Title: Old Friends, New Relationships

Chapter Eight

By: LizD

Written: Late Summer/Fall 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

Old Friends, New Relationships

Chapter Eight - Not All Doors Are Locked

Madden Residence

Gates' Bedroom

"Gates – your guard dog is gone, I saw him drive away … Let me in … Damn It LET ME IN! … You will talk to me, Gates … Just who the hell do you think you are?… GET OVER HERE … Do you think you can just drop me … drop me from your life like I am nothing … like what we had was NOTHING! … I won't put the gun down … NO … Do you think I would shoot you? …I won't shoot you … NO!"

Gates jerked to consciousness. She tried to sit up, but her muscles would not respond. All she could see was the ceiling; the tiles were spinning. She shut her eyes tight to block out the images, but then the voice took over the safety of the darkness.

"Shut UP! … SHUT UP! … You will have to listen to me … I am not going to let you ignore me … I am not one of your psycho agents … SHUT UP … I AM DOING THE TALKING … I am not dirt under you finger nails … I won't let you get rid of me so easily … You aren't going to get a away with this … SHUT UP … JUST SHUT UP … I am sick to death of all you shrinks and your psychobabble … your psychobabble and your medications… you are the ones that are crazy, not me … well I showed you, didn't I? … I dumped the meds down the toilet… all of them … STOP … STAND STILL … I am not going to hurt you … SHUT UP! … Damn it Gates, don't make me do something you'll regret!"

Gates rolled over pulling the pillow closely to her chest. Her shoulder still had a dull ache from where she had been slammed against the wall. She rolled to the other side taking the pillow with her pretending the pain in her other side was not so bad either. She was dizzy and sick and tired … so very, very tired. She didn't have the strength to fight them, not again, not tonight. There was no staving off the onslaught of the memories – not in her weakened condition.

"I am not going to hurt you! … I am not leaving … yeah, I stopped taken all those drugs … they were killing me – making me CRAZY … making me forget … I couldn't think straight … Now I am clean and sober, just like you … thinking clearly… HEY … GET BACK HERE … you aren't calling anyone ... PUT THE DAMN PHONE DOWN … Who do you think you're going to call, huh? … The men in the white coats? … Janet?… she doesn't care … she threw me out … THE EMT's? Are you kidding? … I DON'T NEED TO RELAX … I AM TOTALLY RELAXED … It is you … YOU that needs to relax. … stop … Stop … STOP … SHUT UP, just shut the hell up … You took my life from me, you bitch … you turned my wife against me … SHUT UP … STOP … GET OVER HERE ... STAND STILL … STOP … Do you think I am going to let some little cunt like you ruin my life? … NO … No, I won't allow it … STOP … SHUT UP … DON'T FIGHT ME … you aren't going anywhere…. Damn it – don't make me hurt you … don't make me KILL you!"

Gates tossed the pillow across the room. She tried to get up, but ended up on the floor. Caught between the wall and her bed, too weak to help herself, she was trapped. She was forced to hear – to relive what she was so desperately trying to forget.

"I won't hurt you, Gates … I won't kill you … I won't ever turn my back on you … You were my wife …you loved me … you promised to love me 'til death … we are bonded through eternity … connected … we are one … Janet? … Ha, Janet never understood … Janet will never understand … the only thing Janet loves is that uniform … the fool … all those medals and ribbons won't keep her warm at night, that I know for a fact … that's what Janet will never understand … that's what made her crazy … Janet never loved me the way you did … stop … stop struggling ... sit down … don't say another word … Shhhh … honey, shhh … Shhh, baby."

The cooing of his voice still sent a shiver down her spine. She remembered that cooing from when they first met, it had sent a shiver of desire, uncontrollable desire. The way he spoke to her, the way he looked at her, the way he touched her – in the beginning – was so intense, so intoxicating, so erotic. He charmed her with that cooing. The other night, when he used that voice, it sent a shiver down her spine again, only it was a shiver of disgust. She pulled the comforter off the bed and wrapped it tightly around her.

"Do you remember … do you remember how it was between us … do you remember New York? … The weekend in Atlantic City … the mornings we stayed in bed … champagne and orange juice and breakfast ala mattress… it can be like that again … better … stop … you are so beautiful, baby ... God you smell so good… I have missed you … so much … I ache for you ... I won't hurt you, baby … sure I'll put it down, sure … I don't need it, I never needed it … it wasn't for you baby, it was for your guard dog … I could never hurt you, would never hurt you … 'no' what? 'don't' what?… you don't mean that ... your skin is so soft ... I used to dream about just touching you ... we were so good together … we can get back all we lost … it could be better than it was… better … we had it all ... remember ... remember ... remember ... we had it all baby… we can have it again … you know we can … shhhh … I am the only man you ever loved … say it… say you love me … tell me you love me … tell me that I am the only man you ever loved ... you ever wanted … no one …no one gave it to you the way I did … tell me … say it … SAY IT!"

Gates hit the wall with her fist and let out a weak cry. She was safe, it was days later and Glenn was in the hospital, but it was like it was happening all over again. She fought hard against the desires to hate, to loathe, to despise. She wanted to hate him, but she could not reconcile in her head how he was that night and the man she thought she knew.

"Stop crying … you love me … say you love me … you told me you would love me forever … this is what you want … what you have been waiting for … Gates? … Honey? ... Don't cry, baby ... I didn't hurt you… Gates? … Gates? … baby? … Oh God, what am I doing? … what am I doing? … I'm sorry … Oh, God, I am sorry … so sorry …I love you … I didn't want to hurt you … you made me do it … this is what you wanted … you wanted me to … oh, God, I am sorry … I am so sorry … Gates, I love you."

Gates pulled herself from her memories with Glenn's words – harsh, tender, desperate – and the sounds of his sobbing still ringing in her ears. How many times could she relive that scene? How had it all gotten so out of control so quickly? She wanted to hate Glenn, but she couldn't. He was a sick man, a very sick man who needed her help and her understanding. But how could she possibly give it to him now?

She crawled back up on the bed and dug herself in under the down quilt. Safe and warm in the darkness, Gates broke down – broke down completely. She let herself feel all of it – ALL OF IT. The sobbing, the weeping, the gut wrenching cries came from a place that she rarely let loose and never in the light of day. She quite literally cried herself to sleep.

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Madden Residence

Gates eased her way down the stairs cursing each and every step under her breath. How she hated those stairs, even on her good days. Her hair was slicked back still wet from the shower and she wore her favorite pair of sweats with YALE across the chest – a gift from an agent who she 'saved' and sent back for a PhD. She made her way to the kitchen in need of water, coffee and aspirin – in mass quantities and in any order.

Gates would – on occasion – resort to this type of one-night binge drinking. It never lasted more than one night and more often than not ended with her head in the toilet. It was self-indulgent self-pity that was inflicted on no one but herself. She was OK with that. Usually it was Vodka or wine (Champagne was her favorite) and would typically not take her too much time to recover the next day. This time was worse. The Jack Daniels did her in. Damn Jack. Praise Jack. He did his job. Reality – too much reality – was blurred out for just a little while (her main goal).

However, the part of this whole ritual that Gates had forgotten (and always did forget) was the waking up still drunk part. Gates hardly ever slept through the night as it was, but with alcohol in her, she would not make it past 2AM. Her usual middle of the night anxieties were enough to keep her awake for an hour or so, but with alcohol mixed in there was no getting back to sleep – at least not a restful sleep. So what she hoped she would forget; became super real in her mind. Everything seemed so much worse in the middle of the night, so hopeless. In her case there was not much lower she could go from reality, but she found a way.

When she woke that morning it was to Glenn's words, Glenn's slurs, Glenn's violence, Glenn's protestations of love and remorse. It was crashing down on her, over and over and over. She could not force it away. Weakened by the alcohol she finally allowed herself to cry – to remember and cry. The Jack had not blurred it enough, in fact it made the edges that much sharper. "OK, Ok, enough already …I yield, I yield." That was when she forced herself from her bed to the bathroom. She needed to void her self of so much more that the whiskey and the twizzlers, but whatever was in her stomach was all she had control over.

She passed by the living room but did not notice Harm. Sleep finally took him around 0300 or 0330. He hadn't heard her, not that he would have done anything if he had. What could he have done? If what happened to her was what he thought happened to her, she would not turn to another man for comfort; even a friend and especially not a boyfriend of a friend that she didn't like to begin with. But Harm was there to make sure no outside demons could get to her.

When the refrigerator door opened, both Moose and Kibbix were up. Kibbix jumped down silently from Harm's lap, but Moose leapt from Harm's chest to the middle of the living room floor. The thump could be heard blocks away.

"Ugh." Harm grunted in his sleep.

Gates looked into the living room and tried to focus on the couch. It seemed normal, but there was something different. She squinted her eyes enough to see that there was a man on the couch. 'Who is that?' She thought. Her mind flooded with possibilities. Her first thought was Glenn, but she quickly forced herself not to think that. Then maybe AJ or Victor, but she honestly didn't remember seeing either one of them after she got home. They both had called – a couple of times, as did Gibbs, but she didn't speak to any of them.

She tried to focus; she tried to remember what happened. The memories would not come through all the fuzz and buzz in her head. She studied the form on the couch. He was in uniform and it looked Navy. She could not see or recognize anything else. Moose slammed up against her leg, she lost her balance and dropped the coffee can on the floor. The man on the couch sat up quickly.

"Gates?" He called looking around.

It was Rabb. Gates had absolutely no recollection of him from the night before. "Yeah." She answered back.

"What time is it?" He strained to see his watch.

"Not a clue."

"How are you feeling?" He rubbed his eyes.

"Terrific."

"Got a little headache?" He tried to be cute.

She was finally annoyed enough to take control of it. "What are you doing here, Rabb?" The volume of her voice sent throbbing pain through her head. She leaned back against the counter.

"Keeping an eye on you."

"Didn't do a very good job." She said under her breath.

He came over to the counter. He saw how unsteady she was. "Sit down, I'll make the coffee."

"Did something happen that I am not aware of?"

"Like what?" He picked up the coffee can from the floor.

"When did you get appointed my babysitter?"

"Come on, sit down before you fall down." He said gently turning his attention to the coffee.

"I can fall down, Harm." She barked at him a little too loudly and sent a fresh wave of pounding through her head. She recovered enough to pull herself over to one of the chairs and sat down. "I can fall down." She repeated more softly. "And I don't need anyone to pick me up."

"You are a real tough one, aren't you?" He pulled a bottle of water from the refrigerator and grabbed a glass from the sink.

"I can take care of myself."

"Facts not in evidence." He regretted that as soon as the words were out.

"Go to hell." She spat at him.

"Where's the aspirin?" He placed the water and glass in front of her on the table.

"Purse." She nodded toward her bag that was hanging on the back of the door.

He handed her the purse without digging around it in for the aspirin. "Can you eat?"

"Oh, please." She swallowed hard. "If you are trying to kill me, shoot me."

"Not my MO." He said quickly and regretted that too. "You need something to eat."

"Got to give me a couple of hours."

"Toast?" He opened the refrigerator. "Of course there is no bread."

"Just the coffee." She squeaked out. "How about a Diet Coke."

"Water."

"How about a little hair of the dog?"

"That's a plan." The coffee was ready and he poured her a cup. "Cream? Sugar?"

"Black." She was rubbing at her temples.

Harm poured himself a cup and joined her at the table.

She took a guarded sip. "Wow … didn't know my coffee maker made espresso."

He smiled and shook his head. "You have got to have an opinion about everything."

She took another sip. "I really don't care who wins the election in November."

"Terrific."

"Didn't say I wasn't gonna vote, I just don't care who is gong to win."

Harm leaned back in his chair and studied her for a moment.

"What?" She was confused.

"Small talk?" He asked. "We are really going to make small talk?"

"Not up for much more at the moment."

"I want to help you, Gates." He blurted out.

"Help me what? Stay awake for a week? This coffee is sure gonna do that."

He chuckled at the wall she had put up and shook his head.

"I don't need your help." She stated. "I have AJ." The problem with AJ was that he really didn't believe her. Didn't believe that it was an accident. Gates knew that. AJ knew that she knew and Harm knew that AJ didn't believe her.

"AJ is a good lawyer." Harm confirmed.

"Very good." She echoed like she knew or was at least trying to convince herself that she knew.

"He is a little out of practice defending a client on an attempted murder charge."

"Where as you …"

"Where as I have more current experience."

"I see." She switched to water. "Ambulance chaser." She said loud enough for him to hear.

He shrugged and smiled.

"Let's see how this thing plays out." She leaned back. "If I need to appeal, I'll consider your offer."

"I would hope that it wouldn't get that far."

"I was hoping that we could avoid a trial all together." She offered.

"Too late for that, I think."

She nodded. "Yeah, well Glenn needs to change his story … to the truth."

"Is it?" He took his opening quickly. "The truth I mean."

"You think I shot him? You think I tried to kill him?" She laughed. "Funny, most lawyers don't want guilty clients."

"Guilt is not a black and white issue. There are extenuating circumstances." He said with his usual cock sure attitude that tipped his hand.

She studied him for a moment. "You think you know something."

He shook his head.

"Mac told you that it was an accident."

"Yes, she did."

"As did AJ."

Harm nodded.

"What is it you THINK you know?" She burst out at him. She was not in good enough form for this cat and mouse game.

"I know something happened here the other night. I know that Schnarr broke into your house with a gun and that in my mind means that whatever happened after that … how the gun went off – accidentally or otherwise … there was no premeditation on your part."

"Where did you get your information?"

"Look around this place." He waved his hands. "It is your house. He had no business being here. It looks like there was quite a struggle, the door is broken, and I don't think you are the type to keep a weapon – registered or not – in the house."

"His story refutes all of that." She leaned back. "You don't believe him."

"No." It was a simple honest statement.

"Have you ever met the man?"

"No."

"So you have no reason to believe that he would lie."

"I have more reason to think that you were the victim not the perpetrator."

She paused for a moment, anger crawling up her spine. "What did Mac tell you?"

Harm's face washed with concern. "She told me to leave it alone."

"Have a hard time following orders, commander?"

"I want to help." He offered.

"Jesus, you just can't walk by a damsel in distress can you?" She laughed. "You got this whole need-to-be-the-hero thing going on … I can help you with that."

"Good, we can trade services." He flashed her his smile.

She waved him off. "Go save a kitten from a tree … I don't need your help … more over I don't want it."

"Gates, you've got to trust somebody."

"And that somebody should be you." She stated. It was not a question; it was more of a 'don't be ridiculous' comment.

"Other than Mac … there is no one else that will go to the wall for you the way I would." He waited. "Ask anyone. That is my MO."

"Anyone? How about your CO? What will she have to say?"

"I don't know." He said. "This is not about her, or my position at JAG."

"What's it about?"

"You. I want to help you."

"Why?" She was annoyed. "You don't even like me."

"I never said that."

"You didn't have to."

He didn't have an answer for that. "Blame it on my Superman complex."

She laughed. "That is the first thing you said that I believe."

He gave her a look of final request. "For Mac, let me help you."

"For Mac? She told you to leave it alone."

"And she meant it." He looked worried. He was still unsure how he was going to deal with Mac when she found out. "But Mac is too close to you, she is not thinking clearly and neither are you."

"And you can because you and I are not close?"

"I can be objective."

"Facts not in evidence, counselor." She lobbed back at him.

"Touché." He took a slow breath. "Let me help you Gates."

She eyed him suspiciously.

"Tell me what happened and I promise, I will do everything I can to protect you."

She considered for a moment. "If you want to help me, then you have to believe it was an accident. He was handing me the gun for safe keeping, it went off."

Her voice was strong and clear and she made direct eye contact. Harm had interviewed plenty of people in life. He could tell if someone was lying or not – at least he could usually tell. She was not.

"It was an accident." He confirmed. "OK – So why would Schnarr lie?"

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0925 EST

JAG Headquarters

Harm cell phone was ringing when he walked in from the admiral's office.

"Rabb."

"You just couldn't leave it alone, could you?" Mac blasted him.

"Mac, It's Ok."

"No, Harm it is everything but OK."

"Gates and I talked, she is going to let me sit second to AJ … if it gets that far."

"Harm, you don't get it. I don't care if your intentions were pure as gold. I asked you to leave it alone, and you didn't. That is all there is."

"What does that mean?" He tossed back at her.

She was silent.

"Mac? What does that mean?"

"It means that I can't trust you." She said flatly.

"Mac --."

"It means that you don't trust me." She hit the final nail in. "It means that we do not have what I thought we did."

"That is not true." He defended.

"I think it is." She took a breath. "Did you ever stop to think about me? Did you even consider my wishes?"

"Of course."

"Did you ever stop to think about what this would mean for us?"

"For us?"

"Harm, we are working on something … something that could last a life time … did you ever consider that? Trust is a fragile thing. It is more fragile than love … what do we have if we don't have trust?"

"Mac."

"If I can't trust you out of my sight –"

"Mac … this is not about trust … actually, yes it is … you trusting me to do what I think is right."

"And to hell with what I think is right?"

"No."

"I am a fool. I am a total idiot. I thought you would change. I thought you had changed."

"Mac please … can we talk about this?"

"Oh we will talk about it … you can bet on that."

"When are you coming home?"

"Tomorrow."

"Tell me when you'll be in, I'll be there to pick you up."

"No." She snapped. "I am going to see Gates first. I'll call you."

"Mac, please."

"That's it Harm. That is it for now. I am so angry with you I can't see straight. It is a good thing I am not there. I am not sure what I would do."

"Mac."

"No, I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow." She hung up with out waiting for a response.

Harm slumped down in his chair with the phone still to his ear. She hung up on him. She must be livid. She hadn't done that in years. He spied his open drawer with the two folders in it from the gunny. He slammed the drawer shut. He was the idiot. He was the fool. If he had just waited until she got home, everything would have been fine.

After a moment, he made a call. "Gunny, It's Rabb. I need to get these files back to you … where? … I'll be there. Thanks"

Too late, Rabb. There is no use locking the barn door, the horse is already gone. The next thing he had to do was figure out how to get her back.

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Madden Residence

Gates had just gotten off the phone with the guy who was going to fix her door. She had been on the phone all morning. She was actually feeling better – physically as well as emotionally. Her conversation with Harm did not go as badly as she thought it would. He was actually a nice guy and was at least making a good show of believing her story, more so than AJ. He even took her out for a greasy breakfast before he left to go to work. Then the phone wouldn't stop ringing: first AJ, then Gibbs, then Mac.

In her conversation with Harm that morning, she never got a good feel for Mac's role in his being there. Mac didn't ask him to watch over her, at least not directly? It wasn't Mac's idea? Gates was sure of that. After her conversation with Mac, she knew. Harm did it on his own, and there would be hell to pay. She had to admire Rabb for that. He would risk the wrath of MacKenzie to do what he thought was right? Got to give him credit for bravery if not brains.

Mac did not question Gates about it, but Gates was a pretty good listener even when she was doing most of the talking. Mac was livid. Gates knew that she was going to have to step in and help Mac come to terms with it. She could do that. After all, Gates never should have asked her to keep anything from Harm. It wasn't fair to Mac. If Mac had told him, the chances were better than even he would have stayed in the background and waited until he was asked. Yeah, Gates would get though to Mac when she was back the next day.

She had to cut her conversation with Mac short because Victor came by. Her conversation with Victor was more strained. He offered his help, but he was guarded and standoffish. There was a part of Gates that thought he was acting guilty. It occurred to her that he might feel responsible. She did everything she could to NOT let him feel that way. He left shortly after getting a phone call. Gates didn't know who it was from, but she was sure that it didn't need his immediate attention. He just used it as an excuse to leave.

She was picking up the condo, when a knock came to her open door. She thought it was the repairman.

"That was fast." She called from the kitchen.

When she got to the door, Janet Schnarr was there, hat in hand. "Can we talk?" Janet asked.

"Not sure we have anything to say to each other." Gates said evenly.

"It wasn't an accident." Janet said quickly.

Gates stood rigid in the doorway.

"And I know you didn't shoot him."

Gates' tried to look away.

"He tried to kill himself, didn't he?"

Gates stepped back into the house leaving the door wide open. Janet followed.

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End Chapter Eight