Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you!
Summary: Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!
Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction
ATTENTION READERS! I want to apologise to Laureline! She gave me the idea that Arwen should turn up! The idea isn't mine! The idea came from Laureline! Thank you Laureline! I apologise! I have two times forgot to mention that it was your idea, I apologise and thank you for the idea.
My beta reader hasn't read this chapter, so I apologise for every spelling and grammar error!
Aragorn...Gollum
Boromir...Pippin
Pippin...Elrond
Merry...Gimli
Sam...Gandalf
Frodo...Boromir
Legolas...Aragorn
Gimli...Sam
Gandalf...Legolas
Gollum...Frodo
Elrond...Merry
"Elrond? Elrond? Are you awake?" Boromir asks. Since he and Elrond were captured by the Uruk-Hai, they have been riding on the beasts' back, with their arms tied together before the Uruk-hai's faces. This isn't the most comfortable way of travelling and because of that Elrond got a little blackout...
A day before
"Excuse me, Mr. Beast?" Elrond says knocking lightly on the Uruk-Hai's chest.
"Snarl!" it answers angrily.
"Excuse me! That wasn't very polite!"
"Snarl."
"Oh, now I'm offended. Well anyway, I was just wondering if we could stop and you could, like, shave your back," Elrond wonders.
"Snarl!" the Uruk-Hai states, both surprised and shocked.
"And while we're at it, could you stop jumping and swinging while you're running? I'm getting sea-sick."
"Snarl snarl snarl."
"I understand that the hair on your back is your pride and that your future mate will be checking it, but if this is the service I'm getting on this trip I can assure you I won't be using your services again. And I will tell all my friends and my family about you."
"SNARL!"
"Now that was very rude! I will complain to your boss! You won't be getting any job in this industry. I demand that you take me to your superior!" Elrond demands shouting while he bangs his fists on the chest of the Uruk-Hai. The beast frowns and starts to run towards the boss.
"Snarl?"
"Snarl?"
"Snarl snarl snarl snarl snarl," the Uruk-Hai, carrying Elrond, explains to the boss.
"I most certainly did not! This is a scandal, Mr. Uruk-Hai Boss! This creature has not only insulted me, he has also threatened me. You heard it yourself! And I certainly did not tear away hair from his back!" Elrond accuses and explains.
"Snarl," the beast, that is carrying Elrond, mumbles.
"Oh! Well, snarl on yourself."
The two Uruk-Hai pale at Elrond's harsh word.
"Snarl!" the Uruk-Hai that carries Elrond pleads.
"Snarl," the leader answers, nodding.
"Snarl," it thanks and watches as the leader raises his sword.
"I'll say! This is a scandal! You wait until I get home! I'm going to sue your sorry asses, you-!" Before Elrond can finish the line, the leader brings the hilt down upon his head, making him faint.
"Elrond!" Boromir yells and finally gets respond.
"Ouch. That hurt."
"You stupid... hobbit! Why did you do that? Why?" Boromir screams.
"Ouch. Don't scream, I have a headache. And stop kicking me!" Elrond orders and kicks back.
"Sorry."
"Now, what do you want?" Elrond asks, while he closes his eyes.
"Why, oh why, did you go and complain?"
"What! You can't possibly be enjoying this!"
"No, I don't. But I don't go and complain to the Uruk-Hai that its back is hairy and that its walkingstyle makes me nauseous."
"Well, it did. It does," Elrond defences, looking a little ashamed.
"And has it changed, now that you have complained?" Boromir asks glaring at Elrond.
"No."
"What did you say? I didn't hear."
"No."
"I still can't hear you."
"NO!"
"Good. Suited you right, being hit down when you did something so dumb. No wonder you got caught by the Uruk-Hai," Boromir says nodding satisfied.
"Excuse me, Mr. You're-so-stupid-that-you-got-caught-by-the-Uruk-Hai, but if you're so smart. What are you doing here?"
"I'm here by free will."
"Right. Sure you are," Elrond says sceptically.
"I am!"
"I believe you. How could I doubt you?"
"I'm telling the truth!"
"Of course you are. Why would someone not want to be kidnapped by a band of Uruk-hai? It's such a delighting experience," Elrond states cheerfully, smiling broadly.
"I came here by free will to help you. You just can't take care of yourself. Just look at what you did!" Boromir says motioning at the lead Uruk-Hai.
"And how's it going? Tell me, how are you planing to help me, oh helpful one?"
"Well... I'm... You know-"
"No I don't know. Please do tell me, smart-one," Elrond taunts and narrows his eyes.
"Um... Eh..."
"Snarl!" the leader Uruk-Hai shouts and everyone stops.
"Well-" Boromir begins, but is cut off when the Uruk-Hai drops him down. Beside him Elrond is also lowered to the ground.
"Snarl!" one of the Uruk-Hai commands.
"Oh, what a pity! We're not allowed to talk. I'm very sorry, but I can't tell you how I'm going to help you," Boromir says regretfully and shakes his head.
"Yes. I'm sure you're really sorry," Elrond answers in a monotonous voice.
"Snarl!"
"Alright, alright! I'll shut up," Elrond says aloud. "Hairy beast," he then adds quietly.
"Snarl?" the Uruk-Hai asks.
"Umm... Fairy feast?"
The Uruk-Hai looks at him in a way that says 'why are you not in a mental- hospital' and then stalks away. It watches as one of the Orcs, that have along the way joined the Uruk-Hai band, walk over to the Uruk-Hai leader and knocks it, not so gently, on the shoulder-blades.
"Excuse me, but do you recall our bet?" the Orc asks, while it peers at the Uruk-Hai.
"Snarl?" the leader answers.
"About the captives?"
"Snarl?"
"Oh, you know. I said that one of them is going to complain about the hairy back and that it's getting nauseous. Ring a bell?"
The Uruk-Hai nods, its attention on the Orc.
"And you said that if they do that, me and my mates will get what ever we wanted to eat. And as you recall one of the captives did complain and now, I want my price."
"Snarl?" the Uruk-Hai, asks angrily. He isn't known for being a good looser. The other Uruk-Hai slowly backs away looking at anything else than their leader. Some of them even try to whistle.
"We want meat!" the Orc demands.
The Uruk-Hai looks around and then takes up his sword and decapitates an Orc, "Snarl?"
The Orc watches numbly as his mate dies and then shrugs, "Let's eat."
The Orcs lounge at their dead friend and eat him up. The same Orc that talked for a minute ago looks up at the taller Uruk-Hai, "I thank you, but we didn't want to eat him. Orcflesh tastes... icky. We want to taste at the captives."
The Uruk-Hai once again raises his sword, "No-one touches them. They are being taken to our master and he told us that they must be unspoiled."
"Hey, why don't you snarl?" Elrond questions.
"Have you ever snarled a whole day? It really irritates the throat. I need throat pastille. Can someone hand me one? Thank you. The snarl thing is only for show. Everyone thinks that just because you are big and have a hairy back, you are some kind of a monster. And it is kind of funny to see how people react when we start to talk normally. You should have seen your faces! They were hilarious!" the Uruk-Hai says and laughs delicately, "hihihihi..." It looks at the stunned faces of Elrond and Boromir and then turns over to the Orc, "Now where we're we? Ah, yes. No, you have to find something else to eat." The Uruk-Hai peers into the night, "May I suggest a tasty human."
"Oh, and you suppose we'll find humans here?" the Orc grumps.
"Yes, in fact. I'm seeing thirty right now."
"What?" the Orc turns around and jumps to the left, avoiding an arrow. The battle has begun.
Boromir looks at the fallen sword and smiles. He cuts off his bonds and then helps Elrond.
"I told you I had a plan."
"Yeah," Elrond says. "You just knew that thirty humans were going to barge in and start a battle."
"Yes, in fact I did. It was my plan-"
"Please scream, make my day," the Orc whispers into Boromir's ear and presses the bladeat the man's throat. "Now, my lovely ones, we're going for a walk." It grabs Boromir and Elrond by their collars and drags them away to the edge of the wood, where it stops and stands with its back against the battlefield. The Orc looks at the two friend's faces and smiles.
Elrond looks back at the battle. "Look out!" he screams to the Orc.
"Oh, my pretty one. I know that trick. You want me to turn around an-." An arrow flies and hits the Orc, which drops Elrond and Boromir to the ground. Not loosing any time, they sprint into the woods.
"Haha, sucker!" Elrond screams to the Orc when they are at a safe distance.
"Why did you do that?" Boromir asks, while running.
"What?"
"You warned it. Why?"
"Well, I couldn't just do nothing."
"And why! What if he believed you and had ducked?"
"I have done my good deed of the day. Same thing can't be said by you," Elrond says, without stopping.
"I saved you, remember? Without me you would've been alone with the Uruk- Hai."
"Right."
"Without me the men wouldn't have come!" Boromir insists.
"Right. You probably used telepathy."
"I-" Boromir begins but is interrupted when he bumps into a tree, which hadn't stood there a few seconds ago.
"T h a t w a s n ' t v e r y n i c e , b u m p i n g i n t o m e . N o w i n g o o d m a n n e r , y o u s h o u l d a p o l o g i s e ," the thing that he bumped into says slowly.
"What?" Boromir looks up. He looks at this tree, but the tree talks. "What are you?"
"T h a t w a s n ' t w h a t y o u s h o u l d h a v e s a i d . B u t b e c a u se I w a s r a i s e d i n a g o o d h o m e , I s h a l l a n s w e r y o u r q u e s t i o n : I a m a n E n t . Y o u c a n c a l l m e T r e e b e a r d ," Treebeard answers. "N o w ca n y o u a p o l o g i s e ?"
"What is an Ent?" Boromir asks.
"H m m m . . . T h a t w a s r u d e . B u t b e c a u s e I w a s r a i s e d i n a g o o d h o m e I w i l l a n s w e r y o u : I t ' s a t r e e h e r d . N o w c a n y o u a p o l o g i s e ?"
"Treeherd?"
"H a v e y o u n o m a n n e r s ! H m m . . . I w i l l n o t s a y a w o r d u n t i l t h e w h i t e w i z a r d h a s t a u g h t y ou a v al u a b l e l e s s o n i n m a n n e r s ," Treebeard decides and picks Boromir and Elrond up.
At the same time at the battlefield
"Hmm, this is strange," Eomer says and stares at the fire.
"What is?" his friend asks.
"I don't really know. I just had this strange feeling that someone called for help, in my mind..."
The day after
"I can't use a bow... I can't hit anything... Not even a Balrog..." Gandalf mumbles angrily. "We'll see. I will show him." He puts an arrow at bow and fires it, hastily he fires another arrow. He hears a high scream and looks down the hill to see if the arrows hit. He looks down and stands still.
Arwen rides past him, mumbling, "Must get help. I must get Eomer."
Gandalf looks at Legolas and Merry. He looks at the arrows sticking out from their bodies.
"Ha! I TOLD YOU I CAN HIT MY TARGET!"
