Title: Old Friends, New Relationships
Chapter Twelve
By: LizD
Written: Late Summer/Fall 2004
Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.
Old Friends, New Relationships By LizD
Chapter Twelve - Sliding Doors
1521 ESTJAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
"Accused and council will rise." Judge Sebring stated.
Harm and Petty Office Wallace Grinds rose and came to full attention.
Sebring turned to the members. "Senior member will announce the findings."
A young petty office stood, cleared his throat and read from the paper in his hand. "On the charge and specification of destruction of military property, Petty Officer Wallace Grinds this courts martial finds you - guilty. On the charge and specification of dereliction of duty, Petty Officer Wallace Grinds this courts martial finds you - guilty. On the charge and specification of …"
Harm kept his eyes forward until all five charges were read. He felt the young petty officer standing next to him losing his strength. He wanted to say something - to bolster him up, but there was nothing to say. His client was guilty and Harm had failed to find a way to save him. He would be discharged and sent to Leavenworth.
" … thank the members for their service. Sentencing will be at 0900. We are adjourned." Sebring banged the gavel.
Harm looked to PO Grinds. There were tears in the young man's eyes. Harm gave him an apologetic face and offered his hand. The petty officer turned away and was led out of the courtroom by the bailiff.
Harm slowly stuffed the papers into his briefcase. He hated losing, but more than that, he knew he didn't give this case his usual 100 attention. While it was true that the kid was guilty, and against Harm's advice he refused to take a plea, but it was also true that Harm had other things on his mind. He could have done a better job.
"I'm sorry, Harm." Mac's voice came from the side. He hadn't realized she was still there. "But your client was guilty."
"What does that have to do with anything?" He snapped back at her.
"Is this the first time you weren't able to convince the members to let a guilty person go free? Why, I think it is." She was not smiling she was annoyed that he was taking it so hard.
"Are you gloating?" He asked with a slight edge to his voice.
"Why would I gloat? A young man is going to Leavenworth for making a series of really bad decisions that nearly – single handedly - destroyed an aircraft carrier and killing her crew in a time of war. Why would I gloat? Because I won?"
Harm gave her a sideways glance.
"That is your style, Harm, not mine. Justice was done."
"Isn't it always?"
"Not always." She couldn't count the number of times that Harm played on the members sympathies, romanced them and convinced them that although his client was guilty – he should not be held accountable. How many times was she the prosecuting attorney for such theatrics? How many times was she made to look like a hard ass, by-the-book marine bitch trying to send the poor, poor whoever to jail for serving his country? BAH! She turned to walk away.
"This never would have happened if …"
She turned back to him. "If what? If you were in top form … if you weren't so distracted? You could have gotten your guilty client off if only you weren't so pre--."
"Say it a little louder Mac, maybe you can prosecute me for dereliction of duty."
"Harm – grow up. If you didn't think you could handle this case, you should have recused yourself."
"Do you think I was derelict?"
"No, your client was guilty, you advised him to take the plea bargain – he chose to put his fate in the hands of the members --."
"And me." Harm added.
"Fine … Think what you want to think. Feel sorry for yourself if you want to, but that kid got what he deserved. I'm done." She put up her hand to stop a retort from him and strode from the room.
Harm sunk down into his chair. He didn't want to fight with her. God knows they hadn't had much time together in past four weeks. He was so focused on Mattie. Sadly Mattie didn't want that much attention focused on her.
"Commander?" Jennifer Coates called from the door. "You wanted me to remind you that you have an appointment at 1630."
Harm checked his watch. He would probably not have enough time to go home and change and get to the meeting. "Great … I am going to be late … Damn it. Coates, if the admiral is looking for me --- you don't know where I am and my cell phone is dead." He breezed past her on the way out.
"Yes, sir." She watched after him and shook her head. He was taking Tom's death harder than Mattie was.
X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X
1719 EST
Madden Residence
Arlington, VAMac knocked on the open door and let herself in.
"Gates!" She called. "Gates are you here?"
There was no response.
"GATES!"
"Right behind you doll." Mac turned to see Gates struggling with some groceries – a lot of groceries. "You know you could have helped."
"Sorry, I didn't see you."
"Your story." Gates said with a bright smile.
"What is all this?" Mac took a couple of the bags (plastic – not paper) and started pulling out cans and boxes of all kinds of stuff.
"Stocking up for a long cold winter." Gates joked.
"Seriously."
"Seriously?" Gates smiled broadly. "I got a job."
"That's great. Did you find a office – going into private practice?"
"You are looking at the newest Special Agent for NCIS."
"What?" Mac was surprised. "Doing what?"
"Profiler."
"Are you qualified for that?"
Gates looked ashamed that Mac would even suggest such a thing. "More than … I trained as behaviorist … it was what I did with the CIA for the first eight years. Never liked clinical."
"I'm sorry, I guess I don't understand all the ins and outs of that kind of work." Mac tried to recover. "So you will be working with Gibbs?"
"No. He has a profiler on his team – such that she is. I'll be working in an entirely different area." She said over her shoulder. "But yes, he got me the job."
"He may have gotten you the interview and given a good recommendation, but … you got the job yourself."
"Yea, well … whatever. It's money rolling in and I don't have to listen to people whine at me for forty hours a week." Gates continued to put her groceries away.
"Well, that's great … we need to celebrate."
Gates opened her arms to show all the food she just bought.
"No, No … I mean take you out and celebrate."
"Can't tonight, doll. Got a hot date." Gates smiled.
"Oh ho?" Mac got a sly grin. "Do tell."
"Well, don't know how hot it is, but AJ asked me to have dinner with him."
"Really." Mac sat down waiting for the dish. "First time since …?"
"Since … Yeah. We've been talking again … we've had lunch a couple of times. I don't know. I just like his company."
Mac still thought of AJ as a hard-nosed gruff SEAL. She rarely pictured him at play and never thought of 'enjoying his company.'
"He and Gunny hung their shingle out last week." Gates continued.
"Yeah, Gunny came by and gave us a bunch of cards." Mac smiled. "I was going to say it ought to keep them off the streets – but now I worry about the streets of Washington."
"Heard that." Gates confirmed. "Anyway, I guess they got their first check today."
"What is going on with you and Victor?"
"Not much. He calls to me occasionally, but I guess his interest has waned."
"And yours?"
"Gunny was really never my type … you and I talked about this before … he needs some young thing that is going to crank him out a couple of kids and be home for him darning socks and baking casseroles."
"I think he is a little more open minded than that."
"Maybe, but it wouldn't have worked for us." She turned to put some milk in the refrigerator. "It doesn't matter anyway, I am not looking to get married again anytime soon."
"Heard that." Mac repeated.
Gates turned quickly to Mac. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing … I just understand about not rushing toward something that has a fifty percent success rate."
"You can't base your marriage experience on what you and Chris had."
"Your experience is not better – 0 for 3 … I just don't see any reason to rush into anything."
Gates shook her head. "Miss Sarah - my love … you have everything you want – everything you have EVER wanted – in arms reach and yet you still pretend like it is not yours to have. What is wrong with you, girl?"
"Nothing."
"Come MacKay … reach out and take what is yours."
"For one thing - it isn't in my reach … at least not at the moment."
"What are you talking about?"
"It's Harm … He is pretty focused on Mattie these days – as he should be. The poor girl-."
"Yeah, the poor girl just lost her father … it was horrible … it was an accident. It is sad and it is unfair … SO WHAT?"
"So what?"
"So what does that have to do with you and Rabb?"
"It means that Harm needs to make some adjustments."
"Not just Harm." Gates said.
Mac did not respond.
"She won't be there forever Mac --- she is going to go to college, have a life of her own."
"In a couple of years."
"So Rabb is going to put his life on hold until then? And expect you to do the same?" It frustrated Gates to no end that Mac was so willing to accept less than she deserved.
"No, but it just happened." Mac looked nervous and uncomfortable. There was something else she felt she needed to say, but she didn't want to hear it. She didn't want to give it credence.
"What?" Gates saw the conflict in Mac and prodded.
"What what?"
"What? What are you thinking … what is going on?"
"I am not sure."
"What are you sure of?"
"I have not seen Mattie – well seen to talk to, spend time with – since the funeral. Each time I show up at Harm's apartment, Mattie has homework to do or she makes some other excuse to leave. We invite her to dinner, but …"
"But what?"
"Nothing … I am probably just being over sensitive."
"What?" Gates would not let go.
"I don't think she likes me."
Gates joined Mac at the table. "Why do you say that?"
"It's just a feeling I get … the way she looks at me … I don't really know how to describe it."
"How was your relationship with her before?"
"Well … I don't know really … it was fine, I guess. Most of the time I spent with Mattie also included many other people Harm, Jennifer … who knows. We have never really talked – just the two of us."
"Well, that will have to change." Gates stated matter-of-factly. Then she asked one of those pointed directed give-a-person pause questions that Gates is famous for – rather infamous for. "Did you not push a relationship with her cause you knew she would be going back with her father? There was no reason to get to know her cause she was going to be leaving?"
"What does that mean?"
"Baby doll, you have abandonment issues … getting close to someone who you know will leave is scary for you … hey, I am just asking the question … seriously, why get close to a kid who is on her way out?"
Mac shook her head. "Thought you hated clinical work."
"This is not work."
"Oh right, this is fun – having a great time here."
"Look, all I am suggesting is that maybe there is something to this – not all on Mattie's side – you two never took the time to know each other before - you both have abandonment issues - now that you are forced to – you are resisting."
"Great."
"On the other hand, you might be too sensitive and whatever is going on with Mattie may not have nothing to do with you."
"Is this how you make your living? You could be a politician."
"It's called hedging your interpretation." She smiled quickly. "What is Rabb doing in all of this?"
"What do you mean?"
"Is he allowing her to leave? Is he not forcing the issue?"
"He doesn't see it as an issue. I have not brought this to his attention."
"Why not?"
"He has enough on his plate … he is trying so hard with Matte … I didn't want to put more pressure on him."
"Yeah, because Rabb is such a delicate little flower … he would break under too much pressure." She said sarcastically.
"Come on Gates … this is new for him."
"It is new for all of you." Gates corrected. "Hey … he invited that girl into his life … it was his decision and you helped."
"That doesn't mean that he knew what it would entail … he needs my understanding and my patience … I am the adult … Mattie needs him."
"And the hell with your needs." Gates took a breath. "Just because you are the least affected by Tom's death and can see things more clearly than either Rabb or Mattie doesn't mean that you weren't affected."
Mac looked away.
"When was the last time you two slept together." Gates pressed.
Mac looked up – it still took her by surprise ever time Gates asked those kinds of questions. "A long time" was Mac's simple answer. She remembered it specifically. It was the night of their last real talk … the night they agreed they didn't want to be alone any more … the night before the morning they got the news about Tom.
"And you are OK with that?"
"No, of course not … but it is only temporary. We see each other ever day … he is very attentive … we talk a lot."
"About Mattie?"
"Mostly … and work and other things."
"But for all intents and purposes your relationship is on hold … you are back to being friends."
"Our relationship is what is it … we support each other. He needs my support right now." She defended. "Don't you think that is reasonable?"
"After four weeks? No."
Mac shook her head.
"Let me ask you something … do you love him?"
Mac thought of many ways to answer that question, but there really was only one right way. "Yes."
"And you are sure that he loves you?"
"Yes." Mac never questioned that although after she made her answer she wondered if she should question it.
"Final question … this is for all the points and the Broyhill dinette set … Do you still want to have his kids and do all that growing old together stuff – or is this latest development the out you have been looking for?"
"GATES!"
"Answer the question."
"I don't want out." She said softly but confidently. It had crossed her mind once or twice that maybe this was a sign – yet another sign – that they were not meant to be together. But each time those thoughts came she pushed them away. She would accept the HOLD in lieu of ending it. She would accept what she was given. Harm was the man she wanted in her life and if she had to wait, she would wait … for as long as it took.
"Good." Gates smiled. "Does the fact that Mattie will now be a permanent fixture in Rabb's life – in both your lives – a full fledged member of the Rabb/MacKenzie/Johnson family unit – has that change anything?"
"Of course it changes things."
"About your feelings for him?"
"No." Mac stated emphatically.
"So you have told him that you want to get married and all of that crap?"
"No." Mac said weakly. "I sort of suggested that we wait a little while. And then Tom died."
Gates shook her head. "What about your feelings for Mattie? Have they changed?"
"I like Mattie … I like her a lot … I probably would love her if she gave me a chance to get to know her." Mac protested.
"Or if you took the chance."
"OK … yes … I see that I should have been more proactive in that relationship. But I don't think she wants me to be part of -."
"There are many reasons why Mattie may beg off from spending time with you or you and Harm … maybe she is jealous … maybe she is just feeling a little out of place … maybe she doesn't like you … maybe she doesn't like herself. Being a teenager sucks for any kid … and this kid has it good compared to some. At least she has someone in her life that gives a shit about her. Does she have two someones?"
Mad nodded.
"Then give the kid a break. She just lost the last link to the only relationship you can't divorce out of … she needs to know that she is a part of this blooming family just as much as you and Rabb are and that you three need to stand behind each other and hack out a path for the three of you together."
"That is what Harm is trying to do."
"Keeping you out of it is no way to do it."
"He is not keeping me out."
"You are not included … is that his fault or is that yours? And don't you dare blame Mattie."
"I thought you were MY friend … I thought you would be on my side." Mac was feeling attacked.
"Baby, I am on your side, I am more on your side than you are."
"It sure as hell doesn't feel that way."
"Honey, if you want to be a part of that family … then you need to take on your share. You can't lay this … this … family discord at Mattie's feet or even at Rabb's. All three of you are in this, and all three of you need to address it and work it out."
"In time."
"How much time? Will time change things or make it worse?"
"I don't know … we are just in a holding pattern -."
"You people and your HOLD BUTTONS … for God's sake … MOVE THE HELL ON."
"Gates."
"Look Mac … you are the one that said wait with Rabb … he can't wait with Mattie. Time and tide, Sweet-pea, wait for no man, woman or child."
"I know."
"Yes you do, Sarah --- you know what you want … you know the answers … stop asking questions and stop waiting for the right place, at the right time, for the right reasons."
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Rabb Residence
North of Union Station
Harm let himself in and went immediately to the bedroom to change out of his suit and tie. He didn't notice Mac sitting at his desk.
"Hi." She called after him.
He turned quickly to look at her. "Hey. Did we have a date?"
"I didn't think I needed a reason to come over here." She said without much tone to her voice.
"You don't." He continued to change. "I just wasn't expecting you."
Mac nodded and folded the files she had been working on. "Where did you take off to today?"
"I had a meeting."
"A meeting?" She asked. "A meeting with whom?"
He came down and headed toward the kitchen having changed into shorts and a t-shirt. He was planning on going for a run. "Can we talk about this when I get back, I missed my run this morning." He pulled a bottle of water from the refrigerator and took a short sip.
"Sure." She leaned back in the chair. She would not push the discussion into a fight.
"I am not putting you off." He continued on his way to the door. "But I want to get back before the sun goes down."
She didn't move. "The sun is down, Harm."
He looked out the window. The sun was down. "So it is. I won't be long. I need to pick Mattie up at Susan Smithfield's at 1930. We are going out for pizza, do you want to join us?"
"Sure."
"I'll be back in a flash." He said as he opened the door.
"Harm?" She called after him.
He stopped by the door impatiently waiting for her to say what she had to say.
"Nothing, have a good run."
He smiled sweetly and left.
X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-X X-XRunning Path
North of Union Station
Harm hadn't missed his run that morning. He hadn't missed an opportunity to run two or three times a day in the past two weeks. It was the only time that his thoughts and the pressures of his life didn't feel like they were suffocating him. Supporting Mattie through the death of another parent was the hardest thing he ever had to do. Truth to tell, he was terrified – well Harmon Rabb Jr. does terrify easily, but he was definitely out of his element – permanently 'out of his element.'
Ever since the petition for her started nearly a year before, there was a little voice inside of him saying that it was a bad idea; that he could not give her what she needed. What she needed (in his mind) was a nurturing loving woman – a female – a mother. He was a single man, with a single man's needs and a single man's life. He liked being in the Navy, he liked not having to answer to anyone – personally. He liked being able to come and go and having no one making demands on his time. He liked working hard and playing when he wanted to. Up until Mattie came into his life he had not been willing (or able) to commit to an adult woman much less a child – the hell with a woman, he was able to commit to a plant or a fish. So taking on a child – a pubescent female child who needed more time and attention than a wife, a girlfriend or a plant was a major stretch for him. Talk about jumping into the deep end …
When Tom showed up sober and it looked as if he and Mattie were reconciling, Harm felt a great deal of relief. He would never admit it, but it was true. It was not that he didn't love Mattie, it was not that he wouldn't have risen to every challenge, met it and exceeded it just to have her stay with him. It was just that with Tom around he wouldn't have had to shoulder the burden a hundred percent, he wouldn't have to be held completely accountable for the mistakes. But now? Now Mattie was his without question, without debate – he was the only one there for her to look to – to rely on. No one would fight him for custody now – even the aunt and uncle weren't interested enough to offer Mattie a place to stay. No, she was his and there was no one, no one to share it with. Well, Mac but Mattie hadn't signed on for Mac, and Mac hadn't signed on for Mattie – well in all fairness Mac hadn't signed on at all, but he was hoping, he was planning. OH! His plans … Oh well, 'best laid plans of mice and men -.'
Since the funeral Harm was discovering something about himself – not really discovering – it was more like experiencing an irrational fear that kept him awake at night. His time with Mattie, the constant struggle with Mac, the permanency of the change foisted on to his life and his stated desire to change it still – he was convinced that he was not built for the domestic life. He wanted it, he yearned for it and even went out of his way to find it, but was he any good at it – could he live up to what all that would mean? Was he reaching for something that was just not his to have? Or was the loss of his youth – growing up, taking on grown up responsibilities what was scaring him. Peter Pan was going to have leave Neverland. Could he really do that? The fear of screwing up was real … but so were the desires to try. He had to try … he wanted to try. And God knows now he had a girlfriend and a daughter … soon there would be other grown up things he would have to deal with. Well, Rabb as the sayings go: "be careful what you wish for" and 'too much of a good thing…'
What confused Harm the most was what he was supposed to be doing for Mattie. For all intents and purposes, Mattie seemed to be taking Tom's death well. She had made all the arrangements for the memorial, she and Jennifer had cleaned out Tom's apartment and donated all his belongings to the rehab center and she asked Harm to take her up in SARAH so she could spread Tom's ashes over the woods outside Blacksburg as she had done with her mother's ashes. She was fine – or at least she seemed fine. It probably hadn't hit her yet, but she was going on with her life. She was going to school, seeing friends, she even continued to go to AlaTeen meetings. Her schoolwork was better than it ever had been and she was reading constantly – anything from HARRY POTTER to Chain of Command: The Road from 9/11 to Abu Ghraib. She was taking an interest in things she never took an interest in before: debate club, chess club, the yearbook committee, the election in November. She was trying to join the JROTC program at school; she had said that she wanted to be a pilot – like her 'old man' and was looking into the Naval Academy.
With all of that, Harm and Mattie did not spend much time together. Most of the time she spent with Harm was when he was shuttling her from place to place. A few days ago she started pressuring him to give her driving lessons. She would be turning sixteen in November and wanted to have her driver's license and was talking about buying a car. She was looking into finding a place to work after school and on weekends so she could pay for it. They rarely ate together and didn't really do anything fun – not that Harm hadn't offered. But Harm still remained at home, hoping that she would come to him. He wanted to be around for her. He even asked requested no TADs. Mac and Bud picked up some of that slack.
If Mattie was fine, Harm was anything but. He felt the weight of the world on his shoulders, as he never had before. The living arrangements were supposed to be only temporary. Now that Mattie and he would be permanently attached, he needed to look for a house in earnest. Mattie was turning sixteen and would be going to college in a couple of years – Harm had no money for that (he wanted to give her more options than just the Naval Academy). Not to mention health care, clothes, food, allowance – she had not been taking much from him over the summer, not since her dad came back into her life, but Tom did not leave much inheritance. Harm needed to pay off the house in Blacksburg. It was the only legacy that Mattie's mother had left and he would not let Mattie lose it. Tom's medical bill was staggering and he left a huge debt from the six months he spent in rehab. The insurance from the accident would pay for much of that, but not all. Tom had left other debts – not exorbitant but enough to give Harm pause. Harm had never been in debt a day in his life. He never owed money to a credit card for more than the grace period nor had he ever made a car payment. The money from his savings account was depleted when the trip to Paraguay came up and he was never able to put any of it back. Since Mattie had moved in he had been paying rent and a half, food, clothes etc. etc. etc. How was he supposed assume Mattie financially and the rest of it too?
"Rest of it"? Rest of what?
He was thinking about Mac. If he were to ask Mac to marry him, if she actually said yes, and if they were lucky enough to have a family … how was he going to provide for her, a baby (or two) and Mattie all on an O-5's salary? Sure, Mac would put in her share – she actually had higher base pay than he did – but still that was not enough to live in a 'style' that he wanted them to live in. Mac shouldn't be saddled with paying half of the cost of Mattie's college and if she wanted to stay home to raise the children for a couple of years she ought to have the opportunity. Of course this all presumed that Mac would be interested now that he was the permanent guardian of a fifteen year-old girl. Maybe Mac wasn't ready for that much family that quickly. Harm and Mac got together after Tom and Mattie were beginning their reconciliation. Mattie living with Harm was supposed to be temporary. Every other time he had brought of the subject of marriage, she had implied – hell she stated - that she wanted him to back off from his plan. Maybe she was expecting to be more ready to pursue such a plan after Mattie had returned to live with her father. Well, that plan had changed. Mattie wasn't going anywhere. Could Mac handle that?
That is a world of worries sitting squarely on Harmon "Atlas" Rabb's shoulders. So he ran – ran from or to didn't matter – he just ran. The run was the only thing that kept all these thoughts, concerns and worries from pushing Harm to the breaking point.
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Pizza Napolis
Capitol St
Harm and Mac waited for their pizza. Mattie had begged off from dinner. She said that she had eaten earlier and needed to get some more work done on the project that she and Susan were working on. Mac noticed, but thought she would deal with one "Rabb" at a time.
"You OK?" Harm asked.
"I was going to ask you that." Mac leaned back.
"I'm OK." He smiled and reached to take her hand. "Good to have you all to myself for a little while." He leaned in and kissed her quickly. "Sorry about today … in court … I haven't been sleeping well." He squeezed her hand. "I guess I don't like sleeping alone."
"You guess?"
"I know for sure."
"We should do something about that." She said evenly. She needed to judge his reaction.
If he had one, it was quickly dismissed by arrival of the pizza.
"Harm, we need to have a little conversation."
"About?"
"About what is going on with us." Mac said sincerely.
Harm felt the muscles in his shoulders start to tense. He had been trying to hold everything together, the pressure had been building and he felt it about to burst. Was she about to break up with him? He took a quick sip of his beer and tried not to show his strain. "Us?"
"All three of us." She added.
"What do you mean?"
"Harm you can't keep dividing your time between us … it will drive you crazy and no one will get what they want in the end – especially you."
"What do you want?"
"Harm – I want to be a part of your life – I want to be a BIG part of your life."
"Good." He reached for her hand again.
"I don't just want my piece of it." She pulled her hand away slowly.
"What does that mean?"
"It means that Mattie is part of your life – in some ways I understand that she has to come first."
"First? This is not a ranking system."
"I am just saying that Mattie's needs are more critical at this time – she just lost her father."
"I am doing the best I can." He defended.
She reached out to grab his hand. "Harm, I know you are … all I am suggesting is that you let me help – you and Mattie … let me be a part of that."
"Have I kept you out?" He was confused.
"Honestly … yes."
"How do you figure that?"
"Harm have you noticed that Mattie and I haven't spent more than thirty seconds in each other's company for weeks? Not since Tom's funeral."
He hadn't noticed.
"If we invite her to dinner – like tonight – she has other plans or needs to do her homework."
"Doing homework is something that parents all over the world have a difficult time getting their children to do – is that a bad thing?"
She smiled and shook her head. "Harm, have you noticed you divide your time between us. If you are doing something with Mattie, you are not doing something with me – it is understood."
"What is understood?"
"That you don't include both of us."
"We lead busy lives Mac, it is hard to get –."
"Harm, stop. You know that's not true."
"What do you want me to say? … I'll do better."
"It is not about doing better … we are all in uncharted territory here. I just want to help – help Mattie, help you, help all three of us."
"I know you do."
"Do you realize I don't even know how you are dealing with all of this?"
"Me?"
"Yeah, you."
"What do you mean?"
"Tom's death affected you – us – is a big way."
"Yeah, so."
"So … " She ran her hand through her hair. The words weren't coming. "This is why I am not a shrink."
"Say what you are trying to say … don't couch it in psychobabble." He said quickly.
"How are you handling this?" She said softly.
Her voice some how touched a soft spot – a soft spot that he thought he had locked off for a time. His first impulse was to brush it aside, to say that he was fine, that he was just trying to be strong for Mattie. But that wasn't true – there was so much he had to tell her, to discuss with her, but he was so afraid that he had already lost her because of Mattie. The look in her eyes and the softness of her touch let him know he hadn't lost anything. He genuinely felt the earnestness of her question. He needed to give her the real answer.
"Well, I tell ya, Sarah – it sure shot my plans all to hell."
He said those words with so much pain and so much disappointment that she had an overwhelming desire to hold him, to make it better for him. She smiled weakly. "Let's get out of here." She rose and took his hand.
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Moments later they were walking down the street, away from where they parked the car. She had linked her arm around his waist forcing him to wrap his arm around her shoulders. They walked in silence for a while until they came to a little park decorated for Halloween.
"Halloween is a month away." Harm protested.
"Nothing wrong with preparing for the future." Mac turned to him. "Harm, I don't think your plans were …"
"Shot to shit?" He offered.
"They will need to be altered slightly … but I don't think any plan worth the hope it's pinned on can't stand a little altering."
"What are you saying?"
"I am saying it was – and still is a good plan – and I think we ought to start pursuing it."
He shook his head. The ambiguity was becoming too much. "Ok … Ok … I need plan simple words … my head hurts from trying to out think everyone."
"I'll remind you you said that one day." She laughed quickly and then got serious. "Your plan was to buy a house."
"Yeah."
"Well, I think that we should start looking. The living arrangements with the three apartments, is becoming unreasonable."
"Three?" He was still not sure about what she was saying.
Mac felt her courage falter … what if he didn't want to marry her anymore. What if taking on a teenage daughter permanently was all he could handle and their future would have to be put on hold for a year or more. She sucked it up in good marine fashion and forged ahead. "Yeah – the three of us should look for a house."
For the first time in a month Harm felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel and it wasn't an oncoming train. He sat down on the bench. "Ok. But you know that brings up a bigger issue."
"Our duty stations." She said quickly cutting him off from the other big issue that it brought up.
"Well, that too … but I have been doing a little thinking on that."
"You have?"
"Yeah, in fact I had a meeting today to that end."
"A meeting?"
"Yeah, with Dewey, Lawson and Cohen."
"The law firm?"
Harm nodded.
"You interviewed with a law firm?" She was amazed.
"It wasn't an interview and it just sort of came up … it was more of an informational meeting to see if either side would be interested."
"And?"
Harm nodded. "They do a lot of government contracts … Northrop Grumman is their biggest client … it would be honest … relatively honest work and I would be home at nights and on the weekends … very little travel."
"You'd hate it."
"They would more than triple my salary." He said as if that made up for it.
"You got so far as to talk about salary?"
"It came up … there was no official offer."
"Harm … you would really take an early out? You are so close to your twenty."
"I would stay reserve … keep my designator … gotta fly." He flashed her his big toothy smile. "And you could stay at JAG – for as long as you wanted to."
"I can't believe you got so far as have an interview." She was still shocked and ignored his comment about staying at JAG 'for as long as …".
"I haven't made any decisions, and I was going to talk it over with you, but it came up just today … got the call before court and went right after."
"Harm, it's OK … I understand … I am just surprised is all." She shook her head. "They called you out of the blue?"
"Not really, I had spoken to Robert Lawson during the Grinds investigation. We got off the topic a little. I guess I made an impression."
"You usually do." She smiled. "Triple your salary, huh?"
He nodded. "Yeah, it will come in handy with a teenage daughter who will be heading off to school soon and a house … " He wanted to add a wife and a baby, but he didn't feel that confident.
"And a wife and a baby." The words left her mouth before she even knew it.
He waited a half a second. "Looks like I am not the only one with a plan."
She searched his eyes, hoping that she hadn't gone too far.
"So?" He said.
"So … what?"
"So tell me your plan." His eyes lit up.
She felt safe to play. "I would prefer to think of it as OUR plan." She leaned into him hoping he would kiss her.
He didn't. "Tell me."
"Me?" She wasn't sure what he wanted.
"Yeah, you. Tell me your plan."
"My plan is to grow old with you. My plan – OUR plan – is to raise our children together. To help Mattie become the best woman she can be. My plan is to is to know that whatever comes at us in all our tomorrows, we will face it together."
"Are you asking me to marry you?" He took her hand.
"Would you say 'yes'?"
"I don't know." He grinned. "It's all so sudden."
She smiled back at him. "Take your time to think about it … you have ten seconds."
"I don't need any time … I would say 'yes.'"
"Good to know." She started to get up but he held her back.
"Sarah Jane MacKenzie – get back here."
"Jane? It is not Jane."
"Well I can't marry you if I don't know your middle name."
"You'll have to find a way." She teased.
They kissed to seal the plan.
"What made you change your mind?" Harm asked.
"Change my mind? What makes you think that I needed to have my mind changed?"
"Well … you have been the one putting the brakes on since we got together."
"I have, haven't I?"
"So, what changed … when you found out I was going to be a rich corporate lawyer who could keep you in the style you would like to become accustomed?"
She nodded. "Right, it is your money that I want … no. And I still think that part of the plan needs some serious discussion."
"Not tonight … tonight I want to stick with this part of the plan." He kissed her again. "So what changed?"
"Over the past four weeks … since Tom's death I have been asking myself … trying to give my self reasons for us to wait. I thought that maybe Mattie would need more time to deal with how her life has changed … and you … and me … but to be honest, I think it was just putting the inevitable on hold and actually allowing none of us to move on."
"What else?"
"I couldn't get away from was the fact that everything could be taken away from us in an instant … with no warning … so waiting is just tempting fate and wasting time."
He understood.
"I guess I finally understood that if you know the answer, you need to stop asking the question."
"Sounds like something Gates said."
"I am sure she did." She looked at him. "I am not suggesting that this all happen tomorrow, but that we need to start going in that direction. We need to discuss it with Mattie and start making plans – real hard and firm plans."
"Good." It was. It felt really good.
"And Mattie and I need to work some things out."
"I have every confidence in you, Mrs. Rabb."
She smiled and shook her head. "Don't go there."
He pulled her to him and kissed her.
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Johnson/Coates Residence
North of Union Station
Mattie was typing her next entry into her journal. The last entry was dated more than a month before. It was the day she left for Vermont.
October 7, 2004 It's been a long time …My dad died.
Wow … that is the first time I wrote it out. Thought about my dad a lot today – must be why I am writing. It came up in group again today – they think that I am angry with him. Angry with him for dying and for leaving me again. Maybe … who knows. I miss him so much. He was so different than he was when I was a kid. He talked to me like I had a brain in my head and not some brat that was always in the way. He was doing so well. He was up for a promotion. We were making plans to live together again – we were even talking about going back to Blacksburg. Damn it.
At least he wasn't drunk behind the wheel and the accident wasn't his fault. Funny, isn't it? He kills my mother in an accident and someone else kills him in an accident. Like he was supposed to die the first time, but didn't. Weird. I have probably been watching too much X-files or that stupid movie … Final something or other. Whatever, it doesn't matter.
I'm glad I got a chance to tell him good-bye --- tell him that I loved him. He looked so sad. I hope he knows that I am OK. I wish I could believe that he and my mother were somewhere together. I just don't. I miss her more now that Dad is gone.
I miss you Mom!
Harm does what he can. I know he loves me and I know he is trying – I just wish he wouldn't try to hard. I wish he would just leave me alone. Things are fine. I am fine. I like living with Jennifer – hell I almost never see her anymore now that she and Jack are together. She is only home during the week. I have the weekends to myself. It is really nice. Harm is always just down the hall if I need something … but I never do. I like the quiet. I like living alone. I forgot how much I did. I am better on my own.
But Harm is OK. He is a good guy. He's out with Mac tonight. I can't tell what is going on with them. They are always running hot and cold. There is something up with Mac. She looks at me funny like she is expecting me to break down in tears or something. I don't know. I wonder if she really likes Harm at all. She is always picking fights with him and dissing him in front of everyone – showing him up in court. I don't even know why he likes her. But he goes all moony eyed when she is around. Yuk. If that is love you can have it, just so long as I don't have to see it. She is probably over there right now. I could break in on them – send her packing – but forget it. I don't want to know. Harm's a good guy – he tries too hard, but he is a good guy. I guess Mac is all right too. I don't know. I don't care as long as she leaves me alone.
Got a lot done today. Susan can be such a chore. She is never prepared for class and if we fail this project it is going to be because she didn't pull her weight. But I am acing the tests and doing a whole ton of extra credit. I should get my 'A'.
Got a new English teacher today. She threw out all the assignments that we had done this semester and said that we would start fresh.
I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING CHANGING.
I wouldn't bet that the sun would come up tomorrow. All I want is to be still, quiet … to be left alone. Is that too much to ask for?
Probably … I don't even get a say. Screw it … Ok enough for now. More later.
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