Title: Old Friends, New Relationships
Chapter Ten
By: LizD
Written: Late Summer/Fall 2004
Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.
Old Friends, New Relationships By LizD
Chapter Ten - CLOSE THE DAMN WINDOW
0600 EST
Rock Creek Park – Jogging Path
"YOU DID WHAT!" Mac stopped mid-stride and bent over slightly to catch her breath.
Harm stopped a few paces away and turned back to her. He was out of breath as well. "Keep your voice down."
She looked up at him panting. "Repeat what you just said."
"Mac if you are not going to --."
She gritted her teeth and tried to keep her voice low but emphatic. "Harm, I can't believe this … you had Gunny pull her CIA file?" She was stunned. "What the hell were you thinking?"
It was a beautiful Sunday morning. The sun was out, the air was crisp; it was the end of summer. The Washington DC area was between the residual-hurricane rains that had been pounding the area for weeks. Though it was early in the AM, there were many Washingtonians out running. Harm and Mac were far from alone.
They had had a very quiet night – exactly what each of them needed. They took a shower and cuddled sleepily into each other in bed afterward. Neither actually wanted to make love – literally – but there were so many more ways of making love than having sex. They didn't want to talk. They just wanted to be close to the other. They each had quite a bit to process from the past few days and it was easier to think when they were in the same space and not half a world apart worried about the next meeting. They stayed in their own thoughts and let sleep take them when it would.
Mac woke around 0500 to Harm's tossing and turning. It made her anxious. He normally slept like a log; she even flattered herself into thinking that she calmed him down. He had told her repeatedly that he never slept better than when she was beside him, apparently not always. She wondered what was making him so restless. Was it the 'discussion' that was put on hold? Was it this thing with Gates? Or the admiral and her reaction to Harm's involvement? Maybe it was Mattie. She was due back the next day, school was about to start and soon Harm would be sending her back to live with her father. Maybe it was something she was unaware of. How was he affected by the information he gathered over the last couple of days? He said he had some things to talk about too. He was a little too quick to avoid the discussion the previous night. His rigid stand that he did not feel guilty nor was he about to apologize was like him, but the fact that he did not feel the need to lord it over her was not. Was that growth or something else?
When Mac suggested that that they should go for a run, Harm readily agreed. There was something bothering him but he couldn't put his finger on it. Running usually cleared things up; cleared things out for him.
They made ready and walked to the park in companionable silence – well not actual silence, but with very few words spoken. They stretched and opted for a particular path, one that would take them completely around the park. After the first mile or so the silence was becoming deafening. Harm's head didn't clear and Mac anxiety was rising.
"Mattie will be back tomorrow?" She asked. She knew exactly when she would be back, but needed to say something.
"Yeah." He knew that wasn't enough of an answer. "I talked to her yesterday. She and Chloe are taking Jennifer and Jack horseback riding today, but they will leave first thing in the morning."
"It was nice of Jennifer to offer to go get her."
"It was." When Schnarr had appointed him acting JAG indefinitely, she also pulled his leave for the weekend. "Jennifer has been great. Did I tell you that I got her a room at that Bed and Breakfast you wanted to stay in?"
Mac gave him a rather quizzical look. "Well, I guess someone should be having a nice weekend."
Harm felt a sting. He knew she didn't mean it like it sounded, but it sounded like things were about to get worse.
"Should we plan a weekend away?" He asked tentatively tripping over every syllable.
"Should we?" She was now confused.
"I mean we should."
"Right." She was clearly annoyed.
Harm grabbed her arm and stopped them in mid-stride.
"What's the problem?"
"That was my question to you."
"I asked you first."
"Oh please." She moved away from him quickly getting back into stride.
He watched for a moment and ran after her. "What is going on Mac?" He said when he caught up to her.
"You are avoiding me."
"How can I be avoiding you I haven't been more than three feet from you since you deigned to show up last night?"
"Since I what? Look just because I didn't come running home to you --." She broke off in mid-sentence. She wasn't going to let it turn into a fight, not after how well the previous night had gone. "We need to talk."
"Agreed." He stated. "So talk."
"Here?"
"Here and now … what? Are you worried that I might run away if it gets too sticky?"
"Wouldn't be the first time."
"That has always been your MO." He countered.
Mac thought for a moment and decided that the running path was as good a place as any to have this discussion. And the fact that they were both mobile might keep it from getting too out of control. You can't really STORM away from someone if they are running right next to you.
"Fine." She said calmly. "We'll talk – and run."
After a few paces where she had not said anything, he asked, "So you want me to start?" The best defense was a good offence.
"You have an issue you'd like to bring up?"
"Yeah … want to get back to the trust thing you were talking about."
She glared straight ahead but waited for him to continue.
"Why didn't you trust me with what Gates told you?"
"You didn't give me time."
"Time for what? Time to decide that I could be trusted? Mac you have known me for nearly nine years … longer and better - I might add - than you have known Gates."
"Ya know what Harm? I have known you longer and maybe slightly better than Gates. Still I should have known that you couldn't keep your promise. I should have known how much you hate to be kept in the dark. What is it about you that feels the need to intrude --"
"Oh so now I am intrusive … I go out of my way to help you … I keep an eye your friend because I know you can't … and I offer the services that I can provide … but that is considered intrusive."
"Your help was not asked for – and in hindsight it was cleared up without very much from you."
Harm shook his head. This was unbelievable.
"It is not that it was not appreciated," she relented. "Gates was very grateful."
"Mac you are going to have to choose a side of this debate."
"What was your point?" She asked.
"My point was – if we are in this … this … this relationship and we want it to last, shouldn't we trust each other?"
"Yes – I would hope that we would." Clearly she thought he was making her point, rather than his.
"MY POINT is … my question is … why do you shut down when faced with a crisis?"
"Shut down?" The whole MIC MESS rose up in her face. She felt her stomach tighten.
"Yeah, why don't you turn to me? Ask for my help? Ask for my support? Lean on me."
Mac was confused by the question. She never thought that she didn't. Harm was the only one she has ever counted on.
"I know it is your nature to handle things by yourself, but you aren't alone anymore."
"I turn to you … I rely on you … I count on you … I don't understand how -."
"Yeah, you turn to me, rely on my – but only after you have figured out what you need – what you want."
"You are splitting hairs here Harm." She scolded. "Now you are saying that I don't turn to you fast enough."
"I don't know what I am saying … all I know is that when faced with a crisis … you told me … your first reaction was to tell me to stay out of it."
"Which you couldn't do."
"No."
"Why?"
"Why?" He pulled up short and waited for her to stop and turn. "Why?" He shook his head. "Because I love you, Mac. I don't like to see you in pain and I want to make things better for you. Is that really so hard to understand?"
She looked down. No, it wasn't hard to understand. "I'm sorry."
"I don't want you to be sorry … I want to know why you don't --."
"I do … it is not you, it's me … I'll work on it." She reached out to take his hand. "We'll work on it."
They smiled weakly at each other and started to run again in silence.
Mac started thinking about the day – the day she left for the Patrick Henry. She remembered what Gates had told her. The shock of the incident, the disclosure of being raped was very difficult for Mac to hear. But the biggest shock was Gates telling her about the Lenny Schwartz incident of eighteen years prior. Mac was there and she didn't know. She let her friend down – her best friend. She was so out of it that she didn't know that her best friend has been raped – date raped – by someone they both knew. How could Mac have been so selfish, so self-involved, so completely out of it? She was shamed.
She was reeling from that news when Harm picked her up and took her to the airport. Mac was dealing with her own guilt and culpability in events that happened before she knew Harm. The fact that she wasn't aware enough of her best-friend-in-all-the-world's pain was very difficult to accept. She didn't see it the day of or the days after that. Mac was horrified with herself. She could blame it on the alcohol or youth – but in the end, she let her friend down. And now, to top it off, when her friend needed her again, again she is not there. Mac was dealing with a lot in that thirty-minute drive to the airport and telling Harm the whole sordid ugly story – past and present - just didn't fit in. It took her the fifteen some hours of hopping transports and being lost in her own memories before she was able to even think of telling Harm, but by then she was too far away. It was not the kind of thing to talk about on the phone.
She cleared her throat. "Harm, the reason I didn't tell you was because of something Gates had told me that I was having a difficult time dealing with."
"The assault?" He asked gently. Harm knew enough to know that he would never understand what a woman has to live with who has experienced a rape … nor would he understand what a woman feels who fears that might happen.
"Not just that." Mac was still having a difficult time finding the words.
"That it wasn't the first time?" He offered.
"Not the first time?" She was confused. How did he know?
Harm had said too much, but it was too late to turn back. "When she was eighteen … Leonard Schwartz."
"How did you know about that?" She asked, more confused than accusatory.
"I did a little investigating." He said sheepishly. "It came up."
"Where?" Mac knew that it should never show up on a report anywhere. It was one of the things that she and Gates talked about the day prior. Everything was expunged.
"Gunny got a copy of her file."
"Gunny?"
"Yeah, I asked Gunny for help and he pulled Gates' and Schnarr's CIA file."
Mac stopped mid-stride. "YOU DID WHAT!" Mac bent over slightly to catch her breath.
"Keep your voice down."
"Repeat what you just said." She demanded.
"Mac if you are not going to --."
"Harm, I can't believe this … you had Gunny pull her CIA file? … What the hell were you thinking?"
"I was thinking like a lawyer." He defended. "It is what I am."
"I can't believe this."
"What?"
"This is unbelievable."
"What?"
"Where do I begin? You had no right to dig into Gates' past."
"I was trying to work out a strategy for defense for when she went on trial for attempted murder."
"You were not her lawyer … you had no right." She stated clearly and with no UNCERTAIN terms.
"I just asked Gunny -."
"Gunny … I can't believe you dragged Gunny into this … I can't believe you asked Gunny to do your dirty work for you … I can't believe he did it."
"I think you are overreacting."
"Did it occur to you that Gunny and Gates were dating? That … that … that maybe it was WRONG to ask him to investigate?"
"I was trying to help."
"I don't know what say … you know it was wrong."
"It may have been presumptuous, but not --."
"To say the least …I don't know what to say … I can't believe this." She turned away from him. "Do you know that Gates didn't even read MY CIA file?"
"You don't know that."
She turned her attention back to him. "Yes, I do … she told me … and she would not lie."
"All she did through this whole thing was lie, Mac."
Mac looked away. Sometimes the truth hurts.
"I didn't lie, Mac."
"I can't talk about this now. I need a little time to let this sink in."
"So you are going to run away again … turn away … first thing you do … pull away."
She was forcing herself to not lose it. "Harm, we can't process this right now … we can't talk about this … I don't even know what I am supposed to think about it."
"So talk to me … work it out with me."
"I can't … not right now."
"Damn it Mac."
"I'm sorry Harm – we'll have to work this out at another time." She turned and walked in the opposite direction.
"When?" He called after her."
"I don't know … I really don't."
"Don't walk away from this, Mac."
She turned and glared at him. "I am not walking away from anything other than this moment … this conversation at this moment."
Harm was done. He hadn't done anything really wrong and he was tired of being castigated for it. "You know what … FINE … take all the time you need … I just hope I am still interested when you are."
"What does that mean?"
"It means exactly that." He started to run on.
"Where are you going?" She called after him.
He mumbled something over his shoulder that she was unable to make out. She thought about running after him, but she chose to run the other way. She needed to think.
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0915 EST
MacKenzie Residence
By time she had gotten back to her apartment he was gone: no note, nothing, just gone. It was no wonder, she must have walked around the park two or three times giving him a chance to come back. It continued to amaze her that she could be so furious with him and yet be so miserable without him. She decided that he was right. That she shouldn't have pushed him away again, that they needed to work through this issue together. She made up her mind, to shower, change and go to him to hash it all out. She was not prepared to lose him – lose what they had – over this, over Harm being Harm and Mac being Mac. They had come to far.
When she got done blow-drying her hair her phone was ringing. "Harm?"
"No baby, it's Gates." She cried into the phone.
"Gates what's wrong?"
"I spoke with Timo this morning."
"Your son?"
"I don't know what possessed me … but I told him."
"Told him what?"
"About Lenny … and Isaac not being his father. Mac I totally screwed up … Isaac has no idea where he is."
"I'll be right there."
Mac hung up and left. She left in such a hurry she forgot about Harm, about calling him, about saying anything at all. She didn't even realize that she left her cell phone on the living room table until she was half way to Gates' house – when thought to call him. She would call when she got there. Little did she know the wreck that would greet her.
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1818 EST
George Washington Hospital
Harm sat in the waiting room wringing his hands. He had long since given up hearing from Mac. He called her when he first got the news and several times after that. No answer and no call back. He got more irritated that she would not return his calls. How could she be so petty at a time like this?
What time was it? Crisis time – family crisis time – extended family crisis time.
Harm arrived at his apartment sometime after nine AM that morning. He cleaned from top to bottom (he had some pent up energy). There were many trips to the dumpster and sadly he blew a fuse, which meant a trip to the hardware store. Around noon, when everything was in working order again, he got a call from the DC police. Tom Johnson was in an auto accident. He was taken to George Washington Hospital. He might not make it.
Harm had been at the hospital since shortly after he got the call … he didn't even bother to shower or change. He finally got a hold of Mattie some time around 1400 but there was not much news to tell. She would be back in DC in two to three hours. He was hoping that Tom was out of surgery by then, but he had little hope that he would be awake enough to talk to Mattie.
They actually didn't take him into surgery until after Harm had spoken to Mattie, so she was not aware that there was internal bleeding or any of the other reasons they needed to open his up. Harm hated giving that kind of information to her over the phone so he chose to wait.
Just before Tom went in, he was conscious enough to speak to Harm.
"Take care of our girl." He said. "Tell her I love her."
Harm had such mixed feeling when it came to Tom. He didn't like him and would never truly respect him. The man abandoned his daughter. Harm could never reconcile himself to that. He understood the alcohol and guilt issues, but that was only intellectually. Harm would never truly forgive Tom. The Tom problem for Harm currently was that fact that he had to help Mattie to forgive her father. It was part of being a good parent, a good friend. He had to help Mattie, to be there for her in ways that he didn't like or accept – but understood.
Now he was faced with the prospect that Tom might die. It would mean that Mattie could stay with him, but at what cost? Harm refused to think that way. Tom had to live if only for Mattie's sake. She could not lose another parent.
The doctor came and met Harm in the waiting room.
"He survived the surgery, but it is still too soon to tell."
"What now?" Harm asked.
"We wait. We are moving him to post op and then to ICU. You should go home and get some rest, it is going to be a long night and he won't be awake for hours." The doctor didn't say it but Harm heard it – 'if he does wake up.'
Harm shook his head. "His daughter will be here in a couple of hours. She will want to see him."
"There will be no visitors, Commander."
"She will want to be here."
"I understand. No promises. But I will see what I can do." The doctor nodded and walked down the hall. He looked wrung out; the surgery must have been very bad.
Harm sat down slowly and dropped his head into his hands. He didn't even have a clear idea of the extent of Tom's injuries and what the prognosis was if he survived. He was so lost in his thoughts he did not hear Mac walk up.
"Harm?"
Harm looked up and saw Mac standing near him. He leaned back in his chair and put his head against the wall. She sat down and put her hand on his arm.
"I am sorry … I just got the message." She said comfortingly
"Messages." He pointed out that there were a few.
"I know, I'm sorry. I left my phone at home … it doesn't matter … how is Tom?"
"He is out of surgery. They won't know anything for a while."
"What happened?"
"Car accident … some kid ... just got his license … crossed over the center line … it was his birthday today."
"Is the kid alright?"
"Died at the scene"
"Oh my God." The weight of the situation just landed on Mac. Tom might die.
"But the three people in the car with the kid should be alright." Harm continued. "Two were treated and released, the other will be kept over night for observation. Neither Tom nor the kid were wearing safety belts and neither car had air bags."
She squeezed his arm. "Does Mattie know?"
"She is on her way here – they are a couple of hours away." He got up and moved to the other side of the room. He was getting restless having to explain this all to her. He would have to do it again for Mattie.
"What is going on, Harm? What are you thinking?"
"I am thinking a hundred different things, Mac."
"Like what?"
"What am I supposed to do with Mattie when she gets here? … How can I comfort her and tell her it will be all right when I have no clue if that is true or not? How can I help her lose another parent? What am I supposed to say to her?"
"You will know what to say." She reassured. After a long moment, she asked "What else?"
"What am I supposed to do with the fact that there is a part of me that thinks that Mattie would be better off with me?"
She knew immediately what Harm was thinking. She knew that he did not wish anything bad to happen to Tom, but the reality was … if Tom were gone, Mattie would stay with him. "Harm you are not wishing Tom dead."
"No, just out of the picture."
"Harm …"
"What if he does make it … he will need a very long time to recover … and therapy … am I supposed to take him on … take care of him … for Mattie … and what does that do to --?"
"To what?"
He shook his head.
"To us?" She offered.
He sniggered. "Us? You and me? Hell Mac, after this morning I am not even sure what that means anymore. We are so far apart."
"Far apart?"
"Mac we are not even in the same league … much less ballpark."
"What does that mean?"
"It means simply this … I am ready … ready to go all in … to marry you and fight it out with you for the rest of our lives … I am ready … will never be more ready … I have let go of that lifeline, Mac … but you … nah, not you … you aren't ready … you aren't even close …I shouldn't be surprised … timing was always bad with us … but, you are no closer today than you were six months ago. Your first reaction is and always will be to push me away. What am I supposed to do with that? How can I live with that? How can I hope to make a life with someone who is just waiting for the stakes to be high enough to push me away for good?"
"Harm, that is not what I am -."
"No … no more … I can't do it … not right now."
"Harm, I am sorry about this morning. I am shouldn't have ended the conversation. I should have stayed and talked it out with you."
"Mac, bottom line is I needed you today … not just with thing with Tom but this morning … I needed you to be there … I said as much, I asked as much … but it didn't matter. You just couldn't do it. Not for me … and not for us … not even for yourself."
"Harm, please-."
"Harm?" Mattie's voice came from behind them.
Harm turned and went to her immediately. He wrapped her up in an embrace.
He looked up at Jack and Jennifer. They were there too soon; they had to have been driving over the speed limit. "I told you to drive carefully."
"Harm – Harm I am here in one piece." Mattie defended them. "How is my father?"
Harm and Mattie walked down the hall. Mac watched as Harm explained as gently as he could to Mattie about her father's condition. Mattie was a strong girl; she could handle a lot. She was tough and brave. She folded in to Harm's arms and cried like a baby.
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2125 EST
George Washington Hospital
Harm was sitting alone outside Tom's room. The doctors had let Mattie in to sit with him. He still had not woken up, nor was he expected to. They were encouraging everyone to go home and get some rest. Jack and Jennifer did. Harm had told Mac to go too, but she wouldn't leave.
She came up from the cafeteria with water and a banana. She sat down next to him.
"When was the last time you ate anything?"
He shrugged. "Yesterday … I think … this morning … I don't know."
"Can I get you something?" She offered him the banana.
"No. Thanks." He stood up. "This is driving me crazy."
"Let's take a walk." She got up and took his hand.
He followed. He didn't know how but Mac had maneuvered them through the halls, stairs and elevator and got them outside. It was a crisp night. Harm was still in shorts and a t-shirt. He shivered a little at the cold air. They walked the grounds and wound up in the garden. He took a seat on the bench. Mac knelt down in front of him.
"She is being so brave." He said.
"She is a brave girl … she has been through a lot in her young life."
"She shouldn't have to deal with this."
"No, she shouldn't."
He looked down at his hands.
Mac sat up on her knees so she was almost eye-to-eye with him. She took his hands in hers. "Whatever happens, we will see it through together." She said confidently.
"Yeah … sure … thank you." He clearly didn't believe her but appreciated the sentiment.
"Harm?" She touched his cheek to get him to look into her eyes. "Harm, I am not looking for a way out. "
He looked down.
She tilted his head back so again he would look in to her eyes. "I am not looked for a way out." She repeated. "I love you and I am … committed and … ready to do what it takes to make us work."
"It won't be easy."
"It never has been … but we are clearing the path to a future for both of us … all of us … and if that means Mattie or Mattie and Tom … then so be it."
He nodded.
"Harm, I love you."
"I know."
"Harm?"
He pulled her into an embrace and held her very tightly. He so much wanted to believe her. He so much wanted to believe that they had a future together. But at the moment the future was very dark, very out of focus.
"Harm?"
"I love you too, Sarah." He said. "We'll be all right. We'll be all right." He let that loop in his head hoping that if he repeated it enough he would begin to believe it.
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