A/N Alright! Many apologies for the delay once again! Holidays and work have seen to the lack of postings! My thanks to my amigo Geo for writing this, and we hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer – Same Old! We Don't Own Pokemon, Nor do we own the song "A Boy In Love With You" by Eric "Brock" Stuart

Chapter eight –Sub-Concial Controversy & Closure

I'm not sure what encouraged me from my state of slumber the following morning. in honesty it could have been a number of contributing factors, the fact that Friday signified the start of yet another weekend, The fact that my hearing senses relinquished to the sounds, that cars, lorries and numerous other forms of transportation were engaging in within the urban streets not but a few feet from where I lay. Or was it the fact that, these throbbing stomach pains, although a lot less lackadaisical in their efforts on this morning, were still engulfing me? I hastily shook all of he above theories aside as my eyes fell upon the clock on the small nightstand. 7.45Am

Sighing in both exasperation and a touch of annoyance I slowly reverted my body to face the other side of the bed, and upon seeing what my eyes focussed on I could honestly say, my heart melted on the spot. For I was shocked to discover, that for once instead of an empty space staring back at me, I found Ash contentedly engrossed in a deep sleep. I could not help but muster a smile as I delicately traced his facial features with my hand. Suddenly my expression fell, as I recalled both my mother's proposal, and my decision of yesterday

"That cold hearted, calculating...how dare she!" I muttered to no one in particular as my words filled the silent room. I reverted my eyes back to Ash and merely observed his still form, how could I have ever considered... A notion of guilt at that moment washed over me, as I realised, as much as I despised the woman. She actually had me thinking about doing the unthinkable. I mentally scolded myself as that realisation hit me for I know I was seemingly going over old ground here. But was my mother correct in her assumption? Was there some small part of me. All be it sub-consciously that yearned for some means of escape from a life I could never have envisioned?

No! I mentally screamed as I rubbed my hands down my face while casting my eyes upon Ash for a third time. I knew my life was not perfect, heck find me someone's who's is, but... the thing that was eating away at me the most through out it all, was the fact that I had considered it, some mother, How goddam shallow does that make me appear? How could I even contemplate giving this up? Some of you maybe sitting there saying, not to be to hard on myself, That others would have probably done the same, dependent on their circumstances. All right fine I'll grant you that, but seriously, until you are put in such a position, I guess you would not truly understand the inner turmoil I was embroidered in at this time.

I could feel the tears well up before they even began to fall, for another reason had just hit me as to why I was beating myself up over this, I slumped my head against Ash's chest and gazed up at him through blurred vision, as the true validation of the situation hit home. Here I was totally berating myself, about a decision I thought about making, based upon how it would have affected me. I never stopped to consider how it would affect him... This boy...the father of my daughter. The thing that meant the world to me, Andréa aside. What a selfish, self-absorbed bitch I could be at times

Such thoughts, all this negativity was getting to me so badly, it was almost as if my brain cells, or faculties themselves, were being encased in a glacier of ice, in laymen's terms one hell of a headache. Had long since occurred, overwriting everything replacing the thoughts of yesterday and their "what if consequences", with a painful throbbing sensation that I longed to be rid of. Guess that saying is true, you sit and get over analytical about something then you're dammed for life.

I Don't know maybe it's time I learned to unburden myself a bit more, and share the load, when I had asked Brock yesterday not to reveal to Ash the elements of my mothers offer, I thought I was doing it because I did not want to worry him But now I look back on it, perhaps the reason I did not want him finding out was because I was scared of what he might think of me. For not one to self indulge in my own ego, Ash had me placed atop of this high pedestal if you like, as if in his eyes I could do no wrong. This was crazy, I mean I loved him and I knew he loved me it's just, I wish at times he did not paint such a rosy picture about life, he had to learn to be realistic, the world could be a cruel and twisted place if given half a chance, and I felt at times his love for me clouded his judgment to this fact.

"You're the most perfect woman I could ask for" his words from last night before we consummated our love repeated themselves through my mind. Oh Ash! if you only knew what dark decrypted thoughts entered the breeches of my mind, would you still look at me the way you do? Would you still aspire to hold me the way you do? So many more questions that I was scared to know the answer to surged through me as I ran my hand down his exposed left arm.

The word "Perfect" once again echoed within the boundaries of my brain. How in the hell could anyone possibly compete with such an image? Let alone me. Perfect? What utter fabrication, nothing or no one could ever be such a thing, everyone has their faults even me... I swear sometimes I wonder if I am holding him back, he could have so much more than this hell, he deserves more from life. he has the ability to have done more with his life, instead what has he got to show for his efforts? a beautiful daughter granted, but along with Andrea has come the burden of responsibility at a young age, and all thanks to my inability to control my own urges, At a time when he had recoiled.

This is unreal I don't know why I can't abstain these thoughts, It was almost as if something is missing from my life, But what? The only thing I can say I missed out on was being well a mature adult, traveled the world, been there done that all be it the term world is not exactly accurate but traveled our share both Ash Brock and myself have, had numerous adventures, hell got the t-shirt, fallen in love, done and dusted, and doing so more each and every day I might add. So with that being said, what the hell was my problem? There is no other emotionally charged phrase in the English language than that of the words "I Love You" and Ash said them to me each and every day. I sighed inwardly as I sat up in bed.

Perhaps I am being to rash here in terms of dismissing other possibilities, maybe in reality nothing is missing in my life, maybe something else is scarring me, a fear of the fact I have now committed my life to this, a fear of not knowing what obstacles lay around the corner, a fear, that when it is all said and done...I don't measure up to the aspirations, and heights that Ash persists to see in me. I back peddled a moment, within my mind, was that what this was all about? Myself feeling he deserved better than me? My pondering state was rather abruptly cut short as my vision came into contact with a medium sized book adjacent to me atop of Ash's nightstand on his side of the bed.

I upon impulse I feel razed a questioning eyebrow, I never envisioned Ash to be much of a" Bedtime Reader". That theory soon evaporated however, when I got a closer look, for instead of a book of related fiction or fables, I was stunned to discover that of a Journal! What the? I never knew Ash kept a log of things like that, I smirked to myself with a grin, looks like my lover had some secrets of his own. I leaned forward genteelly as not to wake him up and brought the object in question over as I held it within my grasp. I proceeded to trace the cover of the book in my hands with my right hand as I cautiously stole a glance down at Ash worriedly. Dare I? Everyone deserved their privacy Ash included. Finding my curiosity overpowering my senses I flipped the book open to the first entry and observed the date,

Ash's Journal

April 15th.

I became a father today, Words can't express this overwhelming feeling that is engulfing me at this time. My Daughter, Andréa Delia Ketchum by name Is nothing short of a miracle, gorgeous in every way and refines the same beauty and radiance than that of her mother. Misty. I can't help but let loose a smile as I write her name, I have never seen her so genuinely happy nor more content within her life. And her persona must be deemed that of infectious, because her demeanour is nothing short of a duplication to that of my own.

I stopped reading and cast my eyes almost astoundingly down at Ash. Once the somewhat playful notion of how the hell he had obtained so many big words and phrases within is vocabulary had sub-sided, I instantly realized he had done something more, I couldn't get my head around it, He had been keeping this since Andréa's birth? I could not help but choke back the lump in my throat that had just without warning formed, the sentimental value of his actions were priceless. But that not withstanding. he had also brought something to the forefront of my recollections, For within that Brief paragraph of scribbled down words and thoughts, he had reminded me just how joyfully happy I was not but four and a half months prior to this moment. It could be like that again couldn't it?

I reverted my eyes from the book in my hand and traced a hand across his cheek as I could not help but let loose a smile of satisfaction, even when he sleeps he had the capabilities of making things better. I skipped through the pages of the Journal looking for some indications of his last written entry, Finding a small pen holding two pages together with it's clip on facility, I removed it and realised I had found what I was looking for.

I observed the date once more before even glancing at the writing and almost choked on my own saliva when I noted that his last entry was...today!... or more accurately, this morning's early hours, not long after we'd...I blushed at the memory as I took one last look at Ash to make sure he was still asleep. Seeing that he was I inhaled sharply and with a sense of intrigue within my mind, and a skipping sensation within my heart, I slowly began to read.

August 29th

It's a little after 3am as I sit here and write this, I can just make out the first glimmer of dawn breaking through the skyline outside our bedroom window, the sky a mix of black/blue orange and purples. It's certainly has been a testing last few days. The consequences of which I know have left Misty a lot more quiet and reclusive as a result. I glance at her and watch her asleep by my side. I guess considering the circumstances of it all I can't really blame her. I mean there is a difference between losing a parent and not knowing One I guess that would be a bitter pill to swallow at the best of times.

Her grief aside, I still can't help but feel though, as if something else is bothering her, for I am not stupid, I know her to well, I'll tell you though, Whatever her problem is, I can't help but feel it is affecting her both emotionally and as a person on a whole, for the life of me I have never seen her react to Andrea with nothing other than gentle care and love felt compassion. That was until today the Echoing of her razed tone and almost venomous words is something that will take a while to erase from my memory. For that is just not like her, that is not the girl I fell in love with and still hold dear to this day.

But that alone other evidence has been seeming from her on a day to day basis. For I aren't totally stupid, alright granted I am set in my ways as being someone who at times does not have a clue about certain things that I should, and I also tend to persist at something until I have my way, but I am not blind to the obvious, I know Misty's been keeping things from me, nothing major, little things, In truth it does not bother me, everyone is entitle to their privacy, but when it starts affecting the way she interacts in her day to day life, not to mention with those she cares for and loves, that's when I start having some reservations.

Someone told me once that love can be compared to that of a highly thought out highly educated guessing game, I never understood that fully until now. For despite one partners inability whether be through fear or uncertainty to share the load as it were, it is left up to the second party involved in the relationship to try and digest what problems he or she might be enduring. That's all well and good if your a well established shrink earning thousands each and every year, but a shrink I don't claim to be,
I don't know maybe I am just over thinking the whole dam situation. I mean I had to expect some sort of backlash from Misty, after enduring all she had this last year and a half. Christ knows I know I ain't the easiest person to live with at times ether. Not that I have a reputation for being difficult, it's just sometimes I forget how early we were made to grow up, and still aspire to pull childish practical jokes whenever Andréa's asleep, and by that time Misty is to exhausted to deal with me as it were.

Then again I don't help matters by the way I tend to shall we say express my views on life. For in Misty's eyes to me, Life was a bed of roses, with a rainbow just over every horizon. But in reality, I know nothing could be further from the truth. I know how much of a bastard the world can be if given half a chance, heck you think I don't wake up nights, and lie awake thinking about just what perception of a twisted bitter place we live in my daughter is going to obtain. It scares me to death, the thought of losing ether one of them scares me to death.

And so any self respecting stranger might approach me and ask why? Why do you continually adopt this persona in front of the girl you love, making out things will always work out for the better when there Is a high chance that things might not work out, that it could all end tomorrow, lives loves, friendships all of it could be taken away within an instant if given the right circumstances. There is only one way to answer that question and it is mealy this. that's all I have. Now some of your are probably sitting there going huh, but let me explain.

My mother had told me once, not to take things totally for granted, it was a sturn part of my upbringing, she alerted to me about just over a year ago, at a time when Misty and I were having some problems just before we knew she was pregnant. Well she told me that, you can say it till your blue in the face, but sometimes the words I love you just isn't enough. so what do I do? I say them everyday, but also do so much more by wearing this mask, painting this picture that things will get better to compensate for other things I can't provide for her, in short, I love her to such an extent, I would lie to keep her no matter how much of a selfish bastard that makes me sound. I keep thinking the life I lead today is some sort of wonderful dream, all be that it might be 5 to 10 years earlier than I had foreseen, but I would not change a thing I love my life, I love Misty, and above all else I love the bundle of joy I hold in my arms every morning, something I can always say is apart of us both.

I don't know why such fears keep overwhelming me, I know she loves me, hell our physical relationship is just...elating, as I am sure Brock can testify to over the last few weeks. I just at times feel so privileged that she gave me that second chance, but that was then and I tend to try and concentrate on the here and now, for to me every second is so cherished

I maybe dense at times, I maybe unable to express how I feel on a face to face basis, by god I even had trouble writing down what I feel deep inside But I guess all in all my overall situation in terms of my personality, my life and the genuine love I hold for the girl laying encased in soft sheets beside me, can be summed up in this short but insightful song I am about to bestow upon these pages.

Lyrics, it was a knack Brock had a great talent for, and something he had given me a talent for by passing on his knowledge, and I must say I had gotten better as the years passed, but the origins of my new acquired hobby aside. The song I alerted you all to earlier was merely this.

A Boy In Love With You

I like to get my own way with that certain look.
For me it's always okay if it's never by the book.
Maybe I'm just a rebel without a clue.
But baby, I'm still a boy in love with you.

I try to be so graceful and glide across the floor.
To the simple tune of faithful, I still don't know the score.
Maybe I'm just a dancer who's lost his shoes.

But baby, I'm still a boy in love with you.

Now I may stumble, I may come undone. I may get crushed by the weight from above. But if you lose faith in what I've become You can trust in the strength of my love.

I try to write a letter straight from the heart.
String my words together but I don't know where to start.
Maybe I'm Just a poet without a rhyme.
But baby, this boy'll love you 'till the end of time.
Baby, this boy'll love you 'till the end of time.

Dedicated to Misty, assuring you that brighter days are right around the corner, stay strong honey, the sun will shine again soon, you'll see

Forever yours Ash:

I ceased reading, and for the next several seconds I just lay there clenching the book to my chest absolutely flabbergasted and blown away. His thoughts, his inner most feelings, and most deepest darkest fears mirrored that of my own, and his latest collaboration, within the song stakes, is something I will never forget ever again let me tell you. It was uncanny just how in tune he truly was to all the secrets the provincial opening of Pandora's box held to me.

My emotions had overpowered me yet again as wet droplets let loose from the forefront of my tear ducks as I shakily leaned over and placed the book back on his nightstand. I merely studied him a moment as he slept, words could not describe the new lese of adoration and love I held for him within this moment. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled my body against his as I revelled in the closeness of us both, I knew I could never leave this, even if I tried. I genteelly kissed his neck, to which as a reaction, he stirred slightly turning away from me, muttering a plea to give him another 20 minutes sleep. I smiled as I felt a giant weight lift from my shoulders, as I ran my hands through his hair, as I moved my lips to inches above his left ear, and while taking a few more seconds to gather my words I softly spoke

"Love! Love is a funny thing isn't it Ash Ketchum?" I paused to gage a reaction seeing he was still dead to the world, for lack of a better term, I went on.

"Sometimes...it's mysterious, fiery, passionate. and other times, it's something else, something comfortable, and familiar." I stopped as I placed a quick kiss atop his head.

"But with you" I started as I lay back down engulfing his body in my arms.

"It's all of the above and so much more..." I finished as I quickly reverted my eyes to the clock, 8.15AM the rest of the world could take a back seat for one more hour. I just wanted to bask in my new found reassurances. Had I made the right decision yesterday? Absolutely! To hell with the cruelties of the world and others within it. For I now knew as long as Ash and I had each other, there was nothing we could not overcome, and Andréa only added to our stability in life, love, and the fates that had conspired to get us where we were today. For closure to my problems had been obtained and although I knew more days of frustration over numerous topics lay ahead I had now come to realise that it was something I could handle with a clear conscious, and with all the love in my heart

To Be Continued

A/N Well Guys there you have it, the next instalment will not be as long away with some luck, please by all means keep the feedback flowing we love all your views on how things are taking shape!