A Parody of Love and Redemption in Five Parts

Part I: Wherein Our Two Protagonists Wish to Tear Out Their Respective Throats

HARRY: Hiss, Draco, you're evil!

DRACO: Hiss, Harry, you're evil!

HARRY: I'll hate you forever, you spoiled pureblood bastard!

DRACO: I'll hate you forever, you smarmy Mudbloods' saint!

HARRY: sticks out tongue But I'm better at Quidditch than you.

Part II: Wherein a Remarkable Transformation Occurs

LUCIUS: Idiot son. Get the Dark Mark!

DRACO: But – but – Father! I think…I think I may be having a change of heart.

LUCIUS: waggles eyebrows You're having a…what? Son, must I spank you with my pimp cane?

DRACO: A change of heart! Voldemort is an evil, evil wizard.

LUCIUS: headdesk That's it. We're taking you to His Dark Lordship whether or not you want to go.

DRACO: throws a fit Mummy, save me!

NARCISSA: cradles Draco's limp form Oh, darling, don't force Draco baby to do this.

LUCIUS: …and something's going to stop me?

NARCISSA: puts Lucius in a headlock Do you still want to hear me scream your name out every night?

LUCIUS: sulks away

Part III: Wherein Our Protagonists Learn To Accept Each Other

DRACO: skips Harry, I'm back!

HARRY: You're what?

DRACO: hugs Harry I'm not getting the Dark Mark, and I'm at last in touch with my maverick independent self! I hate Father!

HARRY: Bullshit.

DRACO: Harry, watch out! Scary Death Eater is coming your way!

HARRY: AHH, I'M TOTALLY HELPLESS AND UNABLE TO DEFEND MYSELF!

DRACO: does nifty wand work

DEATH EATER: dies

HARRY: tears streaming down face Draco, you saved my life! You have changed!

DRACO: sobs Yes, I have! Now let's go and save the wizarding world together!

Part IV: Wherein Our Protagonists Save the Wizarding World Together

HARRY: battle cry I avenge my parents' death!

DRACO: more nifty wand work I look sexy in my leather pants as I kill off Death Eaters!

LUCIUS: gapes Is that you!

DRACO: Yes, it's me, Father, and –

LUCIUS: YOU STOLE MY LEATHER PANTS!

Part V: Wherein We Finally Arrive at the Juicy Part of the Fic

HARRY: wipes sweat from face Well, Draco, we've done it. Voldemort is dead…hell, everyone's dead, but we're still alive.

DRACO: sniffles Harry, I've really bonded with you through all of this bloodshed and gore.

HARRY: Okay! Let's fuck!

DRACO: fucks