A Presidential Visit
"Welcome to Hogwarts, Mr. President.
"Ah, so the name's…Dubya? George Dubya?
"Hmm, we certainly don't have names like that here in Britain.
"The Prime Minister? Oh, Mr. Tony Blair. No, no, no, you have it wrong. He's the leader of Muggle Britain.
"Yes, Muggle is a word.
"And, no, that's not a product of your, er, Ivy League education, or so it says you have one here on your biography. What is the Ivy League?
"It teaches you about fraternity and draft-dodging? That's certainly something we've never heard of here in the Wizarding world. We teach magic.
"Is it against your beliefs? Oh, I'm very sorry.
"Satan? What? Who is this Satan?
"The devil? Of course we don't work for the devil.
"Sorry that we've started on such bad terms, but we really must get going. Follow me, please. This, here, is our foyer. Very big, as you can see. To light it, we have many, many candles floating in the air. All of them are lighted in one great big spell and sent up into the air…
"Yes, Mr. President, you didn't misunderstand me. Those candles are floating in midair. That's right: by themselves.
"No, this Satan of yours does not hold them up.
"Al Gore? Who's that?
"He invented this – what did you call it? – internet? May I ask what that is, Mr. President?
"What fascinating inventions you Muggles come up with, though, I must say, no Muggle could have invented floating candles. Only magic can do that.
"Yes, I said magic, Mr. President.
"I'm afraid that you can't take some home to share with your family. I'm sure it would make a lovely Christmas present, but magic is an intangible.
"Would you like me to define that last word for you?
"An intangible is something that you cannot see, feel, or touch.
"No, Mr. President, you are not seeing magic here. All that you can see are the candles. The candles themselves are not magical. I assure you that they are not.
"Nor does whatever Satan this is provide the fire for the candles.
"The fire represents the devil in the States?
"Oh, around the world? That's certainly interesting. What amusing tales Muggle devise. Well, we'll continue, shall we? This is the Great Hall. It is where the students take their meals.
"No, Mr. President, they are not served any beer.
"Yes, we do have something like beer, and we call it mulled mead. I'll take you to the kitchen for some.
"Mr. President, we'd ask that you not steal our Christmas wreaths. This way, please. These are the kitchens of Hogwarts, run by house elves. You there, fetch the president a tankard of mulled mead.
"That's right, we only allow visitors to drink one tankard. We certainly don't want Muggles wandering around Hogwarts drunk.
"No, Mr. President, I'm not 'misunderestimating' your drinking ability, which I am sure is great. It's merely for the protection of the general well-being of this school.
"Why, indeed, did you just call us socialist?
"We do not conspire against you with the Russians! What nonsense!
"Oh, dear, Mr. President, please calm down.
"No, Mr. President! Don't touch that pretzel! It's –
"Gods above! I am never inviting Muggles to Hogwarts again. Now, where's my wand? I need to magic this pretzel out of his throat."
