Tangled Up In You
Chapter Six
By LizD
Written Summer 2003
Spoilers – Through the End of Season 8
Tangled Up In You – Part 6
1418 EST - Thursday
Chegwidden Residence
Mclean, Virginia
Admiral Chegwidden entered his bedroom still carrying his briefcase and wearing his hat. He hadn't neglected to take his hat off when entering a building in his entire life. He caught sight of himself in the mirror and was astounded. He saw him self at twenty, thirty, forty and fifty all in that single reflection. For more than three decades of his life, he dressed in the same white uniform - the only difference were the number of medals, ribbons and bars. He had held a great number of positions during his time in service and saw a great many things – some he would never forget and others he wished he could. He had known many men and women – people he took orders from and people he gave orders to and some were true colleagues. Not all of them he liked, but most he respected as they respected him. The Navy had been his entire life. It was the source of duty, honor, and respect. He earned it, he gave it and he demanded the same from the people in his command. The people in his command – hmm – how many were there? They came and went sometimes before he was sure of their names. Then there were others who touched his life so profoundly he could not just consider them staff. He shook his head sadly.
He hadn't thought about what his life would be like if he retired. He talked about it enough in the recent past, but never got further than that. What would he do to keep himself busy? What did he want to do? He knew he would retire someday. He didn't know that it would be today and he rather hoped that it would have been his decision. It wasn't.
The SecNav came back from the summit meeting in California a day early. For whatever reason the 'situation at JAG' was hot on his mind as it had been since Sunday night. Interesting when you consider we were still a country at war and he was the secretary of the Navy, one would think that there were more important issues to keep him focused. One would be wrong.
The admiral was called up to the SecNav's office that morning. Harm and Mac were in Norfolk on the Evergreen, so the admiral chose to take the meeting by himself. I won't go into all the details, but suffice it to say the admiral was not going to tolerate anymore of the SecNav's unsolicited micromanagement - not while he was the JAG. He said as much – in so many more words - to which the SecNav said 'fine.' The option was given: to retire or be retired. I guess the admiral underestimated the SecNav's power.
He slowly took all his ribbons off and carefully put them away in their proper boxes. He remembered how he had earned each one. The medals and insignias were given a quick polish (as they always were) and also stowed away. This was a ritual he did every night, but this time it was different. This time he would not be taking them out of their boxes in the morning to go to work.
"AJ?" Meredith's cheerful voice came from the front room. "AJ? What are you doing home?"
He met her in the hallway and allowed her greeting. He truly loved this woman and he knew that she would have not issue with his being out of the Navy; in fact she would probably welcome it. That's why he didn't want to tell her. He needed a little time to mourn the loss, before he thought about the future.
"AJ what are you doing home and out of uniform? Are you sick?"
"No, I feel fine. Should I cook for us tonight?"
"I have class tonight, I told you this morning. I just came by to pick up the books I left here this weekend."
"Right – right. No matter."
"What is going on?"
There was no getting around it. "I retired today." He said matter-of-factly and wandered off to the kitchen to get him self a well deserved beer. Meredith was left a little stunned.
"You did what?"
"You heard me."
"I think I did, but I am not sure? You retired. You just woke up this morning and decided that you were done with the Navy."
He laughed. In hindsight one could argue that was exactly what he had done. He resolved not to let the SecNav manage him, and that was a career ending decision if there ever was one. "Yeah, something like that."
He walked past her to the living room and sat down. She followed slowly.
"What happened?"
"Had a meeting with the SecNav today and we decided that it would be better that I retired – effective immediately."
"Really?"
"Yes."
Meredith knew exactly how difficult this was for him. As much as she had hoped that he would retire, she assumed it would be sometime after they got married. He had too much life in him to want to sit home and grow roses – or whatever. "You know what? I think I will cancel my class tonight."
"Meredith – don't do that. Please."
"AJ."
"Please, I really would prefer that you don't."
"What did the people at the office say?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"They don't know. Their new commanding officer will be there tomorrow and he or she will tell them."
"They are your friends, AJ. Don't you think you should tell them yourself?"
"I don't really know what to think."
"When did this happen?"
"Oh – about an hour or two ago. Haven't really noticed the time."
"I am going to call Harm."
"Meredith, please don't get involved in this."
"I am involved in this."
"I know you are. Please, just . . . don't do anything. Everything is fine." He looked up at her. Everything was not fine. "Just be with me."
She wrapped her arms around him and in a moment he responded. There was no place he could think of being, but in the arms of the woman he loved.
1730 EST
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia
Harm and Mac walked in. The place was empty – or so they thought. They had spent the day in Norfolk conducting interviews and reviewing records. It seemed that there were other items that went UA about the same time the sailors did. During their interviews on the Evergreen, they found two midshipmen who had been assigned there when the first unexplained UA occurred 13 years ago. They had a feeling they knew more than he was letting on. They had a plan.
They were discussing the plan in Harm's office when a knock came on the door. It was Lauren Walsh.
"Lieutenant?"
"Sir, ma'am. We have not been introduced. I am Lt. Commander Lauren Walsh. I started my tour here this morning."
"Welcome." Harm got up to shake her hand. "Harmon Rabb and-."
"Colonel MacKenzie. I know who you both are." She shook Harm's hand. "I want to say that I am sorry. I had no idea that this was going to happen. If I had known – I am not sure there is anything I could have done about it, but I still feel responsible." Her sense of urgency and anxiety were unnerving.
Mac got up. "What are you talking about Lieutenant?"
"You haven't heard?"
"We just got back." Mac continued.
"I was sure someone would have called you."
"Called us about what, Lieutenant?" Harm asked.
"Admiral Chegwidden."
"What about the admiral?"
"He retired today."
"What?" Mac was flabbergasted.
"Excuse me?" Harm demanded. "He retired? What does that mean?"
"I am really not at liberty to say, all I really know – all I can really say – is that he retired."
"How did you get your information?"
"My father is Admiral Lucas Walsh."
Mac tried to be rational. "Why do you think you had anything to do with this?"
"Well, it was because of the meeting I had with Secretary Sheffield –"
"The SecNav?" Harm was unnerved.
"Yes, sir." She stepped back a little. "I met with him this past Sunday night. We were to talk about a position he had in his office."
"And."
"Well we had a dinner meeting at the Chesapeake Yacht Club."
Harm and Mac both looked at each other. "On Sunday night?" She asked for clarification.
"Yes ma'am."
"So you know that the commander and I were having dinner there as well."
"Yes ma'am."
"And I suppose the SecNav knew too."
"Yes ma'am." She looked down a little embarrassed. "He seemed very -- concerned. I have known him most of my life, and I know how he can get." She stopped herself before she said anymore.
"What happened today?" Harm continued.
"Admiral Chegwidden had an appointment with Secretary Sheffield this morning, and he did not return."
"Thank you Lieutenant."
"Thank you sir." She looked away. "Again I am very sorry."
"You have no idea." Was his warning.
Walsh left.
"Harm there is no reason to take it out on her."
"The meeting was supposed to take place tomorrow." Harm picked up the phone and dialed.
"I am aware of that." She put her hand down on the phone to prevent the call. "Who are you calling?"
"Tiner."
"Tiner?"
"He would know what happened."
"Why not call the admiral?"
"Mac, if he went up to the hill to defend us and got fired in return, I would think we are the last people he would want to talk to."
"So you are not planning on talking to him at all."
"When I have the facts." He pushed her hand away. "Maybe he went home sick. Maybe he took the rest of the day off, I know I feel like that every time I get within six feet of the SecNav." He turned his attention toward the phone. "Tiner! Rabb . . .. What happened here today? . . . You damn well better find the liberty to tell me. . . . What else? . . . What else? . . . Are you sure you are not leaving anything out? . . . Fine. Thank you." He hung up. He looked really disgusted.
"So?"
"The admiral was called to the SecNav's office. We were to have gone, however since we were in Norfolk --- Anyway, at 1530 the admiral called in and asked Tiner to pack his personal effects and bring them to him at his residence. He was instructed not to tell anyone or to let anyone know. We have a new commander showing up here at 0900 tomorrow."
"New commander."
"Admiral Prudence Farnsworth."
"From Annapolis?"
"Yes. The old iron maiden herself. Never seen a day of active duty; but can cite chapter and verse of UCMJ and carries a law library around in her head."
"I thought she retired years ago."
"She should have."
"This is our fault Harm."
"No it is not. If it is anyone's fault it is the SecNav."
"How did you come up with that?"
"Mac, both of us requested to resign or transfer. The admiral would not entertain either notion."
"So that would make it the Admiral's fault."
"I think that the SecNav has been trying to get the admiral out of JAG for years. That little audit he did blew up in his face, but that is only because Lindsey was involved. Some of the findings had merit."
"How can you say that?"
"Because it is true. We do very good work here, but we are anything but by the book."
"I'll grant you that." She looked away toward the admiral's office. "So what do we do now?"
"Right now, we go see the admiral." He wrapped his arm around her and led her out of the office.
2020 EST - Thursday
Chegwidden Residence
Mclean Virginia
AJ opened the door to Harm and Mac. They looked nervous and shame faced. "Was wonder when you two would show up? The Robert's just left, and Turner has left three messages. Need to have a discussion with Tiner about the meaning of confidential."
"May we come in sir?" Harm asked. The admiral stepped back and allowed them to enter.
"How did it go in Norfolk today?"
"Very good sir, we think we have a handle on this case." Mac answered.
Harm continued. "We believe that this is not just a simple UA, we believe that it is a conspiracy to defraud the Navy."
"Meaning?" He looked at Mac.
"Meaning that some very sensitive materials have gone missing from the ship over the past thirteen years."
"How sensitive could they be the ship was damn near scuttled every time it went out?"
"Yes sir, but it still had the top of the line Naval technology." Rabb explained.
"Isn't that an oxymoron, Commander?"
"Yes, sir at times it is."
"Well, keep me informed – oh I guess – no don't keep me informed." The admiral walked into the living room and motioned for them to sit. "Can I get you anything? Something to drink Colonel?"
"Nothing, thank you." She looked very sheepish. "We are very sorry sir."
"Don't be. This had nothing to do with you. It was a long time coming."
"But sir." She protested.
"Mac you have been in the military for quite a while now." The admiral continued. "You know ninety percent of what goes on between men is a pissing contest. Well this one I lost."
"Sir, we know you went there because of us." Harm continued.
"Look, the both of you. I will tell you the truth. I don't have any idea what the SecNav was going to say, because I didn't let him get a word in. I walked in there and told him that I would not longer tolerate his constant focus on the ins and outs of JAG and if he felt he could not trust my judgment then he should replace me. He did. That is the end of the story."
"Sir, maybe you can --."
"No, Mac it is over. I can't go back and ask for my job back. Don't be ridiculous." He shook his head. "I am only sorry for the two of you."
"Us sir?"
"Well you two and the rest of the JAG staff. I believe that the SecNav will follow through with the threat that he presented last time when we were under investigation from Lindsey."
"He will split us up?"
"More than likely." He shrugged. "I could be wrong, it will depend on who he replaces me with."
"Admiral Farnsworth. She reports at 0900 tomorrow."
"Farnsworth? That old iron bitch. I thought she was dead."
"No sir."
"Oh then I am truly sorry. I failed you all."
"How can you say that sir?" Harm protested.
"The first duty of a commanding officer is to his people. I forgot that this morning. I should have -."
"Please sir. We – none of us – have made it easy on you." Harm said.
"And certainly not Harm." Mac stated.
"Hey." Harm defended.
"He was the worst don't you think sir?" Mac said with a smile.
"He was pretty bad, but I lost a few gray hairs over you too Colonel." He smiled easily with her.
"What will you do now sir?" She asked.
"Now? I am planning a wedding. I expect you both to be there."
"Of course, sir." They echoed.
"And then – who knows. I think Meredith wanted to take a sabbatical to write a book. We could travel."
There was an uneasy silence. "We should let you get back to your evening, sir." Harm stood up.
The admiral really didn't want them to leave, but could think of no reason to ask them to stay. "Yes, yes. And you two have a case to solve."
"Yes sir."
"You don't have to 'sir' me anymore Mac. Call me AJ."
"Don't think I can do that sir." She looked at him with sad eyes. "Permission to hug the admiral?"
"Permission granted." Mac leaned in and hugged him hard. This was a man who she had come to love and respect. Not like a father but like a mentor and guide in life. He was a very good friend to her and a leader who will never be replaced. While she knew that they would stay in touch, things would never be the same. He pulled back first, as not to get too emotional. It was too late for Mac, her eyes were already brimming with tears. "Thank you Colonel. You will land on your feet. Trust me."
"Thank you sir." She wiped the tears away.
"Harm." He extended his hand to him, which was taken quickly.
"Sir, I don't know what to say."
"Good – usually when you open your mouth I regret it." They both smiled.
"Thank you sir. Thank you for everything."
"I wish I could believe that I taught you something, Harm, but I truly believe that I learned from you." He laughed. "And that is not a bad thing, teaching an old dog a new trick or two. You kept me honest, son."
"Thank you sir. But I believe the debt is all on my side. If there is anything I can ever do for your, sir, --." They each clapped the other on the shoulder. It was a MAN thing, but it meant so much more. Rabb truly respected the admiral and he knew for a fact that he would not let this man fade from his life.
They turned to leave. "One more thing, Commander, Colonel." They turned back. "Don't let whatever happens tomorrow or in the future interfere with what you both know to be important. You two have been through so much already. Don't let it ruin --- anything. Remember that."
"Thank you sir."
"Keep an eye on him Mac."
"Two eyes."
2146 EST
MacKenzie Residence
Georgetown, Maryland
Harm and Mac entered her apartment. It had been a very long quiet ride home. Mac went into her bedroom to change and Harm threw himself down on the couch and kicked his shoes off. He was not planning on staying, but he really wasn't ready to go home just yet. Mac came out moments later dressed in sweats – her favorite sweats and the ones from last Thursday evening. Yes, they were washed and yes, it was only seven days ago. What a difference a week makes.
"You know how sexy you are in those, don't you?" He said with very little energy.
She mock modeled them for him. "Who needs satin or silk, when you can have 100 Marine Corps cotton?" If she were in a better mood, the tone might have been more sarcastic or playful, but her heart wasn't into it.
"It is not the material – it's the woman inside." She half smiled at the compliment. He tried to grab her hand when she walked by, but she was able to stay just out of reach.
She went to the kitchen to get some water, returned with two bottles and tossed one to him. It hit him squarely in the chest with a grunt. She nudged him to move his feet and she sat down on the couch. He dropped his feet in her lap. If you didn't know better you would think that they were an old married couple who had worn their routine to perfection after many, many years. They dropped back into the comfortable silence that kept them from talking about what tomorrow would bring. To talk about anything else would be superficial and pointless.
What would tomorrow bring? Never before had things been so uncertain. Mac was not worried about being able to handle what ever was thrown at her she just didn't want to have to "handle" it. She didn't want to have to think about it or make concessions or compromises with her time or her career. She had finally gotten to a place in her life where she was happy in her job, and now that her personal life seemed to be taking shape, she was not interested it making any major changes. Too bad Mac. You don't always get what you want and for you, it seems that you never do.
Harm was very philosophic about what tomorrow would bring. He was not concerned about the ramifications of anything – at least not personally. He cared about how it would affect Mac, and Bud, Harriet, Turner, Tiner and Coates. The effect on their lives was not lost on him, and the part he played in brining this turn of events about was not without some – ok A LOT of guilt. But for himself, no. Not at all. Why? He was fully prepared to walk away from JAG and the Navy. He would have a month ago; he was ready over four months ago. If it came down to it. Now that he and Sarah were starting something together, that was his priority. Truth be told, he was a little bored with the life of a lawyer, and he would be damned if he was going to be sent to some back water station pushing paper. No, Harm was prepared to not be center stage. Whether or not he could really take second chair was yet to be determined –in his mind he could. But Harm often didn't know his own mind. He was prepared to walk away from JAG and the Navy, so long as he didn't have to.
"Mac?" He called to her. She didn't respond. She was a thousand miles away – rather she was thinking about being a thousand miles away. "Sarah?" He said a little louder, still no response. He pulled his feet away and sat up. The movement brought her back from wherever she was. "Are you crying?" She was taken aback. She hadn't realized it but she was crying. Not sobbing, whimpering or weeping, but tears were streaming down her face. She started shaking and he pulled her into an embrace. That did it, now she was crying for real – there was no question. She hung onto him as if her future depended upon it. She didn't know why but she had a terrible sense of dread, of impeding doom; that whatever tomorrow held for her it would not be something she wanted. She could not speak or respond in anyway to his questions. It is a good thing that there are times when Harm new when to shut up, and this was one of them. He held her and let her cry.
2215 EST - Thursday
Roberts Residence
Harriet was furiously cleaning the oven. He hair was wrapped in a bandana and she was covered in dirt and grime and cleaning solution from the oven. Bud came in screaming at her.
"What is wrong with you?" He pulled her up from the oven.
"The oven needed cleaning."
He was pulling off her gloves and washing her hands under cold water. "Do you know what those chemicals, those fumes can do to you – can do to our baby?" His statement was so on target that Harriet back away from the kitchen like it was infected with some evil disease.
He found her moments later rewashing her hands and her face in the bathroom.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"No, you are absolutely right. I am so stupid. I wasn't thinking. I can't think." She was reving on 9000 rpms.
He wrapped his arms around her. "Honey, calm down."
She pulled herself away. She did not want to be comforted. "What are we going to do Bud?"
"You are going to bed."
"I meant about the admiral, about JAG." She was frustrated. "They are going to split us up."
"I expect that she will split us up, but we will deal with it."
"How? What if she sends you back out on active duty?" Bud gave her a look that said there is no way in hell anyone would send him back to active duty with a prosthetic limb. Harriet didn't notice anymore, there was nothing wrong with him, and actually there really was no reason why he couldn't serve on a ship – but thank God the Navy thought differently. "What about me?"
"Harriet, you are pregnant. You are not going anywhere."
"How can you be so calm about this?"
"I'm not calm, but there is nothing that I can do about it now. And we don't know for sure that there is anything really to do."
"So what are you saying?"
"Let's go to bed. Things will look better after a good night's sleep."
"I don't think so, honey."
MacKenzie Residence
Georgetown, Maryland
Mac had settled down. Her tears were dried and her breathing came back to normal. She was now enjoying the peace and quiet and feeling Harm's arms around her. In his arms she felt that the world was a safer place. She knew she couldn't live there, but it was nice to know – after a lifetime of not having a safe place – it was nice to know she had one. One that was so completely open to her alone.
"You Ok?" He asked.
"No." She said truthfully. "But I am glad you are here."
"I wouldn't be anywhere else."
"Remember what I said about my life going to shit?"
"Yeah, well you called that one didn't you?"
"I did." She shifted her position and pulled away from him. Her neck was sore and every muscle in her body was screaming out. He turned her so he could rub her shoulders. "You are being very nice to me."
"Shouldn't I be?"
"No, you should, but what about you?"
"Sarah, I am fine. Really. I have everything I could ever want right here in my own two hands."
She pulled away and looked back at him. "I believe you think you mean that."
"Of course I mean that."
"Well, it is a nice sentiment, but --."
"But what?"
"But it isn't true."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Nothing – not a thing." She looked at him. "Seriously."
He relented his bravado. "Yeah, ok fine. I am --- concerned about what this Farnsworth person is going to do to JAG. And yes, I will bet that she will not chose to leave well enough alone. But am I worried about my career? No. Am I worried about what will happen between us? No."
"How can you say that?"
"I can say it because it's true. Mac there is nothing that can happen tomorrow that will shake us. We have been through so much."
"Really?"
"Really. We have survived fights and fiancées and certain death. What else is there?"
"Permanent reassignment."
He leaned back and exhaled. She was right. Through it all, through the last seven years, there was an expectation that the sun would rise the next day and that they would be inextricable enmeshed in the other's life through no decision of their own. If they lost their home, if they lost JAG, if they lost their foundation, if they lost their forced daily contact how strong – really – was their relationship? In the past, they would often need time to be near the other, but not next to in order to find their way back. It was too soon to tell how this new relationship would work and what was needed to help them weather the rough patches. And god knows there will be rough patches.
"What can I say to you to make you understand? Should I get down on my knees and declare my undying love and devotion to you?"
"Please – I don't want you to hurt yourself." She was snide.
"Mac – Sarah."
"Look Harm this is serious."
"We are not indentured servants or slaves, Sarah. We could quit. Or one of us could quit and follow the other."
"You are not being reasonable."
"How much more reasonable do you want me to get?"
"I don't. I don't want to talk about this any more."
"We talked about this the other night."
"You talked about it, and I listened. It was just unreasonable then as it is now."
"I can't believe you are saying this."
"I am not saying anything. I don't want to talk about this."
"Just like that?"
"Yeah, just like that."
"Sarah."
"Look Harm, our whole relationship has been built on us being equals professionally as well as personally. Our careers are too important to us. Don't pretend like it means nothing to you. It devalues you -- and me." She got up and walked away. "And to say that you are going to put a personal relationship – even one with me – above your career is completely out of character for you. I don't know if you are lying to yourself or to me. But I don't want to hear it."
He sat for a moment and let her words sink in. His career did mean a lot. He did actually like being a lawyer and he was good at it. The Navy was all he ever knew. Even when he couldn't fly he didn't leave the Navy. It was his home. He was comfortable with the rules and regulations, the chain of command, the responsibility. He was familiar with how things worked and they were neat and orderly and precise – most of the time. Not like a relationship with a woman, any woman – especially Sarah. If he were reassigned to some place like Alaska or Greenland or even San Diego, would he refuse the assignment? Would he quit because he drew a bad duty station? Was that in him? To walk away because they made him do something that was beneath him? No.
So what would that mean? It would mean that they would be apart. They could see each other maybe twice a year for two to four weeks. There are phone calls and e-mails and actual snail mail letters. There are plenty of people in the military who have lives that are disjointed like that. Sailors are often deployed for six to twelve months at a time, and their spouses stay home and keep the home fires burning. And those people often, sometimes, occasionally survive the time and distance. Could he and Mac? The correspondence would be very intense and intimate at first. They would disclose things that they never would have if they were sitting in the same room. But then time would wear on, the letters and e-mails would ebb. Their work and the people around them would distract them. Sharing those details via modem would not mean as much as when they were sharing them on a daily basis. He could foresee them falling back into a comfortable friendship. But there really is no way to keep romance alive across thousands of miles. They would drift and eventually their hearts would be given to someone else. Then there would be the messy break up. No it would not be fair – to yourself or another person - to keep someone emotionally tied to you when you are being permanently reassigned. It wouldn't be fair.
Harm sat up. She was looking out the window. He went over and wrapped his arms around her from behind. She leaned back into him.
"I'm sorry." He said softly into her ear.
"Yeah, me too."
"If you could take back the last seven days or the last seven years would you?" His question was gentle, not confrontational.
She thought for a moment before she responded. "There are pieces and parts of the last seven years that I would very much like to have not experienced, but if it is all or nothing, no. No I wouldn't trade it for anything."
"And the last seven days?"
She turned to him. "No."
He wrapped her up in his arms and held her very closely. "I love you Sarah. I don't know what is going to happen, but letting you walk out of my life is not an option." But he wasn't in charge of the options, he knew it and she knew it.
He turned her face toward his. The tearstains from before were gone. Now she just looked miserable. All he wanted to do was take away her pain and in turn take away his own. He kissed her and carried her off to the bedroom. If this was to be their last night, he meant to make her realize how much she really meant to him.
