask Eomer if he wants to share my horse. I should've remembered that he stole my hobbyhorse ten years ago," the man muttered to himself. He glares at the retreating back of Eomer, "I want my hobbyhorse back!"


Well? Would it be possible to get a few reviews, please?