A/N: Well, it's been a while. But behold! An update! Yaaaay!

Chapter Five "Blue Christmas"

I open my eyes and take a deep breath. I smell leather and the after scent of dry-cleaning. I blink but only faint outlines are visible. I try to take a step forward and fabrics slap my face as I do. "Kate," I mutter, "We're in a closet."

"I'm not a liar." She opens the door and I follow her out of the closet.

I glance around the bedroom we have entered. It is familiar and yet strange. It is recognizable and yet somehow altered. "This is... this is Lauren's and my room. It looks exactly the same as I left it. What the hell are you trying to pull?"

"You said, you wanted to go home and that summing up your words, you didn't want to be around me anymore. So, I let you come home."

She smiles at me, "But I stuck around, because your forehead wrinkles are just so adorable. Why, I couldn't give those up without a fight." She winks at me and I want to... kick her.

I glare at her then step around her and walk slowly to the door of the bedroom leading back into the living room. I expect to see Sydney and Lauren there as I had left them, making awkward conversation as they dangle little glass bells off the pine needles.

I see Lauren sitting on the couch, but Sydney is nowhere to be found. A fire is crackling in the fireplace. Lauren and I never use the fireplace.

"Where's Sydney?" I ask Kate. "And why is the Christmas tree on the other side of the room?"

"A-Ha! Not, see, 'look, here is my beautiful wife and our beautiful home'. No, the first question on your mind is, 'Where's Sydney?' "

After mentally shooting myself for my blunder, I quickly make a recovery attempt. "I... no! I just... why would I comment about something that's the same?"

"Smooth, Hun. I see why you are considered the CIA's best." Kate says as she goes for a handful of Hershey's Kisses Lauren put on the table.

"Are you crazy?! She'll see you!" I exclaim, choosing to ignore her commentary.

"Even if she could, like I care. I could take her, and twice on the Sabbath. That... insufferable...." Kate shudders and pops two Kisses in her mouth. "I told you to stop insulting my wife." I demand. "And, what do you mean 'if she could'? She can't see us?"

"Pointing out character flaws isn't insulting -- it's calling the kettle black." Kate says. "Yes, you had to be like your Soul Mate and not want to be born. So, you are not born, and that is not your wife," I know she has a song in her heart when she says, "Which technically means I can insult her all I want!" "You-" I stop short in my sentence when a tall, medium dark skinned man enters the room and leans down to give Lauren a peck on the cheek. He looks eerily like- "Craig?!"

"Goody. Now the fun begins." Kate remarks. "Sweetie, where did you say the present for your family was?" Craig calls over his shoulder has he begins to walk down the hall.

I freeze. "He just called her 'sweetie.'"

Before Kate can example, Lauren emerges. "Darling, I told you they are in the car! I don't want them in the house, because you know the kids. They will find them and open them if we put them out."

"And she just called him Darling." Kate says back to me.

I stumble into an empty armchair where my TV used to be. "The... the kids? Were they talking about kids?"

"Craig's sister's children. But...." Kate points to Lauren's belly and says no more.

Now I am starting to panic. "Craig and Lauren are living in my house. They are using pet names. And Lauren is pregnant. If I don't exist, Craig marries Lauren? Why the fuck would Craig marry Lauren?"

I stop, realizing I've slipped yet again. "I mean, not that someone wouldn't want to marry her, but, why Craig?"

Kate just smirks That Smirk.

"No, Hun, you had the question right the first time."

"But, if you must know." She goes into her professor tone of voice. "Both of them work for the CIA, and they meet in the coffee room one day, and they hit it off, and they took long walks on the beach, and had wild and kinky, slightly S&M sex, and they feel in love and got married, now both a live happy, happy life."

"I... I really... really... didn't need an explanation that in depth," I say, trying to wrap my mind around the concept. "Really. A simple 'they shared common interests' would have done perfectly well as an explanation."

"Aw, but don't you want to know how your darling, dearest, lovely, sweet wife, you claim to adore so much, managed to find happiness with another man?" She continues to eat the Kisses.

"Well... if I really never existed, it's not like she could be pained by the fact that she's not with me."

"Or it means your existence doesn't affect her life."

I almost slap her. Something stops me. "That's ridiculous."

"No, it's not. Look at this speculate, Vaughn. She is happy. Can you imagine Sydney being happy without you?"Sydney would have been happy without me," I insist honestly. "She was happy with Noah, and then with Danny, long before she knew I existed."

"Was she happy when Noah dumped her flat? Was she happy lying to Danny day in and day out?"

"Was she happy when she returned from the most horrible ordeal of her life to find that the only person she thought she could count on had betrayed her?"

"Aaah!! --- The only person she could count on -- now you're getting the hang of it."

"I said, thought she could count on."

"Oh, please. Will you give yourself just a little credit? Who got her out of the country? Who helped break her out of NSC custody? Who was consistently there for her whenever she needed someone -- despite being married?" "Who promised to keep her safe no matter what and ended up leaving her alone in her house with the enemy? Who treated her like crap just for their own selfish need to stop feeling guilty about being disloyal to their wife? Who told her she was the only one they would ever really love, and kissed her, then ran back to their wife that evening? Who raised her hopes up again and again and again only to be the one to send them crashing to hell once more?"

"You did what you could; as much as you could do with your foolish mortal sense of loyalty. And you can't blame yourself for what happened to her. It wasn't your fault, or any mortals. It was ours. We fucked up; we let the previous soul mates be too happy, so we had to balance it out by destroying yours. And I'm sorry. Okay. But, if I hear you doubt your commitment, devotion, or love for Sydney one more time, I will show you what Hell truly looks like."

Craig and Lauren reunite on the couch and lean in to kiss each other. I feel sick. "Can we get out of here? I've seen enough."

"So, you ready to go back to Sydney now?" She asks, as she fills her pockets with chocolate."Not quite. Lauren isn't the only important person in my life, you know. And quite frankly, seeing her happily married to one of my drinking buddies isn't a strong persuasion tool for me to go by. She's much happier without me, why destroy that?"

"Exactly! She is happier without you and you are happier without her! Can't you just accept that fact and move on with your lives?"

Vaughn doesn't have an answer and she grows impatient. "Sydney is your Soul Mate! Why does that scare you? You are meant to be with her! If you aren't, you can throw the entirety of existence off balance!"

"I'm not going to throw my wife out on the street because some crack head angel with an overwrought chocolate addiction tells me that being with another woman will save the universe!"

"First you ungrateful, selfish, prat, look at your 'wife'! Look at how happy she is with another man! And Second, You just don't get it, do you? You and Sydney are destined to be together! You have to be, because your existence gives other hope. People search every single day for their Soul Mate, which they will never find. However, as long as the notion exists people can believe, and people can have hope. What will happen if suddenly the notion people can find true, unadulterated love ceases to exist? What then, you selfish fucker."

"I don't know," I answer quietly. "I'm sorry. It's just, what you're telling me isn't exactly easy to fathom."

"I'm sorry for my outburst, but, it is something you have to fathom."

I don't know how to answer. "So, what happens to everyone else? They're all happily married too? Did Weiss maybe marry Sydney? Alice and Haladki, Irina and Will?"

"No...." Kate smiles. "Whose fate do you want to see next?

"Surprise me."

Kate snaps her fingers, and everything goes dark again.

The darkness settles quickly, fading softly until I can clearly see where I stand. I'm in a large, open field. I'm surrounded by grass, or something that resembles grass. It's tinged an odd color, like the color of a sidewalk darkened by rain. The sky has an ill yellow glow to it, and even the air all around us fills me with an eerie dread. It seems to ripple and swirl, as though I'm looking past a gasoline explosion.

I recognize the place instantly as my my gaze falls upon rows and rows of white headstones.

"Arlington? What are we doing in Arlington Kate?"

"Gorgeous isn't it, considering what it is. You know, if we just hike over that hill we could see Jack's grave -- " He cuts her off.

"Jack. Jack Bristow."

"No. Jack Kennedy, I love the view from his grave. However, if you want to see pay your respects to Jack Bristow than you'll have to walk down this road about half a mile; take a right; and count off 23 gravestones."

I shake my head, almost laughing at her audacity. "No, no fucking way. Jack Bristow? Dead?"

"We all die, Vaughn."

"Jack wasn't dead on the other side of the door," I point how, waving my hand towards the now vacant area we'd first stepped in through.

"You were alive. Remember, you wished you have never been born, so, here we are. You don't exist and Jack is dead."

"What the hell does one thing have to do with the other? Jack took care of himself a good long time before I was even born."

"True, but all it takes is one moment to change a life; and once Sydney became a part of Jack's life again, the rules changed. And you can figure out the rest."

I can? Maybe it's just the effect of whatever kind of angel voodoo Kate used to get me here, but my head feels like a cement block and I'm completely drawing a blank as to where the too ends meet. "Um, right."

"A father's sacrifice, Vaughn." She drops her smart-ass tone and begins to walk away from me. I follow her because, what the hell else am I suppose to do? "Jack made certain sacrifices for Sydney; and one of them cost him his life."

I'm about to open my mouth to reply, with what exactly, I'm not quite sure. But before my vocal chords can vibrate, I find myself stumbling, almost pitching forward. I look down at the gravestone in my path and almost scream at the sight of the inscription.

Never was there a friend as prepared

To lend a hand or a chocolate éclair.
ERIC D. WEISS
1968-2002

I lean down and almost smile. Weiss would love that epitaph. He always thought they should be more comical. 'Why add more depression to death? If you have to be six feet under, might as well give the world something written to laugh about.'
"How... how?"

"You know… the Old Amphitheater is down the road, it's gorgeous at sunset; I think we...."

"Kate, did you bring me here for a reason or not?"

"Other than it's one of my favorite places on Earth, yes. I did. But you know Jack and Eric are dead; that's nothing I can do to change that, so, it doesn't matter how; right."

Had she frustrated Sydney this much? "Kate. If you want me to learn anything about why my existence is so important, I need to know why it let people I care about stay alive. I need..." I know what I need, but I don't know if I have the guts to go through with it. "I need you to show me how they died."

"Jack died for his daughter. And Eric died by an ice pick. Remember Noah?"

"Of course I remember Noah."

She laughs at me, resting the urge to smirk. Damn her. "You weren't born, so you weren't CIA, so you weren't Sydney's handler. Eric was. He wasn't as thorough as you, despite his abilities. And one mission, he was tracking the Snowman because the CIA believed he had a contract out on Sydney's life. The plan backfired and Eric... well Eric didn't survive and they realized he was the handler for a mole inside SD-6. However, Eric didn't give up Sydney's name; and when all else failed, Jack took the fall for Sydney. And now you know how they died."

A sense of familiarity washes over me as I listen to the story of how my best friend and who, crazily enough, I wished to be my father-in-law, died. I shake it off, though, and face Kate again. "So, you're telling me... that my best friend, one of the most intelligent people I know, and Sydney's father, one of the strongest people I know... died a horrible death just because I wasn't around?"

"You were not Sydney's handler. So, yes."

"This is insane."

"No. That's the power of Soul Mates. You could just accept it all now and we'd both get home in time to catch the Family Christmas Special on ABC."

I shoot her a glare. She shrugs. "Anyway, I suppose you'd like to know what happened to Alice, too?"

"Alright."

"The night you met her, you were at a bar. You approached her and bought her a drink, and the two of you talked for an hour before she gave you her number."

"Yeah, so?"

"What I bet you didn't realize is that you weren't the only one who had their eyes on Alice that night. The other man just happened to be a now convicted rapist and murderer whose intentions you inadvertently ruined."

I start. "No. No, that's impossible."

"Is it? Because, if you want, I could show you the mug shots or the newspaper clippings or even the crime scene photos."

"That's… that's alright…" I answer, shuddering.

It seems far too incredible. I've always known that empathy is both one of my strengths and weaknesses, but I never could have imagined that so many people were affected by it. I hate to admit it to myself, but maybe Kate is right.

Maybe I belong in the place I am in life. Maybe my presence really does matter….

My mind seems to be set. I can't accept life this way. Not... not when there is no life. When everyone around me is dead. If I had the effect on all these people, my friends, my family, my co-workers... my enemies... I can't just abandon that. And I want to know what has happened to Sydney, but I'm almost afraid to ask. So I turn to Kate, and I hear myself saying, "Take me back home."

She smiles, "I'm glad you said that. I'm glad you choose to make this easy. Just close you eyes, and open them when I tell you. You'll open your eyes to find yourself alone and back in your home, to a Sydney, and hopefully you will give her a nice Christmas gift. Got it?"

"Got it." I begin to close my eyes. That's when I see him, just as my lids are cutting me off from the view of the surreal graveyard.

It's a man, leaning over a grave I've visited already tonight. My mother's.

He's an older man, maybe a little older than Jack. His hair is silver and I see only the side of his face, but I know right away.

I hear Kate mutter something that doesn't sound like a very heavenly word as my feet begin an almost involuntary journey towards him.

"Ex...excuse me?" I speak softly, and he looks up. There are the eyes. The eyes I see in the mirror every morning. "Dad," I whisper, and I'm not sure if he hears, but his surprised and dazed expression would suggest so.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"I...no. I'm sorry, I don't think you do. I must have mistaken you for someone else."

William nods.

"She was your wife?"

"She was."

"I'm sorry."

"Thank you. You seem truly pained yourself. You have lost someone too, son?"

I start at the three letter word. I know he doesn't mean it literally. He couldn't possibly mean it literally. But I feel my eyes asking for permission to cry, and I bite the tears back.

Remembering that he had asked a question, I smile ruefully and chuckle sadly.

"You really loved her?" William observes.

"More than anything."

William nods towards the grave. "I loved my wife deeply; I would have done anything for her. I would have gone to hell and back for her. All I can tell you is... the pain won't go away. There's no way to end it. But if you ever find a way to capture even the slightest bit of her again... you have to do it, no matter the circumstances. Remember this, son… love, true love… it's not something that buries itself with the body."

I nod, still in disbelief that I am here, talking to my father about Sydney, a concept I have longed for since I met her. Though it is not exactly the conversation I had imagined, I can't help but be filled with a sense of wonder and satisfaction… and, at a sudden realization, a sense of dread and horror.

Going back will leave my father dead again. How can I do that to him, to myself? How can I deny myself the chance to have a real relationship with my father? To talk to him in person instead of at a gravesite? To hear his voice in my ears instead of in my head, spoken through the now memorized words of a yellowing leather journal?

But… at the cost of my mother, and my friends?

And now I know, only one thing and one thing only can make my decision final. Nothing but this can settle my mind.

"Thank you," I say to my father.

I take a deep breath, calming my beating heart, and rejoin Kate. "I need to see what has happened to Sydney."

TBC