Thanks for your patience everyone. I had to do some scrambling to figure things out, now that Volger has been banished. Hopefully this will still make some coherent, alternate universe sense…And thanks for all the reviews. It keeps me feeling all warm and fuzzy!

Chapter 3: If you're so smart…

This was the time of the day when House rested, when he didn't want to be disturbed. Well, okay, that was basically every moment of the day. But it was this hour in particular that he set aside to concentrate on honing his doctoring skills.

Wilson forked another section of salad, waved it at the television screen.

"Oh, come on, that's completely unrealistic." He crunched down on the salad but continued. "If I were to do that with a medical student they'd have my license."

"It is a soap opera, James," House chided. "Besides, you'd never do it in such a public place, so you'd never get caught."

Wilson nodded, seeing no real reason to go down that line of arguing again. He forked another bite as they continued to watch the latest exploits of the hospital. The episode held their undivided attention until their own melodramatic doctor rushed into House's office, brimming with the type of enthusiasm House avoided like the plague.

"We've got one, boss!"

House placed a finger to his lips, eyes never veering from the screen.

"No, TV time's over," she continued, unabated. "We have to rally the troops and march forward into the undiscovered country. Once more unto the breach!"

"Stop paraphrasing Shakespeare, it's not impressing anyone." House only answered because a commercial came on. He still didn't look at her.

Wilson shrugged. "I found it impressive."

"You think a woman who can spell is worth doing," House shot back.

And that was it for Wilson. "Okay, TV time is over." He left, half-smiling at Stevens as he walked out. Taking that as encouragement, Stevens strode up to House.

"Commercial's over, you go now."

But she wasn't to be dissuaded. This was her first case with the diagnostic department, and the old man's obsession with that melodramatic fluff wasn't going to stop her. So she risked her life and wellbeing and turned off the TV.

"Now listen, a boy was brought in with a GSW a couple days ago, but now he's displaying signs of advanced brain disorder, so I think we should--"

House essentially jumped up, with the support of his cane, and walked out. He had said nothing. He has merely looked at her, not even with any apparent malfeasance. He just turned his back on her and limped out.

Unbelieving of what just happened, Stevens momentarily lost her edge and followed after him like a lost puppy.

"Wait, don't go, we have to discuss the case."

"If you're so smart, Shakespeare, you do it yourself."

"But you're the head of the department."

She had caught up to him at the door, which he had already opened.

"You want my job, you do it."

And he left. "Damn old fool," she hissed to herself. "And how the hell am I supposed to get Cameron to listen to me!"

"Take her on a date, worked for me. Nice try with the hair, but I think chartreuse is more your color." Then he was around the corner and no longer in the picture, literally and figuratively.

XXX

With Wilson's help, it only took an hour to get Cameron to agree to sit in the room as Stevens led the diagnosis session. She agreed to sit there, but she didn't agree to suggest any diagnoses. And she was really planning to uphold that part of the arrangement.

As Stevens busily wrote the symptoms on the board in an exaggeration of perfect penmanship, Foreman leaned over to Wilson.

"So why isn't House leading this?"

"Apparently your new friend turned off General Hospital on him."

Both of Foreman's eyebrows shot up. "And she's still alive?'

"House must be getting soft in his old age."

"Or he likes her."

Cameron shot them both a look, but all three turn silent as Stevens was finally done writing up the symptoms.

Stevens smiled, her eyes sparkling. "Thanks for coming, everyone, we've got a real interesting case today."

"I think you used too much bleach cleaning this morning, Dr. Stevens," Cameron observed dryly.

"Ha-ha, yes I know, doctors don't have pink hair, can we please focus now?"

"Well, it is a little distracting."

Glowering, Stevens whipped out a bandana and tied it around her head.

"Better?"

Cameron smiled. "Totally."

"Okay, then let's get down to business. A young male is brought in with a GSW to the leg a couple days ago. He was given the regular rigmarole of tests and treatment for the GSW, only now he is exhibiting symptoms of neurological disorder. And it's not hypoxia. The patient had a tourniquet and the ER staff was able to quickly restore blood supply to the brain to prevent oxygen starvation. Also no sign of cerebral hemorrhaging, they checked with a CT when he was brought in."

"How advanced are the symptoms?" Wilson asked.

Foreman crossed his arms over his chest. "He is suffering from tremors over his entire body, which are impacting his muscle coordination and his speech. And that's just all the time."

"He also has bouts of ataxia where he jerks around with strength he obviously isn't voluntarily exhibiting. And there is the emotional instability."

"Emotional instability?" from Wilson again. Cameron, who had before only been feigning listening, inched slightly forward with this symptom.

"While I couldn't get much from his younger brother, it appears that the patient underwent a mood change before the accident occurred," Stevens replied, Cameron's move not escaping her. "And there is the laughter."

"The patient has some form of dementia that results in spasmodic fits of laughter," Foreman explained. "I've never heard anything like it."

"It's very creepy."

"Is that your medical opinion, Dr. Stevens?" This from Cameron.

Stevens shrugged. "Yes, because it is."

Wilson was quick to jump in, although the idea of two very beautiful women…

"Okay, so we have dementia, ataxia, mood change, tremors…Naturally, I'd say a brain tumor."

"I'd agree, that seems to be our number one culprit. But so we can cover our bases, Dr. Cameron, any bugs that can do this?" Stevens pointedly asked.

"Probably, but why not just check out the tumor first and not waste our time?"

"There's the possibility of herpes simplex resulting in encephalitis," Foreman offered. "If that's the case, we should check right away before it progresses."

"Yeah, but you need a lumbar puncture for a full diagnosis, and if the patient is as spasmodic as you say the complications could be too severe," Cameron pointed out.

"But a CT scan could give us an initial idea, and it could test for a stroke or some related embolism that may have been caused by the GSW," Foreman replied.

"Good, but that all focuses on the brain still," Stevens interjected. "What about other non-brained related ailments?"

"Because if it's neurological, then it should be the, um, brain?" Cameron asked. If House wouldn't be there physically, she was going to channel his spirit.

"I mean, Dr. Cameron, what else could have caused damage to the brain besides the obvious tumor, stroke or bad blow?"

"A lot of things?"

"What about mushroom poisoning?"

The other three looked at each other and then back at pink-haired doctor.

"Did the patient fall down the rabbit hole? I didn't see that on the chart." Again, Cameron as House, and relishing it.

"Some mushroom species contain poisons that could have this impact we are seeing," Stevens responded, her eyes lighting up in considering of her own brilliantness. "Plus we know the children we out hunting during off season, so perhaps the family eats a lot from what they can find around them."

"You'd have to eat a lot of mushrooms recently…" Foreman relayed.

"Plus, you are basing that diagnosis on pure supposition! Have you asked the family if they live of the land? Are the Amish or something?"

Stevens was not to be so easily deflated, being so obviously enamored of her idea. "No, but the mother is from an indigenous peoples from New Guinea, which means they might be following some tradition."

"Again, purely suppositional. Why not just add demonic possession to the list?" Cameron's own eyes were lit now.

"If you'd like to make the call to the local diocese and tell them Satan's made a house call to an 11 year old boy, be my guest," Stevens replied. "Mushroom poisoning makes far more logical and medical sense."

Wilson got up, interjecting his quiet calm into the growing fray.

"I think for now we should stick with the most likely causes for now and keep in mind any alternatives should they be needed. Do an MRI for the tumor, check again for any hemorrhaging. Also order a CT scan and blood work for herpes simplex and embolisms. Then we go from there." Wilson looked at each in turn. "Okay?"

Cameron and Stevens nodded, took one last look at each other, then exited through different doors. Foreman sat back with a sigh.

"Well, that was a normal meeting."

Wilson sat back down. "Two mini-Houses instead of one. Great, it's infectious."

XXX

House had just picked up a chart from the nurses' station for his fun clinic time when a door opened behind him and the voice that issued from it sent him rigid, and not in the good way.

"Gregory, my office, now," was all Cuddy said before closing the door.

House glanced up at the nurse and handed the chart back. "Sorry, boss wants a quickie, gotta obey the master."

He found Dr. Lisa Cuddy sitting on her desk, arms crossed. He noticed that she chose to wear a mock turtleneck, with the suit jacket slung over her chair's back. All those comments about her low cut shirts must've finally gotten to her. He smiled, and just couldn't help himself.

"If the objective by wearing that shirt was to stop my comments on your upper chest region, I suggest you unfold your arms as they have a way of pronouncing that region," he said, pointing with his cane for good measure.

Half-snorting, half-sighing, Cuddy retrieved her jacket and slung it back on.

"How do you manage to get anything done by being such a complete chauvinist?"

"I'm not a complete chauvinist," he feigned slander. "It's just that, well, gosh darn it, you make it so easy!"

Cuddy, again rolling her eyes, picked up the chart for Immanuel. "This case you have now, the GSW who laughs a lot."

"Not my case, Stevens' case," he quickly corrected.

"It's in your department now, it's your case, you're responsible," she just as quickly replied. "The boy's parents are petitioning to have him discharged due to religious reasons. Is there any reason we should keep him here?"

"Don't know, ask Stevens."

"Greg, I've heard you don't like Stevens, Cameron told me--"

"Actually, I think I might actually be falling in love with her, but the fear of rejection is so painful that I'm subjugating the thought while simultaneously displaying this fear/attraction as hostility towards the source of the emotional quandary," House replied matter-of-factly. "Or so my astrologist told me today."

"She came highly recommended."

"I know, from monsignor Volger."

Cuddy sets down the chart, again folds her arms. "That's right, you know everything. So why don't you go find out what's happening with your team. If they can't give me a reason to keep the boy here within an hour, I'm having him discharged."

And again House's eyes were drawn to Cuddy 's chest. "Form fitting jacket, right? Very flattering lines."

She didn't unfold her arms. "Get going House. If your team does anything, you're responsible for it."

House started toddling off, but his eyes remained fixed.

"And black in the summer, what a bold fashion sense you have! Tell me, is goth chic in this year?"

He was out the door before he heard her veiled threats. The nurse looked up at him, offering the chart, but he ignored her and continued along. In his own world, mulling and stewing about the "Stevens" issue, he only saw enough to direct him back to his office. Everyone had already gone, but the symptoms were still on the board.

He pulled up a chair and regarded them, but his mind was focused. Stevens brought this to him, but Stevens was from Volger, was a hot shot, and had introduced herself as someone who likes to play and is interested in his job. So, she's a bitch with a lot of ambition, that was an easy diagnosis. So why did this case interest her? Obviously because she wants a simple case to prove she is better, something she can easily solve that will show to Vogler and Cuddy and anyone else that House isn't the only brilliant doctor available and thus isn't a needed -

Laughter? Is that a joke?

He leaned in closer, focused on the symptoms to finally read them, and then sighed.

"Damnit, she just might have something here."